Author cloudeight Posted June 1, 2008 Author Share Posted June 1, 2008 I know the LD part is the reason I was considering not saying anything at all and part of the frustration that led to this evening. I have been trying to figure out a way for us to live closer together but short of my picking up everything I have here and moving it to him it is impossible. He can't leave the area he is in and unless I am willing to leave my job I can't really move the 100+ miles to be with him either. It is hard and we have been doing it for a long time. I am a really honest person. I know I have to to tell him what happened. I know the person above said her friend emailed her boyfriend. I just can't do that. And calling him and telling him doesn't seem right either. But if I am going to wait 2 weeks to do it, I feel as though I might just as well not say anything at all because at that point I have to pretend everything is ok for 2 weeks he will be excited to see me and I then I have to break into "two weeks ago when you didn't spend the weekend with me you were suppose to..." Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted June 1, 2008 Share Posted June 1, 2008 I can't believe what I'm reading here. I just hope you never have to go through the trials and tribulations of being cheated on and then lied to. Her boyfriend has a right to know what she has done. NO.. he has NO rights at all.. none.. nada.. sorry. He's not the 'owner'... she has the right to decide what's best for herself.. even a counsellor would tell her not to tell him.. since this was a one-time thing.. Gosh ... people I CAN'T believe what I'M READING here... :rolleyes: Link to post Share on other sites
Author cloudeight Posted June 1, 2008 Author Share Posted June 1, 2008 I do love him so much. I really do. It hurts me to think about what a horrible thing I did. I would be crushed if he did this to me. I know this is going to kill him. This is the worst thing I could ever do to him, I just can't believe I did this. I would so much rather just live with my guilt than see his face when I tell him what I did. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cloudeight Posted June 1, 2008 Author Share Posted June 1, 2008 I still don't know what to do. If he cheated on me once and felt this horrible and was never ever going to do it again I don't think I would want to know. Half a year ago he shared with me his uncertainties about the relationship and that killed me. It completely changed our relationship. He wishes he had never mentioned it because obviously it wasn't something he followed through with and I wish the same. To this day that mark is still on our relationship. It makes me nervous and insecure about our LD relationship where before I wasn't. If he hadn't told me I would be so much happier. If he cheated on me one drunken night and regretted it and instead of telling me he did it focused 110% of his energy into fixing the relationship I would be happier. I want to tell him to get the burden and guilt off my chest, but that's all it is going to accomplish... Link to post Share on other sites
Author cloudeight Posted June 1, 2008 Author Share Posted June 1, 2008 Why did replies disappear? Link to post Share on other sites
Replicant Posted June 1, 2008 Share Posted June 1, 2008 I don't get it with people... some people just seem to get some type of sick pleasure to see other people destroying their relationship.. She destroyed it the moment she decided to cheat, to satisfy what she felt the relationship was lacking and acting out of selfishness. There really is no excuse for what she did...It's deceitful behavior no matter how you choose to look at it or condone promiscuous behavior, she was not bound and tied to a relationship that was not moving forward. She could have just as easily walked away if he was not meeting her needs. Now she has the option of being honest and facing the consequences, or hiding something in hopes he doesn't and carry that guilt throughout the length of the relationship. Either way cheating is low class, intoxicated or not she wasn't a mindless ragdoll with inhibited morals. That's a BS excuse, she even eludes that she wanted this, she played the scenario right up. Time for her to pay the price of admission to the amusement park. Link to post Share on other sites
Stockalone Posted June 1, 2008 Share Posted June 1, 2008 NO.. he has NO rights at all.. none.. nada.. sorry. He's not the 'owner'... she has the right to decide what's best for herself.. even a counsellor would tell her not to tell him.. since this was a one-time thing.. Are counsellors actually doing that? Seriously, I would like to know how a counsellor justifies this. You say that her bf doesn't own cloudeight, and I agree. She has the right to decide what is best for herself. The thing is, when you are in a relationship, your rights aren't worth more than those of the person you are sharing your life with. If cloudeight doesn't tell her bf, she is deciding what is best for her bf. If you think that people should have the right to decide what is best for them, her bf has the every right to know. Gosh ... people I CAN'T believe what I'M READING here... :rolleyes: Believe me, that feeling is mutual. Everytime I read posts like yours, I am still amazed by the audacity. Not surprised anymore, but amazed nonetheless. Link to post Share on other sites
shakenandstirred Posted June 1, 2008 Share Posted June 1, 2008 Cloudeight, you base your feelings on yourself about revealing this. By doing so you are making your boyfriend's decision for him. You may not want to know, but he might. You seem to be grabbing at anything not to tell. the ultimate decision is yours. you are the one that will have to live with it. We can only give you our opinion based on our experiences. I assure you that if you don't tell or do tell, there will be consequences Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 2, 2008 Share Posted June 2, 2008 WOW why would she do that? What's the rush to destroy her relationship? She's already destroyed the relationship. Even if she doesn't tell him, the relationship dynamtic has changed forever. Everything that was honest and pure, won't be anymore. She will always know, even if he doesn't. Sounds like the original poster has a conscious and won't be able to live this lie for too long. Different circumstances, but maybe she should read Lizzie62's situation about cheating on her boyfriend with his bestfriend. She ended up breaking up with her boyfriend because she couldn't handle telling him the truth, let alone face him daily with the big fat lie. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 2, 2008 Share Posted June 2, 2008 NO.. he has NO rights at all.. none.. nada.. sorry. He's not the 'owner'... she has the right to decide what's best for herself.. even a counsellor would tell her not to tell him.. since this was a one-time thing.. A counsellor is there for the person and will advise their client NOT to tell. A couples therapist and a marriage counsellor has BOTH parties interest at heart, not just one. NO.. he has NO rights at all.. none.. nada.. sorry. He's not the 'owner'... What do you mean by this? Link to post Share on other sites
Untouchable_Fire Posted June 2, 2008 Share Posted June 2, 2008 I do love him so much. I really do. It hurts me to think about what a horrible thing I did. I would be crushed if he did this to me. I know this is going to kill him. This is the worst thing I could ever do to him, I just can't believe I did this. I would so much rather just live with my guilt than see his face when I tell him what I did. If you really loved him, then you would tell him without hesitation. Because you want him to have the option... the knowledge. Hiding who you are and what you have done is unloving, because your saying that you know whats best for him. Here is the way I see it. Your angry with him for something relatively small, the first weekend you have apart from him you cheat. So... what do you plan to do the next time your upset about something. Just an FYI, from a man's perspective, you seem selfish and immature about this, and honestly I would not want to marry or commit to a woman like that either. I think you would be a very bad person to lie and trick him into marrying you! Because he would be marrying someone he doesn't really know! Link to post Share on other sites
shakenandstirred Posted June 2, 2008 Share Posted June 2, 2008 Your angry with him for something relatively small, the first weekend you have apart from him you cheat. Untouchable, They have a LD relationship. She only sees him about every 2 weeks or so. They live about 100 miles apart Link to post Share on other sites
Untouchable_Fire Posted June 2, 2008 Share Posted June 2, 2008 We have been in a long distant relationship for years. It has gotten a little better where I see him almost every weekend. He isn't big on sharing his emotions where I am a very emotional girl so I wouldn't agree or disagree with the we are distant emotionally statement... It occurs to me that you need to make a big change in this relationship. Perhaps, this is a good wakeup call. Your angry with him for something relatively small, the first weekend you have apart from him you cheat. Untouchable, They have a LD relationship. She only sees him about every 2 weeks or so. They live about 100 miles apart Shaken, don't question my literacy skillz. There is a reason I wrote "first WEEKEND" not week. I've been in a LDR, I know how this is. Maturity doesn't come with time... it comes with effort and understanding. She needs to put in the effort. That said... I have no intention of being overly harsh. Link to post Share on other sites
Crow9726 Posted June 2, 2008 Share Posted June 2, 2008 You owe it to him to tell him ASAP! I've been reading this thread and can't believe how some people want you to lie and deceive or not be forthright. He has to be given the choice to stay with you or not. Since you spread your legs for another man after doing some drinking it shows you are prone to do that in the future as well. Or here is a scenario you probably don't want to hear. You don't tell him now, you are both drinking, your conscience gets the best of you and you tell him then. That is really going to suck for him. To all the cheaters out there, do yourself and your soul a favor. Come clean to the one you have betrayed. To do otherwise removes any and all integrity you may possibly have. If there are those who disagree with me, then you are probably serial cheaters or just apathetic people who don't give a **** about who gets hurt inadvertently or not. Just my $.02 Link to post Share on other sites
shakenandstirred Posted June 2, 2008 Share Posted June 2, 2008 It occurs to me that you need to make a big change in this relationship. Perhaps, this is a good wakeup call. Shaken, don't question my literacy skillz. There is a reason I wrote "first WEEKEND" not week. I've been in a LDR, I know how this is. Maturity doesn't come with time... it comes with effort and understanding. She needs to put in the effort. That said... I have no intention of being overly harsh. Whoaaa! I was simply pointing out that don't see each other all the time or every weekend. *ducking your blows* Not trying to get on your bad side. Link to post Share on other sites
Untouchable_Fire Posted June 2, 2008 Share Posted June 2, 2008 Whoaaa! I was simply pointing out that don't see each other all the time or every weekend. *ducking your blows* Not trying to get on your bad side. I was somewhat joking... note how I spelled skills. The overall point is that I completely agree with you on this. Cloudie is in one of those crossroads situations where you have to choose to be a good person, despite the bad consequences that may come... OR become a bad person, and selfishly try to avoid the results of her actions. Yeah, she will lose her BF's trust (for a time), and yes he may break up with her... but a good person would understand that true repentance means honesty and facing consequences. Link to post Share on other sites
shakenandstirred Posted June 2, 2008 Share Posted June 2, 2008 I was somewhat joking... note how I spelled skills. The overall point is that I completely agree with you on this. Cloudie is in one of those crossroads situations where you have to choose to be a good person, despite the bad consequences that may come... OR become a bad person, and selfishly try to avoid the results of her actions. Yeah, she will lose her BF's trust (for a time), and yes he may break up with her... but a good person would understand that true repentance means honesty and facing consequences. Yes..I agree. She is definately in a tight spot. This is one of those situations where your moral character is put to the test. I believe she will tell him. I follow your posts too Untouchable..we think along the same lines. Cloudie (no pun intended) I truly wish you the best of luck Link to post Share on other sites
SueBee3490 Posted June 2, 2008 Share Posted June 2, 2008 Just an FYI, from a man's perspective, you seem selfish and immature about this, and honestly I would not want to marry or commit to a woman like that either. I think you would be a very bad person to lie and trick him into marrying you! Because he would be marrying someone he doesn't really know! This from a woman's perspective - tell him. My H didn't tell me and tricked me by marrying me then me finding out later about him cheating on me over and over while dating. It destroyed me. I was so mad at having married him and bought a home together just to find all this out and have to divorce him. He could have walked away from me and I could have kept the home I bought myself (which I could afford alone) instead of selling it and buying a much bigger home for us. Now with the housing market sucking - this place will never sell! I also think by telling him, he would more likely be inclined to to forgive and move forward. My H didn't tell, I had to find out, so then I always wondered what else is he hiding? Link to post Share on other sites
Untouchable_Fire Posted June 2, 2008 Share Posted June 2, 2008 Yes..I agree. She is definately in a tight spot. This is one of those situations where your moral character is put to the test. I believe she will tell him. I follow your posts too Untouchable..we think along the same lines. Cloudie (no pun intended) I truly wish you the best of luck Very true! I also believe that she will ultimately do the right thing and be truthful. Cloudie you have my best wishes as well! I hope things turn out for the best! Link to post Share on other sites
twice_shy Posted June 2, 2008 Share Posted June 2, 2008 What do I do? Last night I drank (too much) and hooked up with a girl as a joke in front of 2 guys, a bad idea to begin with. Then one of the guys started making out with me and we went onto my bed and started to have sex. We both have significant others (he has a girlfriend who lives with him and I have a boyfriend). We stopped and both realized we couldn’t and shouldn’t do that and he left, but I feel HORRIBLE. The thing is none of my friends know about it, he lives over an hour away and my boyfriend lives in another state, I want to tell him to make myself feel better, but I know no good is going to come of it. We have been dating a long time and I want to be engaged to him Well gee, apparantly you couldn't have wanted to be engaged with him too bad to go into another room with a guy and start the proceedings of shagging. and I know this hook up is largely because he refuses to move our relationship forward and that has started to really get to me as all my friends are getting engaged. Ah, so you are saying this is your bf's fault? Typical. I know that is a really bad reason to cheat and I should never have done this. I feel like the worst person in the world. All I could think about this morning was how stupid I am and how much I love my boyfriend and that I should never have done this. You can't love him like you say and so easily let another guy jump you. Do you think it is ok if I live with my guilty conscious and don’t tell him? No, but something tells me you won't tell him. People will say that your guilt is punishment enough. Well something tells me that you can live with the guilt a hell of alot better than mustering up the intestinal fortitude and coming clean. I’m so disappointed in myself right now. Because my boyfriend and I already have such a distant relationship and I am not even going to see him for over a week I just don’t feel like it would be a good idea to tell him. It is a good idea to tell him. Otherwise you are already starting your R out with him with a lie. He needs to be aware of what you are capable of so he can make his own decision whether he can forgive you for that or not. And if somehow he finds out later, there will be hell to pay. I know honesty is the best policy but I feel like you can’t get over something like this when you are a hundred miles from the person and aren’t going to see them on a regular basis. So tell and risk breaking up? Yes, in my opinion you should tell him. A R is built on trust and honesty. If you don't come clean, you are not honest and he is blindly trusting someone that cheated on him. Therefore you will allow him to unkowingly play a fool if you don't tell him. Or just never talk to the guy again and keep my mouth shut? I feel like a big idiot and wish I could take last night back. This was so stupid and not worth this! If you don't come clean, then there will be no lesson learned. As long as this is still a long distance relationship, you will more than likely be doomed to repeat your actions....especially if you are a partier. Partying and relationships don't mix. Link to post Share on other sites
twice_shy Posted June 2, 2008 Share Posted June 2, 2008 You are now in a very difficult situation. You can tell him, beg forgiveness and hope he doesn't turf you out of his life or you can try and keep it a secret and live with the shame and guilt. Either way you are in a mess. If he finds out later in the relationship it could be worse. . Exactly, like my situation....finding out years later AFTER we were married and had kids. And by not telling me, she never learned her lesson and had a couple more flings during marriage. She didn't think I'd ever find out she cheated during our engagement, but 7 years later, I did. And it was much worse because my kids' lives were turned upside down because of it. Link to post Share on other sites
twice_shy Posted June 2, 2008 Share Posted June 2, 2008 I agree with Ariadne.. My only advice.. stop drinking if you can't control yourself.. Drinking isn't the problem. All being drunk does is bring out one's true character. In this case, it just lowered her inhibitions to do something she really wanted to do...just didn't have the guts to do it while sober. Case in point, I take it she was sober when writing her post, and she tried to blame her actions on him. Link to post Share on other sites
twice_shy Posted June 2, 2008 Share Posted June 2, 2008 No..no.. don't listen to people who tell you to tell ... it's not always the right thing to do... No, don't listen to someone that doesn't know a thing about it. I have experience with the "no tell" scenario. And I can tell you it was NOT good to keep it from me. It only made matters worse down the road when other people were involved, and in that I mean my kids. I've done mistakes and I never told.. big deal.. I completely forgot about it.. it didn't eat me alive.. Boom, right there says it all..."it didn't eat me alive". Therefore Lizzie is suggesting you take the easy way out and keep this lie and betrayal from your boyfriend. come on people.. relax.. she didn't kill anyone.. geeezzzz.... her bf might not feel the same way. It might feel to him like she did kill him. Link to post Share on other sites
twice_shy Posted June 2, 2008 Share Posted June 2, 2008 Well, when she was making out maybe she had fun. And this is one reason alone not to listen to Ariadne. Link to post Share on other sites
twice_shy Posted June 2, 2008 Share Posted June 2, 2008 I don't get it with people... some people just seem to get some type of sick pleasure to see other people destroying their relationship.. No, thats what she basically did when she cheated. Link to post Share on other sites
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