My boyfriend has been sleeping with escorts

[chifladaprincess814]

Well, this is a rather long story so be prepared!!

 

My boyfriend and I have had a long distance relationship for the past year. Although we lived across the country, we flew to see each other once, twice a month until things evolved to the point that I needed to move here to DC with him.

 

I had always had this gut feeling that things weren't right with him; I knew in my heart of hearts that he was sleeping with other girls, but never had the evidence to prove it. So, I chalked it up to being half a country away from each other.

 

Then comes the move. I moved from Texas to DC only to find out that he has been sleeping with escorts the entire time we have been together, and several years before that. I knew that he frequented strip clubs and things like that, but never thought that he was so involved with that "lifestyle". It was even to the extent of being a member to escort review sites, and his phone address book on-line had at least 50 escorts listed. I called him out on this, obviously, and he said that he had done it a couple times because he was lonely and didn't want to date anyone else. I told him that this could never happen again or else I was leaving. And it did.

 

I found out that in February that he had slept with an escort. I moved here in December; the old excuse turned out to be just that. This time he said that he didn't know how to deal with someone being around all the time (he has never lived with anyone before, and never had a relationship over a year) and he knew that he dealt with it inappropriately. I immediately moved to the other bedroom, trying to give myself as much space as possible. As I am a full time student, I don't have the option of moving out to my own place right away. I told him I would only consider not moving back home if we went to therapy - both couple and individual. We have gone to one couples session and multiple individual sessions, but I am not sure his actions match his words. He has told me that he would do whatever it takes to make this up to me; to prove to me that he is the man I fell in love with. This week I have come downstairs to him watching porn, and then yesterday told me he was coming home around a certain time, instead stayed out with a partner at his firm and got tanked.

 

If he truly wanted this to work, I doubt he would be acting this way. I feel like there is no consequence for his actions and every day I resent him a little more for having me move here under false pretenses. Our whole entire relationship has turned out to be one huge flagrant lie. If he is willing to work on this, should I stay? Or is the damage already done and our future together too far gone? As you can imagine, I am extremely furious and confused.

 

Thank you for any help.

[zicke]

Dump him. No need to even question it. Dump. Him.

 

You gave him the ground rules and he broke them. What's to save? He'll do it again, he has shown you that.

[torranceshipman]

HUGE dirtbag alert. Dump him immediately! The fact that he uses escorts and has so many escorts listed in his book is BAD enough...the fact that he cheated on you with escorts DURING your LDR and DURING the time you lived together is totally unforgivable...he's cheated on you multiple times and lied to you - and you probably need to get tested as he may have put you in danger of picking up an STD - the only way this story could get worse is if you stay.

[porter218]

This is a serious and dangerous addiction he has. There is no saving your relationship. I am a former escort myself, these men don't stop they just get better at hiding their tracks. There is no actual reason for what they do other then they tried it once and realized how easy it was. Men can really be disrespectfull of their relationships. I would say that only 5% of men who see escorts ever reform. And if your man is so deep into it that he is a member of those reveiw sites I can almost promise you he will not ever change for any legth of time.

[biffster]

Hi ... you have to decide right here and now weather or not you can accept this as part of your life ... it will not change ... some men are wired that way ...

 

... in Europe, for example, escorts are legal in some parts ... and affairs are out in the open ... the wife has a role, and the escorts have a role ...

 

Not everyone! Of course ... but it the same here in the U.S.., but since it is illegal here and frowned upon, it is not out in the open ... but it still exists ...

 

... more often than not, the wife knows about this, and looks the other way ... not in every case ... but, when a man is wired this way, and frequents escorts as part of his life, and thinks nothing of it .. you either have to accept it or not .. It just does not change ...

 

... This is a tough one to swallow ... it's a matter of you accepting him for who he is, and if this is a "deal breaker" for you ... as it certainly would be for me ... along with drugs and alcohol ... then you must move on ... you cannot change anybody! His indiscretions have nothing to do with how he feels about you ... this is just him ... he would do it to anyone ... he cannot help it ... well ... he can, but people can only change if THEY want to ... you can't make anyone change ... And, if this is his MO, if this is engrained as part of his pattern of behavior in everyday life ... it is not going to change ...

 

... Now, the choice is yours - you must determine if this is the type of life you want to live ... or not ... KNOW NOW ... IT IS NEVER GOING TO CHANGE .. YOU MUST ACCEPT THAT AND MAKE YOUR DECISION ACCORDINGLY ...

[torranceshipman]

Good points there Biffster, but I have lots of European friends and I can assure you, affairs aren;t out in the open or accepted there anymore than they are in the US!

[whichwayisup]

should I stay?

 

No. End it and walk away. Since you two are not married, or living together, you really don't have to make it work. I doubt you'll ever be able to trust him again either.

[Javelin]

Why would you want to stay with someone that will cheat on you? Not only that, but he's paying for these sexual services?! Do yourself a favor and move back to Texas and live a happy life with someone that will show you the respect that you deserve. This joke of a man gives us real gentleman a bad name.

[AAlike]

yeah, I think this one is more of a no-brainer than most of the stuff posted on here.

 

I honestly have never understood the whole concept of escorts. maybe it's just me, but a good 80-90% of the appeal of sex to me, whether casual or emotional, revolves around knowing that the girl wants to sleep with me.

 

in my opinion, even if the guy hadn't done it while involved with you, I'd have to question the ability of someone who compulsively sleeps with escorts to really love and appreciate a woman in a conventional way. Once or twice I would say is no big deal, but to be "actively in the scene" so to speak...I dunno. THEN you tack on that he is doing this WHILE supposedly dating you - I mean, come on. he's lonely...big deal, that's what porn and calling you for some phone sex is for.

[AAlike]

Hi ... you have to decide right here and now weather or not you can accept this as part of your life ... it will not change ... some men are wired that way ...

 

... in Europe, for example, escorts are legal in some parts ... and affairs are out in the open ... the wife has a role, and the escorts have a role ...

 

 

that's all well and good, but in these situations, it is disclosed, and the women have a choice of whether to remain in such an arrangement. and honestly, it's more common in the states than you realize, especially among the wealthy, it's just that the women are more often mistresses than escorts.

 

however - it's very different when this is a relationship that she sees as monogamous and he is being deceitful about. This behavior is more indicative of a sex addict or someone with some issues, not a healthy, polyamorous arrangement (and yes, I realize that some people may find that to be an oxymoron).

[systemic7]

As others have said, straight up dump him. There is nothing to indicate that he even remotely deserves another chance after this.

[shanny]

Please dump him before he hurts you anymore or gives you an STD. I knew someone about five years ago who got HIV from her husband who had sex with a prostitute. He only did it once and she has to suffer for the rest of her life now. It's one of those things that you think won't happen to you but it can.

 

STDs aside, if a guy is chosing to have sex with strangers rather than his girlfriend than I think he has serious problems. Leave him and don't look back. This is very cut and dry... He's a dirtbag.