Falling for a married woman?

[OWoman]

You know what I'm talking about, so let's not get silly with the analogies.

 

It's not a "silly analogy" - for a guy in the OP's situation, that genuinely is what they think they are doing. They are rescuing the MW from being the abuse.

 

You might see it as stealing from another guy's snack pack; they're seeing it as a selfless rescue mission.

[happinessnow]

Read stampdaddy as well. His breakup was quite recent.

 

 

 

See, her blaming herself if you break up with her IS manipulation. Hasn't it occured to her that what she is doing is wrong? She is married! Reguardless of the abuse, that isn't a justification for her to CHEAT on him. All the cheating is doing is adding MORE drama and confusion into her life, not making it better.

 

If she falls into a depression, then what you can do is get her bestfriend to help her find a therapist to talk to. HER life is NOT your responsibility. YOU are not married to her, you can't be her be all and end all, you can't "save" her and make her the love of your life, especially since she is still married.

 

 

 

You feel - You feel - You feel. But, that may not be the best thing for her. SHE is messed up because of the abuse and has very little self confidence. How do you expect her to leave her marriage and come running to you? Do you think that will be a happy and healthy, long lasting relationship? This woman HAS to do counselling and learn to be ON her own, be independant and not have a man "control" her.

 

i know it is not my responsibility, but who else is going to do it? I love her so much and i hate to see her so upset and be treated so badly. I want her to be happy, i want her to live a happy life. Her husband has done her wrong in so many ways, she blames herself for the abuse, she thinks it is her fault and it is not, I am trying to make her realize that it is not her fault, she is a wonderful person and does not need to put up with it because she deserves to be happy also. i know she needs counciling, she needs help to open her eyes and realise what she is putting up with is not ok.

 

Does anyone know of a book i can buy her, she likes to read and i think it would help.

[happinessnow]

This is a hard one..

 

I guess you don't have much choice but to wait for a while and see where this goes.

 

She might be confused.. It's a big move.. but I think she will make it eventually.. just give her some more time.

 

But if she takes too long.. she might be stringing you along.. you WILL have a feeling she is playing you.. then you will need to make the painful decision..

 

 

She has told me its the biggest move of her life, that is it the hardest thing she will ever have to do. She was scared of what her parents would say, but yesterday her parents told her they will support her either way, if she stays with her H or leaves him. So i think we are going in the right direction, that was something that was bothering her alot, she wanted her families support.

[happinessnow]

Abused people are not logical. They think they are to blame for the abuse. They think it is not only their fault, but their due. If she left, and felt that her H was unhappy without her, she'd feel that that was her fault too, and that she owed him some kind of better resolution, hoping to make peace with him so that they could part on better terms. Also, underlying that would likely be a hefty does of fear - that if she didn't return, he'd... (whatever the unspoken threats were - sometimes they're directed at the abused person themself, but more often at others, such as their children (thankfully none in this case), their families, their colleagues, friends... Abusers keep their victims in line not so much by the violence, but by the violence they threaten to commit).

 

You might want to read up on Battered Person Syndrome - a bit like Stockholm Syndrome. It's pretty perverse to people on the outside, but for those in it, it's compelling.

 

I'd support suggestions that you read Stamp's threads - he also tried to rescue an MW from an unhappy situation, and got bitten for his pains. Support her to seek help, and then leave her in the hands of professionals who can help her extricate herself from this if that's what she wants.

 

Only once she's out of it will she be capable of a real R with you.

 

Good luck!

 

 

i believe she does have this issue. She does blame herself, she can't realise that it is not her fault that her husband treats her like this, cheats on her and abuses her. she feels like she made the marriage fail yet she did nothing wrong for the 8 years they have been together, all she did was put up with all his abuse and cheating. I know it looks like what i am doing is wrong, and inside i know it wasnt right to begin this. BUt it has happened and i love her with all my heart, she deserves to be happy, she has been so unhappy for so long, i am trying to help her find herself and stop blaming herself for everything. I know she loves me and she is trying to find her strength to face her husband.

 

For everyone telling me to just leave her alone, how am i supposed to turn my back on her if she can't help herself? knowing now everything that she has put up with and being unhappy. She deserves a happy life just like the rest of us. If i can't help her she will be stuck in this abusive unhappy life forever that is not what she deserves, she is a wonderful person.

 

Do you know of a book i can give her by chance?

 

I will be sitting down and reading stamps threads in a few.

[happinessnow]

I should mention that we also work together, we work in a pretty big building and on seperate floors.

[bentnotbroken]

i know it is not my responsibility, but who else is going to do it? I love her so much and i hate to see her so upset and be treated so badly. I want her to be happy, i want her to live a happy life. Her husband has done her wrong in so many ways, she blames herself for the abuse, she thinks it is her fault and it is not, I am trying to make her realize that it is not her fault, she is a wonderful person and does not need to put up with it because she deserves to be happy also. i know she needs counciling, she needs help to open her eyes and realise what she is putting up with is not ok.

 

Does anyone know of a book i can buy her, she likes to read and i think it would help.

 

 

 

How about you let her do it. She was out of the house. We aren't talking about her literally going under for the third time, she walked back into her house. She has no children, so what was her reasoning?

 

Give her the bible.

[happinessnow]

How about you let her do it. She was out of the house. We aren't talking about her literally going under for the third time, she walked back into her house. She has no children, so what was her reasoning?

 

Give her the bible.

 

her reasoning is basically that she feels she needs to end it. So she can end it emotionally and by letting him know that she doesn't love him and that she will not put up with his abuse any longer. She wants to come to me knowing that she found her strength and put a stop to her abuse. That she is making changes in her life for the better.

[whichwayisup]

i know it is not my responsibility, but who else is going to do it? I love her so much and i hate to see her so upset and be treated so badly. I want her to be happy, i want her to live a happy life. Her husband has done her wrong in so many ways, she blames herself for the abuse, she thinks it is her fault and it is not, I am trying to make her realize that it is not her fault, she is a wonderful person and does not need to put up with it because she deserves to be happy also. i know she needs counciling, she needs help to open her eyes and realise what she is putting up with is not ok.

 

Does anyone know of a book i can buy her, she likes to read and i think it would help.

 

Who else is going to do it? Her bestfriend, her family, her siblings... You cannot BE her therapist and her knight in shining armour. YOU are not her husband, or life partner. Sorry..

 

She has told me its the biggest move of her life, that is it the hardest thing she will ever have to do. She was scared of what her parents would say, but yesterday her parents told her they will support her either way, if she stays with her H or leaves him. So i think we are going in the right direction, that was something that was bothering her alot, she wanted her families support.

 

OK, this makes me think that maybe the abuse thing has been greatly exaggerated. Don't you think that if you found out your daughter was being abused by her husband, ANY parent would WILLINGLY help get her OUT of the marriage?

 

I'm glad that you're going to read SD's threads. Hopefully some of what he's talking about will open your eyes and make you see that you DO need to back off and stop enabling her to stay in her marriage. I know you can't see that this is what you're doing, but you are doing it by being in her life, being her rock, her safety net.

 

her reasoning is basically that she feels she needs to end it. So she can end it emotionally and by letting him know that she doesn't love him and that she will not put up with his abuse any longer. She wants to come to me knowing that she found her strength and put a stop to her abuse. That she is making changes in her life for the better.

 

Then why is she going back home to him? I don't think she's being completely honest with you..Sorry.

 

You say she is making changes in her life, is she seeking counselling at the moment? If not, WHY NOT? If she truly is being abused, therapy is the first step.

[bentnotbroken]

Who else is going to do it? Her bestfriend, her family, her siblings... You cannot BE her therapist and her knight in shining armour. YOU are not her husband, or life partner. Sorry..

 

 

 

OK, this makes me think that maybe the abuse thing has been greatly exaggerated. Don't you think that if you found out your daughter was being abused by her husband, ANY parent would WILLINGLY help get her OUT of the marriage?

 

I'm glad that you're going to read SD's threads. Hopefully some of what he's talking about will open your eyes and make you see that you DO need to back off and stop enabling her to stay in her marriage. I know you can't see that this is what you're doing, but you are doing it by being in her life, being her rock, her safety net.

 

 

 

Then why is she going back home to him? I don't think she's being completely honest with you..Sorry.

 

You say she is making changes in her life, is she seeking counselling at the moment? If not, WHY NOT? If she truly is being abused, therapy is the first step.

 

 

 

Exactly, she didn't have to go home to tell him that she didn't love him anymore. If he is as abusive as she says, he already knows she doesn't love him. And being away from and abuser when you drop the bomb so to speak, is a lot safer than being within pummeling distance. You are being lead around by the...ahh, nose.

[happinessnow]

Who else is going to do it? Her bestfriend, her family, her siblings... You cannot BE her therapist and her knight in shining armour. YOU are not her husband, or life partner. Sorry..

 

 

 

OK, this makes me think that maybe the abuse thing has been greatly exaggerated. Don't you think that if you found out your daughter was being abused by her husband, ANY parent would WILLINGLY help get her OUT of the marriage?

 

I'm glad that you're going to read SD's threads. Hopefully some of what he's talking about will open your eyes and make you see that you DO need to back off and stop enabling her to stay in her marriage. I know you can't see that this is what you're doing, but you are doing it by being in her life, being her rock, her safety net.

 

 

 

Then why is she going back home to him? I don't think she's being completely honest with you..Sorry.

 

You say she is making changes in her life, is she seeking counselling at the moment? If not, WHY NOT? If she truly is being abused, therapy is the first step.

 

She has not told her parents about how she is being treated. They do not know about it. I told her she needed to tell them so they can help her.

[OpenBook]

You are being lead around by the...ahh, nose.

 

Whew! That was a close one, bent!

[whichwayisup]

She has not told her parents about how she is being treated. They do not know about it. I told her she needed to tell them so they can help her.

 

You know and are involved with her, her bestfriend knows all about the abuse and you, but her folks do not know that her husband is abusive? I find that odd. Nothing against you, I just find it odd that she hasn't told them.

 

Her actions are not matching her words, that's for sure.

 

Look, I know you don't want to believe that she is manipulating you or lying to you...It isn't coming from a malcious place, it's coming from a selfish place, it's that plain simple. You make her feel good, happy and secure. BUT SHE IS MARRIED. That never changed during all the year(s) you've been with her.

 

What are you expecting from her?

[bentnotbroken]

Whew! That was a close one, bent!

 

 

I wouldn't do anything to get into trouble:rolleyes:

[happinessnow]

You know and are involved with her, her bestfriend knows all about the abuse and you, but her folks do not know that her husband is abusive? I find that odd. Nothing against you, I just find it odd that she hasn't told them.

 

Her actions are not matching her words, that's for sure.

 

Look, I know you don't want to believe that she is manipulating you or lying to you...It isn't coming from a malcious place, it's coming from a selfish place, it's that plain simple. You make her feel good, happy and secure. BUT SHE IS MARRIED. That never changed during all the year(s) you've been with her.

 

What are you expecting from her?

 

I hear what you are saying but she comes from a long line of abuse, not only did she marry into a abusive marriage but she had a abusive childhood growing up, she is terrified of her father, he always called her ugly, fat, hit her and who knows what else. both her and her older brother have emotional abuse problems, her older brother is seeing a therapist but she is not, her husband will not allow it.

[whichwayisup]

I know this is going to sound bad but still....

 

It's OK for her to go behind his back and cheat, but not to go behind his back and seek counselling? You see where I'm going with this?

 

This situation is very messed up and you're caught up in the midst of it. This isn't YOUR life, it's hers and as much as you want to save her - I need to ask, why haven't you gotten her into therapy? If you want to do anything for her, that's the one thing she needs, to sort herself out - NOT fall into your arms.

 

Have you read stamps threads yet?

[OWoman]

OK, this makes me think that maybe the abuse thing has been greatly exaggerated. Don't you think that if you found out your daughter was being abused by her husband, ANY parent would WILLINGLY help get her OUT of the marriage?

 

 

Sadly, this isn't true. Many of the battered women I've counselled have fled to their parents' home, only to be sent back by their mothers because "you've made your bed, now lie in it". This is especially true where there is abuse in the parental home too (however well hidden it may be). The number of parents who think that abuse is not only acceptable, but "normal" within a marriage is truly shocking.

[OWoman]

You know and are involved with her, her bestfriend knows all about the abuse and you, but her folks do not know that her husband is abusive? I find that odd. Nothing against you, I just find it odd that she hasn't told them.

 

 

Not everyone has that kind of relationship with their parents. I certainly wouldn't tell mine if I was being abused. I'd confide in a close friend, get my act together and only let my parents know the reason I left once it was all history. If then.

[OWoman]

Exactly, she didn't have to go home to tell him that she didn't love him anymore. If he is as abusive as she says, he already knows she doesn't love him.

 

On the contrary, abusers shift the blame onto the abused. He's unlikely to see himself as doing anything wrong, he's merely helping her out because he loves her and he wants her to be a better person. And she loves him, even though she is such a bad wife she needs correcting from time to time...

 

Abuse is not logical. Neither for the abuser, nor the abused.

[whichwayisup]

Abuse is not logical. Neither for the abuser, nor the abused.

 

So how is her being in an affair making her situation better? If anything, it's an escape from her life, her marriage ... NOT healthy at all. She is in no mindset right now to have a healthy relationship and happinessnow is zeroing in on her, and hoping they can be together. Trying to rescue her, take her away and build a better life with her. What he doesn't realize is, she is NOT capable of that right now and if this abuse is bad, him getting involving with her on such an intimate level is NOT putting HER wellbeing first. Sorry, but that is the truth of it.

 

.

[bentnotbroken]

On the contrary, abusers shift the blame onto the abused. He's unlikely to see himself as doing anything wrong, he's merely helping her out because he loves her and he wants her to be a better person. And she loves him, even though she is such a bad wife she needs correcting from time to time...

 

Abuse is not logical. Neither for the abuser, nor the abused.

 

 

 

I know there is nothing logical. I grew up in the situation and is my field of study. I still see a woman willing to risk her life for an affair, but not to leave a so called abuser. He says she is afraid of her family's reaction, but won't tell them she is being abused to seek help. But she seeks an AP. Even with illogical thinking, this is pretty lame.

[OWoman]

So how is her being in an affair making her situation better? If anything, it's an escape from her life, her marriage ... NOT healthy at all. She is in no mindset right now to have a healthy relationship and happinessnow is zeroing in on her, and hoping they can be together. Trying to rescue her, take her away and build a better life with her. What he doesn't realize is, she is NOT capable of that right now and if this abuse is bad, him getting involving with her on such an intimate level is NOT putting HER wellbeing first. Sorry, but that is the truth of it.

 

.

 

Agree 100%. She needs professional help to extricate herself - if that's what she wants - and he needs to back off from a R until she's in a space to have a healthy, equal, sustainable R - with him, or anyone else.

[OWoman]

I know there is nothing logical. I grew up in the situation and is my field of study. I still see a woman willing to risk her life for an affair, but not to leave a so called abuser. He says she is afraid of her family's reaction, but won't tell them she is being abused to seek help. But she seeks an AP. Even with illogical thinking, this is pretty lame.

 

She's unwilling to take responsibility - the responsibility for taking control of her own life back, ending the cycle of abuse and healing herself. She's attempting - with some success - to make HN take that responsibility for her. She's stepped into the "victim" role and "isn't able" to sort out her own stuff, and wants someone else to do it for her. Yes, it's lame. Counselling battered women has got to be the most frustrating thing on the planet - sometimes you just want to shake them and get them to see sense!

[whichwayisup]

Agree 100%. She needs professional help to extricate herself - if that's what she wants - and he needs to back off from a R until she's in a space to have a healthy, equal, sustainable R - with him, or anyone else.

 

And this is where the OM steps in - To save her. BUT, unfortunately he has feelings for her so that is clouding his better judgement in the sense of realizing that the A is not helping, it's making it worse. He now has invested interest in her and isn't going to break it off or leave her alone to sort this out alone because HE feels she is alone and has noone. Meanwhile her bestfriend could be the one helping her just as much.

 

She's unwilling to take responsibility - the responsibility for taking control of her own life back, ending the cycle of abuse and healing herself. She's attempting - with some success - to make HN take that responsibility for her. She's stepped into the "victim" role and "isn't able" to sort out her own stuff, and wants someone else to do it for her. Yes, it's lame. Counselling battered women has got to be the most frustrating thing on the planet - sometimes you just want to shake them and get them to see sense!

 

And because of this, he is the exit affair.

[Owl]

WWIU, your last response was EXACTLY where I was about to go with this!!!

 

The main reason that the OP needs to back off at this point is that he's not going to be a SAFE source of support for her. She needs to get PROFESSIONAL help to either resolve or end the abusive situation. OP can't be that person...he's not the "professional", AND he's got a vested interest in a specific outcome.

 

If you truly "love" this woman...get her to go to a PROFESSIONAL abuse/crisis center, and back off until she's divorced. If she remains with him, that's her choice. If she divorces and comes to you, that her choice.

 

If you remain in a relationship with her, you're going to be a MAJOR stressor on her relationship with her H...and potentially remain a likely trigger for abusive behavior.

 

I'll be honest tho...at this point, I still remain very skeptical of the alleged abuse. Abuse is the #1 war cry of the "married woman". Its the easiest ticket OUT of a marriage, even if none existed. Once alleged, its nearly impossible to DISPROVE. Its also one of those crimes that's a "guilty until proven innocent" situation.

 

Have YOU PERSONALLY seen her being abused in any fashion from her H? Has her friend who confided in you PERSONALLY WITNESSED physical/emotional abuse?

 

I'm not saying that this woman isn't abused. I'm saying that NO ONE KNOWS THE TRUTH at this point.

 

So she needs to get out of the abusive situation. She needs PROFESSIONAL help.

 

And frankly...she needs to back off on any kind of other relationship until that sitaution is either ended, or resolved in some fashion. PERIOD.

 

You CAN'T be the one there for her, given all that's gone on. Get her aimed in the right direction, and then back away until she's actually available for a relationship with you. That 'friendship' line has been crossed...you're no longer her "friend"...and she's not available to be more than that at this point.

 

Seriously...think about this.

 

 

And:

Agree 100%. She needs professional help to extricate herself - if that's what she wants - and he needs to back off from a R until she's in a space to have a healthy, equal, sustainable R - with him, or anyone else.

 

Someone mark the date...Owoman and I agreed on something. When WE agree on a course of action...that means that this course of action is pretty much obvious to EVERYONE. LOL!!!

[OWoman]

I'll be honest tho...at this point, I still remain very skeptical of the alleged abuse. Abuse is the #1 war cry of the "married woman". Its the easiest ticket OUT of a marriage, even if none existed. Once alleged, its nearly impossible to DISPROVE. Its also one of those crimes that's a "guilty until proven innocent" situation.

 

Owl we're going to have to disagree on that. It's an area I have many years experience in, and unless the US is very different (and the literature suggests it's not) domestic abuse is one of the most under-reported and under-disclosed social phenomena - largely, it's suspected, because of the stigma. Nowhere do social services or courts adopt a "guilty until proven innocent" approach and certainly the attitude of law enforcement - though this is slowly changing - is to regard it as a "private affair" and to refuse to intervene even when complaints are lodged. Tracy Chapman, Suzanne Vega and several others have dealt with this muscially, though less focus has been given to spousal abuse of men by their wives or within same sex couples. It's often private and thus in the realm of "he said she said" - almost impossible to prove - and many prosecutors argue that "if it was so bad s/he'd have left" which demonstrates profound ignorance of the psychology involved. Fortunately, courts also consider evidence from "expert witnesses" and this sometimes allows for successful prosecution. Homicide within in a domestic violence situation remains the highest unnatural cause of death for women in many countries.

 

And on this:

 

So she needs to get out of the abusive situation. She needs PROFESSIONAL help.

 

And frankly...she needs to back off on any kind of other relationship until that sitaution is either ended, or resolved in some fashion. PERIOD.

 

there can be no possible disagreement!