Need from Any Married Men Who Are or Have Cheated on Their Wife -

[biffster]

My story involves an emotional affair that crossed the line .. when it crossed the line, I ended it ... we were best friends for two years ... totally platonic ... find out this fall, that he is thinking about seperating from his wife if he can get custody of the children (I am not in the picture at all romantically at this point, but know we are strongly attracted to each other, and know this has nothing to do with me) .... we have a disagreement in the fall ...I was trying to push him away because I knew we were in the danger zone ... didn't speak until January ... he called me ...

 

... we saw each other, and all of the emotions started coming out ... we were both confused over how much time we had been spending with each other, didn't know what it all meant, and just ignored it ... things came to a head in Feb ... the R intensifed ... the "line" was crossed ...

 

... I freaked out ... this is why I pushed him away in the first place .. knew we were in the "danger" zone ... things went back and forth ... friendship, walks, talked .. .crossing the line, me freaking out and back .. .then at the end of March I broke it off ... he kept saying that we could still be friends, like we were before any of this happened (he wanted to keep me in his life and knew I wasn't going to continue a physcial affair) ... but I knew we couldn't ... we were both admittedly in love at this point, and you can't go back ... it had run it's course ...

 

... we don't see each other ... talk maybe 1-2x, I am determined to move forward (I love him so much and just don't see how I could come out of this without getting DESTROYED) ... he shows up at my doorstep last week .. because he just needed to see me ... nothing happened ... he just HAD to see me (I guess to make sure that I was real, and really still there) ... saw him for 20 mintutes ... we did kiss and hug .. .all of the emptions came out again ...

 

... .next day, I, of course, freak out ... I am very much in love with this person, but think he is kidding himself if he thinks we can be friends now .. know this will destroy me ... of course, he is not happy that I freak out (who would be ... but, on the other hand, if I were the type of woman who could and was used to handling this --- well that's not me) ... anyway, I have to be true to myself, and truthful about not being able to accept, nor wanting to "handle" it ... I refuse to walk on egg shells for fear of losing him or anyone else ... not going to deprive myself ...

 

... anyway ... I distracted him at work.... he gave into it because he cares about me .. dropped what he was doing ... of course, this is not healthy for either one of us ... he sees now why I said that we couldn't be friends ... he talked to a lawyer last week ... (again, their marital problems have nothing to do with me and started long before I came into the picture) ... would never tell me he is leaving her or ask me to wait ... and I would never wait anyway ... it's not me ...

 

... just have to let go of the friendship, which we both agreed to do .. can't have this drama in our lives ... just can't .... totally unproductive ... left him to sort out his issues or not, and he left me to sort out mine ...

 

... so, here we are ... I am, of course sad, because I love him ... I want to be happy in my life, and I want him to be happy in his .... letting go was the only choice for both of us ... part of me is hoping that he will come around one day free and clear ... but I am neither counting on it, nor am I expecting it ... too unhealthy ...

 

.. I am actively dating others ... and am determined to have a happy and stable life .. .period ... no drama, no BS with anyone ...

 

... so, does anyone have any input or advice ... of course, I am hurt, but not really confused ... I also don't think ... well I KNOW he didn't go out looking for this ... this just happened ... people are sometimes weak ... and sometimes we just fall in love ... it just happens ...

 

... think we are both handling this like adults ... but still wonder if any future with him is possible ... I was doing so well too!!! Right before I saw him again ... help

[White Flower]

Biffster, just hang in there. You sound like you have principles for yourself and you know you don't want to compromise that. Hang in there, try to go NC if you really feel you can't do this. You've already made up your mind you just need to follow through. Keep posting here and we will encourage you.

[biffster]

Thank you WF!!! I am in no contact now ... and intend to stay there ... it's not like a forced thing ... I genuinely want nothing to do with this ... nothing! I already told him that we cannot be friends now ... and that is that ... We are already in love with each other ??? NOW what??? An out of control train wreck??? We all know that's the next step ... and we all know I will get ripped to shreds ... we all know it will take me a very long time to recover ...

 

... anyway ... I also genuinely know that I love this person ... and really can't help but wonder if there is a shot that he will get it together and eventually come for me again when his situation is resolved ... I know, I keep saying "whatever will be will be" and no one is fortune teller ...

 

... but, we left this knowing we were in love and being adults by letting each other go ... I just am looking for some insight as to weather or not things ever work out this way ...

 

... I also know that if I were to stay involved and Handle it ... things would never have a shot of working out favorably .. best case scenario, I would put myself in a position to get used while he sorts everything out ... like an apron or the maid ... I would lose all respect for myself ... and in the end we would walk away hating each other ... actually, or he might feel sorry for me .. how f'ing pathetic would that be???

 

I am just saying, if I wanted a shot at this working at some point (which I do now, but that may change in time) ... was this the best way of handling it? Granted, I am not handling it this way for that reason ... I am handling it this way because I respect myself and want a nice life ... I will not wait for anybody or drag myself through the mud .. EVER ... but, I can't help but wonder ... do things have a greater liklihood of working because I cut it off before things got way out of control?

[White Flower]

Thank you WF!!! I am in no contact now ... and intend to stay there ... it's not like a forced thing ... I genuinely want nothing to do with this ... nothing! I already told him that we cannot be friends now ... and that is that ... We are already in love with each other ??? NOW what??? An out of control train wreck??? We all know that's the next step ... and we all know I will get ripped to shreds ... we all know it will take me a very long time to recover ...

 

... anyway ... I also genuinely know that I love this person ... and really can't help but wonder if there is a shot that he will get it together and eventually come for me again when his situation is resolved ... I know, I keep saying "whatever will be will be" and no one is fortune teller ...

 

... but, we left this knowing we were in love and being adults by letting each other go ... I just am looking for some insight as to weather or not things ever work out this way ...

 

... I also know that if I were to stay involved and Handle it ... things would never have a shot of working out favorably .. best case scenario, I would put myself in a position to get used while he sorts everything out ... like an apron or the maid ... I would lose all respect for myself ... and in the end we would walk away hating each other ... actually, or he might feel sorry for me .. how f'ing pathetic would that be???

 

I am just saying, if I wanted a shot at this working at some point (which I do now, but that may change in time) ... was this the best way of handling it? Granted, I am not handling it this way for that reason ... I am handling it this way because I respect myself and want a nice life ... I will not wait for anybody or drag myself through the mud .. EVER ... but, I can't help but wonder ... do things have a greater liklihood of working because I cut it off before things got way out of control?

It is hard for me to say for sure.

 

It sounds like you cannot go on partaking in an affair and it sounds like he might be the kind to leave from your original post (hope I read it right). If you cannot hold on and wait until that happens, then tell him you will be glad to start a relationship with him once he has the divorce papers in his hands.

 

If you go back now then it will be the yo-you effect you so often read about here at LS. Some people need to go through that before they finally call it quits for good (I think this might be me) and others know from the get-go (like you) that you just can't waste time doing that.

 

It sounds like he really loves you and if he hurts enough by your break-up then hopefully he will do what it takes to make you his full time.

 

Good luck biffster.

[biffster]

Thank you WF ... as you can tell ... I am very much in love and hurt right now .. I cannot do the yo/yo thing ... not only because it would kill me, and I cannot do that to myself ... but, because it would just destroy everything in the end anyway ... and turn it into this ugly mess beyond anyone's control ... like Frankenstein!!!!!

 

Why do you say he might be the type to leave? That is interesting to me ... why do you think that?

 

.. .Also, another reason why people go into yo/yo mode is because they keep trying to make it better ... after a certain point ... the situation has to change ... e.g., he gets divorced or you leave ... otherwise any love that you have will just deteriorate from all of the drama and back and forth until it is completely gone ...

 

People, I think also go into yo/yo mode because after a break-up ... they want to reunite again to prove to the other party that he should be with them because we are so great to be with ... and then, the pendulum swings back again, and on and on it goes until it all blows up ...

 

... on the other hand, if we let the MM know how much we love them, and move on as an act of kindness to ourselves and them ... there is nothing left to do ... we just must let it go and be confident that the positive memories we created before the break-up will linger on ... and that is the f-ing scary part!!!!!!!! Letting go ... and not knowing weather or not we could have done anything else ... but, the truth is, there is nothing for us to do ... no way ... it is their choice as to weather or not they want to end the marraige, regardless of us ... and it is our choice as to weather or not we want to be in the second fiddle position ...

 

... I am sorry ... but I could NEVER choose that!!! So, now it is up to them .. and if they are in front of us again, then we will have the same choice ...

 

... anyway ... sorry for going in circles here ... but I am interested in knowing why you think he is the type that would come back in the right way ... over the course of three months, we went back and forth twice ... and during two of those months I wasn't even talking to him ... one break up at the end of March ... and another one this week ... and that is it for me ... I was pretty emotional throughout the whole physcial affair part ... being happy, then miserable the next day ... I just don't know if I did too much damage during this period to ruin it for good ...

 

.. I knew that was a risk, but as I said earlier, walking on egg shells is a no win situation ... not only does it make us nuts, in not being true to ourselves ... but it makes us pathetic ... why? because people, both men and women ... can tell when someone is tiptoing around them and afraid to stand up for themselves by rocking the boat ... rocking the boat is good .. it means you have respect for yourself ...

 

anyway ... I am distraught ....

 

...why do you keep going back and forth and into yo/yo mode???? Please explain that to me as well ..... perhaps I can help you break that cycle ... I don't think it will do you any good and be counterproductive for your life and goals.....

[biffster]

Oh, one more thing ... I don't think I have to give him any ultimatum about divorce papers, etc... he knows I love him and would want to be with him ... and I know that he loves me and would want to give this a try ... he also knows that I am not going to have an affair with him ...

 

also, I love and respect him enough to want him to make the decisions concerning his life and marraige without me ... and on his own ... just like I wouldn't want him badgering into an affair, or continuing one ... I am sure he doesn't need me or anyone else telling him to do this or else ...

 

... he already knows by my actions of letting this be that there is a good shot he will lose me ... as I have made it perfectly clear that I was ending this because I needed to go on with my life ... he knows my life goals ... he knows what I want for my life ... He can only decide what he wants for him ... It's just not up to me ... not one little bit ... He also knows that I was upset about losing him ... he is a man ... a confident man ... at that ... if he doesn't want to lose me, then he won't ...

 

.... I am just not going to compromise my own life ... can't do that

[White Flower]

My story involves an emotional affair that crossed the line .. when it crossed the line, I ended it ... we were best friends for two years ... totally platonic ... find out this fall, that he is thinking about seperating from his wife if he can get custody of the children (I am not in the picture at all romantically at this point, but know we are strongly attracted to each other, and know this has nothing to do with me) .... we have a disagreement in the fall ...I was trying to push him away because I knew we were in the danger zone ... didn't speak until January ... he called me ...

 

we were both admittedly in love at this point, and you can't go back ... it had run it's course ...

 

... we don't see each other ... talk maybe 1-2x, I am determined to move forward (I love him so much and just don't see how I could come out of this without getting DESTROYED) ... he shows up at my doorstep last week .. because he just needed to see me ... nothing happened ... he just HAD to see me (I guess to make sure that I was real, and really still there) ... saw him for 20 mintutes ... we did kiss and hug .. .all of the emptions came out again ...

 

... anyway ... I distracted him at work.... he gave into it because he cares about me .. dropped what he was doing ... of course, this is not healthy for either one of us ... he sees now why I said that we couldn't be friends ... he talked to a lawyer last week ... (again, their marital problems have nothing to do with me and started long before I came into the picture)... just have to let go of the friendship, which we both agreed to do .. can't have this drama in our lives ... just can't .... totally unproductive ... left him to sort out his issues or not, and he left me to sort out mine ...

 

... think we are both handling this like adults ... but still wonder if any future with him is possible ... I was doing so well too!!! Right before I saw him again ... help

I condensed your post a little and highlighted what I saw that looked like he might end his marriage and be free.

 

It looks as though he was thinking about ending it long before you came along, but even if he ended for you you shouldn't feel bad about that.

 

He might just be doing her and the kids a favor by putting things right. She deserves to find someone who can love her fully and his kids deserve to see both their parents in happy relationships. Anyway, those bolded sentences are what made me think he might leave for you.

 

As for me, I'm no longer doing the yo-yo thing. I did for a couple of years and I couldn't take it anymore so recently ended it. I still love him dearly and believe he still loves me. I didn't want to go NC because for some people, me included, NC means forever and I didn't want to set myself up for a failure. He knows I don't want to be a secret, second fiddle, etc., and that is why I ended it.

 

But you seem fixed and ready for it to be over. I hope you can hang in there and follow your goals. I think the dating thing is good for you. I'm not there yet, it scares me to death.

[biffster]

Well thank again WF ... you do have a point ... he did also tell me that I can't even think as if he is leaving ...why? because he said he didn't want to keep me in any waiting pattern .. .to which I replied, correctly, I wouldn't do that to myself anyway .. which I wouldn't .. which is why I ended it ... to which he agreed.

 

I am so happy you are no longer doing the yo/yo thing .. my yo/you episode lasted for less than two months .. and that was enough for me!

 

It is truly difficult to leave someone you love, and to have faith in the universe, and in your love, that things will work out ... if you love something set it free, if it comes back it was yours, if it doesn't it never was ... well, that sounds all great ... but come on! That is a scary one! That is why it is so difficult to let go .. we never know what will be!

 

I always try to do the right thing for myself ... based on how I am feeling ... and if something is stressing me out too much, I get rid of it ... it doesn't mean that I don't get completely freaked out in letting something go that I am afraid to lose ... it's just that ... I don't want to put myself through the emotional strain ... I have also read up a lot on humanity and the human condition ... and the results are consistent: When we attach ourselves to the outcome, and don't listen to our inner voice (which quiety tells us we are in the danger zone by staying in a situation that keeps us up crying all night) ... when we hold on with white knuckles ... we end up driving the outcome we wanted away .... we are unable to relax and flow with the situation ... and this contorts things and makes them unattainable ... however, if we listen to our inner voice, and what we know is right ... It's light jumping out of a plane with a parachute!!! We are liberated!! That first jump is truly scary ... and the free fall is really scary ... but then that chute opens and we can drift peacefully through the sky and enjoy the view ...

 

... same thing here .. and even though it took you two years to end the yo/yo cycle, it's better late than never ... and if you are not ready to do NC, that is OK too ... part of this process is realizing the you have to be gentle with yourself ... very gentle ... through each experience we get stronger and stronger ... and more confident ... hence, it is more likely that we will then listen to our inner voice ... as we gain more confidence, that inner voice becomes louder and louder ... until we can't ignore it, and it becomes the only voice we listen to ... the one we know won't steer us wrong ... and we start to listen to it automatically .. to trust our instints, and our gut ... to KNOW what's right for us and to follow the path of least resistance ... the path that is least likely to hurt us and compromise our values.

 

When we are fully evolved, and at this higher level of consciousness, the fear goes away - we not only do what is right for us in every situation, but we trust in the outcome ... and we trust that whatever the outcome ... it will be for our highest good.

 

Hate to sound so philosophical, but that's how I see it ... I am at the level where I naturally let my inner voice guide me in the right direction ... I listen to it .. and follow it despite the fear ... I am not, however, at the level where I don't have the fear ... and I am not at the level, where I have faith in the outcome ... I am, however, at the level where I know that I can't control everything ... and the tighter I hold onto the outcome, the least likely it is that I will achieve it ...

 

... I have learned that you can't control the outcome when it involves someone else .. and their path ... anyway ... so conquering the fear is my next goal ... I made it this far ... being able to jump out of the plane .. but I have more work to do ...

 

... In time, you will want no contact unless he comes back in the right way ... you will cut it off completely despite your fear that he may never return ...

 

... as for dating .. you should really get out there and try .. at least give yourself a chance to see what else is out there ... I know it is too scary for you ... and, it is scary! I have had 5 dates (with different people) in the past three months ... just went with an open mind and enjoyed them ... earlier this year ... in October/November, is when I really started dating actively ... at first is was miserable ... next, next, next ... and now it is just part of what I do ...

 

.. not only was I like next, next, next ... but I was uncomfortable about the dates, but forced myself to go ... now, 6 months later ... I date with no discomfort at all ... and I am every open to and excited about exploring what could be out there for me ... my point is ... this takes time ... and in time you too will be ready to at least start dating ...

 

... now, that you have gotten out of the yo/yo situation ... you will become more and more comfotable with yourself as time goes by ... and then you want to go out and date .. but it's not something that you can force upon yourself ...

 

... just treat yourself as you would a small child .... be very gentle and kind, and do positive and uplifting things ...

 

.. I am very sorry that you have gone through this ... it's a bitch of a situation ... which is why I try to bend over backwards to discourage anyone from even going there ...

 

... I hope everything works out for you ...

[White Flower]

Thanks biffster. You ARE such a philosopher! I am glad that you are putting energy back into yourself and what is right for you.

 

Big hugs and keep in touch:)

[biffster]

I shall! And, you too .. Please be well

[LucreziaBorgia]

I can answer as a former serial cheat. Its clear to me what is going on - he wants to keep you in his life, but he doesn't want all the 'freaking out' that comes along with crossing the line. He is trying to uncross the line, stop your freaking out, and go back to the point where it was enjoyable for him and not stressful.

 

The solution? The best for you both is NC.

 

I can understand the situation - I walked away from more than a couple of OM who made things more complicated than they needed to be - even when I didn't really want to.

[shakenandstirred]

As a MM that (and I regret everytime I write this) cheated on his wife:sick: He will probably never leave his wife. Even if he does he will always be in contact because of the kids. He even told you that he may not be leaving his wife. You may be in love with him, but you know that this is wrong, thats why you broke it off. You did the right thing. You are going through withdrawal. It's like you were a crack addict and you quit cold turkey. You still desire it, but you know it's bad for you.Just like staying away from the drug will cause you do go into withdrawal, the same thing is happening with this MM. When you fall in love or are infatuated with someone, chemicals are released in the brain. Same chemical reaction that makes you feel good if you did drugs. Therefore parting from that person or that drug causes you withdrawal. NC and time will only cure this. Doing things to reprogram your mind to not focus on this love thing that will only cause you stress. Go exercise, like punching a bag or running on a treadmill. Go shopping or anything. These dates you go on may or may not be good. You may be wishing you were on a date with him. Go do things you would normally do by yourself or a girlfriend. But by all means stay NC with him. he probably will never leave his wife. They rarely do. Unless the wife finds out and decides to divorce him. She will find out though. Affairs have a way of exposing themselves. And yes...you were/are having an affair. First emotional and now physical. NC is the best way

[White Flower]

As a MM that (and I regret everytime I write this) cheated on his wife:sick: He will probably never leave his wife.

Shaken, are you currently a MM involved in an A?

[shakenandstirred]

Shaken, are you currently a MM involved in an A?

 

No, my affair ended nearly seven years ago. I have been faithful ever since

[biffster]

LB -- tough Sh*T about my freaking out! He is in love with me, and I am in love with him ... I told him we couldn't see each other anymore because of this ... I cannot handle and affair, which is why I ended .. told him we couldn't even be "friends" because of the way we felt for each other ...

 

... Of course, I am going to freak out .. I didn't want to be in that position ... and have no desire to handle it and play the happy OW that is some man's respite ... I will not live my life walking on egg shells ... I am true to myself and how I feel ... my freaking out was my inner voice screaming at the top of its lungs "DON"T DO THIS... THIS IS NOT THE KIND OF LIFE YOU WANT" ...

 

,... and btw, my "freaking" out entailed crying .. BFD! Of course he can't handle it ... and neither can I ... and that is the entire point ... this was BS, and neither of us should be in a situation like this... last think I am going to do is eat myself alive trying not to rock the boat so he doesn't leave me ...I told him I was not doing this anymore and moving on with my life ... because I love myself and him ...

 

I have no desire to learn the tactics of how to successfully stay involved with a married man -- NONE...

 

.. I was NC, and everything got screwed up when HE RANDOMLY showed up on my doorstep ... unanncounced! You better believe it upset the hell out of me!!!! I was doing so well ... the past two month ... it was no longer on the forefront of my brain ... then WHAM! Truth is, I love him and always will and this is not about learning how to get him to stay with me, or getting someone to leave their wife for me ... it's about my life and how I don't want this ...

 

Shaken - you are correct ... this is like coming off of a drug ... his marraige was/is in trouble before we even met ... whatever choices he makes for his life are his - have nothing to do with me ... and like me, the last thing he needs right now is some affair shaking things up even more! Like I said ... I am not the happy little mistress type ... didn;t go out looking for this at all ... No way do I feel that my purpose in life is to be all happy and carefree when I am dying inside so that someone will want to be with me ...YUCH! How pathetic! Now, at least, he understands that we can't even be friends ..... this friendship crossed the line, has run its course, we are both in love ... that it's ... end! All downhill from here ...

 

And, btw, the "freaking out" was not the major theme to all of this ... 95% of it was bliss ... when the freak out starts ... it's your inner voice telling you to get away ...

 

... So, now ... I will go on living my life, and he will go on living his ... and if I truly love him ... if he ever came back to me in the proper form ... I would want to be with him ... and, if he stays in the marraige, well ... whatever will be will be ... that is truly how I feel right now ... I am still going to keep living my life regardless ... I want very much to have a happy and healthy life ... if he chooses that for himself ... then perhaps we have a chance down the road .. who knows ... and if he doesn't, then we never will ... regardless of if he stays ... I will not be stuck in a miserable marraige, and I still have a chance to find someone who is right for me, and who I can build a life with ... I can only make the choices that are mine to make ... i clearly understand that ... which is why I decided to disengage from something that was killing me ...

 

.. .and, just for the record, this man is no serial cheater ... neither one of us starting interacting with each other because we were looking for this ... there is a huge difference ... LB, if he were the serial cheater type .. I would never have been with him to begin with ... we were friends for far too long .... and if anyone disposes of me for being myself because I feel a certain way .. tough sh*T for them ... let them go out and find some desperate jack ass willing to walk on eggs shells, or some woman who is totally OK with this .. not me ... and would never pretend to be anything but me ... ever.

 

Also - Shaken ... thank you very much for your input .. think you are right about putting the dating on hold ... went out walking with my girfriend today and yesterday ... went running last night too ... totally laying low right now and getting myself back on track ... I was making so much progress before he just showed up!! Oh, well ... hopefully that won't happen again .. I was doing great with the NC ... not even forced ... as I said earlier ... I so much don't want to live like this ... the NC is natural for me (except, of course, for the day after he just showed up -- all of these emotions came pouring out of me the next day ... ) ... OK, so I was set off course for a bit ... just have to pick myself up again and get back on track!