wife's male friend

[sally4sara]

I would have to agree here. Myself, even though i'm married, I have about 5 good female friends. I'm actually going to a concert with one of them soon, however the wife doesn't care for the band and wants us two to go though.

 

However, if she was uncomfortable with any part of that or the friendship, then she takes priority. It's not about control it's about the boundaries. If she were some co-worker of mine that my wife didn't trust then I doubt she would be ok with it.

 

To the OP, she is not listening to you and the communication between you two is way off. I would highly suggest MC. You can't say they are having an affair because you have no proof. You can't control this other man or your wife for that matter. Good chance this guy is probably going to be led on by your wife. If she is discussing your marriage with him, then that is a red flag. Whatever you do, don't whine or beg for her back. Show/live confidence and start doing things to improve the communication.

 

Also, check cell phone records, and you might want to put a keylogger on your computer. It might help to find out exactly what they are talking about by looking at her email. She will only tell you things to make you feel comfortable, which might mean she is not telling you everything.

 

About those 5 female friends.......how did your wife come to trust these 5 and not think you were about to cheat?

How would you have felt if you handled it however you did and she STILL was not comfortable and STILL didn't trust you or them?

Listening is one thing, but if you've made every effort and it makes no difference, to what extent do you give up your life? And at what point in that do you remain happy in the relationship?

[Mz. Pixie]

I would have to agree here. Myself, even though i'm married, I have about 5 good female friends. I'm actually going to a concert with one of them soon, however the wife doesn't care for the band and wants us two to go though.

 

However, if she was uncomfortable with any part of that or the friendship, then she takes priority. It's not about control it's about the boundaries. If she were some co-worker of mine that my wife didn't trust then I doubt she would be ok with it.

 

To the OP, she is not listening to you and the communication between you two is way off. I would highly suggest MC. You can't say they are having an affair because you have no proof. You can't control this other man or your wife for that matter. Good chance this guy is probably going to be led on by your wife. If she is discussing your marriage with him, then that is a red flag. Whatever you do, don't whine or beg for her back. Show/live confidence and start doing things to improve the communication.

 

Also, check cell phone records, and you might want to put a keylogger on your computer. It might help to find out exactly what they are talking about by looking at her email. She will only tell you things to make you feel comfortable, which might mean she is not telling you everything.

 

Great post J as usual.

 

My H has two female friends from college that I wouldn't ask him to give up for the world. They've been through everything together and I do not have a jealous bone in my body about it. I know if their friendships were making me uncomfortable he would draw the line. The fact that you're uncomfortable about it and she sees no problem raises red flags with me.

 

It doesn't matter if he's attractive or not, it comes down to some emotional need he's meeting for her and she doesn't want to give that up.

 

I'd investigate a little bit if you don't find anything great- but I would still check it out.

[soda]

Wow...lots of responses here. Let me follow-up to answer some of the questions.

 

We have three kids.

 

My wife has had male friends in the past, and it has never caused my radar to perk-up. In fact, my wife was the one who actually questioned the intentions of one of her former male friends, told me about it, and decided to steer clear of him.

 

I've had female friends, too, and I've always made sure that my wife meets them, and she usually ends up becoming friends with them, too. She's never raised an eyebrow about any of my female friends or the relationships I've had with them. She pointed this fact out when I questioned her about her male friend.

 

We're in marriage counseling now and we're communicating. We both agreed that our marriage needs a tune-up and we're taking those steps. However, I'm having a really hard time with her relationship with her male friend. I don't really know why my radar is perked-up this time. I've questioned her repeatedly about the issue, and she maintains that she's not doing anything wrong, yet I'm still not comfortable at all.

 

Am I nuts?

[jmargel]

About those 5 female friends.......how did your wife come to trust these 5 and not think you were about to cheat?

How would you have felt if you handled it however you did and she STILL was not comfortable and STILL didn't trust you or them?

Listening is one thing, but if you've made every effort and it makes no difference, to what extent do you give up your life? And at what point in that do you remain happy in the relationship?

 

Because it takes two to tango. Those women (even the ones she knows) don't have any loyalty to her. I do. I have been nothing but faithful to her, I believe that's why she has no issues with it. Two of them are friends of hers, two others she has met a couple of times as acquanties, the other is someone I grew up with when I lived in NY. She never met the last one.

 

If she was uncomfortable with it, and I still saw them, things would get bitter between us and eventually something would happen. If she didn't want me to see/talk to them because she didn't trust me then I would have a problem with that. Her being uncomfortable about it is one thing, for her to try to stop me from being friends with them because she thinks I would cheat, then she would be questioning the morals and beliefs that I have.

 

If you don't trust your partner, you shouldn't be with them.

[jmargel]

Wow...lots of responses here. Let me follow-up to answer some of the questions.

 

We have three kids.

 

My wife has had male friends in the past, and it has never caused my radar to perk-up. In fact, my wife was the one who actually questioned the intentions of one of her former male friends, told me about it, and decided to steer clear of him.

 

I've had female friends, too, and I've always made sure that my wife meets them, and she usually ends up becoming friends with them, too. She's never raised an eyebrow about any of my female friends or the relationships I've had with them. She pointed this fact out when I questioned her about her male friend.

 

We're in marriage counseling now and we're communicating. We both agreed that our marriage needs a tune-up and we're taking those steps. However, I'm having a really hard time with her relationship with her male friend. I don't really know why my radar is perked-up this time. I've questioned her repeatedly about the issue, and she maintains that she's not doing anything wrong, yet I'm still not comfortable at all.

 

Am I nuts?

 

You are not nuts. You need to go with your gut instinct. Perhaps if your relationship with her was on a more solid ground you wouldn't feel this way. However with your marriage being a little rocky and her talking to a guy that you don't know at all, it's a recipe for something to happen.

 

You cannot make a marriage work with three people involved. She is not showing you priority when it comes to this situation and the more she refuses to acknowledge this the more sensitive you will get. What does she have in common with this man? What do they talk about? Don't expect to get truthful answers from her.

 

Let her know that you feel she is taking away from this marriage, due to this friendship she has with this guy. Like I said you might want to check into her cell phone records and email.

[Untouchable_Fire]

We're in marriage counseling now and we're communicating. We both agreed that our marriage needs a tune-up and we're taking those steps. However, I'm having a really hard time with her relationship with her male friend. I don't really know why my radar is perked-up this time. I've questioned her repeatedly about the issue, and she maintains that she's not doing anything wrong, yet I'm still not comfortable at all.

 

Am I nuts?

 

I heard about this book called not just friends. Maybe you should ask her to read it?

 

The point is that I think your instinct is valid. Now what do you plan to do about it?

[serial muse]

Wow...lots of responses here. Let me follow-up to answer some of the questions.

 

We have three kids.

 

My wife has had male friends in the past, and it has never caused my radar to perk-up. In fact, my wife was the one who actually questioned the intentions of one of her former male friends, told me about it, and decided to steer clear of him.

 

I've had female friends, too, and I've always made sure that my wife meets them, and she usually ends up becoming friends with them, too. She's never raised an eyebrow about any of my female friends or the relationships I've had with them. She pointed this fact out when I questioned her about her male friend.

 

We're in marriage counseling now and we're communicating. We both agreed that our marriage needs a tune-up and we're taking those steps. However, I'm having a really hard time with her relationship with her male friend. I don't really know why my radar is perked-up this time. I've questioned her repeatedly about the issue, and she maintains that she's not doing anything wrong, yet I'm still not comfortable at all.

 

Am I nuts?

 

Can you ask her to introduce you to her friend? Meeting him face-to-face, in the company of your wife, and seeing how everybody interacts could allay your fears. Or confirm them. If he's just a friend she shouldn't have a problem introducing you.

[tinktronik]

You've stated that you W has been open about her friendship going as far as including you in meeting him. To insist that you are uncomfortable or that you suspect "he is a dude so he's after more" seems controlling and over the top to me. Just because you would behave in a specific way, because you are a guy does not mean that others do as well. You are uncomfortable because you have had marital problems, but perhaps one of those marital problems includes you being controlling about your wives R with anyone other than you? Just something to think about.

I would say that as long as your W is being open about this friendship , you should back off.

Many times we trust our partners and then get a feeling in our gut and should trust this feeling. BUT some people have this Feeling all the time and simply need to trust their spouses more. if they don't want to push their H or W away even more.

[soda]

I've received a lot of good advice. I will say that I am not a naturally paranoid person. However, despite my wife's openess about the relationship, I am still not comfortable. There is something about this that sets my radar off, and I am prone to trusting my instincts.

[whichwayisup]

There is something about this that sets my radar off, and I am prone to trusting my instincts.

 

Then listen to your gut. Get someone you know to follow them or hire a PI if you really want to..Install a keylogger onto the computer, this way you can keep track of what's being said online if they do email eachother.

 

She is putting too much energy into this friendship and as a married woman, that is just something married folks don't do with the opposite sex. It's different if she grew up with him or he was a family friend, but this guy is newer and she is bonding with him - SHE is getting something out of it and that is dangerous for your marriage in the long run. I mean, what does she talk to him about? Confide in him about your marriage, you? See, he could easily zone in on her if she is vunerable and play it against her.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Wonder why his wife would feel if the shoe was on the other foot, would she understand his feelings or make that more reason to talk to this so called friend. This guy is on the right track.

[michelangelo]

So basically the wife is being "open" about her friendship or that "openness" is a clever and terrible cover for cheating.

 

Only one way to find out, check it out.

[angie2443]

Can you ask her to introduce you to her friend? Meeting him face-to-face, in the company of your wife, and seeing how everybody interacts could allay your fears. Or confirm them. If he's just a friend she shouldn't have a problem introducing you.

 

My only problem with the advice to just meet the opposite sex friend is that often, if there are feelings between the friends, they know to hide it in front of the spouse. My husband had no problem bringing his opposite sex friend around me and the kids. My instintcs always felt funny about her, and in the beginning, there was sexual flirting and so on done in front of me. Once I voiced my concerns (just to my husband), my husband and his friend started joking about how the thought of them bieng together was disgusting. It was an obvious act. If I hadn't learned to trust my instincts at that point, I might have been fooled.

[twice_shy]

My wife and I have been married for 10 years. This year hasn't been the highlight of our marriage. Several changes in our lives have led to increased stresss in the household. One of these changes was my wife going back to work after 3 1/2 years at home. At work, she made a male friend. When she changed jobs, I was surprised that she continued to nurture the friendship with the guy. In fact, she came home one day and told me that they'd gotten together for coffee. She said that she wanted to tell me because she did not want to raise any suspicions.

 

 

Uh huh. My xW did the same thing...only it was to divert my suspicions about what was really going on. A half truth to cover up a whole lie.

 

Not saying this is the case with your wife, but its a possibility.

 

 

I was unconfortable all the same. I've met the guy, but I don't know him. My wife obviously cares about him, and they're in contact every day.

 

Of course you are uncomfortable. Some say it can be purely innocent, I say unlikely.

 

 

I expressed my concerns, but my wife said that I have nothing to worry about that "he's just a friend." That wasn't enough to alleviate my concerns, and we ended up arguing. My wife says that I'm getting worked up about nothing and that she's not attracted to the guy in any way. In fact, the male friend is much older than her, overweight, and not exactly what one one deem physically attractive.

 

The guy my xW was messing around with looked like a rat with a mullet and is now in prison. Looks aren't everything.

 

 

(My wife is slim and attractive, and I keep myself up well, too.) No matter what my wife says, I can't get the concern out of my head that what my wife and her friend are up to is wrong. Am I being paranoid here. My wife insists that she's not doing anything wrong, but I'm not so sure.

 

And she may be telling the truth. It all depends. But getting all chummy and hooking up with anyone of the opposite sex when you are married isn't the best of ideas.

[carhill]

We're in marriage counseling now and we're communicating. We both agreed that our marriage needs a tune-up and we're taking those steps.

 

Why tune-up and what steps? What wasn't being communicated before?

 

This is the crux of the issue, not the "friend". He's just a symptom. IME, a good MC will not even mention his existence beyond validating what one party says, rather work specifically on your M. Your post indicates that neither of you are serial cheaters (in reality rather than propensity, of which I have no instinct), so my instinct is that, with work on the M, this "friend" will just fade away naturally.

[Owl]

This is simple.

 

Her 'friendship' with this guy should NOT take precedence over her relationship with you.

 

If it makes you uncomfortable/nervous/etc...she should end the friendship. You've clearly communicated that you're not comfortable with her friendship with him.

 

Have you asked her to set boundaries with him? As in...no "one on one" meetings with him for coffee, or whatever...in the future? Its not an unreasonable request...and it would go a long ways to reassure you.

 

What about the subject of her communications with him? What do they talk about? Is it "over the line"?

 

And make it clear to her that you're not asking for anything you're not willing to do as well.

 

Read the book "Not Just Friends"...I think its by Shirley Glass.

[carhill]

A woman blindly following such rules make themselves perfect fodder for a controlling man, of which there are plenty. Control starts out small, with little things, then pretty soon moves to whom one can and cannot associate with. I know this because I'm married to a woman who uses such subtleties to attempt to control my behavior beyond what is reasonable expectation and trust.

 

Simply put, I do not pick my wife's friends and she does not pick mine. It's up to each of us to foster trust and set our own boundaries. My wife has lots of male friends and clients. If she wants to confide in them that's no reflection on me, rather on her and her respect for our M. I act based on my perception of the respect she shows me, not based on the people (or gender thereof) involved.

 

A issue in my marriage, in MC, is the fact that same gender friends have taken precedence over myself for my wife in our M. Just because there's no effing going on doesn't mean that such alliances cannot be toxic to a M. I'm smart enough to know that it's not about her friends, it's about she and I and our M. So that's what I (and our MC) focus on.

 

I'm still waiting to hear what the marital problems are. No answer from the OP on that yet.....hearing that information is crucial to understanding the marital dynamic, IMO. I won't comment further until hearing an honest accounting of his perspective, including his own faults or shortcomings, since no one is perfect.

[soda]

From my perspective, our main problem is that we've both been willing to suffer in silence when one of us feels that we've been wronged or hurt by the other. Instead of communicating through the issue, we've both opted to preserve the "peace" while quietly resenting each other...over time, those dings and dents in our relationship have built up and put us where we are today.

 

In retrospect, it sounds kinda dumb. What good is "peace" if it's just superficial, right? The reality is that we've never been very good at arguing, but I think we're learning that arguing doesn't have to involve heated words.

[carhill]

So, are you saying, in the past, absent clear communication, that your resentment (still don't know what about) has been coming out in your actions, since no words are spoken unless/until the "volcano explodes"??

 

Relate to us the content and context of the last relation you made to your wife about how you felt. Imagine she asked "honey, how are you feeling? " Your answer would be ???

[soda]

Okay, here's an example: "Honey, how are you feeling?" "Well, I'm a little put out that you asked me to plan out a date together, and then you canceled on me at the last minute because you were tired." This is the kind of exchange that's been absent. Normally, I would stew in silence. We've both been guilty of it. In fact, I recognized that I was stewing in silence about her male friend and my silent anger wasn't doing anything to change the situation...which is why I ultimately decided to make my feelings known about my discomfort about her relationship with the guy.

[carhill]

OK, that's good. Real good

 

Now, when you "stew", take a hard look at yourself and identify behaviors which come out. Do you "avoid" your W? Are you overly polite? Do you nitpick or "nag" her about inconsequential things?

 

I'm inserting behaviors I've found in myself as examples. I've got more if you like

[soda]

That description probably fits both of us (my wife and I). I tend to be overly polite when I'm angry and she tends to nag me over inconsequential things...but avoids saying anything over the consequential things -- she avoids me over those.

 

We're working on it though. It's taking a lot of effort but we're discussing things before it leads to cussing over things.

[carhill]

Also, I pick inappropriate times to "discuss" things, like before my wife goes to work. She's "tired" at night. Fuggetabout talking after sex; she's out like a corpse

 

I'll tell ya, MC will help you, regardless of the "friend"....

[mental_traveller]

She is having an emotional affair with this guy and he is meeting some selfish need of hers. Has nothing to do with you, it's all about her. Ego and attention. Problem is, this guy COULD be falling for her, fat or not, that doesn't matter...She could have feelings for him as well.

 

.

 

How do you know they are having an emotional affair? They might just be friends. So far we don't have enough info to conclude anything more - no strange phone calls late at night, no staying out late, no coming back drunk etc.

[mental_traveller]

It does not matter if his wife would do it or not, but just to note I doubt she would. But that does not change the fact that he would still sleep with her... Or potentially likes her... And if the friend thinks that he can get a chance, he might take advantage of that and try to seduce her to be with him.

 

Here is a situation, which could come from this:

 

Wife and the guy stay friends for a year. Become really good friends. Wife does not like the friend sexually, but friend likes her, a lot. One night, husband and wife get into a heated argument, someone spilled the milk, so wife goes out with her friend for a few drinks to blow off some steam. After a few martinis and a lot of husband bashing, friend goes in for the move. Now what? Does she sleep with him, does she slap him? No one knows, but here is the fact: she put herself in this situation, something she could have avoided.

 

Whatever this friend has, she should be able to get from her husband, if she has to seek it from another man, then something is wrong.

 

So you think married people should never have friends of the opposite sex?