Would like some input, wife wants to end it

[inkmonkey]

Well, we have been married and dated for 2 years before that. I meet her when she worked for me. I have lived most of my life in the same town and she came here for college. Her work and passion in horse riding/training and spends a lot of time away from home. This has caused a lot of tension between us because I feel I am being neglected. In return I was being an ass towards her. I spend a lot of time when she is home in a different parts of the house and we dont spend much time together if any. We sleep in different bedrooms because of my snoring, she says she cant sleep because of it. We have been having a lot of rough time lately. Im mad at her because Im not getting an attention; emotional or physical. She's mad at me because because I am treating her bad and being an *******. We planned on moving to here hometown where she has a family horse farm waiting for her. I am a partner/owner in my business. I am willing to just walk away from it. I will still get a little income from it. Well the plan is/was to move up there July 1st. We would be living in the small cottage about 75 feet away from her parents house or we could live in her grandmothers house which is huge and her grandmother doesnt go upstairs at all. Just want to give a little background.

Almost 2 weeks ago she came upstairs and asked if I wanted to have kids someday. I said yes, maybe, it all depends. She replied with " I dont want to have kids and I think I should move and you stay here". I was in shock. We talked for about 10-15 minutes before she said she didnt want to talk anymore. We talked divorce and then separation. We decided we would separate, but really havent. She does stay most nights here, but is gone for horse shows both weekends and left last Tuesday and came back yesterday. I have tried talking to her and I have e mailed her and written her 2 letters. She doesnt seem to want to talk about our problems. I love her to death and dont want to lose her, but I might be too late. I know I havent been the best husband or friend to her. I want to change! I think I am running out of time tho. Anyone have any inside with the info I have written? I'm just afraid if she moves and I stay here that there is no hope for us. She will be busy starting her new business. I want to move, I want to help her with her business, I am ready for a change, I want to be her friend, her husband, her shoulder to cry on. I am lost and dont know what to do. I can hardly sleep. I can hardly eat, which is kinda good, so I can lose weight and stop snoring. I cant stop having emotional breakdowns. We have been to counseling once so far and she should be scheduling or next appointment soon. Somebody please give me some advice and or insight. I just dont know what to do. Thanks.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Read the threads in here from the guys who are putting their marriages back together. There are lots of good references, and situations for you to learn from.

 

My opinion is that your just having a kneejerk reaction to her wanting out. I think you would be much, much happier with someone who is willing to give you what you need. She isn't going to change just because you move! My thought is that this is a blessing in disguise.

[Order & Chaos]

Okay, thought I would offer insight as I am into horses as well and it is an interesting dynamic. I own three but ran my own farm and have been heavily competing (until this year) for years.

 

Okay, to people who don't understand, horses are a lifestyle. Period. It is 7 days a week, 365 days a year, no time off commitment. It is also, usually, the Other Passion. What true horsepeople feel for horses is similar to what people feel for their children and many many horsewoman do not have children doue to this and the already strapped time limits. Plus the time off to have the child is daunting and a difficult one to imagine/do especially if her livelihood is based on them.

 

I love horses, the horse world, etc and would never give it up but do see now the issues it had on my marriage. But I said to family and friends years and years ago, do not ask me to choose between horses and you as you are not going to like the answer. Anyone that is with me has to understand that they may be tied for first with them but the horses will not come in second. Obviously this can cause issues.

 

If you wife was into horses beforehand then it should have been abundantly clear where her priorities were. Asking her to choose is asking her to cut off a arm. Not sure what sport she is into, I do eventing, but many are year round with winters in FL and summers showing/competing.

 

I would highly recc marriage counselling but the horseworld is fraught with peril for a happy marriage and many have been slaughtered due to affairs with grooms or clients, drugs, alcohol, or just the passion itself. Maritial turnover is huge especially if both people aren't horsepeople.

 

My heart goes out to you, horsewoman are a hard bunch to love, but there are many amazing aspects that come out of it, a truly passionate person who is strong, self assured, and (usually at Type A ).

 

Try and talk to her again to see what is going on and try and do the therapy. My husband and I are separated now but doing ind and marriage and it is helping. My current job is really been the force that has been the final straw. But hindsight is showing how my passion, and so much passion (my reason for being) has always caused issues.

 

Sorry, and good luck.

[inkmonkey]

Thanks for your input Order & Chaos. When we first started off she wasnt really showing and not training too much. I did know it was a passion for her. I do understand that it is non stop. I want to be apart of that life.

 

My wife does Adult A/O Jumpers and won horse of the year in her division last year. We went to the awards show in Louisville. If you have been around the horse world on the east coast you might even know her, she rides with Don Stewart. I know what she does is very demanding and takes a lot of time. This is why I am willing to give up what I do and leave my hometown to be with her.

 

I'm not really asking her to change too much. Just be open with me and communicate with me about her problems with me. She doesnt like to open up and let her feelings out too much. We do have another appointment for counseling today. Hopefully some good with come from it.

 

I talked to her last night and she finally told me that I need to stop pushing for us to sit down and talk. She said she just needed some space. I think this is a step in the right direction, no matter which direction it goes. She is now telling me what she wants. I guess I will keep waiting, at least for a short period of time, and hoping for the best.

 

I dont want to leave my wife. So please dont recommend it, but thanks for the advice. I need help on fixing it. I know there are times where you should cut your loss and walk away, but this is something I think can be fixed, but it just under time constraints because of the move.

[jmargel]

Space? That's all you two seem to have. Why does she need more?

 

Not only marriage counseling is needed, but you need to learn how to communicate better. When she talks, don't interupt. When she is done talking, the best two words to use is 'I understand'. It puts down her defenses and allows her to open up more. You should also invite her to do things with you. When was the last time you two went on a date? There are probably alot of things that you don't know about her now, even though you are married.

 

Are you sure she has not hooked up with anyone? I'm not too familiar with the horse world, but I had a friend who was. She had prize horses and she ended up sleeping with her trainer. She was 28, he was in his 50s. Although I am a huge dog lover, and work with them, they would never replace the human interaction that I need.

 

Some people go overboard with that stuff. When it dictates their life then that's when you need to reorganize your priorities.

[TrustInYourself]

Discussing problems doesn't solve problems. Discussing solutions to problems solve problems.

 

I think space is a good thing. Sometimes there's so much negativity and hostility built up, that time is needed to heal those wounds so you can reach a position where you can discuss the solutions.

 

Patience and just being a rational, loving person is the best advice I can provide. Don't push confrontations. Be ready to listen.

 

Take care of your health, spiritually, emotionally, and physically. Do not just sit around waiting for change to happen. It's up to you to take action to improve yourself...not your marriage.

 

Good luck.

[inkmonkey]

Thank you Trust.

[Order & Chaos]

Thanks for your input Order & Chaos. When we first started off she wasnt really showing and not training too much. I did know it was a passion for her. I do understand that it is non stop. I want to be apart of that life.

 

My wife does Adult A/O Jumpers and won horse of the year in her division last year. We went to the awards show in Louisville. If you have been around the horse world on the east coast you might even know her, she rides with Don Stewart. I know what she does is very demanding and takes a lot of time. This is why I am willing to give up what I do and leave my hometown to be with her.

 

I'm not really asking her to change too much. Just be open with me and communicate with me about her problems with me. She doesnt like to open up and let her feelings out too much. We do have another appointment for counseling today. Hopefully some good with come from it.

 

I talked to her last night and she finally told me that I need to stop pushing for us to sit down and talk. She said she just needed some space. I think this is a step in the right direction, no matter which direction it goes. She is now telling me what she wants. I guess I will keep waiting, at least for a short period of time, and hoping for the best.

 

I dont want to leave my wife. So please dont recommend it, but thanks for the advice. I need help on fixing it. I know there are times where you should cut your loss and walk away, but this is something I think can be fixed, but it just under time constraints because of the move.

 

I have heard of him but as I am not in the Hunter/Jumper world luckily anddon't deal with quite that level of insanity! I am on the East Coast but a different state.

 

You know it is a fine line to walk where you become totally supportive of the other person and when you have turned your whole world and being over to them. My husband and I have/are battling the same thing now. I am very dominant Type A person that enjoyed how supportive he is but there has also been a constant emotional dependency, on his end, where I have become his world. After 13 years of that, I just can't do it anymore.

 

I am not sure what your wife is thinking and what the actual problems are but can say that really only marriage counselling will help get to the bottom of it. I will not recc leaving your wife since that is not your desire. If it is her's then she does need to say something. I know that due to the issues my husband I have had there is a lot that I didn't tell him till now. Dealing with his depression and OCD, and his inability to deal with the imaginary/anxiety produced perceptions, I just couldn't add reality into it. I felt that I would crush him. So I became his "protector" and negated myself and what I wanted as I felt that I was the stronger one.

 

He says, and is showing now, that he is much stronger than I imagined. He seems to be happier as well and is finally addressing his issues as I am addressing mine. I'm not sure where things are going to end up, I suspect we will divorce, but I have a lot of respect for him and a lot of love. I want him to be the most that he can be and just feel that we are just too disfunctional together regardless of the love. But I digress.

 

My main lesson has been to communicate fully and completely in the beginning to not end up down the road we are on. We should have done counselling even before our marriage to fix some of our issues and I really needed to learn to be honest with myself and with him and not compromise on my being.

 

I am glad to hear that she is going to therapy, that is a great first step. Good luck with everything.

 

Just a sidenote, how is she training and doing the AA's? You can't be a professional and show in those divisions.

[Order & Chaos]

Discussing problems doesn't solve problems. Discussing solutions to problems solve problems.

 

I think space is a good thing. Sometimes there's so much negativity and hostility built up, that time is needed to heal those wounds so you can reach a position where you can discuss the solutions.

 

Patience and just being a rational, loving person is the best advice I can provide. Don't push confrontations. Be ready to listen.

 

Take care of your health, spiritually, emotionally, and physically. Do not just sit around waiting for change to happen. It's up to you to take action to improve yourself...not your marriage.

 

Good luck.

 

Exactly! This is what we are doing now as well. We must first heal ourselves before we can heal the marriage. And sometimes the separation helps clear the air and see where things are at.

[Order & Chaos]

Space? That's all you two seem to have. Why does she need more?

 

Not only marriage counseling is needed, but you need to learn how to communicate better. When she talks, don't interupt. When she is done talking, the best two words to use is 'I understand'. It puts down her defenses and allows her to open up more. You should also invite her to do things with you. When was the last time you two went on a date? There are probably alot of things that you don't know about her now, even though you are married.

 

Are you sure she has not hooked up with anyone? I'm not too familiar with the horse world, but I had a friend who was. She had prize horses and she ended up sleeping with her trainer. She was 28, he was in his 50s. Although I am a huge dog lover, and work with them, they would never replace the human interaction that I need.

 

Some people go overboard with that stuff. When it dictates their life then that's when you need to reorganize your priorities.

 

I disagree. It is a lifestyle that can "dictate your life" but doesn't mean there is anything wrong with that. Lots of things dictate your life for the better.

 

Horses and the horseworld are a hard thing to explain to those outside of it. It is a lifestyle that is rich in tradition, culture, and connection. There is nothing like working so fully with animal and having others understand that feeling coupled with the need for adrenaline/competition.

 

And it doesn't necc replace the interaction with humans just the humans that you are interacting with. To have others understand the 24/7 needs, the drive, the sacrifice, the addiction; it's wonderful. It really is just hard for others to understand it or even comprehend it. We're a weird bunch but it's a delightful passion.

[inkmonkey]

Just a sidenote, how is she training and doing the AA's? You can't be a professional and show in those divisions.

 

She not training people just yet because of A/A. She just rides a lot of other peoples horses and works them out right now along with her own horses. She doesnt get paid at all. She will go pro once she actually starts training and teaching people.

 

Thanks so much for the insight!

[Order & Chaos]

She not training people just yet because of A/A. She just rides a lot of other peoples horses and works them out right now along with her own horses. She doesnt get paid at all. She will go pro once she actually starts training and teaching people.

 

Thanks so much for the insight!

 

Okay, that is what I was thinking. I know the Hunter/Jumpers has issues with that as the rules are a lot stricter than in Eventing.

 

No problem, I think the horse thing is a unique area so helps to talk to other horse people. Are you able to talk to any of her horse friends/spouses? Might be able to offer insight on things. Hope the counseling is going well. My husband was very much against it for years but is now seeing how helpful it can be and I think (though he would never let on) is actually enjoying it.

[inkmonkey]

I dont know any of her riding friends to well, if at all. I wish I did. I have also gone to counseling by myself once so far. Last Monday we went and had one on one time with the doctor. I was able to find out that she really needs her space and that I am hanging on by the thinest thread, but at least I am hanging on. Our next meeting is this Friday. This waiting to see what she wants to do is really killing me. I just wish she would hurry up and make up her mind.

Next Saturday there is a surprise going away party for her at the barn were she rides and I'm still trying to figure out if I should go. I want to give her space, but I really want to be there. We are also suppose to go to the lake that weekend and when I asked her about that yesterday she said there was still a possibility.

I have also been doing a lot of writing lately. This has seemed to help me a lot. It has made me see a lot of things about myself, her and us. I just hope she will give me another chance to prove myself to her. I also just quit smoking.

[Darth Vader]

If there is someone else, you'll be "waiting" an awfully long time. I hope there isn't though, but, just remember there's a possibility of it, in part because she's totally ignoring you.

 

I suggest that if this keeps going on, you move on without her, and file for Divorce, then you can find someone else. That way, if she's riding more than horses, then you can protect yourself and your house while her guard is down.

 

Almost 2 weeks ago she came upstairs and asked if I wanted to have kids someday. I said yes, maybe, it all depends. She replied with " I dont want to have kids and I think I should move and you stay here". I was in shock. We talked for about 10-15 minutes before she said she didnt want to talk anymore. We talked divorce and then separation. We decided we would separate, but really havent. She does stay most nights here, but is gone for horse shows both weekends and left last Tuesday and came back yesterday.

 

That's the handwriting on the wall, there is someone else! Contact a Lawyer!

[inkmonkey]

I am almost 100% sure she isnt seeing anyone else, but I dont know. The thought is in the back of my head. I just hope not. If she is she's doing a great job hiding it from everyone. I am not ready to give up just yet. When she left for that long period for a horse show she was also with her parents. I had talked to her mom a couple of times durning that period.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Her running away from the marriage isnt gonna solve her issues and relationship problems. Those you need to face head on.

 

Give it time, and dont be so clingy, show her you can live without her.

Show her you still lvoe her but if it's her choice to leave you'll be fine on your own. You dont need to be with a coward. In some instances if there's not a chance to work things out then you can divorce and see what happens but just running away from things which could be fixed and made better makes no sense absolutely.

 

She might just be a walk away wife. and if that's the case you got a whole nother thing to deal with. aint no amount of pleading, crying or begging is gonna make her come back.

[inkmonkey]

Well I just found out That she did meet someone else. She met him when she went to the beach and then she went back a week later and met up with him. They slept together just that once, at least that is what she is telling me. I still want her back. I am willing to forgive and forget. I just want her back. I know it will take time to get over it and we have agreed to discuss this more if we get back together. She said she would make up her mind today. We have been talking most of the morning and day so far. Please dont tell me just to walk away. That is not what I need right now. I want her back more than anything in the world. She is the most important thing to me. I dont want to lose her.

[Darth Vader]

Well I just found out That she did meet someone else. She met him when she went to the beach and then she went back a week later and met up with him. They slept together just that once, at least that is what she is telling me. I still want her back. I am willing to forgive and forget. I just want her back. I know it will take time to get over it and we have agreed to discuss this more if we get back together. She said she would make up her mind today. We have been talking most of the morning and day so far. Please dont tell me just to walk away. That is not what I need right now. I want her back more than anything in the world. She is the most important thing to me. I dont want to lose her.

 

 

This is the "knee jerk" response, like you want to try to "fix it". So how did you find out, did you ask, or did she just come out and tell you?

 

Personally, if it were me, her Ass would be out the door! You deserve sooooo much better MAN! Drop her!

[Darth Vader]

I would also get checked for STD's, even if you havn't slept with her in a while, in case she's done this more than once, and believe me, there's been more! To think, the nerve of that woman depriving you, and she goes and rides another man! Think about that! You don't need her, or what she did to you!

[husbndinthemaking]

First off, she found another guy. It's obvious. Sorry. She will not tell you this, nor will she leave just yet. EDIT** Sorry. Didn't read the followup post.

 

When asked the question about kids, you answered wrong. You should have replied, "I am not sure. How do you feel about it?"

 

It is also obvious that you do not know how to communicate with her right now.

 

She feels you are not compatable with her anymore. There is most likely another guy out there that is saying all of the things she wants to hear right now.

 

Want her back?

 

#1) Agree with EVERYTHING she says. No matter how hurtful it is.

#2) Go out on the town ASAP. Come home late.

#3) Smile/laugh, be positive with her no matter what she says.

#4) Dress nice and talk to other women IMMEDIATELY!!!

 

I had a rough time with my wife a few months back and stop by here every once in a while to check up on people with the same issues.

 

My wife and I remarried and things are progressing nicely.

 

Always keep in mind, there are TONS of women out there that would love to have you in their life. TONS... Right now, she doesn't realize this. She needs a reminder that you are sought after. Show her. Let her know she is not in control of you. Meet other women and get phone numbers. Call them and laugh with them. Let her see that YOU are in control of your relationship.

 

Good luck.

 

Well, we have been married and dated for 2 years before that. I meet her when she worked for me. I have lived most of my life in the same town and she came here for college. Her work and passion in horse riding/training and spends a lot of time away from home. This has caused a lot of tension between us because I feel I am being neglected. In return I was being an ass towards her. I spend a lot of time when she is home in a different parts of the house and we dont spend much time together if any. We sleep in different bedrooms because of my snoring, she says she cant sleep because of it. We have been having a lot of rough time lately. Im mad at her because Im not getting an attention; emotional or physical. She's mad at me because because I am treating her bad and being an *******. We planned on moving to here hometown where she has a family horse farm waiting for her. I am a partner/owner in my business. I am willing to just walk away from it. I will still get a little income from it. Well the plan is/was to move up there July 1st. We would be living in the small cottage about 75 feet away from her parents house or we could live in her grandmothers house which is huge and her grandmother doesnt go upstairs at all. Just want to give a little background.

Almost 2 weeks ago she came upstairs and asked if I wanted to have kids someday. I said yes, maybe, it all depends. She replied with " I dont want to have kids and I think I should move and you stay here". I was in shock. We talked for about 10-15 minutes before she said she didnt want to talk anymore. We talked divorce and then separation. We decided we would separate, but really havent. She does stay most nights here, but is gone for horse shows both weekends and left last Tuesday and came back yesterday. I have tried talking to her and I have e mailed her and written her 2 letters. She doesnt seem to want to talk about our problems. I love her to death and dont want to lose her, but I might be too late. I know I havent been the best husband or friend to her. I want to change! I think I am running out of time tho. Anyone have any inside with the info I have written? I'm just afraid if she moves and I stay here that there is no hope for us. She will be busy starting her new business. I want to move, I want to help her with her business, I am ready for a change, I want to be her friend, her husband, her shoulder to cry on. I am lost and dont know what to do. I can hardly sleep. I can hardly eat, which is kinda good, so I can lose weight and stop snoring. I cant stop having emotional breakdowns. We have been to counseling once so far and she should be scheduling or next appointment soon. Somebody please give me some advice and or insight. I just dont know what to do. Thanks.

[inkmonkey]

Well hopefully I should have answer Friday. Below is the e mail she sent Monday and I am staying somewhere else like she asked. How do you think this e mail sounds? Remember she hasnt opened up to me in about year. Thanks for the input. I just need some more help. My friends and family have been great support, but need outside opinion.

 

 

so i thought i would sit down and write to you. I am still very angry and hurt by all that has happened. I never thought that i would feel this way about you or be going through all these emotions. I am not sure that i can get past all this. I feel like the best thing for me is to start over in VA alone. But it scares me to think that they may not be the right thing that if i gave you a chance then maybe we would be happy again together and stronger. I am worried that if we do move on together and that you and i make all these changes that there could be resentment from one of us to the other. I also know that right know i can not forgive you because i know that all i will do is wait for you to do one thing that pisses me off. I will only be waiting for you to fail and i can say i told you so. That is why i have to have this time to figure this out. I know it hurts believe me i am very torn about this as well. I never thought when i told you i wanted a divorce that you would fight so hard to keep me. But in the past i have not felt like you wanted to be married. I always felt like it was fight to move and that you would never be happy there. So here i am making the biggest decision of my life alone and with out the help of the person i had thought would always be there. I would realy like to stay at the house this week alone if that is possible. I need sometime to think i would like to do it in our house. I hope that it will help remind me of the good times we have had. Ok i have to go back to work. Just e-mail me and let me know if stay some where else works for you this week. I do love you that is why this is so painfull.

[Chrome Barracuda]

I would not reply to the email. Remain NC.

 

She is gassing your head up and she's trying to let you down softly. I think she's was playing you the entire time.

 

You have to know that in order for the marriage to recover you need to end the affair one way or another and all that BS she just said is stuff to make her feel better about what she's doing.

 

Show her what she's doing is not right.

 

My heart goes out to you man. She left you for someone else, and when women do this the majority of them dont come back.

 

I would go NC with her and start my new life. let her file for divorce and tell people the real reason she left. She cheated!