lostforwords Posted November 20, 2003 Share Posted November 20, 2003 how do i decide if this is a safe realtionship for me...i am so scard about getting my heart broken....do i have a right to be fearful or am i crazy No one can ever predict whether their relationship is safe or not, its all about taking chances..... just like you dont know if your heart is going to get broken or not you certainly cannot shelter yourself down in a deep hole because of being scared to fall in love and have your heart broken. YOU are NOT crazy nor should you feel fearful..... he has made it quite obvious to you that you are the one for him and that they are just friends...... email letters that they wrote eachother are from the past.... and should be regarded as that.... whether they arent so bad since you have come into the picture shows that he is with you now.... and as time went on he probably toned them down because he is over her and has feelings for you..... ) Link to post Share on other sites
Olly Posted November 24, 2003 Share Posted November 24, 2003 I have been with my bf for 2 years, although only one year of that is the 'official' year. We were both having problems with our partners when we met at a party and became friends as a consequence. Our other halves were both living in different countries and we were both having difficulties maintaining the long distance relationship thing. We had dinner together and chatted about our partners. Then he was dumped by hus girlfriend, after a period of a year and a half where she was umming and ahhhing about whether they should be together and taking a huge amount of money off him every month for her 'keep'. I met up with my ex and decided there was nothing left and me and present bf got together. I thought it was a new start and was looking forward to embarking on a relaitonship with him because I had always liked him and had really, finished my ex for him. But he was DUMPED. I dont think at at any point would he have left her for me. (and she snidely told me this) Consequently I became to obssess about her, somthing I vowed not to do having done this over my EX's ex too. I would spent ages looking at photos of her, at how pretty she was, and her nice expensive clothes etc...and looking for her stuff in his apartment which was still EVERYWHERE. Phots everywhere etc....We decided to move in together and apart from photos, we chucked all her stuff out. But I cant stop thinking about her. He is still in touch with her via email, not so much text anymore and he says that they are just friends. I am still in touch with one of my ex's and can understand this. But I am convinced that he is still holding all these feelings for her and he can never love me as much as he loved her. That he is happy one day, not because of me, but maybe he got a nice email from her. He asures me that there is nothing between them but friendship, that is is past and she has a new boyfriend and life and the emails are just chatty about what they've been up to and they are not regular. I cannot underrstand why he wants to be in contact with her when she treated him so awfully at the end and why he still needs to be incontact with her. I know these fears are irrational but they dominate my mind night and day. I am crippled by this fear that she is so much in everyway better than me and that he still longs to be with her............ I am driving myself mad. I called her once to get some answers and she said things like"I know he would get back with me right now" (this was a year ago, soon after they split) but I cant get that our my head or the feelings of rage I feel for her over confidence. I really need help because i am making myself ill and depressed and I really love this guy and want to be with him but I know that I cannot ask him to stop emailing who he wants to and if I did, he may still reply to her emails without me knowing...................... Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted November 24, 2003 Share Posted November 24, 2003 But I am convinced that he is still holding all these feelings for her and he can never love me as much as he loved her I am crippled by this fear that she is so much in everyway better than me and that he still longs to be with her............ You do understand that your fears are constructed on fantasy? There is reality and there is our perception of reality and your perception is warped. Because you feel inferior, you think surely he must think you inferior. Get yourself to a counsellor. You need an independent third party to explain to you how irrational your beliefs are and help you to recognize reality. Read some books by Albert Ellis. Go to Amazon.com or your library and look up books on jealousy. Your imaginings will ruin your relationship if you cannot get a handle on them. Link to post Share on other sites
Olly Posted November 25, 2003 Share Posted November 25, 2003 Thank you for this reply. I really needed to hear this. I do not have the financial resourses for counselling but I can buy the literature that you are talking about. I know that my perception of things is distorted. I needed someone to tell me that. I know I lack self eteem and need to do something for this. Just reading this website has helped me a lot because I really believed I was the only person suffering with this............but I relate to a lot of these postings an am glad that I am not the only one......... I am also going to follow the adive of the lady who said that if you give out love you just get love back inn return. Before my behaviour has been really self destructive. I have said mean things to my bf, looking for reassurance. But this has only led him to withdraw from me........he is sick of it all. The past two days I have just tried to give love and he has been loving back and it has felt really good. The best way to feel secure is by giivng lots of love because you get it back in return and thats what I need. Anger really does make things worse. I see a sparkle in his eyes because I am being nice to him and that is a better power to have than the power I have trying to get before. (controlling) Thanks again. Link to post Share on other sites
Melinda Posted November 25, 2003 Share Posted November 25, 2003 I totally know what you mean I'm like that too well depends on my mood but for a long time all I thought about was her her her and was always in my dreams (2 exes not just the one who has his kid) and the more recent ex was always trying to hurt me or kill me etc...the other I would just have strange dreams about...sometimes we would be talking like friends, other times we wouldn't get along...but lately I haven't been having so many of these dreams but I still think about her and her family all the time...another case of paranoia...I guess...but I felt so happy one day she came over andmy bfs mum and my bfs sister all stood around talking while she came to pick up their kid...but then when she goes away and goes back to calling him I complain and i'm really negative and stuff...one day we went to the pool, we took his daughter (whos's 4 by the way) and she called his mobile. Normal. Then 2 seconds later she called it again....hmmm okk....then later on she turns up at the pool!!! That really pissed me off! Sometimes I wonder what's goin on in her little head. or maybe she doesn't have anything better to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Olly Posted November 26, 2003 Share Posted November 26, 2003 I can understand how this is really difficult for you, esp with a kid involved. My best mate has a similar prob. She is with a guy with two kids from a previous marriage and she has to deal with the whole EX thing very much on a daily basis. But he reassures her that it is my mate that he loves etc......and so she has become secure with it. It took a couple of years, of course, and the EX was a nightmare to begin with. Always calling with her personal probs etc.....and getting in the way.... I don't like this side to women at times. We can be such manipulative bitches and so territorial with me, that when a woman moves onto something that was once out territory, we pull some strings so make the woman feel insecure. I can honestly say I have never done this because my EX boyfriends have always been EX, except one who recontacted me some years after the break up. I do not trust womens motives etc...........My boyfriends EX told me that she could always get him back and that I should "Open my eyes" to the situation. God I could kill her when I think about it too much............... I know what you mean about the dreams too.............I have terrible dreams. They are heavy and graphic and I wake up feeling depressed and with headaches. I can get up and wander around in this daze and then after coffee and reading some email, I am better. Sometimes the dream can stay with me all day. But I am so emotionally wrapped up in these negative feelings that I amnot switching off when I go to bed at night. And the EX is there and she is looking pretty and trying to compete with me and I cannot find my make up or I look ugly etc etc............the dreams really speak volumes about how insecure and threatened I feel. Link to post Share on other sites
Melinda Posted November 28, 2003 Share Posted November 28, 2003 Yeah those dreams are like mine. I have strange dreams about everything now. This year has been really weird for me...lots of things happening in my life etc...but hopefully things will settle down for me with the ex thing next year...i hope...but sometimes my dreams stick with me all day too cause they are so real! It's like in waking life I want to be nice to her but it's so much easier to complain about her! Because it's easier I guess...but then when she comes over I want her to like me and I get along with her...the one day I actually got to talk to her normally...I hate having a split personality...sometimes i wish i could make up my mind whether I was going to be strong and not let her calls and her talking to him alone bother me or whether I am always going to fall apart! I want to show her I'm nice, (which I am!) but i hate feeling like a fake! Oh well :S Link to post Share on other sites
Olly Posted December 2, 2003 Share Posted December 2, 2003 I have been consolled. He went to meet her and he said that she looked grey. It has made me feel so much better. I realise that she wasnæt actually that pretty, I had fantasised it all in my head. When people told me she was just normal and not that special, I would not believe them because I wanted to think the worst. I think the lady above was right to suggest that I needed to seperate relaity from fantasy. The picture I have in my head of her and of his feelings towards her are not the reality. And I have one photo kept in a special place where she looks terrible - just for my own private little comfort. I just need to concentrate on making my relationship stronger now. A cured Olly. Link to post Share on other sites
Melinda Posted December 10, 2003 Share Posted December 10, 2003 Dear all As you know, I've had the same story as all of you guys, looking at the photo's of them in the past heaps of times (do I like depressing myself?!) always wondering about her etc etc wondering if I'd see her around etc etc sometimes hoping I would just to have a chance to not be mean but to actually say Hi! Anyway all my problems and insecurities have been laid to rest as of this morning. A few days ago I posted an epic on here (one of many), about how my bf told his ex to stop calling all the time because it upset me and stuff and she just reacted at the time and thought the whole situation of this other girl he used to see who was really awful was happening again, and called me names and chucked a mental at him... Anyway I wrote her a letter saying that I didn't put him up to saying that, that I wasn't even there at the time but that I was sorry anyway for having it come out wrong and just explained to her that just like her I had my insecurities also. Anyway it was a really nice letter just saying that i'm not trying to take him away from his daughter or anything and that I wasn't an awful person like his other ex was (who also gave me hell)... Anyway she called me up this morning and said sorry for calling me names and stuff that she was just upset because she thought that this other bad situation was going to happen all over again...and the fact that she called me names when she was angry doesn't even hurt my feelings anymore because I understand why she did it. Now we both know where we're coming from, she told me what I needed to hear, that she doesn't want to get back with him, they were just wrong for each other. So now I know she can talk to him and be nice to him without me thinking she wants him back or still loves him in that way. Funny thing is, I told her she can call whenever she wants! Big contradiction, that was my problem in the first place! But i'm not jealous anymore as she is a nice person really. Never ever thought this burden would be lifted from me. We got along really well on the phone and I've never been happier! I'm kind of glad for that fight she had with my bf, because for 9 months I have always wanted to be friends with her, and if this hadn't of happened, we would never have talked I don't think. I'm glad we did, I don't think I will be needing this website for my problems anymore! They've all gone!!! But it's always interesting to read what others are going through so I might continue to check what's going on and hopefully help other people who aren't as fortunate with the the ex as I have been. And I know you're all thinking "Yeah shutup Melinda" Link to post Share on other sites
Olly Posted December 10, 2003 Share Posted December 10, 2003 Hurrah for you Mel. As you can see above I was cured. But I still check out the website just so I dont slip back to my old ways...... Hope you have loadsa fun not that debilitating feeling of jealousy has left you................ Link to post Share on other sites
Olly Posted December 10, 2003 Share Posted December 10, 2003 That was supposed to say NOW that the debilitating feeling has left you, but the website kept chucking me out when I tried to edit it. Hurrah again. Link to post Share on other sites
Melinda Posted December 11, 2003 Share Posted December 11, 2003 I'm so pleased with myself. I suddenly feel normal again. the whole worlds disappeared from my shoulders...that heavy feeling that used to constantly be with me all year has gone! I can't believe how human I feel now! It was worth sticking around, because if I had of just left all the times that I felt too weak to carry on, then this would never have happened, neither would the little misunderstanding, and if it wasn't for that, i wouldn't have a friend down here...I know she's still his ex, but she's invited me shopping next week! Once I got to know her, she's actually a nice person She even did me a favour at the shops the other day! So I can't believe my luck! I'm sure you don't want to listen to me dribble on about that though. Might scout around on this site for a bit and see if I can offer my opinion to anyone else hehehe I like this site, you have the right to be opinionated Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted December 17, 2003 Share Posted December 17, 2003 Melinda and Olly You ladies ROCK! Congratulations on shedding your demons!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Medgirl Posted December 19, 2003 Share Posted December 19, 2003 I'm involved with a guy who is 27 yrs old. I'm 19. I really love him a lot but I loath his exwife. He was with his ex for 10 years but he was only married to her for about 1 year. The thing I'm most bothered about is I'm afraid that he thought she was the love of his life and that no one will ever compare to her. Also, I know he's still friends with her and he talks to her on the phone. I wonder if he's still in love with her. Anyway, I don't know her number and she lives about 4 hours away but I have nightmares about her sometimes. I feel very miniscule compared to her. Will this fade over time? Would it be best to meet her? Link to post Share on other sites
Olly Posted December 19, 2003 Share Posted December 19, 2003 Thanks moimeme. You have no idea how nice it feels not to carry that weight around with me every day of my life. MEDGIRL - you should read the threads on this website as they have been very helpful to me. I was obssessed that my partners EX was his only true love and that I could never be anything more. I found that two things helped for me: 1) Was to try and seperate my feelings into two categories, what was really fantasy in my head and what was reality. I realised that much of what I was thinking was fantasy from my own feelings of inferiority. 2) I gave my boyfriend more love and attention and tried to become a good partner to him. In return I got love and attention and all these nice things which reassured me that he loved me. You are right. It takes time. With me, it has faded over time. The more time passes, the more his relationship with EX becomes something in the distant past. When we met, he had only just finished with her and his feeling s for her were very fresh. But as time goes on, they fade and his feelings for you replace that more strongly. You just have to be strong, keep your thoughts in a reality zone, and give him lots of love and show him what a good partner you can be for him. He won't think twice about anyone else. You could also try speaking with him, but you need to be strong for the answers. When I had these conversations with my boyfriend, he replied that of course his EX was very special and they had special times together. This used to dig in me like a knife. But now I know that all people share special times with others, I have too, and it does not mean that he thinks about it daily (of course not). He is sharing his special time with you now and it is your choise to make it special for him and yourself. if you let this jealousy get hold of you, you can posion the relationship because when you arejealous your body and emotions close down and you are never fully happy and never fully yourself. It is difficult because it is all about control adn you cannot control what happened in your partners past and you cannot control what thoughts are in his head now, but you can control YOU. And you need to control your irrational thoughts and concnetrate on the future and making this a great relationship for you both. Link to post Share on other sites
Melinda Posted December 19, 2003 Share Posted December 19, 2003 Thanks for sayin that cheered me up. It's weird, once I worried less about the ex with his kid, I started new worries about this other ex that gave me trouble (his more recent ex) arrrggghhh will it ever stop?! But it's funny because me and the ex who has his kid get together and vent our frustrations about the OTHER ex who was soooo awful to us both! Anyone confused yet? haha!! Anyway that's soo true that you can't control who he looks at or what he's thinking about...and I really let myself work myself into a fit of rage whenever he's out with the boys...I panic...I know he wouldn't physically cheat but i'm sure other things go on that I wouldn't like. Anyway but I am trying to let that go since hey I can't control it. Wish i wouldn't let myself be upset by it. About his kid, sometimes I love her to death, other times I just want to cry and get really jealous that she's not mine, other times I just want to tear my hair out like last week because she can be so rude and naughty! Some days I feel like I can't face her, but instead of running and hiding (going somewhere for a few hours if not the whole day) I stick around and then I realise that it's not always so bad. I used to be really patient at the start, why aren't i trying as hard now as I was back then? I feel like i'm a horrible person sometimes. Link to post Share on other sites
Medgirl Posted December 19, 2003 Share Posted December 19, 2003 Thanks Olly for your response. I appreciate it very much. I think I'll try sorting out what's reality and what's fantasy. I know a lot of it is me because I'm just a worry wart like that and I can totally blow things out of proportion. I did try to talk to him one time and he said that I don't need to worry about it because it's over with them. Then I asked if he could ever love anyone like that again and he told me that he could. Anyway, I'll try not to let it control me. Thank you for the advice! Link to post Share on other sites
d0rky_baYbeE Posted December 23, 2003 Share Posted December 23, 2003 i need help.. i cant help but HATE my bf's ex gf.. maybe it's because he lost his virginity to her and she's so perfect and she still "loves" him.. i just want to kill her is this even normal? i felt so alone but now i knoe im not the only one going through this.. i always talk to her as a diffrent person and looking at her websites and i feel like a stalker but i cant help but do those things.. even though she gets me really angry.. and i can picture images in my head of what they used to do together and i get really grossed out.. i feel like everything i do is just not good enough as what she did or everything i do is just a repeat of what they did together and it dosen't feel special.. what should i do.. just dump him and move on? or try get her out of my head.. which is like impossible.. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted December 23, 2003 Share Posted December 23, 2003 I cant help but do those things Yes you can. And, if you ever want to keep a partner, you better get busy learning how now. which is like impossible.. No it isn't. If you can't do it by yourself, get yourself to a counsellor who will show you how. This is about thought patterns and nothing else. Thought patterns can be changed - but you have to stop justifying yourself in having them. Link to post Share on other sites
Medgirl Posted December 23, 2003 Share Posted December 23, 2003 Baybe, I totally understand where you're coming from. If you'd read the messages above you'd see that I was struggling with the same thing, only it was his ex wife and he had been with her for 10 years! I can't say that I've recovered completely, but I'm A LOT better than I used to be. You just have to realize that you're every bit as good as she and it's over with them. I also would think about "things" they used to do together. You CANT let yourself do that. You need to accept that it happened and it's all in the past. Try to focus on the good things in your relationship and look forward to your future with him. She's in the past, it's all you now. However, I do have one question. Why is she still in love with him? Is he still in love with her as well? Anyway, I wish you the best of luck. Link to post Share on other sites
lostforwords Posted December 23, 2003 Share Posted December 23, 2003 help... Post: 68 | Quote: i need help.. i cant help but HATE my bf's ex gf.. maybe it's because he lost his virginity to her and she's so perfect and she still "loves" him.. i just want to kill her is this even normal? i felt so alone but now i knoe im not the only one going through this.. i always talk to her as a diffrent person and looking at her websites and i feel like a stalker but i cant help but do those things.. even though she gets me really angry.. and i can picture images in my head of what they used to do together and i get really grossed out.. i feel like everything i do is just not good enough as what she did or everything i do is just a repeat of what they did together and it dosen't feel special.. what should i do.. just dump him and move on? or try get her out of my head.. which is like impossible.. Moimeme is right...... what your doing is self inflicted..... your trying to get as much information about her as possible for your own needs of hating her.... which is detramental to your mental health..... stop what your doing right now..... resist the urge to get this information, check out her websites etc...... go seek some sort of help..... you shouldnt be having feelings of wanting to kill her..... get some help for you so youy can have a healthy relationship with your boyfriend..... please. Link to post Share on other sites
Melinda Posted December 24, 2003 Share Posted December 24, 2003 Don't worry I did that too but it wears off! Link to post Share on other sites
babygurl_152003 Posted December 27, 2003 Share Posted December 27, 2003 I understand LoL I don't know. Me and my boyfriend have been together for 1 yr and 3 months and I just can't stand it it just I don't know drives me nutts cause I'm a virgin and I'm kinda waiting til I'm married and he's had sex with 4 other girls and that just bothers me the really last 2 bother me one was like right when I got with him and the other he was sleepin with when we had been together 2 months. It just bothers me soo bad he wants me to marry him and I love him sooo much but I just wish I could forget about it you know its like all I think about and its alwayzz gets me upset you know like I'll just start crying you know I don't know why it bothers me soo much. Maybe if I wasn't a virgin it wouldn't really bother me I don't know it probaly would its just hopeless lol. But I love him soo much and I couldn't imagine life without him soooo I just guess I am just gonna have to find some way to deal with it. Link to post Share on other sites
Medgirl Posted December 27, 2003 Share Posted December 27, 2003 "Maybe if I wasn't a virgin it wouldn't really bother me " No way, it doesn't matter if you're a virgin or not, it will still bother you as long as you let it. Have you talked to him about this? Have you thought as to why you keep thinking about it and why it keeps bothering you? Bottom line is that you're going to have to get over this because there aren't many boys out there who are virgins anymore and if it bugs you in this relationship it'll bug you in the next. Just remember that they're his past, and you're his future. Good luck to you. I feel your pain. Link to post Share on other sites
Thinkalot Posted December 28, 2003 Share Posted December 28, 2003 Good luck to all of you fighting this problem. If you've read any of my posts, you know it's something which has plagued me too. Please...if you cant beat it yourself, then get some help. Dont let it control your happiness, or ruin your relationship! It's not worth that. The past is the past. Live in the present. It's hard sometimes, I know! But you have to do it. Otherwise the jealousy and obsessiveness will wear you, and your love, down. I am getting better and on the path to healing. However, I still have my bad days when those demon thoughts come in on me, and I start worrying and imagining my partner and his ex-wife together. I force myself to stop thinking about it! Sometimes it's hard to do. But if you refocus on the present/future and on creating a lovely life, then things seem so much lighter and more positive! And remember, we all have a past, and we are all unique and different. And that's OK. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts