A Dead Mother vs an Evil Mother

[Miss Stress]

If you had to chose growing up w/o a mother or growing up w/a mother that hated you, which would you chose?

 

I was not asked. My mother tried to kill me twice b/f I was even born. But abortions were illegal back then and she failed. I wished for many years that she had been successful.

 

But I moved to CA about 10 yrs ago and left her and her bi-polar personality behind. I didn't speak to her until my fathers death a few yrs ago. I felt like I should be there for her. We have been communicating ever since and my mental health has deteriorated over this time. I'm trying to put the pieces together to determine if she is a factor or a cause.

 

She is bi-polar and manic depressive. I begged her to seek help for years only to be told that I was the spawn of Satan and why should she listen to Satan. Ummm ... yeah ... ok.

 

I mean, I can certainly see where she was coming from. I left home at 16, put myself thru highschool, worked 4 jobs to put myself thru college, was an Art Director at a major university, sat on numerous boards for public service and volunteered for charity events. I worked 6 days a week and volunteered on the 7th. She was making a valid point ... right?!!!!!!

 

One minute I am her daughter and she loves me no matter what. The next day, I worship the Devil and secretly wishes she was dead. She has been like this since I was born.

 

But all those years I did not speak to her, I felt like a bad person. A child is supposed to love their parents, no matter what. I have no feelings for her. I feel sorry for her. But I'm about as close to her as someone you run into every now and then at the grocery store. She has never had a brain for me to rent space from. There was nothing there to develop a relationship with.

 

Over the past few years, I have only been able to correspond w/her by pretending none of this has ever happened. She admits to NOTHING. Which is also a symptom. Often times, I pretend to care about things I don't just to keep peace. Which is what I did when I was a child. I had to pretend to be something that I wasn't in order to keep peace. I had to pretend to love God and all her religious fanatical hypocritical crap!

 

Now ... I am back doing the same. When I left home I made a promise to myself that I would never again lie or pretend to be something I am not just to win someones approval. That has been a difficult promise to keep. But now, I am breaking that promise often by communicating with her in a way that is peaceful. I'm not allowed to express myself in any way that isn't affirmation. She is "God's" mouthpiece, so to disagree w/her is to worship the Devil.

 

She sent me an em yesterday that sent me to a dark place. I was in such a happy mood and she just took me somewhere that I didn't want to go. And then I realized that I was diagnosed w/depression and anxiety disorder about the same time as I starting communicating w/her again.

 

I don't know what to do. This is not a human being that is capable of having a rational conversation. So logic is out of the question.

 

Anyone been here????? Thx

[GPFan]

Congratulations on having achieved so many successes out of difficult circumstances!

 

What are you going to do? Retreat from frequent contact? That is an option you know. You will need help dealing with the resulting sense of guilt but it might be healthier for you overall.

 

I suggested a book on another thread that may be helpful to you too: Toxic Relationships by Clinton McLemore.

 

I wish you peace of mind.

[Curmudgeon]

If you had to chose growing up w/o a mother or growing up w/a mother that hated you, which would you chose?

 

But I moved to CA about 10 yrs ago and left her and her bi-polar personality behind. I didn't speak to her until my fathers death a few yrs ago. I felt like I should be there for her. We have been communicating ever since and my mental health has deteriorated over this time. I'm trying to put the pieces together to determine if she is a factor or a cause.

 

She is bi-polar and manic depressive.

 

One minute I am her daughter and she loves me no matter what. The next day, I worship the Devil and secretly wishes she was dead. She has been like this since I was born.

 

Over the past few years, I have only been able to correspond w/her by pretending none of this has ever happened. She admits to NOTHING. Which is also a symptom.

 

She sent me an em yesterday that sent me to a dark place. I was in such a happy mood and she just took me somewhere that I didn't want to go. And then I realized that I was diagnosed w/depression and anxiety disorder about the same time as I starting communicating w/her again.

 

I don't know what to do. This is not a human being that is capable of having a rational conversation. So logic is out of the question.

 

Anyone been here????? Thx

 

Interesting timing for your post. I'll have more to say about that in a moment.

 

In response to your opening question, I'd choose to grow up, period. At a point in life you simploy look back and remiond yourself that you're now an adult in your own right and you dopn't have to associate with anyone you don't wish to. But it still took a mother, good, bad or indifferent, to give you life.

 

My wife's relationship with her mother has always been contentious so my wife has always minimized contact. It's always been better that way for both of them.

 

Being in contact with your mother may have been unpleasant but most mental health problems are organic rather than situationalu - the exception being some depression issues. However, those are fleeting. One thing I've learned in a relatively long life is that what happens to us is normally of far less importance than how we choose to deal with and react to it.

 

Bipolar disorder and manic depression are the same thing and it's brain chemistry that causes it. Bipolar disorder is treatable, just not curable. Throw in the devil worship allegations and the inability to accept responsibility for things and those are more indicative of schizophrenia and its accompanying psychosis, or even a borderline personality disorder with psychosis, than bipolar.

 

If you hasve a depressive and/or anxiety disorder, you need to know that mental illness can be genetic. I'd strongly advise you to seek an evaluation of YOU, not related to your mother and your relationship with her, or lack thereof.

 

Now back to my wife and her relationship with her mother. It was always toxic and was always something to be avoided. My mother-in-law didn't care for me either. But she had narcissistic personality disorder and when I wouldn't worship at her feet, I became the enemy and most certainly was blamed for the fact that my wife, her only child, didn't worship there either even though she'd been not doing so for 31 of her 48 years before we married. She'd left home at age 17 because of her mother.

 

To tie some things together, my wife is bipolar. I tentatively diagnosed her four years after we were married and she agreed to a psychiatric evaluation which confirmed my findings. As for her mother, she's not been doing so well. Saturday evening my wife went to visit her, took her some of her favorite flowers and spent time with her bringing her up to date on her life and the children and grandchildren. She left to come home at about 8:00 p.m. Seven hours later, yesterday morning, her mother died.

 

Now for your last question. Yes! My wife has been there with her mother. Significantly, she can now look back and honestly say, "No regrets!"

[OldEurope]

Everything that El-Curmo says here is spot on...

 

You are not just someone's daughter, or sister, or wife or girlfriend, you are an individual, and that means you have to have a certain border, an invisible field, fence, what have you, around you which others cannot penetrate...at all.

 

If your mother says something to you that darkens your mood, stop what you are doing, get up, get air, go around the block, try to shake it out of your system, fix your eyes on the horizon a bit. Do not let her comments sit there like a toxic waste on your mind. I believe very strongly that what we ingest mentally can be as bad as poor choices in what we ingest as food, causing the same ill feelings that have to be purged. When the insults, or dark comments come, you just pull away and say: That is it. This hits my limit and I will not tolerate it anymore.

 

If she is truly bi polar, then a certain degree of human sympathy is in order. She is not "in her right mind". I would keep at a loving distance from her. Show love where you can, when you can...but stay at a comfortable distance.

 

Another effective solution is humor. Now, I know that this is not a "funny" situation at all. But sometimes, staying on the upbeat side of life also translates as the steel-nerve side of life. For example, when she talks about "Devil Worshiping", you can sigh and say, Oh, sure mother. But it is alot more fun than the witchcraft I was practicing". I do want to be careful in what I say here because I do recognize that you are dealing with a sensitive mental state where your mother is concerned. But sometimes, just lightening up the whole atmosphere can calm a situation down a bit.

 

My heart goes out to you.

 

xoxo

OE

[tessaprn]

I feel your pain. A evil mother is what I have. I have tried for years to keep the peace by keeping my mouth shut. I cannot do it anymore. To go into detail would take too long.

 

I feel guilty because I neither love or hate her. I feel nothing. I believe that I am probably going to end up in hell because of that one commandment of honoring parents.

 

I have 4 children and 7 grandchildren, these people are the most important people in the world to me. When I die if all that can be said of me is that I raised good children then I did my job in this world.

 

I spent much time with my maternal grandmother and I thank God eveyday for that because if not for her I could have become my mother.

[Miss Stress]

Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts. My hard-drive crashed on June 2 and I just got back online last nite.

 

It's the pretending to be something that I am not that really digs.

 

But your sharing and seeing so many on this board that also have ill or no feelings for someone we are told we should love ... is very healing.

 

I agree that we need to feed our minds positive things. But that alone feeling is also very toxic.

 

That is what I have found most helpful with this website. Not just great advice and kind words, but seeing that I am not alone.

 

xoxo

Miss Stress

[vintagecat]

Based upon your description of events, there is very little that your mother has done that is meant as personal affront to you but rather are the fruits of your unfortunate mother's out of control life and progressive mental health issues. Forget what Hallmark, the media, the movies tells you about how you should feel about your mother. From the sound of your post, pity is not out of line as the strongest emotion that you can muster for her given the circumstances.

 

The advice here is spot on. Choose your level of interaction and remember that her issues are not your fault to fix or to internalize. Best of luck to you.

[Ssheena]

I heard something on the Dr. Laura show (I know, half of the stuff out of her is such garbage and I don't listen except when I happen to be in the car when she is on) that made me think.

 

You can choose not to listen and refuse to believe what your mother is saying. You can pretend she is not your mother because a mother would not treat her baby the way she is treating you. Find some other women to be your mother. Take the best parts from your women friends and have them mother you.

 

What are you getting out of this relationship with her? NOTHING. Plain and simple, you are getting nothing. The biggest thing I wrestle with is ..but, she's my mother, I'm supposed to love her. Flip that. You are her daughter, she is supposed to love you.

I would do anything, anything for my children. If they were hurt, if they needed money, anything. My "mother"? Nope. Your mother? Nope. Does it hurt like heck? Yes, all the time, every day, every time I think about it.

 

I have made my choice and it's not to have anything to do with either my mother or father as I just get hurt by what they do and what they say to me.