happinessnow Posted June 1, 2008 Share Posted June 1, 2008 Hello all, I am in search of some advice. I find myself in love with a married woman. She has been married for 3 years (been with him for 8 years) with a man that does not treat her right, he has cheated on her, abused her physically and emotionally. He treats her badly and she has not been happy in her marriage for a long time. There are no kids involved. we are both in our high 20's. We started out as friends for 6 months and then we took a step forward. We have been romantically seeing each other for 4 months now. She tells me that she is happy when she is with me and that i have brought happiness back into her life. She tells me that she is trying very hard to leave him and that she wants to be with me and loves me fully. Recently he found out about me and she left and went to live with her parents. She stayed there for 2 weeks. And he asked her to come home, she says she is moving back in with him but only to get everything out in the open and find out why thier marriage broke up and that she is not going back to him to try to work things out and that her heart lies with me and only me. What do you think i should do? do you think i am being stringed along? is it reasonable for me to continue to wait? what should i say or do? Any advice would be great. Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted June 1, 2008 Share Posted June 1, 2008 Leave her alone she's married, and you can do better. Her husband may treat her like crap, but he's her husband! He's the one who's married to her and made his vows. Why would you want a woman who can cheat on her husband? Your not thinking clearly right now. You need to clear your head and if you guys have a relationship you should have one based on honesty and trust, not starting from lies and deceit. Her husband has every right to kick you azz. Stay away and let her make her own decisions without your influence. Link to post Share on other sites
OldEurope Posted June 1, 2008 Share Posted June 1, 2008 Her husband may treat her like crap, but he's her husband! He's the one who's married to her and made his vows. Oh, brother...brother...brother... Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted June 1, 2008 Share Posted June 1, 2008 Oh, brother...brother...brother... Okay maybe not the way I would have phrased it. But all in all you get the point. It's her husband, what right does this man have to interfere in that. Let her divorce on ehr own terms. without his influence or his presence like I said. And your right her husband doesnt need to be treating her badly but you know what. People who cheat make up lies about their spouse how does he know he's doing her dirty? What if they're all lies and he's the opposite. Are people really that naive to belive the things that the OW/OM say without hesitation? I wouldnt trust it, without seeing it for my own two eyes. And adultery and cheating is still wrong in my book reguardless. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted June 1, 2008 Share Posted June 1, 2008 I'd bet money that he didn't ask her to come home, she begged to come home. And the she had her out to be with you, did she take it? If her marriage was that bad, she was out of the house. All she had to do was stay out, she didn't. She isn't concerned about her H feelings or she wouldn't have been opening her legs for you. So here is the deal, you were a side piece, the two of you got busted, she made a choice, move on. And try to make sure you don't interject yourself into another relationship the next time.Good Luck. Link to post Share on other sites
frannie Posted June 1, 2008 Share Posted June 1, 2008 Hello all, I am in search of some advice. I find myself in love with a married woman. She has been married for 3 years (been with him for 8 years) with a man that does not treat her right, he has cheated on her, abused her physically and emotionally. He treats her badly and she has not been happy in her marriage for a long time. There are no kids involved. we are both in our high 20's. We started out as friends for 6 months and then we took a step forward. We have been romantically seeing each other for 4 months now. She tells me that she is happy when she is with me and that i have brought happiness back into her life. She tells me that she is trying very hard to leave him and that she wants to be with me and loves me fully. Recently he found out about me and she left and went to live with her parents. She stayed there for 2 weeks. And he asked her to come home, she says she is moving back in with him but only to get everything out in the open and find out why thier marriage broke up and that she is not going back to him to try to work things out and that her heart lies with me and only me. What do you think i should do? do you think i am being stringed along? is it reasonable for me to continue to wait? what should i say or do? Any advice would be great. Thank you. Words and actions. I'd believe in her actions here. The best thing you can do is to observe that she's moved back for whatever reason (she has no kids, so it's just about him and her), and take your cue from that. Perhaps at some point she'll wake up and leave of her own accord, but if you give the impression that you're waiting for her and supporting her, all you'll be is a dysfunctional crutch to whatever she has going for her there. If it makes you feel better, tell her you still want a future with her, and will be there if she ever finds the strength to leave. But that you have your own life to be getting on with and won't engage any longer. The rest, is up to her. additionally, read threads from ratingsguy, BKRPM, oh... someone help me out here, who are the other OM stories the OP should read..? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted June 1, 2008 Share Posted June 1, 2008 I am in search of some advice. I find myself in love with a married woman. She has been married for 3 years (been with him for 8 years) with a man that does not treat her right, he has cheated on her, abused her physically and emotionally. He treats her badly and she has not been happy in her marriage for a long time. There are no kids involved. we are both in our high 20's. People in abusive relationships - particularly ones of long standing - have usually internalised some of the abusive messages and are not in a position to think rationally or see straight. Often, they begin to think that they deserve the abuse, and find it difficult to live without it. You cannot save this woman from herself. She needs counselling, she needs to change the messages in her own mind and decide for herself that her H's behaviour is unacceptable. Only then will she be in a position to leave - really leave, emotionally and physically, and stay left. Only once she has left, and rebuilt her self-esteem, and "normalised" her perspectives on herself, men, relationships, etc will she be in a position to embark on a normal, healthy R. Only at that point should you consider getting involved. Otherwise, buy lots of tissues - you'll need them. Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted June 1, 2008 Share Posted June 1, 2008 additionally, read threads from ratingsguy, BKRPM, oh... someone help me out here, who are the other OM stories the OP should read..? Stampdaddy! Who could forget Stamp?:bunny: 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted June 1, 2008 Share Posted June 1, 2008 And he asked her to come home, she says she is moving back in with him but only to get everything out in the open and find out why thier marriage broke up and that she is not going back to him to try to work things out and that her heart lies with me and only me. If her heart was with you and only you, why would she care about why an abusive and unhappy marriage ended? If she is trying to figure things out like that, then some part of her heart is still with him and her marriage. That said, the thing to do is extricate yourself from this and move on with your life. Let her know that you are walking away, and that she is free to follow: as soon as she is divorced and living in separate residences. No divorce = no contact = no excuses. Link to post Share on other sites
Author happinessnow Posted June 1, 2008 Author Share Posted June 1, 2008 People in abusive relationships - particularly ones of long standing - have usually internalised some of the abusive messages and are not in a position to think rationally or see straight. Often, they begin to think that they deserve the abuse, and find it difficult to live without it. You cannot save this woman from herself. She needs counselling, she needs to change the messages in her own mind and decide for herself that her H's behaviour is unacceptable. Only then will she be in a position to leave - really leave, emotionally and physically, and stay left. Only once she has left, and rebuilt her self-esteem, and "normalised" her perspectives on herself, men, relationships, etc will she be in a position to embark on a normal, healthy R. Only at that point should you consider getting involved. Otherwise, buy lots of tissues - you'll need them. i believe you are right, she has been abused for years and years and he has crushed her emotionally. Sometimes when we are together she would cry and tell me that she can't make me happy. She has put up with years of her husband talking down to her and treating her like a slave pretty much and she thinks it is her fault. She blames herself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author happinessnow Posted June 1, 2008 Author Share Posted June 1, 2008 Okay maybe not the way I would have phrased it. But all in all you get the point. It's her husband, what right does this man have to interfere in that. Let her divorce on ehr own terms. without his influence or his presence like I said. And your right her husband doesnt need to be treating her badly but you know what. People who cheat make up lies about their spouse how does he know he's doing her dirty? What if they're all lies and he's the opposite. Are people really that naive to belive the things that the OW/OM say without hesitation? I wouldnt trust it, without seeing it for my own two eyes. And adultery and cheating is still wrong in my book reguardless. i know she is not lieing to me about him, i have talked to her best friend about it and it is all true. Her best friend is trying to help her leave him also, he is a horrible person. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 1, 2008 Share Posted June 1, 2008 Recently he found out about me and she left and went to live with her parents. She stayed there for 2 weeks. And he asked her to come home, she says she is moving back in with him but only to get everything out in the open and find out why thier marriage broke up and that she is not going back to him to try to work things out and that her heart lies with me and only me. If she really has been abused, why would she go back? Especially since he has found out about you, don't you think the abuse is only going to get worse? She was OUT of the house, staying at her mom's. Don't you find it odd that now she wants to give her marriage a chance, try to work it out? OR try to figure out their marriage is a bust? See, with you in the picture, you are THERE for her, she can have the stability of her home, and you on the side. This is a messy situation, even more so because of the abuse. I know you want to believe every word that is coming out of her mouth, maybe it isn't lies, but she more than likely has omitted certain truths to you and exaggerated other things as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Author happinessnow Posted June 1, 2008 Author Share Posted June 1, 2008 Words and actions. I'd believe in her actions here. The best thing you can do is to observe that she's moved back for whatever reason (she has no kids, so it's just about him and her), and take your cue from that. Perhaps at some point she'll wake up and leave of her own accord, but if you give the impression that you're waiting for her and supporting her, all you'll be is a dysfunctional crutch to whatever she has going for her there. If it makes you feel better, tell her you still want a future with her, and will be there if she ever finds the strength to leave. But that you have your own life to be getting on with and won't engage any longer. The rest, is up to her. additionally, read threads from ratingsguy, BKRPM, oh... someone help me out here, who are the other OM stories the OP should read..? I will search for threads from ratingsguy and bkrpm, thank you. I just dont see myself being able to just tell her i am leaving. If i tell her i am leaving she will blame herself for failing to make me happy and will fall back into deep depression. I feel that i am the only person keeping her going, i give her the love and support she needs. Link to post Share on other sites
Author happinessnow Posted June 1, 2008 Author Share Posted June 1, 2008 If she really has been abused, why would she go back? Especially since he has found out about you, don't you think the abuse is only going to get worse? She was OUT of the house, staying at her mom's. Don't you find it odd that now she wants to give her marriage a chance, try to work it out? OR try to figure out their marriage is a bust? See, with you in the picture, you are THERE for her, she can have the stability of her home, and you on the side. This is a messy situation, even more so because of the abuse. I know you want to believe every word that is coming out of her mouth, maybe it isn't lies, but she more than likely has omitted certain truths to you and exaggerated other things as well. she told me when she was going back that i needed to trust her and that she was doing this for us. That this was the last step so she could turn that last corner and leave him for good. She has always been truthful to me, she tells me everything. I do see your point thought, Maybe i should give myself a timeline? Give her 1 week or 2 weeks and then try my hardest to pull away? Maybe she will be strong enough to leave him if she knows i am not going to be there any longer. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 1, 2008 Share Posted June 1, 2008 Read stampdaddy as well. His breakup was quite recent. I just dont see myself being able to just tell her i am leaving. If i tell her i am leaving she will blame herself for failing to make me happy and will fall back into deep depression. I feel that i am the only person keeping her going, i give her the love and support she needs. See, her blaming herself if you break up with her IS manipulation. Hasn't it occured to her that what she is doing is wrong? She is married! Reguardless of the abuse, that isn't a justification for her to CHEAT on him. All the cheating is doing is adding MORE drama and confusion into her life, not making it better. If she falls into a depression, then what you can do is get her bestfriend to help her find a therapist to talk to. HER life is NOT your responsibility. YOU are not married to her, you can't be her be all and end all, you can't "save" her and make her the love of your life, especially since she is still married. I feel that i am the only person keeping her going, i give her the love and support she needs. You feel - You feel - You feel. But, that may not be the best thing for her. SHE is messed up because of the abuse and has very little self confidence. How do you expect her to leave her marriage and come running to you? Do you think that will be a happy and healthy, long lasting relationship? This woman HAS to do counselling and learn to be ON her own, be independant and not have a man "control" her. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 1, 2008 Share Posted June 1, 2008 she told me when she was going back that i needed to trust her and that she was doing this for us. Yeh, please read stampdaddy's situation. I will try to find you the links to his threads. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted June 1, 2008 Share Posted June 1, 2008 This is a hard one.. I guess you don't have much choice but to wait for a while and see where this goes. She might be confused.. It's a big move.. but I think she will make it eventually.. just give her some more time. But if she takes too long.. she might be stringing you along.. you WILL have a feeling she is playing you.. then you will need to make the painful decision.. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 1, 2008 Share Posted June 1, 2008 The first 3 are the most recent ones, but I suggest you read from the bottom up. There are more threads, if you want to read more, just click on his username and do the search all posts/threads by this user. Please take the time to really read and take it in what stamps has gone through. Hopefully his situation will open your eyes and make your realize that what's around the corner isn't worth the pain and suffering for many many months, possibly years. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t153082/ http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t147031/ http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t146344/ http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t145538/ http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t145230/ http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t141302/ http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t140599/ http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t138936/ Link to post Share on other sites
jon01 Posted June 1, 2008 Share Posted June 1, 2008 Leave her alone she's married, and you can do better. Her husband may treat her like crap, but he's her husband! He's the one who's married to her and made his vows. Why would you want a woman who can cheat on her husband? Your not thinking clearly right now. You need to clear your head and if you guys have a relationship you should have one based on honesty and trust, not starting from lies and deceit. Her husband has every right to kick you azz. Stay away and let her make her own decisions without your influence. I completely agree. She's a married woman and you have no business having feelings or getting involved with her. And yeah, her husband does have every right to be very angry where you are concerned. Link to post Share on other sites
jon01 Posted June 1, 2008 Share Posted June 1, 2008 she told me when she was going back that i needed to trust her and that she was doing this for us. That this was the last step so she could turn that last corner and leave him for good. She has always been truthful to me, she tells me everything. I do see your point thought, Maybe i should give myself a timeline? Give her 1 week or 2 weeks and then try my hardest to pull away? Maybe she will be strong enough to leave him if she knows i am not going to be there any longer. Dude, get your head straight -- your messing with another man's wife. Any which way you look at it, any reasoning you conjure up, it still doesn't change the fact you are doing something really wrong by stepping in between a husband and wife. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted June 1, 2008 Share Posted June 1, 2008 If her heart was with you and only you, why would she care about why an abusive and unhappy marriage ended? If she is trying to figure things out like that, then some part of her heart is still with him and her marriage. Abused people are not logical. They think they are to blame for the abuse. They think it is not only their fault, but their due. If she left, and felt that her H was unhappy without her, she'd feel that that was her fault too, and that she owed him some kind of better resolution, hoping to make peace with him so that they could part on better terms. Also, underlying that would likely be a hefty does of fear - that if she didn't return, he'd... (whatever the unspoken threats were - sometimes they're directed at the abused person themself, but more often at others, such as their children (thankfully none in this case), their families, their colleagues, friends... Abusers keep their victims in line not so much by the violence, but by the violence they threaten to commit). You might want to read up on Battered Person Syndrome - a bit like Stockholm Syndrome. It's pretty perverse to people on the outside, but for those in it, it's compelling. I'd support suggestions that you read Stamp's threads - he also tried to rescue an MW from an unhappy situation, and got bitten for his pains. Support her to seek help, and then leave her in the hands of professionals who can help her extricate herself from this if that's what she wants. Only once she's out of it will she be capable of a real R with you. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted June 1, 2008 Share Posted June 1, 2008 Dude, get your head straight -- your messing with another man's wife. Any which way you look at it, any reasoning you conjure up, it still doesn't change the fact you are doing something really wrong by stepping in between a husband and wife. So if you saw a man beating up on his wife in a shopping mall, you'd just walk away because hey, it's his wife? Link to post Share on other sites
jon01 Posted June 1, 2008 Share Posted June 1, 2008 So if you saw a man beating up on his wife in a shopping mall, you'd just walk away because hey, it's his wife? You know what I'm talking about, so let's not get silly with the analogies. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 1, 2008 Share Posted June 1, 2008 it still doesn't change the fact you are doing something really wrong by stepping in between a husband and wife. True, he is in the wrong, but in all honesty, the married woman is the one who is COMPLETELY wrong by stepping out of her marriage. You think that her seeking love and attention from another man is going to make her husband stop the abuse? If anything it is going to get worse! Talk about putting more drama into someone's life.. This woman is not making good choices and the first thing she needs to do is go to a woman's shelter or head back to her mom's place, seek counselling and stay away from the OM (the original poster) until her marriage is dissolved and she is ready and healthy enough to be in another relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jon01 Posted June 1, 2008 Share Posted June 1, 2008 True, he is in the wrong, but in all honesty, the married woman is the one who is COMPLETELY wrong by stepping out of her marriage. Yes, I totally agree with you there. Link to post Share on other sites
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