Fear strikes when my fiance talks to other women

[lexi29]

I am very insecure about my fiance talking to other females or being friends with other women. Since we got engaged he has avoided any contact (other than saying hello) to certain women that bother me. (former neighbor) Ever since we started dating he has never had female friends and says he sees no need for them. He's always said he's never had a female friend he didn't sleep with. He only talks to his son's mother and his son's "aunt". The last time he talked to her when I was around he was practically flirting with her (she is 23 and a masseuse as one of her jobs and right in front of me he said to her "I wish you'd come down here and give me a long massage". She just laughed but he knows she is single now and it just irritated me a little. A few minutes after he said that to her he told her he is now engaged and when we are getting married. He asked if his son had told her yet. (No). If he hadn't told her about us getting married I would have been upset by his comment to her.

 

He tried to be just friends with an ex of his from a long time ago but ended up leaving me for her last year. We are working through this and things have been better than ever except for my fear of him leaving again. We are planning to get married soon (HIS idea) and I'm excited but terrified at the same time of him meeting someone else. I have guy friends but I dont talk to them much (my fiance doesnt' like them and won't hang out with them). He doesnt' complain about his lack of female friends but every once in awhile he will make a comment that he feels he's "not allowed" to talk to other women. The woman who lives above his apartment is in her 40's and has tried to befriend him. She's home bound and bored, loney and has offered to baby sit his son. She is not attractive at all and he doesn't have any interest in talking to her even though she is nice. However where he used to live he had a neigbor who was in her 30's who was attractive and single and he would talk to her a lot. He doesn't talk to her since he moved much (just if he sees her around town) but he has never introduced me to her (or to his son's aunt even though i've seen her once but we were never introduced).

 

 

I never wanted to control anyone and I feel that my insecurities are causing me to try to control my fiance (I've asked him not to talk to the former neighbor because of some incidents (he lied to me about her once when we got back together and his son thought he liked her and announced this in front of her). He has agreed but I don't want to control himl. How do I let go of my insecurities and this fear that engulfs me when he talks to another woman?

[sally4sara]

It is hard to say how much your reaction is based on low self esteem and how much is based on your current relationship.

 

1. Your guy dropped you on a whim to date someone else and them came crawling back. This could be something that caused this internal alarm when he talks to other women.

2. He lied about his interactions with his neighbor. Lying never leads to feelings of security within a relationship.

 

As far as getting over being insecure about other women when there ISN'T any reason to be? You need to recognize your own strengths and good qualities and understand that they don't become less admirable simply by the presence of other women. There will always be someone prettier but it doesn't mean they are better than you when you consider all attributes and not just the physical ones. Also, I know we heard all kinds of crap about guy's sex drives and urges, but it doesn't mean they'll jump on anything with mammary glands just because of close proximity. If you feel your guy is one that fits the stereotype and has no self control then your insecurities are not so much about you as they are about him.

[zicke]

OK, why do you want to marry him again? I'm just seeing a woman who doesn't want to get married every time I see a post from you.

 

Just sayin.

[Tomcat33]

If you want to go ahead and marry this guy you willl need therapy or you need to learn to control your thoughts so that they do not affect your feelings and hence make you act insecurely. But given your history with him I think it will prove next to impossible to do on your own, rightly so he has given you a lot of reason not to trust him.

 

Ok you say you don't want to be insecure with him, you say you don't want to control him, and this next thing is SO HUGE I don't know how you can even put these two phrases in the same sentence and not see the big white elephant in the room: "I am excited about marrying him (his idea) but terrified that he will meet someone else"

If you are going to marry a person there should be NO doubt that they will meet someone else, you love each other and TRUST that you will be together from here on in. you don't want anyone else, he doesn't want anyone else that is why you are marrying.

 

 

There is NO WAY you are in any shape or form ready for marriage with this man clearly you don't trust him. Marriage is not an act of magic. Your fear of him meeting someone else is not going to go away because you marry him, on the contrary, it will get harder once you marry because in time it gets hard to keep the relationship fresh and exciting and your insecurities will multiply and you will drive both yourself and him insane.

 

You can't ask, insinuate, imply or even hint that your man not to talk to women, that sends him a loud and clear message you have 0 faith in him at all, not to mention it is crazy and completely unhealthy to expect that of another human being. You know what that will do to him eventually? It will push him to go ahead and meet other women anyway, to lie to you in order to avoid conflict. If you keep sending him the message that you have no faith in him he will have 0 incentive to be anything more than someone who cannot be trust because that is what you "expect" of him anyway.

 

You are creating a self-fufilled prophesy and this is not a healthy way to embark on a marriage.

 

Why would you marry someone you can't trust?

[lexi29]

Honestly, if it were totally up to me, I wouldnt' get married right now. I am the type of person who is afraid of getting married but I want to do it. I've had this fear throughout my life and probably stems from EVERy single woman in my family (grandmother, mother, aunts etc) telling me dont EVER get married you'll regret it. That coupled with my insecurities about my fiance make me want to postpone the wedding. However I am terrified that in doing so I will lose my fiance and his son and I don't want that to happen. I love them both so much and they are such a huge important part of my life that I can't lose them.

 

My fiance wants to get married in Sept. He has made up his mind that this is what he wants (that I am who he wants) and wants to have a legitmate life with me. Part of it is for his son's sake and I totally understand that he wants to create a stable home with two parents for his son. (he and his son's mother were never together once his son was born) Also I do believe my fiance loves me and needs me in his life. We have talked about how he feels he took me for granted and breaking up with me and dating someone else really "woke him up" and he realized how lucky he was and how much he loved me and didn't want to lose me.

 

In my other relationships I was the one pushing for the next step and this time it was my fiance who took this huge step and wants to get married. He is the one in his family that his parents would tell all his other girlfriends "if you ever want to get married, then you better find someone else cause our son will never get married". And now they are saying they knew all along that he was going to marry me because of how close we are and he was never that way with anyone else.

 

I also carry baggage (that was reopened by my fiance's previous actions when he left me) from a past relationship in which I was living with my boyfriend and thought everything was fine (he was talking about getting engaged soon) and this guy started talking to one of his exes and hid it from me. WHen I found out he told me he just wanted to be friends and expressed that I was crazy for thinking otherwise. He actually "forced" me to befriend her as well. My gut was screaming that something was wrong but he kept assuring me that they were just friends and he included me in some of their outings with her and her husband. Well after me trying to become friends with this girl (at my boyfriend's insistence) and my efforts being received coldly by her, i thought i was going crazy. My boyfriend turned it around on me as if I were the bad person (because I didn't care for his girl) and I later found out that he was trying to convince her to leave her husband and be with him again. So he did the cruelest thing imaginable- he was trying to make me befriend my intended replacement!!!

 

Obviously I left him but that feeds my insecurities too.

 

 

Its not like every single day I sit around and worry about my fiance talking to other women. Its just if something triggers my fears (like his son getting his former neighbor's phone number- the one my fiance lied to me about) or little things like that that put my awareness on hyperdrive as if I need to analyze every little thing to see if something is wrong or if he is going to leave me again. I don't think that he will- he does seem happy- he's different from before he left me. And if he hadnt' left me I wouldn't have these insecurities with him but we would also still be taking eachother for granted so there is one good thing that came out of the situation. Getting married is a HUGE step for my fiance and I'm really suprised he is so eager to do so. That alone should eleviate my fears about his level of committment to me but I just have these insecurities that I'm trying to work on.

[porter218]

Don't get married yet if you distrust him so much, marriage is very hard to get out of. It is more serious a leap then you are anticipating and if you don't trust him now after the vows are said it will be 10 times harder. Postpone it and tell him that because he up and left like that before you just need more time to feel more confident in the relationship. and a comment like that to his sons mother would have earned one hell of a slap from me...you need to talk to him about that. to marry a man that has slept with all girls he has befriended is scary... I am only guessing but he sounds like someone who is over obssesed with sex (maybe I am wrong). Take a coupe more years to see if he still behaves before jumping that deep.