...Do they ever realize what they lost?...

[XxBacktoBlackXx]

I know this varies for every person but in regards to the relationship with my EX and I, I gave so much and he told me that compared to his other relationships, I made him feel extremely loved and honored. He said his other girlfriends were good but they were a 4 on the scale of how well they treated him and I surpassed a 10. He said that he could only hope he treated me half as well as I treated him, since I took care of him so well. I know he was not bull-****ting because I gave him my all. I know that he has never loved anyone in the way that he's loved me...he's told me that repeatedly.

 

I am moving on and getting on with my life. I am learning to be an independant woman. I'm looking into getting my own apartment and am getting my schooling taken care of. I think the ending of this relationship was for the best. Things started unravelling for us once his friends got back from their college breaks for summer. He paid so much time playing video games and watching the playoffs with them and neglected me. When I drove to his house to have a conversation about it, we broke up. He said this is the way it is during the summer and told me he wasn't interested in my world, only me. He assumed we would stay friends but two days ago, I sent him an E-Mail telling him I could never be friends with him and that I wished him well with his future. He is an aspiring screenwriter so he has been waiting on word back from a potential job but last I talked to him, it fell through but will have something lined up in the future. My E-Mail was very mature. I sent it because he kept contacting me, even though prior I told him I would need at least 4 months - a year to be friends. Finally, I decided to make my own terms and told him I never wanted to be friends with him as it would never work out. He made the assumption that I would always be in his life and now I put that assumption to rest.

 

I am wondering, if in the future people ever realize what they lost by being too selfish and too self-centered to appreciate how good they have it. He was still in love with me when we broke up and I was with him, but I have to admit that this situation makes my love slowly fall away. Do you think in the future once his friends leave to go to school (he doesn't go to college and doesn't have a job), he will realize what he lost since I am completely out of his life? I don't wanna' be in his life again, but there is a part of me that wants him to feel that.

[0hpenelope]

Maybe. We think it's a loss. But to them? It might be a gain.

 

I used to wonder if Lawrence will realize what he has lost. I've wondered less about it. It's a waste of my time and it just hurts when I think about it. I can use my brain power and my efforts on something more productive than "I wonder if-"

 

He threw me away. He wanted me gone.

So I'm staying gone.

[LikeCharlotte]

He threw me away. He wanted me gone.

So I'm staying gone.

That is the truth. It can be hard to face but the sooner you accept it the faster you will heal.

I was where you both are not long ago and at some point my "what if's" became well wishes. I hope my ex does look at what happened and reflect for his own sake. Maybe he can avoid the same mistake in the future and learn that there is no map for love. Maybe he won't throw away someone who is right again just because he has an idea of how things "should be". I wish him well but I doubt he has the kind of emotional strength (right now) it takes to face what he has done.

 

As for myself I swallowed the truth like an anvil and it has taken some time to heal. I'm glad I didn't hold onto any hope. He doesn't want me. I will find someone new.

[Exl]

I am wondering, if in the future people ever realize what they lost by being too selfish and too self-centered to appreciate how good they have it.

 

I think everyone looks back at their life often, and if you did him that good he will. I often find myself thinking about past relationships and what good they brought me.

 

I hope my ex realizes that. In fact, I KNOW she will. I've told her that I think she will. The only "if" is will she realize it in time. She is probably thinking of it already. I've been such a life force, guiding hand and loving beacon in her life that she won't be able to look at many quadrants of her life without missing me not being there anymore and reconsider what made her even dare to fall out love for such a great guy I know I've been for her. She just took me for granted at some time.

 

But unlike you... While sometimes I may think or say otherwise, I want her back, and honestly hope this "break" is doing what it is supposed to and let her have the time and space to set her mind straight and that she will survive the temptation to take the easy way out and break our commitment not to see other people in the meantime. But won't ever take her back unconditionally, and definitely won't be waiting forever or that she makes a mistake that will drive her back to me. She would have to work very hard to make up for all she did wrong and how she neglected me until I simply couldn't take it anymore.

 

She was selfish and self-centered, and I know that deep down she knows that and it will trouble her for a long time. At some point I was only around for slapping stick or to listen to her babble about all that was wrong in her life and didn't even realize she had a part to do in the relationship anymore. She stopped making me feel loved just because she was too worried looking at everything else, because I was simply there anyway and she knew it.

 

Now let's hope the everything else at reach doesn't tempt her enough to temporarily forget about me and definitely make it just too late. She's playing with fire.

[Lizzie60]

sometimes they realize it.. they KNOW that they are loosing in ONE department but they're gaining in another one..

 

ie: my last ex.. he always told me I was the woman he loved the most in his life.. that the sex was the greatest.. then I left him.. he is now married to a woman who is the same age as my daughter (he was 12 yrs younger than me).. I know she's not as good in bed.. (he told me, apparently she sucks (no pun)) but she compensates on many other aspects...

 

I know she's the woman for him... they complete each other very well.

 

so it really depends.. not one person is the same.

[Template]

I think it's a little bit of ego that drives us to ask this type of question. In any relationship, I've always given it my all, and I KNOW that in many facets of the relationship I've provided things that will always be better than what others will be able to provide. However, as time goes on, a person will recognize it. What you given your ex at the time you broke up obviously wasn't top priority in his mind. In time, he will appreciate what you have given him, and it will be what he wants. He may want to look you up, or at the very least lament on what he had; but you know what - you won't be that same person any more. You'll be better. You'll be able to offer more or different things, and chances are, it will already be offered to someone else.

 

What happened in the past we cannot control, the future, is a whole entirely different matter.

[kizik]

The reason people left us in the FIRST place is because they could not see how much we cared and sacrificed for them. They were concerned with their own selves to the point where they were blinded to others. So to answer your question, NO, they will not realize what they lost, b/c they couldn't even see it in the first place.

[Exl]

Now you're the one being too harsh. While it may happen some people will never realize because of what you mentioned or other factors, some others will. At the very least they'll miss stuff they had with you, even if it doesn't mean much within the new setting.

 

I know for a fact that my ex-gf will know it. She's just immature, but as soon as her head cools down, she'll realize what she's lost. I am very sure because she'll have to handle it in pretty much everything she does and there is some stuff that anyone else will be able to match. And I am not being cocky. It IS true. She'll find it soon enough. I have a particular "status" (if you can call it that way) within our particular and common interest range that gives me privileges no one else in the country has and which I gladly shared often with her without ever wanting anything back, just because she was my other half. I'm pretty much considered a VIP on some circles because of my line of work. She has experienced amazing things that she never would've done on her own such as meeting some of her idols and sharing my VIP treatment pretty much everywhere we went, and I've also provided her with some privileges that'll help her future career that she wouldn't (and won't) get otherwise. She'll miss me even by living her own life, as there'll be always that shadow hanging over her (she's ambitious enough to miss it) everytime she is on one of those situations (which happen often). Not that I want her missing me for that. That'd be shallow.

 

besides those "special" benefits, there's a lot more she'll miss. I must've been the only person who actually gave her a gift a couple of hours before I broke up with her, without any intentions, just because I did it whenever I had the chance and coincidentally I happened to have something that day (and I knew I was probably breaking up with her). And I often (more than once a week) popped up with a chocolate bar on my pocket just for her, dinner, or even just a sundae I'd pick up on the way or a number of random small gifts. Just because I felt like it. Or once she got scared to death with some sound on the upper floor and locked herself on the room and texted me, I ran to her place at 5AM just to check it out and face whatever needed to be faced. Or whenever she'd give up on something because it was too difficult, I'd pick it up and help her finish. Everytime she needed help doing something I'd be helping her even if in most cases - or some - I probably shouldn't even care because it had nothing to do with me, but I'd gladly help. While I'm not rich - on the contrary - I always found way of being a giving person (within my possibilities). I can't remember the amount of completely odd things I did, just because I wanted to make her feel well. Almost any guy will do some of the things I did for her.

 

I just know I've been one-in-a-million even while I was already aching from her growing distance. I know that even on that time I did make a difference more than a handful of times. I always kept a smile on my face when needed. Unfortunately, on the bad side, I think I was a major part of her balance. Now she's lost it.

 

Basically, she has no other chance other than realize what she's lost. It'll happen.

 

Perhaps my only mistake was to have been too good of a boyfriend. Which happens too. And with her condition (Passive Aggressive) as a catalyst it probably made her feel suffocated, to some point. Also because of my status she may have felt she lost some individual identity (to the world, she was my girlfriend, not the way around, although she was always treated as my equal - I made sure of it) and couldn't handle it. Maybe she just felt too dependent. Maybe the "time" we're taking will make her rethink things more clearly (and realizing what she's lost) and notice I wasn't there for control but for love alone. If it's not too late.

 

On the other hand, she may have only been with me because of all of it. But I refuse to believe that - been there done that before and it sucked -. I genuinely felt that she loved me for the most part of our relationship. Even when things weren't totally right at some times I'd just read it in her eyes, no matter how faint it was or drowned into her own sorrow. Only a couple of weeks before we broke up she did something that surprised me. A surprise (private) party for my b-day that due to the circunstances at the moment (we did break up anyway and it was coming), I did overlook and would probably have been one hell of a good memory, while not a turning point per se. Now that I think of it, it was very honest and caring of her. But when things are feeling wrong, not even the good moments can make up for it... Sadly.

 

She's just too proud and stubborn and will probably not even admit missing me (or anything, for that matter). However, she would surprise me if she did.

[borelandkaren]

No they don't and if you've got NC you'll never find out so you're better off not thinking about it. Why torture yourself? I realise that we all wonder but what's the point? (I'm having a "good" day today! Ask me 2moro!)

[alphabetsoup13]

The sad reality is that they probably won't. Especially if they've moved on. They've found something better and more convenient and who can blame them for not remembering what they had.

 

If they do start to miss you it will probably be as a friend, but nothing more.

[borelandkaren]

[

 

If they do start to miss you it will probably be as a friend, but nothing more.

 

 

Or as a **** if you were particularly good at it!

[XxBacktoBlackXx]

BorelandKaren, :lmao:! You are seriously cracking me up! Hahaha! I'm glad you can have a sense of humor about all of this! I guess it's better to be realistic and assume the worst!

[sunshinegirl]

While I'd like to think my ex will realize what he threw away, I sort of doubt he will. He wasn't in love with me, he cheated on me, he's screwing someone new.

 

At best, he may feel guilty for having treated me so badly in the end and for being such a lying hypocrite. I know he likes to think of himself as a "good guy" but what he did just blows to smithereens that self-image.

 

My wish at this point is that one day he will offer me a sincere apology for having been such an asshat. I further hope that when he does, I will be happily coupled with an emotionally available, wonderful man who adores me, while he struggles through a series of unfulfilling relationships, never really achieving true happiness or intimacy because he's never faced his own issues.

[Trialbyfire]

You know what? That's just ego talking, when you wonder if they regret their loss. I know it is because I catch myself feeling that way too.

 

When this happens, I shut it down. It doesn't do you any good to wonder what they think and more times than not, you're off the mark anyways. The best way to take steps towards moving on is to stop caring about what they think and feel. It's a conscious sometimes herculean effort but it can be done.

[orangehose]

It's a question that has certainly bothered me as a dumpee, though I agree / understand how it is ultimately the ego speaking.

 

If a person isn't able to appreciate your amazingness, well then they shouldn't be with you, and you should be with someone who CAN. Some people can't appreciate Beethoven or Picasso, and die being unable to appreciate them, but it doesn't mean that those aren't great works of art... Just as it doesn't mean you aren't awesome even if your ex doesn't regret the breakup.

 

In terms of regret, though - sometimes it can occur YEARs after a breakup, after an individual has had other dating / relationship experiences. I have friends who have rather revised views of certain exes after years have passed. This hasn't happened to me, although I do think a little more highly of my first ex after the jerk-behavior of the second. It hasn't made me want back my first ex or regret the end of that relationship, however, because I was pretty miserable in it.

 

Anyway, point being, it's POSSIBLE the exes will miss us, and only human to hope they spend every night withering away in regret, however unlikely it is. Ultimately though, the best thing is to not care about what they're feeling.

[sid3]

the best thing is to not care about what they're feeling.

True statement.

[motive2002]

Do we realize what we've lost? Sometimes, but not all the time.

I'd be lying if I said I never broke up with someone. broke their heart into a million pieces. I've been on the other side of the fence. Some I regretted, others I haven't.

 

I broke up with my previous girlfriend (the one before the current one that dumped me). I don't regret it. my mind was made up by the time I did it. I was as honest and straightforward with her as possible, even if what I had to say hurt, so I still felt like I could sleep at night, but it wasn't easy.

 

Looking back I still feel like I made the right decision. I didn't suddenly become overwhelmed with regret and want that person back. It ended and I was looking forward. Of course I didn't have another serious relationship for years, and didn't have "one on the line" when I broke it off either. It's not always that way.

 

I am fortunate to have this perspective to draw from when it concerns my recent break-up. Chances are she's not going to regret her decision. She's moving forward with her own life without me, which is fine and normal behavior. It hurts like hell, but I have to accept it. I have no other choice.

[borelandkaren]

BorelandKaren, :lmao:! You are seriously cracking me up! Hahaha! I'm glad you can have a sense of humor about all of this! I guess it's better to be realistic and assume the worst!

 

Darlin, it's been 3 months and I think about him all day, every day, without respite. I love him to absolute distraction, can think of nothing else. I think about what others say about going out on dates and just think......there's no-one else in this world who I'll ever look at this way again. Obsessive? Yes! Over it? No! Honest? Yes! Everything takes YOUR amount of time. He will be a hard act to follow and I honestly don't know if I can be ****ed looking. I NEED A SENSE OF HUMOUR!!!!! And with that all said, I do know that in 12 months, I'll feel very differently than I do today. If I don't, I'll be seriously questioning my headspace.

[traveller991]

Sometimes, I have recently learned, they Do regret it.

 

Two weeks ago I was having a barbeque and my phone rang. It was the ex-ex-ex. with whom I have had absoluely no conact since our breakup.

 

He called to apologize for the way he had treaed me. He said I was the best thing ever in his life, that he had been a complete ***hole to me during our relationship, regretted everything, wanted to make it all up to me, etc. etc.

 

The punchline?

 

It took him FOURTEEN YEARS to make the call.

 

So I guess it does happen.

[sedgwick]

I am so happy I've never broken anyone's heart. I'm so glad I don't have to have that on my conscience. Yeah, I've been dumped a million times, but at least I've never done it to anyone else.

[ioncebelieved]

Obsessive? Yes! Over it? No! Honest? Yes! Everything takes YOUR amount of time.

Oh, how I know the feeling!!!!!

 

Not to hijack thread, but for me, having the question, "Do they realize what they lost ever?" is about the only damn thing I have left! I guess when I stop thinking about does she realize what she has lost, then I will be over her for good!

 

Borelandkaren, right there beside you with your thoughts and feelings!!!

[Lookingforward]

Sometimes, I have recently learned, they Do regret it.

 

Two weeks ago I was having a barbeque and my phone rang. It was the ex-ex-ex. with whom I have had absoluely no conact since our breakup.

 

He called to apologize for the way he had treaed me. He said I was the best thing ever in his life, that he had been a complete ***hole to me during our relationship, regretted everything, wanted to make it all up to me, etc. etc.

 

The punchline?

 

It took him FOURTEEN YEARS to make the call.

 

So I guess it does happen.

 

 

AAAAAAAARGHHH - 14 years - so what's up ? He get religion or therapy or something ?

[Nevermind]

Maybe. See...I had a therapy lesson today as well, and just miss the ex like crazy.

 

AAAAAAH.

 

Well, maybe in 14 years...I'll get a call.

[sunshinegirl]

My first love seriously screwed me over emotionally and mentally. He gaslighted me, convinced me I was screwed up and needed counseling, blamed me for why we didn't work... it was awful awful awful.

 

For a number of years after that, I LONGED for him to realize how hurtful he'd been and to apologize to me, to recognize what he had done. I never got that apology and never got the satisfaction that he realized what he'd lost.

 

But two things happened to help me release that wish. (1) he came out as gay - which to me was ample karmic payback, not because of being gay but because he experienced more pain and difficulty coming to terms with himself than I could ever exacted through any of my revenge fantasies. He's in a much better place emotionally now, which I'm glad for, but I also feel like he did ultimately 'get his due' for having messed me up so badly. (2) with lots of time and distance, I came to the point of wondering why on earth I had been so in love with him in the first place. We had lunch a few years later and I remember thinking how glad I was to not have him in my life anymore, in any capacity. He was as annoying and anal as ever, and I felt a very sincere 'good riddance' after the lunch.

 

I guess I say that just to offer up the view that eventually you probably won't care, AT ALL, whether this person misses you or regrets anything.

 

Now, if only I could believe that about my current ex.

[ioncebelieved]

 

 

 

I guess I say that just to offer up the view that eventually you probably won't care, AT ALL, whether this person misses you or regrets anything.

 

Very well said, but what do you do in the meantime? I will be glad when I can get to this point!! Unfortunately, I still care what I meant and like I stated when I do not care anymore... I then will know I am over it.