What have I done???

[BroomHilda]

I am not sure where to post this situation, so I thought General was best. I have to give a brief history.

I was married to a brutal alcoholic for 20 years. My children were 13 (girl) and 9 (boy) when I finally left him. THe children were begging me to leave him. I was the main breadwinner but we were constantly broke, he drank every cent I made, beat me, we lived in an absolute dump out in the bush, it was just awful. The children were very ashamed of him and the place we lived in. He could be brutally mean.

 

The first year I left and rented a house in town the children loved it. I was 39 years old. I met a man. A nice clean-cut man that had a good job and claimed he liked kids. We moved in together. We have been together 3 years. He works hard, and is constantly pouring his money into the house, fixing it up and buying new furniture, I live a very comfortable life, being able to afford a new car, nice sports equipment for my kids, no overdrawn bank accounts. I do not have to work hard, like I did out in the rural area, and come home to constant upheaval, we are living in a beautiful house, etc. BUT..

 

He does not like kids. He criticizes them constantly. There is absolutely no bonding between my son and himself. HE seems to have two sets of rules, one for him and one for everyone else. He nags at everyone on his ball team, bowling team, place of work, etc. He is a perfectionist that never quits. HE can be quite a baby himself. We do not have common interests. I do not want to bowl, or watch/play in his mixed slowpitch ball games, and he does not want to watch my kids play hockey, soccer, go skiing or golfing. We do both love to garden and do home improvement project together. That is one fun thing we share.

 

When we moved in together, we bought a house right next to a couple that were good friends with my ex and I. They are heavy drinkers. They have children - two boys the same age as my children. Their kids are at my house steady, often bringing several other friends over as well. I mean steady, like all day and usually have at least one meal here a day. Other couples in the neighbourhood have commented on it, so it is not just me noticing this. Probably because their parents are so drunk and chain smoke in their home constantly. My boyfriend is not crazy about this, but he goes along with it as we have a rumpus room downstairs with a pool table, air hockey and an above ground pool for the kids to play in. The couple next door live in a very run down home, that is filthy, they drink and smoke most of their money, unfortunately their kids do not have what mine have now. Their oldest son is about to take his driver's license test on my car as their car would be taken off the road if the driving instructor saw it. Despite their lifestyle their kids are very nice kids, just a little overbearing. Although words have never been exchanged, it is pretty obvious that the couple and their kids do not like my new boyfriend and he doesn't like them. They did not like my first husband either, although they had drinking in common, my first husband was just too nasty when he drank. My kids think this couple is cool (of course, no discipline) and have just started visiting their father in the last year.

 

Last night as my boyfriend was at work, my son (now 12) and one of the boys (13) were at our house. The boy and my son said to me "Why don't you find someone else, find someone cool to be with?". That really hurt, then my son said "Yeah, like dad". I looked at my son and I said "Do you remember what he used to do to me?" He said "No, I don't but he has changed and he isn't drunk when we see him anymore". THe neighbour boy said "yeah, he's learnt his lesson and he's way more cool than your boyfriend, he lets us do whatever we want when we visit him" (the neighbour boy goes to visit as well!!!

 

This hurt me sooo bad. I wanted to scream. Yes the boyfriend is a nag, yes he is critical, but to go back to living in hell???? Living with brutality in aboslute filth and financial disaster???? I know my exhusband is down and out, and I know he is still drinking, people I see on the street tell me about it. I think he just hides it around the kids, that is the only way they would visit him. We live in a small town and people are soo happy for me, to see my lifestyle change. They tell me he is drinking and wonder how he is still walking upright and alive for that matter. IF the boyfriend is so difficult to live with, why are the neighbour kids at our house constantly?? The neighbour kids love their parents despite their drinking, but if their life is soo cool, why do they need to use my car for their son to take his road test??? I am really hurt and frustrated. My daughter went through this last year, but she is now 16 with a boyfriend (even the boyfriend comments on how the two neighbour boys think this is their home). My daughter seems to have grown out of this a bit and is less critical of the boyfriend, but the dislike is still there. She is getting annoyed with the imposing kids, and starting to realize that the neighbours, although they seem good natured (usually drunk), blow a lot of money on booze and cigarettes and live a pretty sad life. IT was painful waiting for her to realize this, but I keep thinking as both my kids grow up they will realize that a clean life, good manners, working hard, will mean more to them, than the lifestyle the neighbours live. I am sure they will see this as they grow up and one day have kids. As I mentioned, my daughter is seeing this, but it is so painful waiting for them to realize it.

 

I wanted to cry myself to sleep last night. I am not worried about the boyfriend. TO tell you the truth he has such a big ego, that he would not want to break up our relationship. I am his third live-in relationship. He was married, and has a daugther in her 20's. She is alcoholic, they don't speak with one another. He was then involved with an older woman with 4 kids that were in constant trouble with the law, after ten years, they split up. My kids are actually very good kids and have never been in trouble with the school or the law. I am just upset and need advice on handling this situation. Yes the boyfriend is critical, but he is a good hardworking man, the couple and their imposing kids are driving me up a wall, and it hurts that my son misses his dad and thinks highly of him after the life we lived.

[Tony T]

So why did you decide to be so upset about what your son said? He obviously speaks, as you said, from ignorance and doesn't really know what his father is still like. Obviously this is a button for you but just STOP IT!!! Explain, again, to your son the absolute hell his father put you through and that he just puts on a show for his kids now but hasn't actually changed. Then tell you son that going back to the butthole is totally out of the question and would be a very negative thing for everybody in the family.

 

You can't help what your children think. You had them and as they get older they will have thoughts and opinions of their own based on their current maturity level. Get used to it and don't let it upset you. In time, your son will totally understand the entire dynamics of what has happened.

 

I am sorry you jumped into another relationship so quickly after leaving your ex but it does seem to be better in most respects. Make the best of it if it's tolerable and stop making yourself miserable over what kids say. That's a good way to end up in the funny farm (sanitarium).

 

Oh, yeah, it was great that you moved next door to some other drunken friends of your ex. That was really cool!!! It's wonderful that your kids got rid of the exposure to one drunk and can now peak over the fense and watch two of them...and let their kids tell them about their plastered mommy and daddy. I would have thought enough is enough.

[yes]

i'm in no position to give advice, but just one observation:

 

your children can see their dad, right? they can go for visits, etc?

So it's not like they lose their father because you're with someone else now. Then, it seems to me that you can stay with your bf - and your kids can carry on a relationship with their father.

 

I mean, in a few years, the kids will move out altogether, and you'll be the one dealing with the man you're with for the rest of your life.

 

Just some thoughts,

-yes

[midori]

Hi there,

 

A few things came to mind as I read your post:

 

1. You seem to have the notion that you must have a man in your life, that you must be living with someone. Why is that?

 

2. You seem to think that your thirteen year old son ought to appreciate the adult implications of the choices you have made. He's a kid. He's not going to be agreeable or grateful all the time. He might well advocate options that would have disastrous consequences. That's why he's not the one making decisions. He doesn't have to like your choices.

 

3. The neighbor kids seem to have taken over your house. Why is that?

 

I don't doubt that your current partner is domineering and hyper-critical, but on the other hand you give the impression (to me at least) of allowing anyone to do as they please. If you didn't want the neighbor kids over 24/7 they would not be there. Your son might say, "but mom, we've got the room, and their house sucks, and ..." but if you had some resolve your son's protests would not win the day. Generosity and compassion are great but there have to be limits.

 

The neighbor kid is going to use your car to take his driver's exam, because the car he has access to is unsuitable. So... what will he be driving when he gets his license? One assumes that his parents' car will remain unsuitable -- so he'll be driving yours? Do you want to take on that responsibility? I don't know how insurance premiums work in Canada, but I would think that's an expensive and risky proposition. Not to mention inconvenient. Are you ready to hand him the keys whenever he likes -- or, perhaps more likely -- to negotiate with him when you can get the keys to your own vehicle so that you can use it?

 

You sound overwhelmed. Perhaps you need to find a counselor to talk to. But I think that anyone seeking the approval of their children (especially young teenagers!) is bound to be frustrated and treated like a doormat. They're your kids, not your peers. And two of them aren't even your kids. Since when do you owe them explanations?

[Ryan]

I had a few other thoughts....

 

 

Why is it ok to be with a man that does not make your children a high priority? That means you aren't making them a high priority. There IS no other priority.

 

Why make excuses for people based on things they are SUPPOSED to do? Follow me here:

 

.... claimed he liked kids.....He does not like kids. He criticizes them constantly. There is absolutely no bonding between my son and himself.......he has such a big ego.....but he is a good hardworking man

 

He's hardworking? That's it?

Someone who is a decent guy IS ALREADY HARDWORKING. It's not a plus...it's an expectation. Are you contrasting the current fellow with the last one? That's no way to make a healthy judgment.

 

Let's be real here. If you chose a physically abusive alcoholic to be your husband and father to your kids, there's some serious flaws in your radar that you need to address. You need to be honest with yourself and find out what YOUR issues are. You can't possibly choose good men until you've sorted out why you continue to choose bad ones.

[BroomHilda]

Thank you all so much for your quick replies. You are all giving me a good wake up call.

 

Just a point Tony about moving into the house near the alkie friends. It was a very big house with a lot of room that needed a lot of work but the price was very, very low. Considering we were both recovering financially from relationships it just seemed like a good buy at the time. It was, and we are happy here, it is just those neighbours. I never would have moved in beside them by choice. The rest of the neighbourhood is very nice, and we enjoy the rest of the neighbourhood very much. I just used to know the drinking neighbours very well years ago. I think I am about to sever that friendship for good.

 

I definitely do not intend to loan my car to the neighbour's son on a regular basis. You are right though, they are liable to assume that. I felt badly for him, as he came over and asked to use the car and had tears in his eyes. They had originally borrowed one of their relatives car to do the test and after they had done the paperwork and got in the car to drive, it would not start - typical.

 

I guess you are right midori, I guess I think I need a man. I am just tired of struggling. I did everything in the past, the provider, the repairer, the parent, we just struggled and lived in poverty. IT was awful. I guess I wanted someone to help me, sometimes I wonder how much of a help he is kidwise, but otherwise, he can be wonderful, just going out for dinner, working on projects together, going to events (weddings, retirements) together. He can be a great guy that way.

 

I guess I need to get some resolve towards my kids and the neighbour kids as well. Last night the boy stayed for supper, I made pizza and the first thing he did was grab a piece and sit on my couch. Not even eat at the table!!! I handed him a paper towel and said please don't wipe your hands on the couch, I entered the living room 5 min later and he was done eating, the paper towel was crumpled up and thrown on the carpet. I thought, my god kid you are a pig. DO you think I could say it to him??? I hate myself for that. Last weekend we went to a wedding and I came home to 6 empty cans of Chef BoyArdee, my son had fed the neighbour boys and their friends supper!!! Not like the alkie parents could have offered to feed my son, instead we are feeding their kids and their friends.

 

What should I have said to my son and the boy last night? Offer me some suggestions, that would maybe help me see how to react to this situation. I need a lot of advice and help on building a resolve. I can see I am being a doormat and I really need to stand up to the old friends and not try to seek my kids approval. IT was good wake up call to read what you guys have written. I realize I don't need their approval, I just need to know how to accept the fact that they aren't happy and the boyfriend is very critical. I guess I need to just let it go. The situation is definitely tolerable, and like you said, soon they will be off in their own lives. The daughter is almost like that now, but I adore my kids, I was a single parent (so to speak) for years. We only had each other. I just wanted a nice family life. You can't have everything I guess, and an easygoing guy, might have had way more problems with his own children, financial, workwise, or maybe some other type of drug use (marjuana).

I guess I'm just worn out and tired of struggling.

Help me build some kind of resolve you guys.

[clia]

What should I have said to my son and the boy last night? Offer me some suggestions, that would maybe help me see how to react to this situation. I need a lot of advice and help on building a resolve.

 

You need to recover control of your house. It's one thing if he has dinner with you from time to time--I think it's crazy for it to be this frequent.

 

When you are starting to prepare dinner, inform your son and the friend that dinner time is at 6 o'clock, and the friend is going to have to go home while your son eats dinner. (My mom did this, my friends' moms did this...it's not rude to send someone home for an hour while your kid has dinner.) Tell the friend to go home and have his dinner at the same time.

 

Last night before the friend grabbed the slice of pizza, you should have informed him that he needs to go home and have dinner with his family. Do not feel rude--these are kids and they need you to set boundaries for them. If the kid starts whining about having no dinner at his house or whatever, tell him to talk to his mother about that.

 

Also, speak to your son and tell him it is inappropriate to "feed the neighborhood." Tell him if he is hungy, he is free to have a can of Chef Boyardee, but his friends can go home and get dinner from their parents.

[Ryan]

The situation is definitely tolerable

 

Tolerable? M'dear, we can't help you until you set higher goals for yourself (and your kids) than tolerable.

 

I just wanted a nice family life. You can't have everything I guess, and an easygoing guy, might have had way more problems with his own children, financial, workwise, or maybe some other type of drug use (marjuana).

 

Your words very much echo what you've experienced....people with one serious flaw or another. That's not the only kind of person out there.

 

Sure....you can't have the best. You CAN have better.

 

Have you ever had any counseling sessions?

[yes]

It may be really hard to set these rules, especially after not having set them right in the beginning.

 

Perhaps you can say that dinner is a family thing, and unless YOU (you're the mother of the house, you cook, you set the rules) invite your kids' friends over (not right before dinner, but at least a day in advance), you'll ask them to leave at 6pm. And make sure to have dinner at 6pm sharp from that day on.

 

And by the way... my parents had a rule that I couldn't take any food unless I asked first. I still sometimes forget & ask if I may take something from the fridge (i'm 21 ) So tell your son that neither he nor his friends may grab anything to eat until YOU give it to them or give permission.

 

good luck!

-yes

[midori]

Here's how things were when I was growing up.

 

1. My sister and I could ask -- ASK -- to have a friend stay over for supper only one night each week. And we could ask -- again, note ASK -- to have supper at a friend's house one night each week. Asking did not guarantee permission on either front.

 

2. When asking, we had to speak to our mom or dad (almost always mom) about it in private, so as not to put her on the spot with our friend watching. If we asked in front of our friends, the answer was automatically no. We knew this explicitly.

 

3. We could never ask to have a friend stay for supper -- or to go to their house -- once our mother had started cooking the meal. She always made home-cooked meals with multiple dishes, so this was quite reasonable. An extra person -- or one fewer -- would have messed up her serving plan.

 

4. Same went for other requests regarding friends generally: ask privately and do not assume anything until permission was granted.

 

You could set similar rules. Maybe the neighbor kids can only come over two or three times a week. If they can't clean up after themselves then they won't be welcome at all.

 

Look, your kids are probably being pressured to some extent by their friends. Not in an underhanded or devious way, but simply because the kids are from a bad home and would prefer to be in yours. So they put spoken or unspoken pressure on your kids. Who in turn put it on you. You are the adult. It is your home. You make the rules. You will have to enforce the rules. It won't make you popular. But that's not what being a parent is all about. They don't see the work you do, they don't see the pressures you have. They are unable to appreciate it; they're kids. The neighbor kids only see that your home is a more pleasant environment than their house; they don't see how their presence is an intrusion.

 

As for your son believing good things about his dad -- well of course he does. No kid wants to think of their parent as a monster, and if your ex is trying to encourage it, it'll be easy for your son to see his father as a good guy who deserves a second chance. Fighting your son's attitude -- no matter how mistaken he is -- won't get you much except your son's resentment. You'll be playing right into your ex's hands.

 

You might want to consider, by the way, that part of the reason your current bf doesn't like your kids is because he's been getting subtle or not-so-subtle resistance from them. If your son is subscribing to some revisionist family history, he may be inclined to see your current bf as the reason his parents aren't together. Just a possibility.

 

I think you ought to consider some family counseling. Seems like there are a lot of issues you each need to resolve, individually and as a family.

[Tony T]

Please send me a private message with your menu for the week. If I like something in particular, I may want to come over for dinner myself. By the way, do you know how to make peach cobbler? I love that stuff!!!