Who would I go to

[the21yearoldvirgin]

I'm a very social awkward person and I'm trying to figure out myself. I'm 23 btw.

 

I would first like to say that my body has a lot of scars on it, from my face (not so bad) to my back, to butt to my genitals. I have keloids all over. I'm also uncircumcised so it just looks bad down there with the bumps I have. I've been to a dermatologist but all they can do is injections to push them down. They can't do much with my genitals.

 

Since I had this it caused me to not like getting touched, I'd jump in high school if someone touched my shoulders or I'd just get so uncomfortable that I couldn't speak right.

 

I was invited to a boat party but I didn't want to go because I don't want to take my shirt off. If I did I would feel so uncomfortable. And people would ask why I'm swimming with my shirt on and I don't want to tell anyone about my issues.

 

When I moved to my Uni I made no friends. I would make some but I'd just feel so out of place compared to my friends back at home. During lunch I'd sit by myself or with my room mate when he was around. Some people invited me to sit by them so I did, but all they talked about was sports and I felt out of place yet again so I just sat alone and change my lunch hours.

 

I have a hard time saying hi to acquaintances. It just seems like they have tunnel vision and don't notice to me. There's a lot of times where I'd say hi and they never responded. It just makes me feel stupid so I just don't do it anymore.

 

I'm known as the quiet guy, I'd rather just listen to conversations and comment once or twice. Once in a blue moon a girl will say something to me and I get caught from off guard and I look like a fool. Last semester a girl expressed interest in me, I just avoided her and ignored her. I'm afraid she will think I'm weird and disgusting I really can't handle being denied. I just don't feel like there's anything good about me. I can't even see myself with a woman even though my imagination makes it seem so.

 

Speeches are so bad. My start shaking, I can't speak right, and my face goes numb. Funny thing is, I was the top person in one of my classes in answering the teachers questions. In fact in a lot of my classes I try to answer questions. I don't really get that.

 

My Mom keeps bugging me about why I don't have a girlfriend. I just ignore it. About 3 or 4 years ago I tried to open up to her about my depression and low self esteem and she brushed it off. I just felt like it was a slap in the face from her. It's depressing me again.

 

All my friends have girlfriends or potential girlfriends while I don't have anything. Not even a girl friend that I could call and ask to hang out. I just end up chatting with them online because that's all I feel comfortable with. I just feel like a boring person. One comment about me could almost ruin my day. Like once my friend asked me if I had any girls that I'm interested in and all I could say is I don't. It just made me feel like I'm not normal even though I know I'm not normal.

 

The only thing I can link is that since my body got physically bad, it has caused my personality to be bad.

 

There's a lot more than this but I feel this is the most relevant stuff.

 

Who should I see? It's hard but I just can't feel good about myself. I just keep asking myself why I can't be normal like everyone else and I don't know what to do with myself. Maybe I should just give up trying to make a relationship with a woman and have a life long struggle on trying to live myself. Maybe I'm asexual like my friend has said. It's all depressing me.

 

Even with all this going on I seem to lead a normal life I think. It might be a bit awkward but still..