feeling sad/down today-no time for relationship?

[hopeangel]

hey all, it was just about two weeks since i last talked to my guy. i think we were both upset about the memorial day disappointment.

 

he called last night and was depressed and down - telling me that he job is taking up all his time and he had no time for anything else. he said he didn't know what to do. he didn't know if he had time for a relationship right now and it sucked to say that.

 

he asked me "what do you think i should do?" i really didn't know how to answer him. of course, every instinct in me wants to say...you should come home and so we can be together. for me, it's all about priority. my family and friends are my priority. i already know that he is a great person that i want a relationship with i would make the sacrifice for him because i've learned in my life what is truly important. i don't have doubts about what i want. i know myself. in a lot of ways he seems to be still trying to find himself. he is younger than me. he is 27. i am 35, but i still think he should still be more grounded than he seems to be at his age.

 

we talked about how we needed to talk more and he stated how you forget what makes you feel good. we talked about a lot of deep issues. today i'm feeling like i hope i didn't open up too much to someone that could hurt me. i guess i feel like i don't want to be too vulnerable and feel like i am.

 

i apologized for maybe not being as understanding and supportive as i shouild have been about memorial and being disappointed because we had built so much up to it and the let down.

 

i told him i had faith in him. i believe in him. i trust him. he is worth it. today i texted him this message "i'm not giving up on you. don't give up on yourself. don't give up on me. hang in there!!!" i did my best to cheer him up and give him hope.

 

here is my own problem and i don't know how to express it without putting more stress on him.

 

to be continued......

[hopeangel]

for us right now and i think we are both struggling with whether it is better to keep trying and talking or if it is better to walk away and call it quits.

 

i know that sometimes it hurts to talk (but it feels great at the same time just to talk to him) bittersweet i guess. i want more than just friendship with this guy and a superficial relationship just hurts and if he doesn't make the effort then i feel really disconnected and my guard goes back up.

 

my gut tells me that any relationship is better with him than none, but i am sad because i can see it fading quickly if he doesn't stay with me on it.

 

i think we just need to see each other and be together. i told him that i would come down on his two days he gets off and if he was uncomfortable with the roommate thing we could stay in a hotel. he asked if i had vacation and we talked about it being nice to get away, but i never get a clear feeling or idea if he really wants me to come?

 

he is supposed to be coming home june 19th(he never mentioned it last night though) and someone else already took my place in the trip to myrtle beach, so too late for me to decide to go away with the family. so, i will be home and it will really upset me if i don't get to see him and spend time with him.

 

i have a real tendency to get involved with men that are unavailable emotionally/physically and don't want to head down that road again.

 

i guess i just feel like i'm lost here without a compass.

[TMichaels]

hey all, it was just about two weeks since i last talked to my guy. i think we were both upset about the memorial day disappointment.

 

he called last night and was depressed and down - telling me that he job is taking up all his time and he had no time for anything else. he said he didn't know what to do. he didn't know if he had time for a relationship right now and it sucked to say that.

 

he asked me "what do you think i should do?" i really didn't know how to answer him. of course, every instinct in me wants to say...you should come home and so we can be together. for me, it's all about priority. my family and friends are my priority. i already know that he is a great person that i want a relationship with i would make the sacrifice for him because i've learned in my life what is truly important. i don't have doubts about what i want. i know myself. in a lot of ways he seems to be still trying to find himself. he is younger than me. he is 27. i am 35, but i still think he should still be more grounded than he seems to be at his age.

 

It does sound like he's at a crossroads, hopeangel. Interesting that he asked you what he should do. Do you think he truly wanted you to tell him, or do you think he was fishing to see whether you would express the seriousness of your interest in him?

 

we talked about how we needed to talk more and he stated how you forget what makes you feel good. we talked about a lot of deep issues. today i'm feeling like i hope i didn't open up too much to someone that could hurt me. i guess i feel like i don't want to be too vulnerable and feel like i am.

 

No pain, no gain, hopeangel...

 

i apologized for maybe not being as understanding and supportive as i shouild have been about memorial and being disappointed because we had built so much up to it and the let down.

 

i told him i had faith in him. i believe in him. i trust him. he is worth it. today i texted him this message "i'm not giving up on you. don't give up on yourself. don't give up on me. hang in there!!!" i did my best to cheer him up and give him hope.

 

And, did you get a response?

 

Best,

TMichaels

[TMichaels]

for us right now and i think we are both struggling with whether it is better to keep trying and talking or if it is better to walk away and call it quits.

 

i know that sometimes it hurts to talk (but it feels great at the same time just to talk to him) bittersweet i guess. i want more than just friendship with this guy and a superficial relationship just hurts and if he doesn't make the effort then i feel really disconnected and my guard goes back up.

 

my gut tells me that any relationship is better with him than none, but i am sad because i can see it fading quickly if he doesn't stay with me on it.

 

I guess I don't understand why it has to be an "either/or" situation. I mean, even if seeing each other isn't as easy as you would like, why would you want to throw away a potentially good relationship? So what if it takes more work than the usual? If the other person is worth it, you do whatever's necessary...

 

Besides, if you two weren't "seeing" each other, what would either of you be doing with your time? Nothing? Or, is it you both want to be free to date other people -- particularly one that requires less "effort?" If you two haven't had this discussion, you should...

 

i think we just need to see each other and be together. i told him that i would come down on his two days he gets off and if he was uncomfortable with the roommate thing we could stay in a hotel. he asked if i had vacation and we talked about it being nice to get away, but i never get a clear feeling or idea if he really wants me to come?

 

I don't know how to take this one... The way you frame it, it sounds to me like he's dodging the two of you getting together. There could be a number of reasons for that -- good and bad. However, it could be as simple and innocent as he feels uncomfortable not being able to be as good as a host as he would like.

 

However...

 

he is supposed to be coming home june 19th(he never mentioned it last night though) and someone else already took my place in the trip to myrtle beach, so too late for me to decide to go away with the family. so, i will be home and it will really upset me if i don't get to see him and spend time with him.

 

I wonder if what's going on with him is that deep down, he feels the way you do, but for different reasons... As in, if you were able to spend more time together you would grow closer -- maybe THAT'S what is bothering/scaring him -- and the reason why he seems to be undecisive and reticent.

 

i have a real tendency to get involved with men that are unavailable emotionally/physically and don't want to head down that road again.

 

i guess i just feel like i'm lost here without a compass.

 

If indeed you know you know you have a propensity for being atrracted to those who are unavailable, and it's starting to feel that way in your gut, then I think you should be up-front and tell him just that. It might just force him to get his own feelings out in the open and help both of you decide what's best.

 

It does sound to me given your age difference, that perhaps you're at two different points in your life. He's still at the stage where he's trying to get grounded in his career, while you've already done that and are more focused now on family. He feels like he's being pulled in two different directions, and you feel the problem can be easily solved if he just gives up his dream and lives "happily ever after" with you.

 

Even if you do think this guy is the man of your dreams, do you really want to shoulder the "burden of guilt" that no doubt will result if you pressure him into ditching his own hopes and aspirations for a relationship with you?

 

Though you say you've had some heavy discussions of late, I think you owe it to each other to have a few more. You really need to get to the bottom of what each other wants and what is the most important, at least at this point in your lives. Maybe the timing is just not right at the moment. I know that will disappoint you, but if you both get on with your lives and leave the door open, stranger things have happened... you never know.

 

All the best,

TMichaels