Have I lost my man card?

[ktmrider]

My wife and I have had issues for the past 4-5 years since we got married but we've been together for about 17 years.

 

Her biggest complaint of me is that I don't show her enough attention. She said that she doesn't feel loved. The irony of this is that we are compatible with each other in everything else. We don't have kids although she loves to have kids. Our marital issue is the reason we don't have kids yet. My dream is to have children with her though.

 

So here is the problem.....she has another man on the side. I don't know to what extent but she does have a private phone that she uses to talk to him. She doesn't know I know this but she will soon. I just txt-ed him to get his home address. He replied thinking that it was from hers. I mapquest his address and he's about 10 miles from our home and her work. I have no idea the extent but some of the txt mgs were "ily","I miss you. Ilove you", etc...

 

She knows that I know about this guy but her take was:

- he can't help it that he fell in love with her

- he fell in love with her before knowing that she was married

- he loves me....I love you like family... (oh thanks!)

- she also admitted that she's on the fence

 

I've told her that I will try to change but I really can't change much because I am who I am. I agree that I don't show affection enough but she knew that.

 

At this point, I feel so low because I know that she's living with me but her love is with the other guy. I wouldn't blame her is he decides to divorce me....I'm kinda expecting it given that fact that she told me that she loves him differently from the way she loves me.

 

I don't know if I have enough dignity or honor left in me to do something about it. But I feel that I'm getting stronger. I used to get panic attacks thinking about it but slowly it's getting better.

 

I really want to have kids with her and she's not getting any younger. If we don't resolve this, her window might be getting smaller for having children. I would rather let her go with him so that she can have kids with him than ruin both of our lives .....just waiting for something to happen...

 

 

I think I know what to do but just want to get comments from you folks.

[BiAxident]

Your dream is to have children with her, yet you are prepared to let her do it with another man? I fail to see how this is a matter of dignity or honor. It should be a matter of desire for you to fulfill your life's dream! She's not getting any younger.. and neither are you! If your dream is to have children with this women, you need to get both of you into therapy, A.S.A.P!

[ktmrider]

I've tried but she doesn't believe in therapy. It's basically I'm not living up to her expectations. The one thing that she needs the most I'm not able to fulfill it. It comes easy for other guys but it's hard for me to show affection. I've tried but I'm just not that type and that's the reason she seeks it from the OG.

 

For me to change would be to ask me to change into another person. She knows who I am so essentially, she is growing out of love for me......

But I do love her. And she knows it. She just needs more and I can't give it to her.

I think I know what needs to happen.

I'm going to have to man up and basically face the reality of the situation.

She's on the fence about this and is not sure what is the right thing to do. Picking the right one is a 50/50 chance. I just can't wait like this. I'm sleeping in the same bed with her but also thinking that she may be thinking about the other guy too.

Heck, the rare ocassion we make love, I wonder if she's imagining of the other guy. That would totally suck.

 

I feel like I'm living in dante's inferno...neither here nor there....

 

I guess the OG wins.

[Chrome Barracuda]

LIFE IS WHAT YOU MAKE IT!!!!

 

YOUR ALLOWING THIS TO HAPPEN WHICH YOU SHOULDNT!

 

Start putting your foot down you should not be afraid to lose her, she should be afraid to lose you!

[BiAxident]

The one thing that she needs the most I'm not able to fulfill it. I've tried but I'm just not that type and that's the reason she seeks it from the OG. She just needs more and I can't give it to her.

 

While I'm sorry that you find yourself in this situation, it seems clear that you have already made your decision. I'm sorry that you've decided to give up on your "dream" so easily. IMHO, giving the person you love signs of affection isn't the result of being a certain "type" of person, it's the result of being human!

 

I can only assume that you have some deep seeded psychological issues which are blocking you from displaying signs of emotional affection. If you want a relationship, with this woman or otherwise, you need to get some professional help.

 

If she's still on the fence, I would think there is still a chance you can make it work. However, if you are simply going to take the attitude that "I cant.." or "I'm not.." then you're right, the OG has already won. You might as well start stocking up on your favorite booze now, you're going to have a lonely holiday season.

[Chrome Barracuda]

While I'm sorry that you find yourself in this situation, it seems clear that you have already made your decision. I'm sorry that you've decided to give up on your "dream" so easily. IMHO, giving the person you love signs of affection isn't the result of being a certain "type" of person, it's the result of being human!

 

I can only assume that you have some deep seeded psychological issues which are blocking you from displaying signs of emotional affection. If you want a relationship, with this woman or otherwise, you need to get some professional help.

 

If she's still on the fence, I would think there is still a chance you can make it work. However, if you are simply going to take the attitude that "I cant.." or "I'm not.." then you're right, the OG has already won. You might as well start stocking up on your favorite booze now, you're going to have a lonely holiday season.

 

C'mon man he needs positive reinforcement. I sense he's depressed by reading what he wrote.

 

He needs a foot in his ass. K where's your anger?? Your wife is screwing someone else. And blaiming you!!!!

 

Where's your fire!

[Woggle]

Divorce her and find another woman who can treat you right. It's not like she is the only woman in the world capable of producing children so why are you wasting your time on this no good witch.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Divorce her and find another woman who can treat you right. It's not like she is the only woman in the world capable of producing children so why are you wasting your time on this no good witch.

 

I so agree.

 

Believe this now, without kids she's cheating on you, and if you do get her pregnant she may cheat on you again, and this time drag you through a messy child custody case. This is not a woman who is mother material.

 

I would suggest fixing things but she's sounds so selfish and self centered and your feeling beat up, and to top it off she has an affair on you which is more emasculating!

 

Just divorce her and walk away.

 

There are better woman who will make great mothers and companions for you.

 

Having a baby with a woman like this could be a great mistake. Now your seeing her true colors would you get her pregnant seeing this woman now that stands before you?

 

I dont think so.

 

Find your heart, grab your nuts and either get your marriage right or bounce, there's no reason to be a matyr for her!!!

[ktmrider]

I just need to find the balls to go through with this. Walking away from a 16-17 years relationship is very hard considering I still love her the same way since I met her in college.

 

I just don't get it. I'm the same person I was when we met in college. Heck, I'm a better person now but she expects me to change to something that I'm not.

 

I have a hard time showing her affection but I really love her. I just don't meet her expectations.

 

I hope I grow some balls tomorrow.

[Nomad1]

You already have the balls! All you have to do is use them. Don't delay the inevitable. She is sleeping with the other guy because she wants to. I am sure that if you were the most affectionate guy in the world, she would still do it. There are some people who are simply that way inclined! I was in a marriage for 17yrs too. Once she started an emotional Affair with OM, I started the divorce. We have 3 kids. I am much better off now. I now have a nice woman friend who has exceeded my expectations from a woman in every which way. My life is far less stressful and I am a much better person/father too. So don't think twice! Be decisive and end the nightmare. You deserve better!

 

Good luck

 

Nomad

[mystic_pizza]

I just need to find the balls to go through with this. Walking away from a 16-17 years relationship is very hard considering I still love her the same way since I met her in college.

 

I just don't get it. I'm the same person I was when we met in college. Heck, I'm a better person now but she expects me to change to something that I'm not.

 

I have a hard time showing her affection but I really love her. I just don't meet her expectations.

 

I hope I grow some balls tomorrow.

 

The problem you are describing is a problem that many men and women face when they get married. During the dating and courting period men are afraid of committment and during the marriage women are afraid. The problem is that many people try to force their expectations upon each other after they marry instead of trying to understand and respect one another as different and as individuals.

 

I just read a good book about how the male and female brain are different chemically and once couples are able to understand the differences their marriage has a fighting chance. The title, if you are interested is What Could He Be Thinking by Michael Gurian. If you are interested in trying to save your marriage read the book and share it with your wife. It will not only give you a better understanding of how male and females are different it will give you an opportunity to open the lines of communication between the two of you. It may not be enough to save your marriage, but it will at least give you a different perspective for the future.

[Curmudgeon]

So here is the problem.....she has another man on the side. I don't know to what extent but she does have a private phone that she uses to talk to him.

 

This is NOT the only problem. The other problem is that you're ambivalent about how you should react or whether you should react at all.

 

You man card may well be in jeopardy. What would your reaction have been a decade qand am half ago if someone told you that your relationship menu would include an entree of marriage with a side of other man? Would you have left a tip?

 

The extent doesn't matter. Even a pinch or a dash can ruin the recipe.

[sumdude]

You haven't lost it but you have misplaced it...

 

OK... some tough love here...

 

You're marriage is 99% over already.

 

Whever you may have done to contribute to it's demise is nothing compared to the absolute disrespect your wife has for you and the marriage right now.

 

At this point you are being used.

 

Ask yourself

 

"Can I possibly live like this any longer?"

"Why am i putting up with this at all?"

"How long has this been going on and is it the first time?"

"Even if somehow this gets fixed, she stops seeing the other man and the marriage continues. Will I ever be able to trust her again?"

 

If she already has her secret phone the relationship with this guy is probably serious and ongoing.

 

You already know the answers don't you...

[Gunny376]

Her saying sying your not affectionate enough ~ or that you don't show enough emotion is just her excuse to have an affair. Were it not that it would be some other lame ass excuse ~ you don't take out the trash ~ you didn't buy her a puppy for her birthday, whatever.

 

The only differenc between your marriage and the Titantic is the Titantic had a band playing as she went down.

 

Wake up, she's using you and playing you while she develops and sees if the relationship with the OM is going to fan out. You might as well just tell her to move the SOB in and do his laundry as well.

 

I realize the two of you have been together a long time ~ but apparently that doesn't mean spit to her.

 

Really the only choice you have is to man-up and tell her to choose ~ either us or him, and if she cannot make her mind up instantly? Lay the divorce papers (previously already drawn up) in her hands and tell her to get to packing (or better yet get to packing her things for her)

 

Better to be single, alone and happy by your lonesome than married and miserable!

[ktmrider]

don't give up on me yet...

 

I just can't rush into it. These things need time to play itself out. But I'm much stronger now than yesterday. Thinking about this before would give me a panic attach but I don't have it today. My head is clear today.

 

Will update soon....wish me luck.

[Untouchable_Fire]

don't give up on me yet...

I just can't rush into it. These things need time to play itself out. But I'm much stronger now than yesterday. Thinking about this before would give me a panic attach but I don't have it today. My head is clear today.

Will update soon....wish me luck.

 

You don't need luck! You just need to assert yourself.

 

I would suggest finding a woman that won't do this to you... before you have kids with her.

[ktmrider]

Well, I did two things last nite.

 

First, I was able find out where the OG lives and went over to have a talk with the guy. There was no intent to get into a fist fight or anything. I just wanted to meet this guy and just see what I can find out. He and I talked....well..mostly me. He told me that she and him tried not to talk to each and let her work out our problems. He told me that he loves her and that "they have a special thing going". I asked him they'd had physical relations but he refused to answer me and told me that I should talk to my wife about that. Basiclly, I would assume a non answer is a "yes". I told him that I'm not going to let this continue to go on anymore. I just left at that point.

 

When she came home, she was shocked to find out that I met the OG and that I knew about the secret phone and txt massges. I basically told her that I'm not going to be humiliated anymore. I still love her but she has to decided which person she wants to be with.

 

By meeting the OG, I am now a stronger person. I don't know why.

I'm expecting the worse but hopes for the best. She cried and cried and didn't go in to work today.

 

I told her that it's going to be alright. Things will be okay for both of us regardless of what happens in the future. She said "so all of this is for nothing"....I have no idea....what that means.

I think I caught her off guard with this.

I told her that we should not do anything rash now and not act on emotion. This has been going on for a few years so another weeks or months is not going to do anything.

 

I told her that I still plan to go on vacation with her in a couple of weeks though. it's either going to be a rebuild vacation or our last vacation together. I'm just going to make the best of it. I told her that I don't regret being with her. I has been the best years of my life until recently.

 

We don't hate each other at all.

I held her until she fell asleep since she had only 2 hours of sleep the night before working at her new resaurant (she's part owner).

 

The next two weeks we have family vacations so I;m just going to put on the best face for the family. We will deal with it in a few weeks.

 

My highschool girlfriend (my good friend) told me not to hold me breath.

She's been in two failed marriages. She told me that all men are not perfect and that a woman just need to find the best one possible and just deal with the imperfections. She tells me that my wife is out of her mind wanting the perfect marriage.

 

to be continued....

[Untouchable_Fire]

My highschool girlfriend (my good friend) told me not to hold me breath.She's been in two failed marriages. She told me that all men are not perfect and that a woman just need to find the best one possible and just deal with the imperfections. She tells me that my wife is out of her mind wanting the perfect marriage.

 

to be continued....

 

Your wife is, out of her mind. I think this is a small mistake letting her make the choice. She will drag her feet as long as she can... so make her stick to your timeline!

 

Honestly, I think you should put some thought to it... and even if she decides to make things work with you... dump her anyway. She seems too sneaky and deceptive.

 

BTW.... by starting to stand up for yourself... and not acting like a needy little wimp. I think you get your Man Card back! Congratulations!

[sumdude]

A good start... the only thing I might add is that you may be sending mixed signals.

 

You won't be humiliated anymore .. yet you say.

 

I told her that we should not do anything rash now and not act on emotion. This has been going on for a few years so another weeks or months is not going to do anything.

 

There is no way to not act on emotion in matters of the heart.

 

Weeks..months? C'mon.. you have to draw a line in the sand somewhere and be firm. This seems slightly ambivalent and almost like you're condoning it 'for a while longer'.

 

Just my 2 cents...

[Mr. Lucky]

I told her that I still plan to go on vacation with her in a couple of weeks though. it's either going to be a rebuild vacation or our last vacation together. I'm just going to make the best of it. I told her that I don't regret being with her. I has been the best years of my life until recently.

This makes no sense to me at all. You're wife is involved in a full-blown PA with another man and you're going on a family vacation with her? To share the same bedroom? To share the same bed? To...?

 

Have you thought about the possibility of STD's? If your intention is to try the "Hail Mary" to keep your marriage intact, the trip is a bad idea for two reasons. One, it allows her to stay in the comfort zone of your relationship while she dips her toe in another's gene pool. And two, if you want to end her A with the OG, you should "out" her infidelity to family and friends. Pretending all is good on a family vacation just allows her to continue to play both sides - after 17 years, do you want to be her back-up plan?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Chrome Barracuda]

Your doing good!

 

First thing is now that you know who the OM is, get stone cold proof and expose the affair. It doesnt end unless it does on your part. It's not about shaming your wife, it's about telling the truth.

 

Next cancel the vacation, she should not be enjoying anything that comes outta your pocket, now is not the time for her to splurge off of your dime. She needs to be serious about where this marriage is headed. Either without the OM and rebuilding or she can get out, dont waste time on stupid crap.

 

Next do a 180, I mean you need to not be so needy, get a life and have your own hobbies, if she decides to be with this OM out of embarrasment, it probably wont last long. He already knows that you know. imagine if everytime he sees you he knows he's scum. Some dudes that willingly be the OM are punks anyways. They delude themselves thinking she's gonna be faithful to me, lok at stampdaddy and cagney's posts. (not to say that these guys are punks but they was deluded thinking she would leave until they woke up!)

 

Next is basically know where you stand and who you are. I think you have to know your priorities, this woman who cheats in this marriage will not make good mother material!!!

 

Let her know that if she leaves, she leaves with nothing. Why waste time with a woman who cannot be faithful to you, does your future kids deserve that? No.

 

In all actuality you should divorce her on principle alone. early marriage, infidelity, no kids? Why the **** should you stay? Expose, kick her out and let the OM have her and move on. She might not be worth it anyways.

 

Do not be nice to her, be cordial and friendly but keep your heart locked up. poker face this chick.

[TrustInYourself]

That's too bad. A marriage can survive if both people are willing to work on it. I'd also like to applaud how well you've handled your situation. I'm impressed to see how you met the other man and stood up to your wife and the OM. Anger and jealousy can make you say and do things you may regret. It sounds like you are taking everything as well as can be expected and you should be proud of that.

 

I agree with the others who said that your wife is going to drag her feet. It sounds like she still loves you. If you continue to be supportive, then you are enabling her attachment to both yourself and the OM. You need to take action.

 

Affairs make working on the issues that are in the marriage, that much harder to solve. It's up to you if you want to put the effort in to repair something that can never be the same.

 

Sometimes, change is a great thing. Follow your heart and best wishes.

[ktmrider]

Right now, I can see clearly than at any other times in the past couple of years. I know that I'm not going to compete with the other guy. I've told it's either him or me. This is not over yet. It's going to take a couple of weeks.

 

I know exactly what I need to do to rebuild this marriage. The hard part is on hers. She's going to have to decided if she wants to rebuild this relationship or not. I'm going to take the optimistic approach but with caution. That is, for her to have total complete 100% no contact with the other guy. This is the only way she will regain my trust again. Also, I can deal with the physical aspect of her affair but I will not handle the mental and emotion betrayal from her. I was more heart broken when she admitted to me that she love the guy too. This will have to change if the marriage can be saved and rebuilt. So how do I make sure that there will be no contact with the other guy? If I have to, I will put her on surveillance at times. This should be the easier part. For the 2nd requirement, how do I know that she's over the other guy? This is kinda easy too. Being with her for the last 16-17 years, I can tell when she's happy or when she's not. It's such an easy sign. If she's happy being with me, it's going to show. It's also going to show in the bedroom.

 

For my part, I'm going to a better husband and be sensitive to her emotion needs. I know there are things that I need to work on like getting off the damn computer and just talk toher when she gets home from work. I tend to do this....

 

..and just be more loving to her.... since my greatest problem is showing her that I love her. She knows I do things for her but she always tell me that she needs that occasional hugs and kisses...and just holding hands.

 

Can I handle the situation where she may have some feelings for this guy? Is this acceptable or completely not? I dont know at this point. But my feeling right now is that if she still has feelings for this guy, then she's not completely happy and satisfied with me. That's the only reason that i can come up with if she still has feelings for this guy if we do decided to rebuild this marriage.

 

I can forgive the sexual affair but it's going to be very hard to forget it. Is it normal? Can time heal this?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Affairs make working on the issues that are in the marriage, that much harder to solve. It's up to you if you want to put the effort in to repair something that can never be the same.

 

Sometimes, change is a great thing. Follow your heart and best wishes.

[Chrome Barracuda]

You are on the right track KTM.

 

For a guy who was feeling down and sounding depressed I see someone else who's emerging from his shell in a short time.

 

I'm glad we couyld help, but just remember this affair is an addction for her that will not be easy to break, she will go through withdrawls, this OM will pester you guys, he could possibly harass you, hurt you.

[TrustInYourself]

Right now, I can see clearly than at any other times in the past couple of years. I know that I'm not going to compete with the other guy. I've told it's either him or me. This is not over yet. It's going to take a couple of weeks.

 

I know exactly what I need to do to rebuild this marriage. The hard part is on hers. She's going to have to decided if she wants to rebuild this relationship or not. I'm going to take the optimistic approach but with caution. That is, for her to have total complete 100% no contact with the other guy. This is the only way she will regain my trust again. Also, I can deal with the physical aspect of her affair but I will not handle the mental and emotion betrayal from her. I was more heart broken when she admitted to me that she love the guy too. This will have to change if the marriage can be saved and rebuilt. So how do I make sure that there will be no contact with the other guy? If I have to, I will put her on surveillance at times. This should be the easier part. For the 2nd requirement, how do I know that she's over the other guy? This is kinda easy too. Being with her for the last 16-17 years, I can tell when she's happy or when she's not. It's such an easy sign. If she's happy being with me, it's going to show. It's also going to show in the bedroom.

 

For my part, I'm going to a better husband and be sensitive to her emotion needs. I know there are things that I need to work on like getting off the damn computer and just talk toher when she gets home from work. I tend to do this....

 

..and just be more loving to her.... since my greatest problem is showing her that I love her. She knows I do things for her but she always tell me that she needs that occasional hugs and kisses...and just holding hands.

 

Can I handle the situation where she may have some feelings for this guy? Is this acceptable or completely not? I dont know at this point. But my feeling right now is that if she still has feelings for this guy, then she's not completely happy and satisfied with me. That's the only reason that i can come up with if she still has feelings for this guy if we do decided to rebuild this marriage.

 

I can forgive the sexual affair but it's going to be very hard to forget it. Is it normal? Can time heal this?

 

Yeah, you are exactly right. You know the changes that have to happen on your part. Take charge and make them happen. Rise out of this situation like a phoenix from the ashes.

 

I think your approach to this situation so far has been exceptional. It's very rational and your decision making seems to be spot on. Just be ready for the intangibles. Your wife has the emotional connection to the other man. She's going to find it hard to resist him. It's up to her to decide if she wants to destroy that connection with the OM and rebuild it with you. It's going to be hard on both of you and I wish you the best.

 

Just keep reinforcing the fact that your wife is going to be saving your marriage or indulging in this affair. She needs to understand you are not going to compete or allow her to be with the OM. She needs to be 100% invested into making your marriage work.

 

Just be understanding and ready to work with her on your marriage. It's going to take two rational people who are willing to work on the relationship together. Your love is going to be put to the test. Are you ready for that?