A lady I like

[LonelyVocalist]

There's this lady that works nearby me who I'm way too shy to talk to. It's hard enough trying to work when I have a view of her from afar, but my stomach pains every single day I see her; it feels like I'm about to throw my guts up. I always get a rush (one that beats any pot I've ever smoked) when I walk by and smile and wave at her and she smiles and waves back... but I'm still too shy to talk to her. I tried a couple times but I stuttered worse than James Stewart as the cashier in an armed robbery.

 

If it's any justification or explanation why, she's so beautiful, she can literally get any guy she wants. She looks like Riona from Final Fantasy VIII, but much more human. Plus, I'm at least a couple inches shorter than her, and what woman likes short guys?

 

Believe me, I've ceaselessly tried to stop thinking about her and accept the fact I'm not good enough for her and live in the now... but it's no use. I know I have enough on my plate to deal with, but I can't help myself. Like Albert from Hitch said "You know what it's like getting up every morning feeling hopeless? Feeling like the love of your life is waking up with the wrong man? But, at the same time hoping that she still finds happiness, even if it's never going to be with you?" Yeah, I did relate to that rather painfully. Story of my love life in that quote.

 

Oh well, what's the use? I'm just a loser and nothing cool or romantic ever happens to dudes like me.

 

Sorry if I wasted your time.

[Nemo]

; it feels like I'm about to throw my guts up.

That sounds like true love.

 

Anyway, you should talk to her. Sure, she probably won't be attracted to you, but you have nothing to lose. So do it. Put yourself out of your misery.

 

Until the hope is crushed, you won't be able to heal. Do it. Talk to her. It's actually a very easy thing to do. So just do it.

[LonelyVocalist]

That sounds like true love.

 

Anyway, you should talk to her. Sure, she probably won't be attracted to you, but you have nothing to lose. So do it. Put yourself out of your misery.

 

Until the hope is crushed, you won't be able to heal. Do it. Talk to her. It's actually a very easy thing to do. So just do it.

 

Actually, the last time I got rejected, I was a mental wreck. I did so poorly in my college classes that I was forced to withdraw and make college an even bigger money pit than it had to be. It's really hard for me to talk to her 'cause I don't know what to say, and the stuttering won't stop.

[D-D]

I used to be very shy like you not long ago. The last few years I have become more outgoing, but I am still pretty shy.

 

You need to go talk to her. If you are waving high to her at work she obviously recognizes you. Just go over to her and introduce yourself. Tell her you see her all the time but that you don't know her name (or something to that effect). Just keep it really simple and pretend that you are just talking to a friend or something. Rehearse what you are going to say before hand so that you don't fumble. Does she drink coffee? You could bring a coffee to her when you go to see her.

 

You will be nervous, but bite your toung, swallow your pride and get over there. If you do nothing with the situation, nothing will ever happen (and you will continue feeling bad everytime you see her). Absolute worst case you talk to her, ask her out and she turns you down. You will feel like crap for a week or two and then get over it.

 

I know exactly where you come from. Trust me from my own experience. The more you talk to girls, especially ones you are sexually attracted to, the easier it becomes.

 

Case in point for you. I'm an OK looking guy, 5'6" (short) avg/athletic build.....nothing fantastic (don't really think of myself as attractive or good-looking). I met this incredibly attractive girl at work about 6 weeks ago. Was nervous to ask, but I got her phone number (I figured at the end of the day, worst case I go home single just like I would have been if I hadn't asked). She agreed to dinner when I called to ask her out. We had a nice date together, but unfortunately it never went past that. Moral of the story. I never thought that I would even get the girls phone number let alone a date. It had been three years since I had even been on anything resembling a date. Take a chance and try. For all you know, she could be really attracted to you!

[LonelyVocalist]

Thanks for the advice, guys. I guess it's just the way I am. Maybe I need professional help (but I don't have much money due to past mistakes), but I just can't find it in me to talk to her. Rejection, for me, just happens to hurt a lot more than the average person. I'd be in a manic state (where I feel some of the worst emotions I've ever felt) sometimes for months on end, and I still have a bit of a bitter stomach for past rejections (which is all my "love life" has ever been). I know it's ridiculous and pathetic, but I can't help it. Attraction also feels a lot stronger for me, so I fight not to fall in. I guess it can't be helped sometimes. Usually, I'd smoke pot and I'd feel free of any need to stumble over a female, but I quit for career and personal reasons.

 

I've never even had a kiss, much less been laid. It sucks, because the average woman of modern times seems to have already had at least 9 exes by the time she reaches her 20's. So, when it comes to the ladies, I'm pretty much outta luck before I even go up to bat (which is a microcosm for my luck in life anyways) and I honestly wish I had my testicles removed and my hormones reversed so I can get on with my life.

 

At the same time, I wouldn't trade this feeling for anything in the world. It's both the best and worst thing I've ever felt. Whenever I look at her, my logic stops working, my heart thumps rapidly, and I feel like I do after drinking 7 or so beers (I'm a mere 110ish pounds... so). Even if she's just messin' with my head and trying to be nice to me and already has a boyfriend... I still wish that she's happy no matter what. I'd be crushed; I'd wanna tie bricks to my shoes and jump in the nearby river and hope I either drown or die of pnemonia or jump off of any of the sky-scrapers ('cause those would be the only possible ways I would stop thinking about her), but I'd at least be satisfied that she's happy, even if it isn't with me.

 

I feel like I'm really losing it this time. I know I sound pathetic as hell and am putting someone on a pedistil, but it's not like I haven't tried to fight this feeling off and tried talking myself out of it. I'm so conflicted that it's ruining my already crappy life.

 

Oh well, I guess that's just how life goes sometimes...

 

Regardless, thanks for the replies.

[J2FT1]

Are you an game addict? I say this because you refer to Final Fantasy. I used to be a game addict and I had no time for other things like taking care of my body and whatnot. Another thing, is this "lady" that you like asian? If she is, just go for it. Most asian girls are very kind when it comes to dating and if they reject you, you will not feel as bad. I'm an asian guy, so I kinda know a bit about them (but not enough of course, that's why I'm here also ).

[LonelyVocalist]

Actually, no, I suck at video games, but I've had friends that were/are game addicts. I think she is Asian (probably mixed), and even if I'm rejected kindly (like with the last girl that rejected me) I still hurt the same. She's extremely beautiful, too, and I don't wanna feel like I'm being guy number 2346754466 that wants to get with her. It's so conflicting.

[D-D]

I used to be the same as you. The first girl I asked out in HS I had known for about three years. It took me like three or four weeks to build up the courage to talk to her (name was Erin). She was the most beautifil girl I have ever met. I used to get to school early every morning and sit at my locker (which was down the hall from her) waiting for her to get to school. I knew I had to do something soon because this was killing me. One week after an exam, I was in my locker when she came out of a class and went to her locker. We were alone in the hallway and I knew it was do or die time. I remember walking to her and it felt like my body was going to burst into flames. My face was probably as red as a Christmas tree by the time I made it down the hallway. I figured by the time I got there I wouldn't even be able to speak.

 

I got there and very nervously asked if she'd like to go on a date some time (it didn't even feel like I was speaking, the words just kind of rolled off my tongue). She replied, "with who?" I explained that I'd like to go on a date with her. Erin clued in (obviously I knew what the answer would be at this point) and told me that she had just started dating her neighbor. She said I had a lot of courage to ask her out (which was really nice of her in all honesty though I didn't see it that way). I think I told her it was "OK" and made a quick exit. It was akward after because I saw her often and we had several classes together.

 

I was devestated to tell you the truth. I had a crush on Erin for the past year and used to think about her so much. I had the whole first date all planned in my head! I really shut down for several weeks after that, not doing much.

 

When I look back on this, 7 years later, I am glad that I asked her out. I really like this girl, and even though I never dated her, I would have hated living the rest of my life wondering if we'd be married or something if I had asked her out. Now I know, and I hope she is happy where ever she is. I was really shy and was incredibly nervous, just like you to ask this girl out. Go and ask her out and hopefully you will get the answer you like (the one I didn't get)!

 

As an aside to the story, this girl later went to prom with a male cousin (or so I was told). Guess she really wasn't interested in me! One day near the end of the school year about 4 months after I asked her out I was walking to the bus with a friend. He asked if he could ask me a question to which I replied, 'yes'. He said he heard a rumor that I had been dating Erin and that she had dumped me. I think I laughed saying 'I wish'! I told him what happened. He said I had some balls asking her out as she was the hottest girl in the school by a mile!

 

Really man, I know how tough it is to ask girls out when you are shy and nervous. I asked several more girls out after this, most of which turned me down. I had asked out one girl who had to stop herself from laughing and told me I was too short for her to date. It took me a year until I could find the courage to ask another girl out. Moral of the story is it got easier every time after that. You don't feel as nervous anymore and you get over it faster when you are turned down. I think two things happen. One is you stay single and begin to realize that you have to do something to change your "singledom" which involves the risk of being turned down. The second is you realize that you have nothing to lose. If there is a girl I am interested in, why not ask her out? The worst that will happen is she will turn me down and I will still be single. But if she says yes, then who knows where it could lead!

 

Honestly man, If I had just sucked it up and asked some of the girls I had been around with that I was too shy to ask out, I have no doubt that many of them would have gone on a date with me. Ask out every girl you like! You have nothing to lose! Who cares if you get turned down. No one else will and neither should you! I make encourage myself to flirt with girls I find attractive every opportunity I get, even if I know they aren't single or that they wouldn't go out with me. It builds experience and confidence in you!

 

I hope you ask her out and I wish you luck in doing so! (Let us know how it goes)

[LonelyVocalist]

D-D, what you say is very sound and logical, but my feelings don't say the same. I'm trying to decide if it's worth my sanity and well-being to deal with another rejection for the sake of "experience". What I do have to lose is my self esteem (which is already at a record low) and well-being. I can't afford snapping at work and being super-depressed anymore, but at the same time, I can't drive these feelings away, like I want to. It's like I'm screwed either way. However, rejection usually feels 20 times worse because I'm not good enough for her, never will be... and some other dude is. For me, it's one of the worst emotions in the world, and I'd much rather simply not feel anything at all.

 

I just want to DIE and leave my body because I'm sick of feeling like this. It's not like anybody'd really miss me if I offed myself; I have a family, and MAYBE they'd be sad, but they'd get used to it. My brother has a daughter, so it's not like I'm putting my family line in danger. I got all the recessive genes, and have no real talents and nothing to offer the world.

 

In a demented way, I like feeling this way about someone... it gives me a hint of light in my otherwise completely pathetic excuse for an existence. Maybe that's why people even believe in something as esoteric as "god"... gives them unrealistic hope, I guess. Maybe love is just a facade used to trigger a basic animal necessity (procreation) and people like me are "useful idiots" that aren't meant to procreate.

 

I just wanna throw myself in front of a speeding car or gamping a knife in my heart so that she can be spared of the pain and guilt trip of rejecting some useless piece of crap like me.

 

I seriously just need to not exist anymore. This feeling is killing me, but ironicly enough, it's one of the only things keeping me alive.

 

Maybe once I move out on my own, I'll get a mail-order bride. Hell, at least it's slightly more moral than getting an escort.

[thisishowitis]

I think ur putting her on a pedestal. You're building her up in your mind to be some superhuman or something. She's just a girl, a human just like you searching for happiness. Talk to her like you talk to buddies or your parents. And don't be afraid of physical touch, she definately won't hate you for it.

[JohnnyBlaze]

Tara D_ _ _ _a. I knew this chick all through pre-school, public school and into high school, and still couldn't talk to her without blushing. Once I hit the age where I realized girl cooties were a good thing, I had the hugest crush on her. The closest I ever got to dating her was when a guy she knew asked me out for her in grade 7. This guy was a consummate prankster who knew I liked her. He and I never got along at all, and smelling a trap (as I'd seen his pranks in action before), I told him to get lost. To this day (15+ years later), I'm still kicking my ass for not taking the chance. Would a grade 7 relation have lasted this long? Probably not, they rarely do. But then at least I could say that, even for a short time, I might have been hers.

 

LV, I felt the same way you do about asking a chick out (and to a large degree, I still do). Yes, if she says no, it'll hurt...pretty badly, too. I'm not going to try and tell you otherwise. "10 lb sledgehammer to the chest" is an appropriate analogy for the feeling. But it's like guilt or heartburn. It hurts really bad for a short while, but it goes away. Regret, on the other hand, has a very long half life. Take a chance with her. At worst, you'll get a good "remember the time I..." story. At best, you get a date with the girl. But even the dumbest, craziest 'remember the time" story is better than any story that has the words "I'm still kicking my ass for not taking the chance". Trust me.

 

Don't get down on yourself for thinking you're not what she wants. The theory that girls all want tall, dark and handsome doesn't explain why scrawny little blond guys are always walking around with hot girls. Some girls like tall, some like short, some like small, some like big, some like bookworms and some like bikers (hopefully for me, some like bookworm bikers!). Trying to predict what a woman wants has about as much chance of success as guessing which tree a fruit fly will land on in an apple orchard. Just accept that they all like something different, and spin the wheel that she'll like you.

 

 

 

 

Note: On the off-chance that TD is reading this (you went to SG and hung out with LD - now LB), get in touch with KE. I'm easy to track down (my parents still live in the same house in the same town we grew up in and they know where to find me); it'd be good to see you again.

 

P.S. Yes, people, she affected me that much.

[D-D]

D-D, what you say is very sound and logical, but my feelings don't say the same. I'm trying to decide if it's worth my sanity and well-being to deal with another rejection for the sake of "experience". What I do have to lose is my self esteem (which is already at a record low) and well-being. I can't afford snapping at work and being super-depressed anymore, but at the same time, I can't drive these feelings away, like I want to. It's like I'm screwed either way. However, rejection usually feels 20 times worse because I'm not good enough for her, never will be... and some other dude is. For me, it's one of the worst emotions in the world, and I'd much rather simply not feel anything at all.

 

I just want to DIE and leave my body because I'm sick of feeling like this. It's not like anybody'd really miss me if I offed myself; I have a family, and MAYBE they'd be sad, but they'd get used to it. My brother has a daughter, so it's not like I'm putting my family line in danger. I got all the recessive genes, and have no real talents and nothing to offer the world.

 

In a demented way, I like feeling this way about someone... it gives me a hint of light in my otherwise completely pathetic excuse for an existence. Maybe that's why people even believe in something as esoteric as "god"... gives them unrealistic hope, I guess. Maybe love is just a facade used to trigger a basic animal necessity (procreation) and people like me are "useful idiots" that aren't meant to procreate.

 

I just wanna throw myself in front of a speeding car or gamping a knife in my heart so that she can be spared of the pain and guilt trip of rejecting some useless piece of crap like me.

 

I seriously just need to not exist anymore. This feeling is killing me, but ironicly enough, it's one of the only things keeping me alive.

 

Maybe once I move out on my own, I'll get a mail-order bride. Hell, at least it's slightly more moral than getting an escort.

 

I know how you feel and I can relate. Asking her out will be very tough, but I think you should do it. At least if you ask her out you will know if she is interested or not. If she isn't, it will hurt pretty bad for a while. However, you will get over it and move on. I know it really sucks when it feels like you can't find that special someone and everyone else around you seems to have. Remember, good things come to those who wait. I have a long time friend who always asks about the women in my life and is usually dissapointed to hear there are none. He always tells me that one day I'm am going to meet the most beautiful, nicest girl ever. I hope he is right....for both our sakes.

 

And don't get so down on yourself. I am sure there are more people than you realize who care about you! I was the same way and still am sometimes. I really wished sometimes that I'd "just die" so I didn't have to live like this anymore. You'll have good days and bad days and that is just how it goes sometimes. I don't know if you are seriously actively or passively contemplating suicide, but that is only going to hurt those around you. If you are feeling really down, please go seek out help. Suicide is an awful tragedy that causes tons of hurt to eevryone!

 

I just got back from a vacation in Montreal and saw millions of absolutely gorgeous girls while I was away. I got kind of depressed thinking that I would never have a chance with any girl. In the end I have no control over it. If something is going to happen it will. It really seems lame, but I honestly believe in fate to a certain extent. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason (though I still feel we have the ability to positively or negatively influence the outcomes of our lives).

 

All I'm saying is no matter how hopeless things seem, eventually they will work out. Unfortunately, life isn't fair so for some it will be easier than others. If you tough it out for a few years you could meet someone really special and fall in love. You never know what can happen in the future. Hang in there and keep fighting the good fight!

[Pedigree]

D-D, what you say is very sound and logical, but my feelings don't say the same. I'm trying to decide if it's worth my sanity and well-being to deal with another rejection for the sake of "experience". What I do have to lose is my self esteem (which is already at a record low) and well-being. I can't afford snapping at work and being super-depressed anymore, but at the same time, I can't drive these feelings away, like I want to. It's like I'm screwed either way. However, rejection usually feels 20 times worse because I'm not good enough for her, never will be... and some other dude is. For me, it's one of the worst emotions in the world, and I'd much rather simply not feel anything at all.

 

That depends on your mindset when it comes to dealing with rejection. Are you going to take it as another blow to your self esteem or are you going to learn from it? First time I got rejected, I picked the former mindset and it took me close to 18 months before I worked up the courage to even talk to a girl who I saw in that way. Then I got rejected again, that was 3 weeks ago. But this time, I chose to analyze the situation to try and learn from it; what did I do wrong? what did she do wrong? maybe we're not for each other etc. Now I'm looking to not repeat the same mistakes at my cousin's wedding next month.

[LonelyVocalist]

I am sure there are more people than you realize who care about you! I was the same way and still am sometimes. I really wished sometimes that I'd "just die" so I didn't have to live like this anymore. You'll have good days and bad days and that is just how it goes sometimes. I don't know if you are seriously actively or passively contemplating suicide, but that is only going to hurt those around you. If you are feeling really down, please go seek out help. Suicide is an awful tragedy that causes tons of hurt to eevryone!

 

Nobody really cares much about me. I mean, some do, or at least show the effort, but for the most part, my family and friends (for the most part) seem to think I should be seen but not heard. I don't have "good and bad days", I have bad and worse days. Not one person (even psychologists, therapists, MDs) has been able to help me. I stay alive not for myself, but for the people out there who DO care about me. Maybe suicide does cause a lot of pain to others, but isn't it selfish to force life on a being that is in too much pain to be alive? I mean, people put their pets to sleep... what makes them so much less epic than people... just because we have words, clothes, architecture, and automatic weapons?

 

That depends on your mindset when it comes to dealing with rejection. Are you going to take it as another blow to your self esteem or are you going to learn from it? First time I got rejected, I picked the former mindset and it took me close to 18 months before I worked up the courage to even talk to a girl who I saw in that way. Then I got rejected again, that was 3 weeks ago. But this time, I chose to analyze the situation to try and learn from it; what did I do wrong? what did she do wrong? maybe we're not for each other etc. Now I'm looking to not repeat the same mistakes at my cousin's wedding next month.

 

It's not so much that I CHOOSE to feel immense hurt after being rejected, it's the way I feel nevertheless. It's like I'm stuck in the same loopholes... I feel something for someone whose gonna reject me anyways, but I can't just up and force the feelings away. the left side of my brain tells me to get over it and try to achieve some sort of prestige, but the right brain feels the hurt very sharply. After rejections (which is all my "love life" has ever been) up the butthole, I've gotten to the point where I don't think I could EVER give any woman what she wants.

 

Anyways, a friend of mine knows this girl. She said that she's going off to college after the summer's over (quite far away, too) so I think there's no reason at all for me to pursue her. Even on the off chance that I might woo her and she happens to like me alot or is attracted to me or whatever, I don't wanna give her an emotional descision over something as important for success as college. I'm stuck where I am because I screwed up too much in my life. I don't wanna bring others down with me... that'd be the WORST thing I could do to someone I love.

 

Damn, now I wanna turn back into my ol' early 90's Silent Bob beanie-wearing pot-smoking self... but this stupid thing called "false hope" is holding me back! ARGH!