pandagirl Posted May 31, 2008 Share Posted May 31, 2008 So, for those of you following the saga of Pandagirl and her new guy: we just broke up. Well breaking up isn't even a good term, since there was no substantial relationship there in the first place, but after a month, he decided to end things. Basically, I think we felt the same way about each other. We really liked each other, had a ton of fun, very attracted to each other, shared a lot of common interests, etc. But, when it came down to "X Factor," that feeling that makes you feel head over heel in love with someone, he said it was missing and that was why it wasn't going to work out. He just "knew." Granted, I didn't feel this way about him either. In the past I have fallen for guys that had the "X Factor," but nothing ever worked out. With this newest guy, I saw the potential to have an incredible friendship plus the sexual chemistry was there, so I decided to give it a shot and see what developed. Except, now I'll never know though, although my gut tells me he is right. We both stated that this was "the most unusual break-up" we've ever had. He came over to my place, and when I got out of the bathroom he said: "Okay, I know this is contradictory, but I know we are going to break up at some point, but I also want to have sex with you, so I don't know what to do." ha! After talking and talking and talking, we did end up having sex for the first time. And after, we talked and talked and talked some more. Just being really open and honest about past relationships, how I felt about things, how he felt, etc. It weirdly brought us closer together, while also providing closure. So, all in all, I am OK. I'm bummed because I am going to miss him, but we both want to try to be friends eventually. I just am disappointed that he didn't even want to give it a shot, to open himself up, and see if he could have deeper feelings for me. Because that's what I did with him, and it was starting to work (thanks therapy!). But everyone works in different ways, you can't change people's minds, and I certainly dont want to convince anyone that they want to be with me. What do you guys think? Link to post Share on other sites
Cov Posted May 31, 2008 Share Posted May 31, 2008 I think he dumped you because of the Herpes thing, though quite why he put his own health at risk from this disease is something that confuses me. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamergrl Posted May 31, 2008 Share Posted May 31, 2008 Panda, I think over all this has been a very healthy experience for you. Given the situation, what you had to over come, and learning how to tell your partner about HSV - while it may not have worked out, I'm glad that it wasn't a horrible situation for you. I think it was much needed! Good luck to you in the future! Link to post Share on other sites
Author pandagirl Posted May 31, 2008 Author Share Posted May 31, 2008 Thanks DG! It was a healthy experience for me, for sure. Though things didnt work out, I can't really complain. He never did anything bad to me. Just most relationships don't work out! Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted May 31, 2008 Share Posted May 31, 2008 We both stated that this was "the most unusual break-up" we've ever had. He came over to my place, and when I got out of the bathroom he said: "Okay, I know this is contradictory, but I know we are going to break up at some point, but I also want to have sex with you, so I don't know what to do." ha! If you're okay with sleeping with someone who has stated he's not that interested, this is your call. I have to ask though. Why would you do this when you wanted more from him? In essence, you've made yourself a booty call. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted May 31, 2008 Share Posted May 31, 2008 I think she had sex with him to make herself feel desired.. Who hasn't done that ? I have had sex with someone I should not have just to help myself feel good.. sure.. not an ideal thing to do but a very human thing to do.... and isn't that really how FWB's start ? Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted May 31, 2008 Share Posted May 31, 2008 I think she had sex with him to make herself feel desired.. Who hasn't done that ?.. and isn't that really how FWB's start ? I've never done that. It's not worth it and neither is an FWB. My opinion though. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted May 31, 2008 Share Posted May 31, 2008 I've never done that. It's not worth it and neither is an FWB. My opinion though. I do agree that a FWB isn't worth it.. Relationships are all about learning.. nobody is perfect and knows how to have a relationship without trial and error... that is what dating is about.. to not only to find what we want but to also learn what we don't want... Now if this becomes a pattern in dating then it might mean something more.. but until she keeps repeating this then I would say she just had fun with a guy... Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted May 31, 2008 Share Posted May 31, 2008 I do agree that a FWB isn't worth it.. Relationships are all about learning.. nobody is perfect and knows how to have a relationship without trial and error... that is what dating is about.. to not only to find what we want but to also learn what we don't want... Now if this becomes a pattern in dating then it might mean something more.. but until she keeps repeating this then I would say she just had fun with a guy... As long as she's not wanting more from the guy, she can have as much fun as she wants. If she wants more, then I don't understand making yourself a booty call. Ascribing physical desire to caring, is a good way to hurt/harm yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted May 31, 2008 Share Posted May 31, 2008 So, all in all, I am OK. I'm bummed because I am going to miss him, but we both want to try to be friends eventually. I just am disappointed that he didn't even want to give it a shot, to open himself up, and see if he could have deeper feelings for me. Because that's what I did with him, and it was starting to work (thanks therapy!). But everyone works in different ways, you can't change people's minds, and I certainly dont want to convince anyone that they want to be with me. You go, panda! No skin off your nose; it just didn't work out. Period, end of story. Hasn't taken anything away from you, or who you are. Onward and upward! Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted May 31, 2008 Share Posted May 31, 2008 As long as she's not wanting more from the guy, she can have as much fun as she wants. If she wants more, then I don't understand making yourself a booty call. Ascribing physical desire to caring, is a good way to hurt/harm yourself. I agree.. only Panda knows what is going on in her head.. if she was doing it to keep the relationship from failing then it was at the sacrifice of her self esteem.. I don't really think the guy had as much respect for her as she thought and he might have used the fact she was a bit down to ask for sex... But I also think there is nothing wrong with 2 people having no strings sex.. they knew each other well enough thru dating to have some comfort in each other... Link to post Share on other sites
Author pandagirl Posted May 31, 2008 Author Share Posted May 31, 2008 We both knew things weren't going to work out in the long term, but I was having fun in the meantime. Also, I didn't go through all the hassle of telling him I had herpes to TURN DOWN sex! C'mon! haha. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted May 31, 2008 Share Posted May 31, 2008 I agree.. only Panda knows what is going on in her head.. if she was doing it to keep the relationship from failing then it was at the sacrifice of her self esteem.. I don't really think the guy had as much respect for her as she thought and he might have used the fact she was a bit down to ask for sex... But I also think there is nothing wrong with 2 people having no strings sex.. they knew each other well enough thru dating to have some comfort in each other... I agree with everything you've said, as long as both parties are on the same page and neither is invested or wanting more. I will say that there are more men than women who are capable of compartmentalizing sex and caring. I will also say that many, not all women who pretend they can, usually have ulterior motives in that they're hoping to keep a guy hanging around by using sex as the bait. More often than not, it backfires and they get hurt and disappointed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author pandagirl Posted May 31, 2008 Author Share Posted May 31, 2008 I think my guy actually has a lot of respect for me. We were going to have sex anyway that night, but I'm glad he brought up the topic of breaking up before rather than later. We also discussed at LENGTH before we had sex whether or not it was a good idea. He said: "I just don't want you to feel bad about this later." And I thought about it, and said: "Nah. I'm fine. Here's the condom!" But I really did think for a good 5 or 10 minutes whether I had other motivations for having sex with him. Thought about if I was doing it to make him stay. Thought about if this would make me feel bad. And, unless I'm in severe denial, I feel completely fine! I know he likes and respects me as a person, but I am also not blind to the fact that his physical attraction towards me was one of the main motivating factors of dating me. I felt the same way about him. We are extremely comfortable round each other, and it was just natural. Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted May 31, 2008 Share Posted May 31, 2008 I 1. desperate 2. low in self-esteem and 3. promiscuous (Sorry.) No way!! She already knew they were not going to proceed as a couple and she made a conscious choice to have sex with him anyway how is that showing low-self esteem on the contrary it shows power on her part, it says "yeah ok sure we won't end up a couple, I agree but let's share a good hot romp for the road anyway" Desperate? She didn't exactlty go out and find any old guy on the street she chose a man she knew. Promiscuous? Being a woman you can get a guy at your beck and call if you are of moderate attraction and above, heck even if you are not men are always ready and willing if you are, promiscuity is going out and having sex with random men in big numbers. Having sex with a man you already know you hit it off with and you have a level of emotional intimacy with is not promiscous at all, it's smart actually she knows EXACTLY what she is getting into so she can just relax and enjoy the ride. Link to post Share on other sites
allina Posted May 31, 2008 Share Posted May 31, 2008 Why is it that a woman can never just want sex for sex. Why is it impossible to believe that she had sex with him because that's what she wanted? Why does it have to be attached to low self esteem or the desire to fulfill a deeper need? Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted May 31, 2008 Share Posted May 31, 2008 We both knew things weren't going to work out in the long term, but I was having fun in the meantime. Also, I didn't go through all the hassle of telling him I had herpes to TURN DOWN sex! C'mon! haha. Why is it that a woman can never just want sex for sex. Why is it impossible to believe that she had sex with him because that's what she wanted? Why does it have to be attached to low self esteem or the desire to fulfill a deeper need? You tell me. Link to post Share on other sites
Nemo Posted May 31, 2008 Share Posted May 31, 2008 I'm bummed because I am going to miss him, but we both want to try to be friends eventually. Sorry to hear about this pandagirl. You seem to be coping really well. Anyway, I have to say props to him for getting educated, and understanding that there is 0% chance of herpes being transmitted if the person is not experiencing an outbreak. So he knew that the sex you had was risk-free. It's good to know that common sense is a lot more common than we sometimes think it is. Best wishes for a full-speed recovery! Link to post Share on other sites
allina Posted May 31, 2008 Share Posted May 31, 2008 You tell me. No you tell me, you're the one insisting on this being a deeper issue. I believe PA. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted May 31, 2008 Share Posted May 31, 2008 No you tell me, you're the one insisting on this being a deeper issue. I believe PA. When you're dating someone you're not serious about or want more, you usually don't start so many threads in reference to how it's affecting you. You also don't describe a dating experience as a break up when you're not in a relationship and are non-exclusive. It's just another experience that is of superficial nature. It skates off you. Link to post Share on other sites
Nemo Posted May 31, 2008 Share Posted May 31, 2008 When you're dating someone you're not serious about or want more, you usually don't start so many threads in reference to how it's affecting you. You also don't describe a dating experience as a break up when you're not in a relationship and are non-exclusive. It's just another experience that is of superficial nature. It skates off you. That's actually very insightful. Of course, I never think that talking about it can be a bad thing. If denial is lurking, it may eventually come out to play. Link to post Share on other sites
allina Posted May 31, 2008 Share Posted May 31, 2008 When you're dating someone you're not serious about or want more, you usually don't start so many threads in reference to how it's affecting you. You also don't describe a dating experience as a break up when you're not in a relationship and are non-exclusive. It's just another experience that is of superficial nature. It skates off you. I agree and I'm not saying that the guy was meaningless to Panda. I just feel like she's being honest with us and with herself when she says that although she liked him she too realized it wasn't going anywhere and decided to have sex with him because she wanted sex with him. From what I see, especially on here, women who try to convince themselves that there is a future with a specific guy although they have been rejected have a very different attitude than Panda. These are the women who go back again and again desperate for the guy to change his mind, they focus on every little excuse they can to find a reason for the rejection that doesn't boil down to the simple truth that the guy just isn't that interested. I feel like panda has accepted that the guy didn't feel like he was falling for her enough and wanted to have sex with him because she felt like it. Insisting that she has low self esteem is really jumping to conclusions, and in my opinion the wrong conclusions. Link to post Share on other sites
Author pandagirl Posted May 31, 2008 Author Share Posted May 31, 2008 Well, the reason why I think I'm not in denial, is because while I have voiced my insecurities about dating this guy, thus leading some to believe I have deeper feelings to him, I know that these insecurities were my OWN issues, not related to him. That being said, from the beginning of starting dating this guy, I went into it for the experience. I almost turned down the first date from this guy (we met online). This was a process of me getting myself back in the "game" and becoming comfortable with dating again and telling someone about having herpes. I went on this first date viewing him as "practice" dating. Fortunately, and to my shock, he turned out to be a good guy, cute, funny and intelligent. After seven dates with him, neither one of us were feeling the "sparks" even though we both really liked each other. He broke it off, and I understood. BUT, when you're incredibly attracted to someone physically, why not capitalize on it?! Especially when you feel comfortable and everything has been laid out on the table with no mixed messages. Him: "Things aren't going to work out, but I want to have sex." Me: "I know what you mean. Let's have sex." Ironically, though things have ended (and hopefully the beginning of a friendship eventually), this very short relationship was probably the most brutally honest and trustworthy dating experiences I've ever had. It's taught me that being honest with my feelings, and having someone do so in return, at every point in a relationship is the best way to go, even though it may not be what you want to hear. Doing this makes you feel strong and true to yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted May 31, 2008 Share Posted May 31, 2008 Two consenting adults- both had a complete understanding of the risks and wanted to have sex... It's no one's judgement call to make but theirs! Link to post Share on other sites
Author pandagirl Posted May 31, 2008 Author Share Posted May 31, 2008 Did I give him what he wanted? Yes. He totally scored. Got his cake and ate it, too. I played around with the thought of not having sex with him just to spite him, but when it came down to it, I realized I wanted it as much as he did. Who am I to deprive myself? Link to post Share on other sites
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