turning point

[Meg]

Hi. Maybe someone can help me. I am in my early 20's and have been in a relationship for three years with a man in his early 30's. We are very much in love and seem to have it all: good friends, close families, and co-own a budding business. We aren't rich but we have enough to have a little freedom now and then. We have been talking about marriage for the past year, but both agree we want to wait until our business gets off the ground. My problem is this: He is quite jealous and a little controlling. Whenever I do anything that doesn't include him, even if it's just with a girlfriend, he gets annoyed. It's not like I do these things all the time, just once a month a shopping trip or something. He makes up excuses for why he's mad, like a business deadline or the puppy-eyes "I miss you" act, but it's very transparent. For example, I have been an avid skier since childhood, and whenever I go, I offer to take him with me and teach him so we can enjoy it together, but he always refuses and then gets really mad if I go without him. It's not even like I'm leaving him overnight: I live 30 minutes from the ski resort! He thinks, and I know this because he has let it slip a few times, that I am only going there to meet other men, which is the last thing on my mind! He's such a workaholic, I only get to do things if I do them by myself or with others. Also, he is very intolerant, for example, last week I had a cold and he kept yelling at me to stop coughing from the next room until I finally got fed up and spent the night at my mother's. The thing is, I can't imagine being without him, most of the time he's so loving and incredibly intelligent. But he's only happy most of the time because I am constantly bending to him, not making plans with my friends, etc. and then the big blow-ups happen when I decide to just live a normal life and let him get mad if he wants to. It's so weird because in other areas he's like a saint, always fixing my car, bringing me flowers, doing things for my parents, even helping me pay off my student loans when things got tight. But it always comes back to this one thing, and when I try to talk to him about it, he says there's nothing to talk about because he's not changing for me or anyone else, and if I don't like it, I know where the door is. I honestly don't believe he means this, because on the occasions when we have "broken up", he's called and wanted to patch things up as much as I did, but it still hurts to hear him say it. It's like after everything he's put into the relationship, he doesn't care enough to sit down and even hear me out. Now I am at a turning point: I am desperately in love with him, and probably will be for the rest of my life, it's not like he's my first serious relationship or anything, so I know the difference between "going steady" and having a soulmate, which we truly believe we are, but I can't face the rest of my life, especially at my age, not having the freedom to explore the world and do the things I've dreamed of.

[Landon]

My advice... DON'T GET MARRIED to the guy, unless you're first willing to accept him the way he is. He's pretty much said that he's not willing to change and to accept him the way he is or leave. So the ball is in your court now, either be willing to tolerate his insecurity and jealousy, or find another guy that allows you the freedom to explore the

 

world and to do the things you've dreamed of. A true "soulmate", as you described him, wouldn't act the way he does.

 

*Landon

Hi. Maybe someone can help me. I am in my early 20's and have been in a relationship for three years with a man in his early 30's. We are very much in love and seem to have it all: good friends, close families, and co-own a budding business. We aren't rich but we have enough to have a little freedom now and then. We have been talking about marriage for the past year, but both agree we want to wait until our business gets off the ground. My problem is this: He is quite jealous and a little controlling. Whenever I do anything that doesn't include him, even if it's just with a girlfriend, he gets annoyed. It's not like I do these things all the time, just once a month a shopping trip or something. He makes up excuses for why he's mad, like a business deadline or the puppy-eyes "I miss you" act, but it's very transparent. For example, I have been an avid skier since childhood, and whenever I go, I offer to take him with me and teach him so we can enjoy it together, but he always refuses and then gets really mad if I go without him. It's not even like I'm leaving him overnight: I live 30 minutes from the ski resort! He thinks, and I know this because he has let it slip a few times, that I am only going there to meet other men, which is the last thing on my mind! He's such a workaholic, I only get to do things if I do them by myself or with others. Also, he is very intolerant, for example, last week I had a cold and he kept yelling at me to stop coughing from the next room until I finally got fed up and spent the night at my mother's. The thing is, I can't imagine being without him, most of the time he's so loving and incredibly intelligent. But he's only happy most of the time because I am constantly bending to him, not making plans with my friends, etc. and then the big blow-ups happen when I decide to just live a normal life and let him get mad if he wants to. It's so weird because in other areas he's like a saint, always fixing my car, bringing me flowers, doing things for my parents, even helping me pay off my student loans when things got tight. But it always comes back to this one thing, and when I try to talk to him about it, he says there's nothing to talk about because he's not changing for me or anyone else, and if I don't like it, I know where the door is. I honestly don't believe he means this, because on the occasions when we have "broken up", he's called and wanted to patch things up as much as I did, but it still hurts to hear him say it. It's like after everything he's put into the relationship, he doesn't care enough to sit down and even hear me out. Now I am at a turning point: I am desperately in love with him, and probably will be for the rest of my life, it's not like he's my first serious relationship or anything, so I know the difference between "going steady" and having a soulmate, which we truly believe we are, but I can't face the rest of my life, especially at my age, not having the freedom to explore the world and do the things I've dreamed of.

[Charly]

I think you really need to consider how much you love this guy and how much you love your freedom. If you can sacrifice everything you have ever held sacred in your life for the sake of a guy - then good luck to you. I couldn't do it. The most important thing in a relationship is trust. If you don't have trust, then (sooner or later) you are going to wake up one day and say "Hey! What happened to my life and everything I wanted to do?" And chances are, you will resent him for this. If he cannot trust you, then I don't think he loves you. Not 100%. And if you don't love someone 100% then you should not start a life together.

 

I think that you really need to talk to your boyfriend about this. If he is not willing to even try fixing the problem (and it is a problem) then you need to consider if you can spend the rest of your life with a man who doesn't respect your individuality. Chances are this individuality was what attracted him to you in the first place - why should you give it up just because he now is a part of your life.

 

What you need to ask yourself, and him, is this:

 

Is what he wants out of life more important than what you want?? Or should it be equal?

 

Takl to him. If you can't say it to his face, then write it down and sit down next to him while he reads it. This way you can say all of your concerns without forgetting anything, and without emotions getting in the way of telling him.

 

Goodluck.

[JUSTAGUY]

Meg,

 

Your message was so sincere I couldn't help but share my thoughts with you. So here goes.

 

I'm sure you have already been expecting this, but...here is good news and bad news. First the good news. You sound like you've been doing everything any reasonable person could possibly do to make your relationship work.

 

Now, here's the bad news: negative behavior will almost ALWAYS get MUCH WORSE and MORE PRONOUNCED if the person doing it does not see the need or have any desire to change. And unfortunately, this desire is basically out of your control. He must first RECOGNIZE this negative behavior, THEN he must have the desire AND take action to change it.

 

Otherwise, what you see NOW is just a hint of something which could get MUCH worse.

 

JEALOUSY and POSSESSIVENESS should never be ignored. These are among the most destructive tendencies a person can have.

 

A relationship should not COST YOU your own happiness, simple pleasures, or interests; a relationship should ADD TO your life!!

 

You obviously expressed concern here because of reservations about the future of this relationship. You are wise beyond your years for recognizing the need to evaluate things!

 

This is not to say that he might not or can't change...but it won't happen without sincere effort, and it will take TIME. (For some people, years.)

 

Before you even consider marriage, I suggest some serious counseling. At first, just for yourself, so you can get more information and have a better understanding of what's going on here. Then, you should most definitely make joint counseling for the two of you a prerequisite. And here's the clincher: he must sincerely WANT to participate; if he does it only to COMPLY, there will probably be no real improvement.

 

In the meantime, here's an interesting website I discovered that you should visit: www.marriagebuilders.com. It has some of the most insightful relationship-building articles I have run across yet on the internet. Of course, none of this will be of any help unless BOTH partners are TOTALLY DEDICATED to doing whatever it takes to make the relationship work.

 

Meg, I am most concerned that he is so blind to his jealousy and possessiveness. Honestly, it is not a good sign. You've invested a lot in this relationship, and I'm hesitant to say anything that might be discouraging. On the other hand, you already knew there was a problem, or you wouldn't have asked for suggestions. Find someone with experience to talk to, and start from there. But don't let this drop until you've dealt with it through some form of counseling. And one other thing: go put on your skis, and have some fun!

 

Here's a hug and some hope,

 

JUSTAGUY

[Meg]

Well, here I am again, and I thank you all for your responses. As far as getting any counseling goes, he has said in the past when I have asked him that he would never even consider it, doesn't believe in it, etc. I don't know if he was just saying that, or if it really came down to it, if I was going to leave, if he would, but it would only be to appease me at first, unless some amazing counselor actually got through to him. And if I went by myself, it would basically mean the end of the relationship anyway, because he would be a) jealous if the counselor was a man or there were ANY men present, or b) mad that I was "airing our problems" or c) if the counselor was a woman, he would just say that women always stick up for each other, so how can it be objective. Besides, he blames every single problem we have on me, and what really gets me upset, on my mother. He comes from a large family and I am an only child, which he vehemently does not believe in. He says it's my mother's fault that I am "a bitch" (or whatever other word) because she only had one child and spoiled me. I always cry then and yell at him because my mother tried to have more kids but she had a bunch of miscarriages and I was the only one that made it. I told him that, but he still says it all the time. Then he's Mr. Respectful Family Man towards my parents, and even though I am close to my mom, I haven't had the guts to tell her those things. My mother always tells me (whenever I sleep at her house because we've had a fight) that "every relationship has its ups and downs" but if I'm not happy, then I should just leave. So for the past year, I've just kept saying that to myself, that everyone has their good points and bad points, and I'm not perfect, either, and I just put up with it. After all, 90% of the time, everything is fine, although it's usually because I am walking on eggshells. Anyway, he's always doing these sweet things, and I think "maybe it really is me, maybe I'm the problem". He really believes everything is fine, that I'm the problem and when we make up, even though he always initiates it, it's like he's forgiving me and I've "realized the error of my ways", even though I always tell him he's hurt me and he shouldn't say the things that he does. He even tries to joke about our fights with my mom, telling her it was all my fault, but of course he's only half joking. He tries to get my parents to think he's this great guy, which, a lot of the time, he is, especially to them. Well if anyone wants to respond again, an objective opinion is always helpful. I'm sorry these are so long, but it really helps me to unload here.

[JUSTAGUY]

Meg,

 

As I mentioned, you are fortunate that you realize what's wrong in your relationship. That's a HUGE plus for you. Many people spend half their lives just trying to determine WHAT needs fixing. You already know what that is. Now, you just have to deal with your EMOTIONS. These emotions have been known to cause SUDDEN BLINDNESS in a lot of people. Just a few sweet words asking forgiveness (for the 3,843th time) is all it often takes to cause us to forget all reality. Be prepared.

 

That's the TOUGH part that trips almost all of us sooner or later. You KNOW what you NEED to do, but your emotions get in the way. It's a catch 22, because if you were to do what you NEEDED to do, your emotions would get BETTER!

 

No relationship is perfect, and ALL relationships require work. However, what you have vividly described is a relationship with *ZERO* future potential; and that's being optimistic. All of his charms and good points CANNOT make up for what he lacks--this is severe stuff!

 

Not only does he admit he has no desire and is unwilling to work at improving the relationship, he treats you BADLY. Usually this sort of behavior doesn't really kick in until AFTER you're married--so consider this an especially BIG indicator of what to expect in YOUR case!

 

*So what* if he gives you flowers or fixes your car. He may do these things as a reaction to inner guilt--don't mistake those things for LOVE! Look at what matters.

 

There's another word I see in this relationship, in addition to jealousy and possessiveness: it's called MANIPULATIVE. Sad to say, I see some other negatives too, but once you get to THREE STRIKES, there's really no need to keep counting, is there?

 

But: *surprise!*, there are lots of guys who will do thoughtful things for all the right reasons, NOT TO MENTION they will TRUST YOU, RESPECT YOU, and *ADD TO* your life! Imagine that: MORE love, LESS pain. It will be tough being so happy, but trust me, you'll get used to it.

 

You're young, smart and you *WILL* find someone who will love you and let you still be YOU.

 

Please don't confuse the INVESTMENT OF TIME in a relationship as the validation of LOVE. It happens all the time though--you see mismatched people who actually become oddly comfortable in their long-term, shared misery. They were never meant to be together--they just "hooked up." They can't seem to move on because it's 'what they know,' the future is unknown, and they have become short on self esteem. So they accept it. In business, people make bad investments, but once they realize it, they try to recover as much money as they can and move on. You should recover as much of your own feelings as you can, and 'reinvest' your heart where love CAN multiply and grow.

 

Meg, when someone REALLY loves you, they care about your feelings and happiness, too. I think you probably give too much and get too little.

 

There is someone out there for you, but NOT this guy. Brace yourself, get some soul support from friends and family, and do what you KNOW you have to do. Everything you said points to the reality that you KNOW what you have to do--you just need some support and encouragement. Be a survivor!

 

Good luck and keep us up to date on how things are going in your life!