OMG what have I done :(

[cloudeight]

What do I do?

 

Last night I drank (too much) and hooked up with a girl as a joke in front of 2 guys, a bad idea to begin with. Then one of the guys started making out with me and we went onto my bed and started to have sex. We both have significant others (he has a girlfriend who lives with him and I have a boyfriend). We stopped and both realized we couldn’t and shouldn’t do that and he left, but I feel HORRIBLE. The thing is none of my friends know about it, he lives over an hour away and my boyfriend lives in another state, I want to tell him to make myself feel better, but I know no good is going to come of it. We have been dating a long time and I want to be engaged to him and I know this hook up is largely because he refuses to move our relationship forward and that has started to really get to me as all my friends are getting engaged. I know that is a really bad reason to cheat and I should never have done this. I feel like the worst person in the world. All I could think about this morning was how stupid I am and how much I love my boyfriend and that I should never have done this. Do you think it is ok if I live with my guilty conscious and don’t tell him? I’m so disappointed in myself right now. Because my boyfriend and I already have such a distant relationship and I am not even going to see him for over a week I just don’t feel like it would be a good idea to tell him. I know honesty is the best policy but I feel like you can’t get over something like this when you are a hundred miles from the person and aren’t going to see them on a regular basis. So tell and risk breaking up? Or just never talk to the guy again and keep my mouth shut? I feel like a big idiot and wish I could take last night back. This was so stupid and not worth this!

[cloudeight]

also, i haven't told ANY of my friends about this happening. I figure the less people that know the better. The girl and the other guy that were there both saw us making out but they aren't friends with any of my friends either. I just want this to go away. I really just want to hear that I shouldn't tell him. I don't want to risk breaking up over my stupidity. I can't believe I would make out and almost have sex with a guy just because my boyfriend and I aren't getting engaged like everyone else. Jealousy is going to ruin my relationship. I'm so dumb. ugh.

[Nevermind]

You need to tell him. If you're honestly sorry, you might fix it. If you lie, you'll ruin everything.

 

Getting engaged is nothing you do because your friends have done it, too.

You should really get this idea out of your head.

[cloudeight]

I realize getting engaged isn't something you do because your friends do!!!! I have been dating this guy for YEARS. I really love him with all my heart. He wants to wait till he is more stable and is able to support someone else but I am quite capable of supporting myself (and him for that matter!!). I feel bad because there is no way he can get a job/career that is going to allow him to do that for years. Explaining why would be much to complicated. We have had this fight a million times and this is the first weekend we haven't spent together in a long time. I really do love him.

I really think not telling him is the best idea. This would kill him and I just don't want to put any more stress on the relationship. Any other advice out there?

[shakenandstirred]

Ok..here is a cliche' scenario. Your boyfriend just did the same thing you did. But he doesn't tell you. After you get engaged or married, you find out that he got drunk, made out with a girl and almost had sex. Now we don't know the details of how far you and the guy went. However you know what went on. If your boyfriend had done the exact things you did and you found out after you got engaged or married from someone else, how would you feel about it? Odds are your boyfriend would feel the same. You are right, giving yourself permission to do what you did because you are not engaged yet and your friends are, is a little immature. From your post I ascertain that you are really a mature person that let alcohol impair your judgement, but alcohol is never an excuse. I think you should at least want to base your relationship on honesty. Part of being an adult is doing irresponsible things and taking responsibility for them. I think your boyfriend would respect your honesty. He will be angry, but there are always consequences to our actions...good or bad

[cloudeight]

That is true. I have tried to think about how I would feel if I was him. I know it is probably better to be honest in case the truth ever does come out. But the truth is so horrible and is going to make him so miserable it hardly seems worth it. Putting myself in the situation, if I never heard about it and just believed he loved me more than anything in the world I would be 100% happier than having heard about it. That's the reason I don't want to tell him. I am almost positive there is no way he would ever find out about it. I know it was wrong, I learned from my mistakes. I know I should never have drank to the point that I did but I am not using that as an excuse. I made out with a guy and allowed him to pull up my dress and put himself in me because I was angry with my boyfriend. I was angry with my boyfriend for refusing to commit to me for reasons I think are ridiculous. I have tried really hard to accept that his reasons are something he feels strongly about and there is nothing I can do to change them but honestly they just make me angry. I am ashamed of myself for allowing this to happen. I have no reason to ever see any of the people who were involved in the evening, my friends don't even know them, so I have little fear of this ever getting out. I am the one with the guilty conscious. When he does call me today I am the one who has to decide what to say when he asks me "how was your night?". I think sometimes it is better to realize you did something horribly wrong and reflect on why you did it and address that issue. I fully intend to talk to him (rationally) about how I feel and the roots of why I cheated. I just don't think I am going to mention that I cheated. Is that really such a bad thing? If what happens ever does come up and the truth is revealed I will explain this entire thing to him then. I will tell him why I did it and that I kept it from him because it was a mistake I made once that I didn't want to get in the way of our relationship. That I love him dearly and never made a mistake like this again. I think if you truly love someone and they love you they would understand and forgive you, no matter when you tell them.

Anyone ever try this? Am I being completely irrational?

[Tripper]

I think if you truly love someone and they love you they would understand and forgive you, no matter when you tell them.

 

You are now in a very difficult situation. You can tell him, beg forgiveness and hope he doesn't turf you out of his life or you can try and keep it a secret and live with the shame and guilt. Either way you are in a mess.

 

If he finds out later in the relationship it could be worse. The bottom line is that you have broken his trust whether or not he knows about it.

 

Personally I think you should tell him for several reasons. The most important is that he has a right to know you cheated. He also has a right to know why you cheated. Then he can make an informed decision as to what he wants to do. Also, unless you 'fess up, take your lumps and learn from this you will always live with the guilt.

 

And if and when you tell him, he has every right to turf you out. If he doesn't, consider yourself lucky that he has some compassion and understanding of human frailty. Bottom line is you screwed up and will ultimately pay one price or another.

 

I'm not trying to be harsh, but as someone who has made a similar mistake, albeit years ago, I know the pragmatic reality you are living.

[cloudeight]

Yes, I have definitely made a nice mess for myself. UGH. Guilt and stupidity are not feelings I enjoy!

[Ariadne]

Yes, I have definitely made a nice mess for myself. UGH. Guilt and stupidity are not feelings I enjoy!

 

Don't worry about it.

 

People do all kind of crazy stuff when drunk.

 

If I were you I'd tell him though. Hopefully he'll understand.

[shakenandstirred]

Cloudeight,

You will be making a huge mistake if you try to keep this a secret. You are not helping your boyfriend by not telling him. You are only helping yourself to not look like a bad guy. Problem is ..you already are the bad guy. I'm not trying to be harsh, but if you keep this from him and he finds out later, he will almost if not hate you. He will think that everything has been a lie up to the point you told him the truth. He will feel like he doesn't know you anymore. You need to let him make his own decision whether or not he wants to stay by telling him the truth. By omitting the truth you are making his decision for him and that is not fair to him. You can rationalize not telling him all you want, but when it comes down to it your were unfaithful to him. Do you also want to be dishonest too? Cheating is bad, do you want to be known as a liar and a cheater? People always find out. Whether it be 5 minutes or 50 years from now, people always find out. Whether you guys stopped or not..you allowed him to enter you, to a guy thats like going all the way. I find it hard to believe you just stopped, it may be true, but hard to believe. Because once a guy gets in, its hard for him to stop unless he's finished or you begged him to stop. I could be wrong. Aside from that I think you need to tell him...Doesn't he deserve the truth?

[Lizzie60]

I agree with Ariadne..

 

My only advice.. stop drinking if you can't control yourself..

[Ariadne]

My boyfriend and I already have such a distant relationship...hundred miles from the person and aren’t going to see them on a regular basis...I have been dating this guy for YEARS...he is refusing to commit to me for reasons I think are ridiculous...I know it was wrong, I learned from my mistakes.

 

Btw,

 

If your bf didn't want this to happen, he should be there with you pleasing you.

 

So that you wouldn't find yourself drunk in some bar, making out with a chick, and going to bed with a guy that you don't even know.

 

This is a result of the messed up situation.

 

Don't blame yourself so much, this is just a consequence.

[cloudeight]

I can't believe I'm that girl that cheated on her loving boyfriend. I feel like a miserable, bad person. I really want to cry or scream at myself or something. Has any other good person ever made a huge mistake like this? I am a good person. I have really good morals and I often care too much. This is completely unlike me. My boyfriend would never ever suspect me to cheat on him. Not in a million years. We've even talked about this before, that neither of us could live with ourselves if we cheated on one another. This is killing me. I know it would kill him to find out. I'm not sure I can bring myself to tell him. I know you all think I am a bad person and will think even less of me if I don't tell him. Has anyone ever made one slip up though and not told their spouse? Or has everyone been 100% honest? I just can't believe that no one has ever kept a secret like this from someone they love. I love him so much, this is miserable.

[Ariadne]

I can't believe I'm that girl that cheated on her loving boyfriend. I feel like a miserable, bad person. I really want to cry or scream at myself or something. Has any other good person ever made a huge mistake like this? I am a good person. I have really good morals and I often care too much. This is completely unlike me. My boyfriend would never ever suspect me to cheat on him. Not in a million years. We've even talked about this before, that neither of us could live with ourselves if we cheated on one another. This is killing me. I know it would kill him to find out. I'm not sure I can bring myself to tell him. I know you all think I am a bad person and will think even less of me if I don't tell him. Has anyone ever made one slip up though and not told their spouse? Or has everyone been 100% honest? I just can't believe that no one has ever kept a secret like this from someone they love. I love him so much, this is miserable.

 

You couldn't help it.

 

You went to a bar and got drunk, lost control, and since you are horny things turned out that way.

 

You are longing for sex and companion and the guy is not there.

 

Like Lizzie says, if you can't control yourself don't drink too much, or these things might repeat since you've already done it.

 

Start looking at the bigger issues.

[cloudeight]

 

Btw,

 

If your bf didn't want this to happen, he should be there with you pleasing you.

 

So that you wouldn't find yourself drunk in some bar, making out with a chick, and going to bed with a guy that you don't even know.

 

This is a result of the messed up situation.

 

Don't blame yourself so much, this is just a consequence.

 

I know that is a huge part of why it happened. We are in a kinda messed up situation. But what I did was still wrong, whether he is there pleasing me or not I shouldn't be doing the things I did. I just spoke with him for like 2 minutes on the phone quickly, I felt like it was really awkward. I want to tell him to get it off my chest and be honest with him. At the same time, I would rather he just never found out. I'm just not sure which one of these feelings is going to win. I know I could easily just not mention it and he wouldn't find out. He doesn't even live in this state and I just moved here so barely anyone knows me anyways so rumor isn't really going to spread. The temptation of taking the easy way out and just not mentioning it is really great... I feel sick

[cloudeight]

I don't drink... like ever. This was the 3d time I had been to a bar in the last year. It was after a party with an open bar and we just continued the party to a bar in a nearby town. I should never have gone especially without a single friend of mine! I put myself in a very dangerous situation, I'm lucky this is all that happened!!!

[cloudeight]

I'm really thinking about not telling him which makes me feel even worse. I am not even sure how to bring it up if I was going to tell him. I can't imagine this conversation over the phone. I'm incredibly hungover and lethargic from drinking too much and just can't think. I just don't want to tell him.

[Ariadne]

But what I did was still wrong, whether he is there pleasing me or not I shouldn't be doing the things I did.

 

I don't think so, because you were drunk.

 

You were not thinking right, you were just acting out of lust.

[Ariadne]

I don't drink... like ever. This was the 3d time I had been to a bar in the last year. It was after a party with an open bar and we just continued the party to a bar in a nearby town. I should never have gone especially without a single friend of mine! I put myself in a very dangerous situation, I'm lucky this is all that happened!!!

 

And that explains it even more so.

 

When you never drink you'd get real drunk and lose it with a few drinks.

 

Dangerous situation.

[shakenandstirred]

The temptation of taking the easy way out and just not mentioning it is really great... I feel sick

 

Sorry that you are going through this. I don't think you are a bad person, but you did make a bad decision. Taking the easy way out is always easy in the beginning, but the end of it always causes quadruple the damage. Just a little advice to you. Men get negative vibes too. Not like women's intuition, but we can tell when something isn't right. Most of the time we just shrug it off. Being drunk will probably help your boyfriend rationalize what you did, but it will still be hard to swallow. I was at another site and I was reading a post on Confessing vs. Discovering. The men said that they respected their wives more for confessing, they felt if they discovered it, and she didn't confess before they discovered, she had every intention on continuing to deceive them. If you don't tell him, he will think that you probably have done this more than you have. That is if he finds out on his own. Don't say never. We don't really know what the future holds

[cloudeight]

yes, I know this happened because of the drinking. It is a running joke between my boyfriend and I that if he ever wants to have sex with me and I'm not in the mood he just has to get me drunk. I usually only 'let go' when I am with him and when I am drunk for some reason my sex drive goes up by a million. He was suppose to come here this weekend and go to this event with me because I had told him I really wanted to drink and let loose and have some fun. This would NEVER have happened if I was sober. NEVER. That's also why I am not sure if I am going to tell him, because this was a stupid stupid thing to do and truly only happened because I was drinking.

[cloudeight]

I know it probably seems silly that I am going to keep talking about this, but the talking on it here is really helping me straighten things out in my head. I know he deserves to know. I just can't bring myself to tell him.

[Lizzie60]

I know it probably seems silly that I am going to keep talking about this, but the talking on it here is really helping me straighten things out in my head. I know he deserves to know. I just can't bring myself to tell him.

 

DON'T tell him.. this was a one-mistake stupid thing.. so just forget about it.. stop drinking.. just go on with your life.. we all do stupid things.. no big deal.

 

All secrets are not good to tell.. in some cases, silence is best!

[whichwayisup]

am almost positive there is no way he would ever find out about it.

 

One day when you are out with your boyfriend and you run into those people who saw you make out, you DO NOT KNOW if they will approach you or even saying within hearing distance, "hey, that's that girl who made out with some guy at the bar afew weeks ago..."

 

BECAUSE others DO know, you owe him the truth. IF the situation was reversed, would you want to know? Yes, he will probably be pissed off, hurt and feeling betrayed, but he WILL respect you for coming clean on your own. IF he finds out by someone else, chances are alot higher he will break up with you. Atleast if you tell and show him not only in words, but in actions that you will do EVERYTHING possible to regain his trust and faith in you again, by offering to do counselling or something and also not put yourself IN situations where something could happen. If this relationship is truly serious, then you don't go clubbing and dancing without a crowd of others, let alone drink enough to the point where you end up having sex or making out with someone else. Being drunk is not an excuse and it won't hold up in his eyes.

 

I know this is hard for you, but be the better person here and admit to your mistakes. Hopefully you have a forgiving boyfriend.

 

I have to ask, you say your relationship is distant? In the sense it's a long distance R, or you two are just distant from eachother emotionally?

[shakenandstirred]

yes, I know this happened because of the drinking. It is a running joke between my boyfriend and I that if he ever wants to have sex with me and I'm not in the mood he just has to get me drunk. I usually only 'let go' when I am with him and when I am drunk for some reason my sex drive goes up by a million. He was suppose to come here this weekend and go to this event with me because I had told him I really wanted to drink and let loose and have some fun. This would NEVER have happened if I was sober. NEVER. That's also why I am not sure if I am going to tell him, because this was a stupid stupid thing to do and truly only happened because I was drinking.

It seems to me that you have made your decision not to tell. However I would caution you that this will eat at you like cancer for the rest of your life.You are not a person to normally do this sober. But the thought of it is killing you. You know it will devastate your boyfriend too. I guess because I know that you did it, I fell bad for your boyfriend because he is in the dark. I know you don't want to hear the parts about telling and confessing, but I have been where you are. I told my wife. I'm still married to her. It took 6 years before she really opened up to me..but I did what it took andwe are celebrating our 22nd anniversary next month. I'm glad I told. It's not on my chest, head or soul anymore. It was a long road back...but you can do it if you love the person. Do you really love him? You say you do. But would you deceive the one you love?