Pandagirl gets dumped: I'm bummed, but OK

[notgoodatthis]

JMO but I don't think it was so much that PG was so into this guy, she was dealing with dating w/hsv and getting back into the playing field. I think she was dealing with her insecurities of dating with hsv. It's not wrong that she slept with him knowing they were going to break up because she now knows and can feel confident that despite what she has, she can still be desired by a man. She can know that the stigmata of dating with an STD doesn't have to effect her love life or sex life as much as it's conceived to be so wrong. PG over came something that was difficult for her. I applaud her and her strength.

 

I can't help but think about my ex who got herpes when she went on a cruise and cheated on me. I hope she struggles forever with this thing. I think the difference between PG and my ex is that my ex is rotten to the core and has absolutely no consideration for anyone but herself and her desires. PG seems very sweet and genuine. Herpes would not be an issue for me if i met a girl like her.

[pandagirl]

Well, thanks for thinking I am sweet and genuine! that's very nice of you.

 

I will always use condoms in casual dating, short-term relationships. And I will always disclose that I have herpes. But if I ever get involved in a serious LTR with someone I am thinking about marrying, it will be both of our decisions to decide how to go about protection.

[notgoodatthis]

At least there is lots of information out there about H. Before the internet, it must have been hell. I also get the feeling that H is harder for guys in the dating world. Almost all women I ask if they would date a guy with herpes says not only NO but HELL NO. There are so many lonely guys out there and guys who can't get laid that they really are open for anything. Plus it's easier for a girl to get H. I respect any girl who will disclose it before the relationship. It's funny, my ex and I were getting close to getting back together and she disclosed she caught it just as if it were a new relationship. Out of principle, I could not take her back due to how she got it. As time went on, since we were neighbors, we were starting to bond again after like 4 months before she decided to trade me in again and shove it in my face. She is just a very cruel person but I'm getting off the topic here. Stay sweet, PG.

[Replicant]

fishtaco:

 

2 - Exactly, there was no emotional chemistry. That was the key problem. The entire time I was dating him, it felt like I was dating a good friend who I wanted to make out with all the time (he's hot!). However, I am now aware that emotional chemistry can develop if you are open to it.

 

3 - I was invested because in prior relationships, I have always either self-sabotaged the situation, or not even bothered getting involved in fear of getting hurt. During this experience, I wanted to push my boundaries and go against my natural extincts. Last week, I even told my friend that I should just break-up with me, because things weren't progressing the way I wanted them to, but since the "giving up/what's the point" attitude is such a pattern of my behavior, I decided to stick it out, relax, and see what could develop.

 

Typically if people think so highly of someone they will be willing to go the extra mile to make things work and try to. That's one side of what i interpreted from you, the other hand you probably fought with yourself internally and sabotaged the entire thing before it even has a chance to become. Because typically if there is no interest all of these positive affinities he disclosed about you are meaningless and play upon your weakness to get into your pants based on his 'lust' factor approach to relationships. His words conflict about as much as yours did. Now while you approach coming off this with a gold medallion for bedding this dude, you've validated the fact someone will sleep with you post knowing you have herpes but for all the wrong reasons. No respect comes from this, nothing positive, it's but a dead stop at that point.

 

Why would a guy want to meet up for a beer to joke about such? That would be like asking for invisible degradation or inviting him into your pants again. Nothing came from that move, because he played your emotions up just to get your pants down is not coming from someone whom respects you. The way you approached it initially was natural, like you wanted something positive to come of this relationship. Then you became needy and doubtful and pretty much self ditched it (??). This guy just preyed on your weaknesses plain and simple 'read between the lines'. The 'promiscuous power' crowd cheering you on here, is their own agenda or insecurities at work. Because anyone whom read your posts aside from the herpes thread knew you wanted something positive to come of this (why wouldn't you right?). I did not think you to be one to just settle on being f***ed then dumped. That's why i said i do not buy what you are trying to sell here.

[pandagirl]

Typically if people think so highly of someone they will be willing to go the extra mile to make things work and try to. That's one side of what i interpreted from you, the other hand you probably fought with yourself internally and sabotaged the entire thing before it even has a chance to become. Because typically if there is no interest all of these positive affinities he disclosed about you are meaningless and play upon your weakness to get into your pants based on his 'lust' factor approach to relationships. His words conflict about as much as yours did. Now while you approach coming off this with a gold medallion for bedding this dude, you've validated the fact someone will sleep with you post knowing you have herpes but for all the wrong reasons. No respect comes from this, nothing positive, it's but a dead stop at that point.

 

Why would a guy want to meet up for a beer to joke about such? That would be like asking for invisible degradation or inviting him into your pants again. Nothing came from that move, because he played your emotions up just to get your pants down is not coming from someone whom respects you. The way you approached it initially was natural, like you wanted something positive to come of this relationship. Then you became needy and doubtful and pretty much self ditched it (??). This guy just preyed on your weaknesses plain and simple 'read between the lines'. The 'promiscuous power' crowd cheering you on here, is their own agenda or insecurities at work. Because anyone whom read your posts aside from the herpes thread knew you wanted something positive to come of this (why wouldn't you right?). I did not think you to be one to just settle on being f***ed then dumped. That's why i said i do not buy what you are trying to sell here.

 

Well, I guess I can see why you've interpreted my actions as such, but when it comes down to it, you don't really know me or the guy I was dating, who we are, what we are like and what our relationship entailed. At all.

 

Am I a bit of an insecure headcase? You bet. Am I working on it? Of course. Did this guy want sex from me? Duh. Was he using me in a malicious way? No.

 

I know who I am and I am not a person who makes stupid decisions. I haven't done that since I was 23. I am a good judge of character and I know this guy well enough to know he wasn't trying to dupe me. He's a good guy. If he really was a jerk, he would've had sex with me then dumped me after the fact.

 

Bottom line is, I don't feel bad about this.

[tinalooks808]

Well, thanks for thinking I am sweet and genuine! that's very nice of you.

 

I will always use condoms in casual dating, short-term relationships. And I will always disclose that I have herpes. But if I ever get involved in a serious LTR with someone I am thinking about marrying, it will be both of our decisions to decide how to go about protection.

 

PG I had hope that there was a private message option but apparently not on this forum so here i go .. I like you have the dreaded H... I found out about it 3 years ago and i have only had 2 outbreaks ... I was devastated when I found out.. because the partner I had didn't have the balls to tell me I had it ...

I guess what my question is how do you go about telling your prospective partners that you have it? I have been in a relationship that im not all that happy in and after talking to a girlfriend of mine for a few hrs i have come to realize im in it because I'm afraid of being rejected again over and over... it took me a year and a half to find someone who could deal with the whole H issue and he isn't everything I want and more ... all the men who are ideal for me personality wise run for the hills when they find out about the H

 

I used to wait about a month or two (not sleeping with them of course) and then I would have the "talk" and they would all say that im a great girl and they wish they could deal with the fact that I have it but they cant .... I just feel like I am being punished for being a honest person... I know it is their choice in the end ... but should i hold off a little longer to have the talk with them? what kind of wording do you use? I need a little advice/words of encouragement/reassurance that I will find someone who wont reject me for being honest!

[pandagirl]

Hey Tina, there is PM, but you just have to enable it on your profile.

 

I'm sorry that you're afraid to leave your relationship, because of having H. I totally understand that it's scary and upsetting, but believe me -- there are guys out there that will accept you!

 

The guy I'm pertaining to in this thread was the first guy I ever told about having H. It was really stressful and emotionally torturous, but I knew I had to do it. I told him on only our fourth date, just because I'd rather tell sooner than later. I think the key to telling someone is confidence and being educated about H. I basically said: "I have to tell you something. I had a boyfriend a few years ago who cheated on me. It was a bad relationship, and he ended up giving me herpes." I was just very blunt and didn't mince words. Of course, he was a little like "???" And then I asked him if he knew anything about it. He didn't, so I gave him a few facts, like: "It's a very common STD. One of four women have it, and if you take precautions, the chances of transmitting it are very slim." I then went on to say: "I just wanted to be completely honest with you, because I respect you and like you, and I would never want to pass this onto someone else without giving them the choice." Just own your words!

 

The choice is yours of *when* you want to tell a potential partner. Though I'm not dating the guy anymore (we're still friends), he was totally cool about it and supportive. He didn't bail, he didn't react badly. He just went home, did some research on his own and came back with: "I did my research, and it's not a big deal." The reasons the relationship didn't work out, were reasons completely unrelated to H.

 

Education is key! I swear, if someone likes you, they most likely won't have a problem with it. I have a couple other friends who have it, who have never been turned down by a guy.

 

Of course, the next guy I tell may not be so comfortable with it, but at least I know there are guys out there who will be. We often make it out to be a bigger deal in our heads than it really is in reality. Think about it: one in four women! Do you think 25% of the US population is not living their lives? No, they're in relationships, married, with kids, just like everyone else. It's just part of life. It sucks that we have a bit of a hurdle to jump with relationships with H, but I promise you, it will be ok!

[pandagirl]

And just a quick PS: the guy I was dating (the one i'm talking about in this thread) and I hung out last night. Of course, once I stopped calling and returning his emails, he was all over me. We hung out in a group setting with his friend and my friend and it was a lot of fun. I played it cool and, naturally, he was totally into me by the end of the night. He kissed me, but I pulled away (although it was tempting not to!) and was like: "Wait, you said you wanted to be FRIENDS, remember?" Now he wants to hang out soon again.

 

Oh, you always want what you can't have!

[Art_Critic]

PG.. you know he wants more.. why continue to play this game ?

[D-Lish]

I can't help but think about my ex who got herpes when she went on a cruise and cheated on me. I hope she struggles forever with this thing. I think the difference between PG and my ex is that my ex is rotten to the core and has absolutely no consideration for anyone but herself and her desires. PG seems very sweet and genuine. Herpes would not be an issue for me if i met a girl like her.

 

hey- I think it's very cool you can see the difference between someone who is just an ass-hole (like your ex), and someone who is a victim of circumstance.

 

If you had have stayed with your ex- you could have been a victim of circumstance yourself.

 

 

 

Good people and bad people get std's.

[pandagirl]

Well, our social circles are sort of meshed now. I know not an excuse, but we actually get along really, really well. The premise of our dating life was based on four hour conversations and a part of me doesn't want to give that up. I don't get along with people that well very often.

 

My friends are a very discerning group of people and very protective of me. They generally think that this guy is a genuinely good guy (to have a friend). I know none of you know him, but he is a good person.

 

Maybe I'm naive in thinking we can be friends, but I don't want to get involved with him again in a romantic/sex way. It just doesn't work.

[Gawdess]

OK but realize that when he becomes romantically involved with a woman, you won't have the "hanging out" long phone calls, etc. It will be pretty much ovah.

 

Well, our social circles are sort of meshed now. I know not an excuse, but we actually get along really, really well. The premise of our dating life was based on four hour conversations and a part of me doesn't want to give that up. I don't get along with people that well very often.

 

My friends are a very discerning group of people and very protective of me. They generally think that this guy is a genuinely good guy (to have a friend). I know none of you know him, but he is a good person.

 

Maybe I'm naive in thinking we can be friends, but I don't want to get involved with him again in a romantic/sex way. It just doesn't work.

[tinalooks808]

well thank you PG for the quick response...

 

I have to own the words this is true and hard to do when you really like someone ....

 

one day ill find someone who doesnt run your right ... just sucks

 

next time around ill try to be a little more relaxed when telling them about it ..

 

and your right if i were to have told them that 1 in 4 women have it and tell them that like 90% of them dont even know .. they have prob been exposed to it and never knew it... maybe it will loosen them up about it just a little ..

[Gawdess]

Well, she told the guy and he's willing to have her for a f**k buddy but doesn't want a relationship with her. Personally I think he's an a** and I wouldn't settle for him but for each their own.

 

well thank you PG for the quick response...

 

I have to own the words this is true and hard to do when you really like someone ....

 

one day ill find someone who doesnt run your right ... just sucks

 

next time around ill try to be a little more relaxed when telling them about it ..

 

and your right if i were to have told them that 1 in 4 women have it and tell them that like 90% of them dont even know .. they have prob been exposed to it and never knew it... maybe it will loosen them up about it just a little ..