what do do?

[COcollegeboy]

This is my situation, and I apologize for the length of this post but a 5 year relationship has a lot of baggage.

 

This is the long and short of it:

We met our freshman year in college. She was the innocent sheltered Midwestern girl, and I was anything but. Myers-Briggs told us that we were completely opposite, but we started dating and before I knew it I had fallen. Now almost five years later I am still head over heels for her, but I don’t know if she feels the same way.

 

I initially proposed to her after our first year of dating. I was raised by my mother and older sister so I was ingrained with the ideas of romance and chivalry (I even asked her parents permission which they refused). She said no, and that she was not ready. Since then, marriage has been something that we have always discussed openly, and about a year ago she told me that one of the reasons she told me no was that she thought the engagement ring I purchased was “ugly.” I had the ring handmade in Scotland, and carried to New Zealand where I proposed. It had a special value for me, and now sits in my house reminding me of the past.

 

Now we have graduated and I am pursuing my Masters degree in education. She spent the last year traveling all over the world and returned with some startling ideas. After I picked her up from the airport she flat out told me that if we were going to be apart we were not going to be together. I thought that was a great idea, and thought that it meant we would travel and live together (which we have been doing for the last 3 years). I was ecstatic, the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with had wanted me in her life, but now everything has changed.

 

As we continued our discussions I learned that I needed to convert to her religion, that I needed to move to where she is going to grad-school so that we can be together (in a state 1000miles away from where I am pursuing my Masters), and that I need to buy a new engagement ring. Every since I was young I wanted to travel the world and live somewhere in Europe for a significant amount of time, she flat out told me that if I did that she would break up with me.

 

I have been trying to figure out if she is giving up anything for this relationship. I just cannot find anything.

 

How to I talk to her about this? I know it is not healthy to bottle it up, but if I bring it up I may loose the love of my life. Should I stay in an unhealthy relationship and change everything that I am and my goals in life to keep her? She is my best friend and my lover. How do I keep my best friend if I hurt my lover?

 

I had the best relationship, a girl that is beautiful and kind and could read me like a book. She is funny and tender and amazing, my best friend and the love of my life. What do I do?

[quankanne]

honey, if she's insisting that YOU change without changing herself – or even willing to work toward a compromise – that's not the person you should be considering marriage with.

 

marriage is about doing what's best for the relationship you forge together, not jumping through hoops for the other person. Because you will never ever be able to satisfy that person.

 

at which point, I'd say try to save the friendship and look elsewhere for a life mate. This girl is not someone you should marry.

[GPFan]

... I'd say try to save the friendship and look elsewhere for a life mate. This girl is not someone you should marry.

Agreed. I will add that it may not be the right time.

[mikeg]

A trusting relationship is a faith-driven process. Both of you are independent and both of you have interests and goals that exist outside the sphere of your relationship. This is a healthy thing.

 

In other words, you've got to have trust demonstrated to you before you trust faithfully. The first trip you take to Europe might be stressful for her (maybe a compromise would to only go for a week the first time). As she learns that you aren't defiling your relationship with her on these trips and that you love her just as much (probably more) when you get back, she'll learn to trust you. If she never takes that leap of faith, the relationship will never grow. Get it?

 

You shouldn't waste years of your life not doing what you want because you don't want her to feel abandoned. She's going to have to come to grips with that. By giving into her demands, you are doing both her and yourself a disservice. If you set that boundary, you might get a suboptimal outcome. She might leave you or the relationship might become unmanageable. You can't base your decisions in these manners on the outcome. Be loving but be reasonable. If she doesn't stick around, then love her enough to let her learn a hard lesson. Its not the last special someone you'll meet and you might have a better match waiting out there.

 

I've been in the situation you are in and its the worst sort of feeling. I promise you it won't always feel so ****ty. I can also promise you that if you sacrifice your ambitions because she threatens to leave you'll regret it for the rest of your life.