Obsessed with boyfriend's Ex-girlfriend!!!!

[gtmo4now]

my fiance has cheated on me 4 times and over the past year and a half, she has been down right nasty to me, she got pregnant by another guy, and i have decided to raise this child as one of my own, this will be my first and her first. ihave not been there through any of this pregancy because of a deployement. and alot of what is going on she seems to blame on me, she left me when i ws on my way going over seas for another guy, and then she came back and left me again and then came back, while we were broke up i did meet someone else, and yes i slept with her and a couple other girls, we were not together and she still decides to throw it up in my face every chance that she gets, i have been faitful to her when we were together, actually dating, but when she would leave me while i was here i was liek to hell with it why shoul di care any more. then she would coe back. she is afraid of this other girl and i dont' knwo why, she was afraid of my ex fiance at one time, she is very jealous and she knows it, she won't let me drink at all, if i go somewhere i get 20 questions on if i talked to her or not, and yes she gets the same thing, but not once did i sleep with someone else while me and her were together, she would leave and ididn't give a **** cause she would say i want to see other people or i need time to think. is it jsut me or am i dumb, or out right stupid. and if you wold read carefully you would see that my fiance has wrote about me, i am the one that is deployed right now, and she never gave the whole story, she didnt' want to seem like an ass when she never said that we have been off and on for them 9 months and that she got pregnant while we were together. i am the one int he army, stationed in cuba.

[my_mother's_daughter]

Aha, now it becomes clear, so your fiancee appears to not be so upset at the act of indiscretion because she is guilty of the same thing... If this is indeed the case, then your fiancee hasn't posted even half of the story here.

 

Sounds like you two have a pretty unstable relationship, and one which the law of averages may well dictate is unlikely to last. Is a relatonship (nay, a family) built on lies, mistrust and deceit what you both want? As much as your fiancee must admit her mistakes, you have to accept that you can get over them... Will you really be able to accept and love a child born out of infidelity as your own? Are you absolutely sure?

 

You need to ask yourself, do you want to continue the relationship because of:

 

1) A sense of responsibility or sympathy for your fiancee and her 'situation' or;

2) Because you want to, and believe you can both make the changes necessary for your relationship to survive?

 

Think carefully about which of these reasons is the real one, because one of them makes more sense to me than the other.

 

xx

[usaf718]

My b/f and i have been dating for 2 years. He's been the greatest and only guy that i've felt really loved me. He broke up with his ex about a year b4 we met and though i think it was a mutual breakup, it stemmed from her not calling him anymore and basically acting as if they'd broken up already. She first showed up in june at his friends graduation party. Apparently his friends remained friendly with her post breakup. After sitting 5 ft from her for several hours, after she left i asked who she was and was told his ex. I was kind of embarassed/shocked/angry that he or none of his other friends told me. I was the only one in the room who was oblivious. About a month later, at a barbecue my b/f mentioned talking to her online and how she's moving/job/car, summary of her life. I found it strange that his friend who's party she attended had not heard any of this information. Each time i get angry i tell my b/f and try to make him understand, and he always says i shouldn't be jealous.

 

Several weeks ago she again showed up at a bbq and then invited everyone back to her house for a swim. No one had suits, and my b/f told me that its ok b/c they keep extras in the cabana. I did not want to seem unreasonable, so i said fine, i'll go. Luckily there was not enough interest from the group. again i was angry for being put into the situation, and quite possibly into the exs bathing suit, but let go of it after a few days.

 

This past weekend the ex showed up once again, this time at a bar with his friends. I was uncomfortable from the beginning, but did not want to alienate him from his friends. A game of keep away came about because they were fighting over a karaoke slip, and she pretty much mounted him grabbing every part of his body supposedly trying to get back this slip. It was his fault for starting the incident to begin with, and not telling her to get off of him. This went on long enough for me to sarcastically remark about it, about 2 minutes and finally it subsided. After that I was so enraged that I couldnt do anything but demand we leave. Having been in the car for barely 5 minutes, his phone was ringing and i assumed it was her. He didnt answer it, but it was his friends cell number. The next day i found out it was her calling to apologize to him which i think is bs. she had to assume calling him would only fuel the fire. We've been fighting about it for 2 days now, and i dont know what to do.

 

The ex is showing up more and more, and in 2 years of dating my b/f, she was never mentioned b4 this june. She's rich, has a cabana that apparently stocks bathing suits, and feels she has the right to mount my b/f in front of me. Supposedly she has a b/f although i think she wants mine. how can i possibly fix things??

[my_mother's_daughter]

This one is a bit different, most of the other posters are obsessed with women from a relationship which in most cases is dead and buried. You have the ex in your face!!! Also, the situations you describe would certainly make me very uncomfortable and unhappy and I don't feel you are in any way wrong to feel the way you do. (Playing *Devil's Advocate* I could of course say that maybe your recollection of events is somewhat distorted due to your position within the whole thing - but even so, the events themselves flash like warning signs to me.)

 

i was angry for being put into the situation, and quite possibly into the exs bathing suit.

 

Oh, I hear you..... I would flip.

 

In this particular situation, I believe that you have communicated your feelings fully and often to your boyfriend and still these incidents keep occuring. I do believe it may be ultimatum time. Confronting the ex-gf would be a bad idea, if she is up to what we think she's up to, then she will just see it as a minor victory.

 

Just my opinion, but if it was me and this continued, I would advise your boyfriend to put a stop to it (after all sounds like he's part of the problem too...) If after this it continues and you can't cope with it, then don't put yourself through any more heartache, if you understand what I'm saying.

[usaf718]

My b/f and I have been fighting about this for days. I call it fighting but he calls it me yelling and him saying he's sorry. He said that the incident at the bar was completely unexpected, which is why he didn't react well. He also said the ex was drunk which I outright said in no way helps his argument. Like it makes it better if a drunk ex is climbing on my man.

 

I think I can get over the fact that it happened, but his friends keep inviting her places. I only see him 1 weeknight and on weekends b/c of school/work. Knowing she might start to get to see him on weeknights when he sees his friends makes me crazy. I think I'm in a position now to request that if she's there, he has to leave, but there's always the chance that he won't. I don't want him to resent me for not being able to hangout with his friends. The ex is for some reason popular with his friends, which I especially am not which also bothers me.

 

I told him that I can deal with him talking to her when we're out but not touching him AT ALL. He claims he'll punch her in the face if she touches him. This I would personally pay to see, but at the very least it should never get to the same point as it did last time.

 

For now we're working things out, but one night when we were arguing he started ranting about how he's not ready for marriage and just wants to hang out and be happy. I later asked him if this meant he wanted to take a step back, even though we've never realistically discussed marriage. Because of our age we agree marriage is at least 5 years away. He said he's happy being with me, and even though I never mentioned marriage it scares him sometimes b/c he knows several people who are engaged.

 

Back to the ex problem though. I'm almost positive she'll resurface this weekend and I don't know how to handle it. He crossed the line so I can again demand we leave, or tell him not to talk to her. Also, I mentioned last time that she called to "apologize" after we left that night. How should i respond if she puts her so called apology to me?

[Missy122]

ok well im having kind of the same problem as you all are, but i think mine is beyond obsessiveness,its reached the point of makind me crazy.I have been with a girl(im gay) for 2 years.i never though i would be "gay either",but ive had a crazy life ever since i was a child.and i think thats led to it,like i never had parents ,just an abusive grandpa thats always made me feel like im not good enough.i was prom queen,ive won plenty of beauty pageants,i curently model,and still feel im worth nothing.so i guess thats why i fixate on my girlfreinds ex,see we had been together for a year and 3 months and suddenly she told me she found someone else,i was devastated.she left me for a whole month, and one day called me and told me she wanted to be with me again?i was confused?did she want me back because she missed me and loved me, as i did her, or because things didnt wk out between her and "nicole"(the girl she left me for),everyone tells me she fell in love with her,but that girl was still seeing her ex boyfriend,so my girlfreind decided just to come back tome,wheres shes safe.i dont know which to believe,i love my girlfreind to death,and couldnt except the fact,she was attracted to someone else in the first place?ive never had anything to be honest,except my looks,ppl have always praised me and gave me attention for that,so i feel thats all i have,and then to have someont dump me for someone else makes me feel im not pretty enough,good enough.i know its stupid,but i obsess over that girlnow.i even call her and hang up when she answers?sometimes i find myself wearing what she wears,and my girlfreinds getting the hang of it,everytime we fight i bring her up,its crazy ...i need help...desperatly...if anyone understands the way i feel,please reply...missy

[usaf718]

missy,

I'm not sure I fully understand your situation, but first off if you can feel so strongly about your g/f, i think right off the bat you've got more going for you than your looks. If this girl that the ex was with during your break is still in her life at all, i don't think you'll ever be happy. If the ex is constantly on your mind, just b/c your obsessing you have to let it go if you want to trust your partner again.

 

Sometimes I see couples and know the guy is cheating and the girl thinks things are wonderful. I usually think the girl is an idiot for not seeing it, but happiness is happiness right?? Who am I to judge? Don't try to be the ex, assume your girl came back to be with YOU. If she didn't you should dump her and take time to yourself to work on your self-esteem.

 

Most people will only respect you as much as you respect yourself. If for some reason you still feel like the rest of the world is better, do things to improve yourself (not that you need to) as a person. Volunteer work might be a good idea.

[Missy122]

usaf,

thank you so much for ur help.right now i think thats exactly what i need,some sort of self esteem boost.i dont know.imtrying to start focusing on me rather than "her"(the ex...cuz i ask myself well who is she with?me!so that makes me feel better but to be honest, i dont think she would be with me if that other gurl wanted her back,i feel like im just her last choice,or im more like her comfort zone, u know?like she doesnt love me but shes comfy with me,and doesnt wanna bother having to go thru the trouble,of meeting someone,and all that stuff.i wish i would get over her ex tho'.....i osess on her way too much,i tried telling my girlfreind about that, and i go"i think its so crazy the way i obsess over her,like i wanna be just like her so u can like me like u did her,but i dont know why i mean u have a girlfreind and she has a boyfreind"and my girlfreind was all "what!she has a boyfreind, i though she was gay?"she started to get really bothered that she had a boyfreind,but tried not to make it obvious,which hurts me so bad.i wanna leave her reaaly bad so she'll stop hurting me,but its like ive never really had anyone in my life,so the min. i do i obsess over them,and when im not with her,im like the pyscho ex,in feel i need her,its really hard for me to let her go..but hopefully now that im in college,paying more attn, to my grades,i wont focus on her nor her ex anymore,i hope i can get thru this, i really do. thanks for all your alls help.

[LindaLou]

Yup...I'm not alone. I knew I couldn't be.

 

I've actually gathered up all her old pictures and notes that he keeps and tore them up... I still keep one to obsess over but I'm getting to the point where I need to throw that away too. He tells me over and over that he doesn't care about her but she calls....him at work, in the middle of the night, before we go away for the weekend, after we come back...

 

 

I want to call her and tell her how she's making me feel because he says I'm the one... I want to tell her that he's never visiting her again and the bad things he says about her. He says I'll just make it worse. I do know where she works but luckily she's in another state or I might just pay her a visit.

 

 

This happens in every relationship I'm in once I find the pictures. His friends don't like her and she isn't friends with his group.

 

 

She just eats at me....

 

 

It's gotten better though. We've hashed it out a million times and after her last crying episode on the voice mail...I told him he has to cut off the contact. I hate to be so controlling. He said he doesn't care about her and I keep telling myself that.

 

Will this go away???

 

I really want to contact her but then I think I will look like the fool.

[helpme]

I'm so relieved to know that I am not the only feeling this way. I have been with my boyfriend over 2 years. He had dated his ex for about 3 years, until she broke his heart and basically cheated on him. We met a year later, and it really seemed like he was still in love with her. She was his first everything. He is a very sensitive quiet kind of guy, and she was a very aggressive kind of girl. They remained friends after the breakup. In fact, they had still been talking and he even slept with her when we had already began talking. (we were not exclusive at this point, and i had hooked up with other guys too, so at the time -it didn't phase me).

 

He claims that he finally realized what kind of person she is, and then a few months later fell in love with me. I had always felt insecure about the start of our relationship. He still kept all her pictures and they still conversed, but he said that after we began getting serious, he told her that she had to stop calling and emailing him.

 

Well she didnt take no for an answer and continued pursuing him as if mine and his relationship was just a fling. I told him that he has to tell me when she calls or emails, so that I dont feel like he's doing anything behind my back. I also made him throw out all pictures, poems, anything that had her mark on it. I found out that about a year and half into our relationship he also called her back, and texted her. The worst part is that he lied about it and said that she called him (the only reason i know is because i checked his phone). Why did he lie about it?

 

He says he didnt want to cause any drama over her, since she had already been such a repetitive fight in our relationship. He "claims" he only called her back to figure out why the hell she still feels the need to still rely on him after all this time. My argument was: by you calling her and texting her- you're giving her false hope- and enabling her actions.

 

He just ended up getting defensive and saying that he can't believe that I would get so insecure over someone like her, and without him needing to tell me- I should know that she means nothing to him.

 

It's just so hard to get past this. The fact that he lied was terrible, but why would he feel the need to resolve things with her? And the best part of this whole thing is- he's super jealous with me and other guys! So one would think he'd understand where I'm coming from.

 

If anyone has any advice, I am wide open.

[rebekka]

Hi there

 

I have been with a guy for one and a half years. It is fantastic as he tells me how much he loves me, wanted to move in with me right at the beginning although he is 31 and has never asked anyone to move in with him etc. I feel that his love for me is real. Last month we travelled to New York (we are Swiss) together where he took part in a conference and wanted me with him. And that's where he arranged for us to meet up with his girlfriend, who has been married for a while and has a child. My boyfriend and her broke up many years ago and still it drove me nuts to see them talk together and so on as I know that he loved her a lot. (They were both extremely young and it was one of those crazy relationships with lots of love, sex, experiments etc). To make matters worse we met her and her husband three times when we were in New York as they all do business together. She was quite pretty - I must admit. And to my discontent I felt that my boyfriend was much more interested in her than she was in him. Which doesn't mean that he behaved badly, instead gave me the odd hugs and kisses but he just showed that "responsiveness" as soon as she started talking or got up etc.

 

Therefore, I know EXACTLY what you all feel like. My boyfriend's mother, who lives in England, is moving house and she sent all his very old letters and photos down to Switzerland. Of course I couldn't help but having a look at them ;-) Although they date back to 1994 I can still see how much he adored the girl as the letters are just so passionate, desperate, so much love in them. And that is really painful!

 

I think we will all just have to get over the fact that our bf's (and ourselves) have had a past!

 

All the best!

[pippa]

I really know how you all feel. I have been with my boyfriend for two years and we plan getting married, but I am obsessed with his ex-wife. They were childhood sweethearts and were married for five years before she cheated on him and they broke up. He has forgiven her and they are friends, and that's all. I know he is over her, as he always reassures me he loves me more than he has loved anyone else and that the past is the past and I have nothing to worry about. They are in contact every so often. She is with someone else now too and lives in another state. He rarely speaks about her.

 

I think I am just insecure and constantly wondering how I compare and if I am better etc. My bf knows I do this and has tried to reassure me, but I find I still end up wondering about her, and worrying, and obsessing. My bf says I need to get over it so we can move forward, and I know he's right, but it just is so hard.

 

I am successful and attractive in my own right, so why am I so obsessed and frightened by this ghost from the past? I think I am jealous because they married and were the first love in each other's lives. I would like to have been the first to marry him etc But, in the end, I know that sometimes, with more experience in life, you can experience even deeper love and that he loves me NOW.

 

I guess we all just need to focus on the love in our lives in the present and let the past go.

 

Anyone with any suggestions as to how to do that?

[crazypants]

I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER knowing that there are other girls out there that feel this way too. My boyfriend actually dated one of my old best friends for about a year and a half and to top it off she was a pathological liar and we've had a very messed up friendship. They have been broken up for a year now and we've been together for 9 months. I actually moved out of my home state to be with him. He doesn’t talk to her anymore and has thrown away most of her pictures. But I have found through my endless searching some old conversations he has saved on his computer and a story he was writing about her and flipped out. And I’ve found all these conversations countless times but he still hasn’t deleted them. I can not get past my jealousy. I am obsessed with the fact that he is not over her and that his heart was broken when she broke up with him. And that he loved her more than me and if she didn’t break up with him he’d still want to be with her. I don’t know what to do, I'm so afraid that secretly I’m right and he still thinks about her. It was his first love and they moved in together and did all this big stuff together. Then she broke up with him and I know it was hard for him regardless of what he says. And I am paranoid and wonder if he started to date me to get back at her even though he vehemently denies it. Saying “why would I go to all the trouble of dating someone that lives in another state, if I still had feelings for her I’d try to be with her.” But I think people are more vindictive than that. I know he is still very angry at her for what she did to him and whenever I ask him about her he gets really worked up telling me about what a horrible person she was. It seems like he hasn’t healed from this relationship. What makes me mad is that whenever I ask him these questions I feel like he lies to me and hell i know it's none of my business anyway. But he says that she means absolutely nothing to him now and he’s over her. It’s been a really rocky relationship because of my jealousy. I have no idea what to do or how to get over it. I know that I’m demanding a lot of him by wanting him to be completely over and healed from this old relationship. I don’t know what to do. It seems like the only way I’d ever be able to get over this was if she was never in his life at all but the ironic thing is that if she wasn’t, we never would have met. I’m sure the whole point of things is not the fact that she hurt him or the fact that he is or isn’t over her. It’s that it’s my insecurity. But I want to know everything about them and I’m on this maddening search for answers. I cant stand the fact of him being with someone else or loving someone more. What can I do?

[midori]

Originally posted by crazypants

My boyfriend actually dated one of my old best friends for about a year and a half and to top it off she was a pathological liar and we've had a very messed up friendship.

 

I suspect that part of your problem can be traced back to this. As you observed, people do sometimes do things out of a wish to be vengeful -- and what better way to get back a friend who lies and is messed up than by going off with her recent ex-boyfriend (who was her first love)?

 

In your eyes, is your relationship with him about the two of you, or is it a reaction to her?

 

Maybe I'm wrong, but I can't help but wonder if your insecurity is really masking a wish to defeat her -- which would happen if he actively chose you over her. Since that can't happen, you're stuck wondering and worrying about what would happen if it did come down to a choice. In which case your anxiety is not grounded in anything your boyfriend has done, but in your own wish to prevail over your former friend.

 

Just a thought.

[crazypants]

Wow you are CRAZY good at this stuff. You should go into therapy or something. Like I do feel insanely competitive with her about this and well everything else. And I do want to hurt her because of all the stuff she's done to me. It's like this big battle in my mind and since she wont fight back I guess I fight back for her against myself. All our lives we've been really competitive and she's been underhanded and malicious. She's a certifiable pathological liar but I could never seem to get away from her. I just kept on with the friendship always watching my back. I mean sometimes I'd literally jokingly ask my boyfriend : do I win? : You were RIGHT on! Turned the tables around on me. Phew I got some thinking to do.

[lostforwords]

Hi,

Well Iam an Ex girlfriend who is being harrassed by the new girlfriend..... and I can honestly say after reading some of these posts, I can understand somewhat why she does what she does. I have no beefs with her despite everything she has said or done... I do somewhat feel sorry for her because quite honestly I dont know the reasons why she does what she does... I mean it may even be him with "insensitive" comments but somehow I doubt that. l have contact with his family as his sister and I are best friends (like sisters.) But in no way do we engage in anything that has to do with her as she is part of the family as well.

 

It has been almost 3 years that we split up as well as almost 3 years that they have been together to just let you know of the time frame. Yes at first I was upset that he found another because I did still love him, but as the saying goes time heals everything and it has. I have moved on in my life and have overlooked a lot of things which she has said and done to try and hurt me or lash out at me. At first I would reply back but after the first year it got me know where and it was getting very old. And it still is.... yes you read right..... it still continues to this day..... the nasty comments, digs, and yeh she had even gone as far as get my password to my webpage my email, and prfile on yahoo and had maliciously said some horrible things about me. Like I said the first year Yes I did retaliate back but unfortunately it made things worse for myself. It gets to the point where I am the topic on her profiles or webpages she has. She makes very snide comments about me or calls me names.

 

I couldnt tell you how many times I have reassured her Iam in no means a threat to her as I live 2000 miles away.... I have no interest in my ex and never will have interest. I am however very saddened over the fact that this pettiness that she does with me has not ended, and quite frankly I dont think it ever will, unless perhaps im six feet under. When I update my profile on yahoo I have to be very careful what I say and I try not to put stuff in there that she may take the wrong way or offend her. For some reason she thinks the whole universe should revolve around just her... How crappy is that? That I cant even put what I want on my webpage or my profiles. As you can tell Im very frustrated and I do know she is only trying to instigate a huge battle but I just wont do it. My ex has emailed me recently apologizing about looking at my webpage... (I had no idea that he even was) as well he asked that I do not look at theirs... well I was looking at thiers as they have pictures of the family on there.. but quite honestly I really didnt think it would have caused the problems it has. And since he has asked me to not do this, I have stopped and I replied to his email apologizing for any conflicts it has caused.

 

So as you can see Im very amicable about this. However it has not stopped them from looking at mine.... and the crappy comments made about me or name calling has just recently gotten worse... perhaps because she doesnot see my ISP on her webpage and realizes that I have kept my end of the deal. I just dont know what to think or understand. At one point I might add she did send my cousin a wedding "update" that mentioned my actual address (i didnt know it at the time but thats when she gained access to my email which had my resumes in there with my house address and phone etc...) she made comments about anthrax as well as at that time the states had all those anthrax scares... and so on and so on.... Im not on here to bitch or whine or even slam her.... Im trying to help you understand in hopes you will help me to understand what she is going through and maybe what to expect next.

 

I couldnt be more "out of the picture" anymore than I already am.

[chiva]

Hi...I am in the same situation. My bf and I have been together for about a year. We were friends for about 2 years before we started dating. We work together and became close by talking about our relationship problems. I had a bf and he had a gf when we met. I broke up with my bf about a year and half ago. Although he was still with his gf he started to try to go out with me. At first I said your in a relationship and there is no way I can go out with you until you break it off. He said it was over with her and he really wanted to be with me. So we started dating and he broke it off with her for good. We have been in a great relationship and really love eachother alot. He does not talk to her keep in contact except he still owes her money that he pays every month. He has never given me a reason to think that he still has feelings for her, but I can't get her off my mind lately. He made a comment to me one day that people used to say that they would have beautiful kids togehter and ever since then I have felt like I am in competition. She is not very attractive and had a horrible personality. I can't figure ouit why I am so insecure about her. I always have a thought in the back of my mind that he still talks to her even though I know he does not. He loves me so much and believe me he does everything in the world to show me and his actions really do show it. I love him so much and I don't want this to come between us and I know it will if I can not stop obsessing over it. I hate the fact that she does not know were together but he says she is psycho and would only try to cause problems and it is best just left alone. His money that he owes will paid off my december so then there will be no more reasons for any contact, but does anyone have any insight to this or know of anyway for me to get over these feelings? I have told my bf all about that way I feel and he is trying to work through this with me.

[julieg]

my ex who i broke it off with tried to rekindle things right up to a few months prior to him getting married to his current wife. i know that she had no clue that he was contacting me either. i refused to go there and am glad that i stayed away.

[wickedsweet]

Hello, my name is christina. Ive been going out with my guy for almost a year now. About two months ago something strange happened, and it made me very upset. My boyfriend asked me if he coudl go ride with his ex heidi. ( ride mountain bike, thats what they both do ) Now, this upset me terribly because he always used to refer to her in sarcastic tones "oh, my favorite person IMed me yesterday" ya know? Now hes like, id really like to go ride with her, i think it would be fun, do you mind? I was like of course I mind i thought you couldnt stand her. He broke up with her to go out with me, and she is a really flirty person. She lives close to him, only about 7 miles away, and I live more than an hour away ( about 38 miles) so this worries me alot. Biking is something they always liked to do together.

 

I have gotten a mountain bike to try and get interested in the sport, but not it seems thoughts of heidi haunt me whenever I look at the bike and it makes me very sad. He had assured me that he doesnt like her, and that he doesnt even talk to her or have her name on his buddy list, but about four weeks ago I saw her name on his buddy list and saw it there a long time ago. Thats kind of fishy how he said he doesnt have her name on his list and yet there it is. So what do you guys think? Its all very confusing...I never had a problem dealing with before, ive always been very trusting of my partners, but i really want this relationship to work!

[lostforwords]

Chiva:

Your boyfriend is being dishonest from the beginning by not letting her know you 2 are together in the first place, however not that she needs to know, but he should have sensitivity to you regarding comments hes making.... particularily the one he made about them having beautiful kids together.... my concern chiva is what hes telling her.... or not telling her..... you are feeling insecure because hes making you insecure with what he says..... and as well him having contact with her due to paying off an old debt with her..... he needs to start dealing with the fact that you cant be a secret from her..... my god your in his life.... she's going to have to deal with it and accept it eventually.

 

Wickedsweet:

The first warning bell that you should have noticed right away was him denying that she was on his list.... if he had nothing to hide... why would he lie about it???? id be very concerned about this.... and i can see why you dont trust him that is just a result of him lying in the first place. Id let him know your observations and explain to him how you feel cuz otherwise it will just spiral and get worse......

 

Now my advice or opinions that Im giving dont really pertain to my situation but I hope it helps... however I can somewhat understand what the other side of the fence is like... and i honestly would hate to be in that position....

[drifting]

Yeah, I have this exact same problem (surfed into this site and was pleased to find out I'm not alone!) My boyfriend is my first real love. I've had relationships in the past but nothing compares to this. We've been together about 7 months and everything has been going great. I also lost my virginity to him. He, however, has had alot more relationships than me and has slept with quite a number of people. In the beginning this was what bothered me, my lack of experience and possibly thinking that if he got 'bored' with me, he'd drop me and I'd just be a number. We've talked about all this and I'm over that now, I know that's incredibly stupid and that he loves me.

 

But there's one ex that I cannot get over. She wasn't his 'first love' (so he says) but I believe that he hadn't felt as strongly about anyone until her. They were together for just over a year and were incredibly close. She was in the same position as I am now, she was completely unexperienced and he wasn't. So everything was going well until (according to him) things began to change and she started being unpredictable and trying to cause fights etc. He split up with her about five months before we got together. She was out of his life for a while but now she has got with one of his closest friends. So it's hard for him to not see her around, and hard for me to not get pissed off at her (it's weird but I feel that perhaps if I didn't see her as often, I wouldn't be as jealous). But the last few months, it's began to get obsessive. I cannot stand her. Not gone as far to drive past her house but I do have her number and know where she lives. I also work with her sister (it bothers me so much now, that I resent her sister - who I got along with fine - because she remins me of this girl).

 

So they haven't spoken since they split up and she wants to reconcile. He asked me if I had a problem with that and I told him, honestly, that I did. I thought that was slightly strange since he's got along with the life perfectly well without her so why invite her back again now? He says that he loves me more than he loved her, and that he'd never go there again as she treated him badly and he wants better now, which he says he's got. And I know, deep down, that he would NEVER cheat on me with her. I don't think that's why I obsess over her, I think it's because she's so like me. We both shared the same experiences with the same man, and that's weird because this is MY man...not hers.

 

So really, I don't know what the problem is. It's tearing me up inside, I've talked to him about all this and he understands (I think - he's not the most assertive person in the world - although that isn't the issue here) but now I'm sick of telling him. I feel like I'm trying to make him feel guilty for his past, when really all I want is...well actually I don't know what I want. In a perfect world, I wish he'd never met her, or at least she wasn't part of our life anymore (which is hard because she hangs with us alot now, since her boyfriend is his best friend and a good friend of mine). That's obviously not what will happen, so I don't know what's wrong with me! And not knowning what's wrong with me, means I don't know how to fix it. Hense the confusion. I snap at him sometimes, and bring her up just to get a reaction. I know my behaviour is wrong and he hasn't done a thing to spark this off. I feel like if I continue acting so childish he might just up and leave me (before you ask - has he done this before - no he hasn't, but I'm sure if the shoe was on the other foot I'd be pissed off at his behaviour).

 

Sorry for the long message lol. :$

[moimeme]

Please either see a counsellor or read some books now before you ruin your relationship.

 

Some titles:

 

http://www.sheldonpress.co.uk/books/0859697657.html

 

1. If This Is Love, Why Do I Feel So Insecure?

2. Overcoming Jealousy and Possessiveness

3. Romantic Jealousy: Causes, Symptoms, Cures

4. Trusting You Are Loved - Practices for Partnership

5. Ending the Struggle Against Yourself: A Workbook for Developing Deep Confidence and Self-Acceptance

[Thinkalot]

Hi everyone...if you've read some of my other posts, you'll know, I have been there in the depths of obsessive, jealous thoughts (regarding my bf's ex-wife). I am starting to get over them now. It has taken some work. You have to do it...see counsellors, read books etc, or else, you man WILL leave you, and you will bring into reality what you most fear! A self-fulfilling prophecy in a way. Worry and fuss about him leaving, and eventually he will etc

Also, free these ghosts from the past from your life. Otherwise they control you, while they are happily moved on with their life. Don't let some woman, who is no better than you, control your life in any way. Focus on what you've got! And don't dwell on whatever your particular jealousy or obsession is! It's hard, but you have to. I've nearly lost my man because of this, so believe me I know.

[am i crazy]

I am so glad I found this page and need advise.

 

I have been with my botfriend for 1 1/2 years. things are great and we speak about getting married and spending our lives together, and then the issue comes in of the dreded ex.

 

my boyfreind had been with his ex for 6 years. 4 years ago they moved intogether for 1 month and then she left him and move to New York with another guy. this completely brook his heart and they did not speak for over a year, and then were able to develop a friendship, they email and hang out when she comes into town for a visit. she is still with the another man and even has a 2 year old with him.

 

anyway he had asked me to check somthing in his email and there are a string of emails from her from over the last 5 years! he has kept them all! some are really flirty and he even has a page about how she looks like a famous actress that he loves from 2 years ago.

 

the lastes emails are not so bad, from since i have come into the picture, just updates on her life, but i cannot help obsessing over this! I am so scarded that he is going to leave me for her, or that he has secret feelings for her, even though he tells me that i am the one for him and that they are just friends

 

he has also kept all of the email i have sent him, so he maybe just a pac rat, but it freaks me out.

 

how do i decide if this is a safe realtionship for me...i am so scard about getting my heart broken....do i have a right to be fearful or am i crazy?

[moimeme]

the lastes emails are not so bad, from since i have come into the picture, just updates on her life

 

Your own evidence shows that he is not flirting with her. I can't believe the insecurities people have about themselves. It is unreal!!!!! The man has left her and is with you. He tells you he doesn't want her - you, essentially, call him a liar. It is a tribute to a man's character that his exes don't hate him, actually. You should be glad he's such a good guy and guit being afraid that he'll go back to her.