wife's male friend

[mental_traveller]

Wow...lots of responses here. Let me follow-up to answer some of the questions.

 

We have three kids.

 

My wife has had male friends in the past, and it has never caused my radar to perk-up. In fact, my wife was the one who actually questioned the intentions of one of her former male friends, told me about it, and decided to steer clear of him.

 

I've had female friends, too, and I've always made sure that my wife meets them, and she usually ends up becoming friends with them, too. She's never raised an eyebrow about any of my female friends or the relationships I've had with them. She pointed this fact out when I questioned her about her male friend.

 

We're in marriage counseling now and we're communicating. We both agreed that our marriage needs a tune-up and we're taking those steps. However, I'm having a really hard time with her relationship with her male friend. I don't really know why my radar is perked-up this time. I've questioned her repeatedly about the issue, and she maintains that she's not doing anything wrong, yet I'm still not comfortable at all.

 

Am I nuts?

 

No you're not nuts, this is just your subconscious instinct talking - usually it is accurate, so i would be careful about this guy. It doesn't mean your wife is cheating, but it does mean something may go amiss, probably from his side.

 

I would make it clear to your wife that you are uncomfortable with her friendship with the man, and make her say which she thinks is more valuable, her marriage with you or her friendship with him. Put your foot down - if she is genuine then she will side with you eventually and see your point of view. If not, *then* you can start worrying for real.

[Lovelybird]

So you think married people should never have friends of the opposite sex?

if they to their friend are more intimate (emotionally or physically) than to their own spouse, then the answer is NO, and NO

 

There isn't a human on the earth will not be jealous when they saw their spouse are more close to other man or woman

[soda]

Let's just say that I have ZERO trust in him. I've already figured out that he's the kind of guy who will say ALL the right things to keep my wife's approval. Nobody is as "perfect" as this guy is portraying himself. I have a pretty rationale view of who this guy is and what kind of "man" he is. I'm honestly very surprised that my wife has built him up to be something he's obviously not. Honestly, I am far from perfect, but I would have never picked this person out to be any kind of threat. I think she's ultimately going to be extremely disappointed with who she ends up with if she decides to go down this path.

 

I am capable of moving on, and as each day passes, I become increasingly motivated to just let her see for herself what she's getting herself into.

 

There's no alcohol, late nights or unexplained late phone calls. My wife is still at the stage where she feels it's necessary to convince herself that she's in an "innocent friendship." I'm not prepared to stick around for the drama of watching the next stage unfold.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Let's just say that I have ZERO trust in him. I've already figured out that he's the kind of guy who will say ALL the right things to keep my wife's approval. Nobody is as "perfect" as this guy is portraying himself. I have a pretty rationale view of who this guy is and what kind of "man" he is. I'm honestly very surprised that my wife has built him up to be something he's obviously not. Honestly, I am far from perfect, but I would have never picked this person out to be any kind of threat. I think she's ultimately going to be extremely disappointed with who she ends up with if she decides to go down this path.

 

I am capable of moving on, and as each day passes, I become increasingly motivated to just let her see for herself what she's getting herself into.

 

There's no alcohol, late nights or unexplained late phone calls. My wife is still at the stage where she feels it's necessary to convince herself that she's in an "innocent friendship." I'm not prepared to stick around for the drama of watching the next stage unfold.

 

Your doing the right thing. You need to expose this guy for the fraud that he is. Maybe a legal seperation will change your wife's mind. Maybe she will start to get close to her, maybe she will drop him and choose you. It's a double sided coin. but one way or another this whole friendship that she's emphasizing needs to end completely!

[soda]

Thanks CB. It took me a while of just being confused of what she could possibly see in this guy to realize that my wife has a completely distorted view of who he is. It's too bad that she's going realize what she HAD and what she's getting when it's too late to undo the damage.

[whichwayisup]

my wife has a completely distorted view of who he is. It's too bad that she's going realize what she HAD and what she's getting when it's too late to undo the damage.

 

Yes, one day she is going to be in for a rude surprise and be filled with regret.

 

Have you spoken to this guy yet? Does HE know how uncomfortable you are with their friendship? I mean, having a face to face chat, let him know that you find it very inappropriate that he wants to spend TOO much time with your wife and be her friend. Ask HIM what HE is getting out of it and make your point that HE should back off and find a single woman to date, not your wife!

[soda]

No...I have not talked to him yet. I've invited him over to my home repeatedly to get to know him better, and make sure he gets to know me, and he's repeatedly come up with excuses for why he cannot make it. He keeps mentioning how he is looking forward to coming over and getting to know me but it's been over a month since the first time I made the suggestion that he come over. My wife hasn't exactly expended much effort making this happen either. My guess is that they want their "friendship" to remain private and they're both uncomfortable with having to act differently around me.

 

Oh well. They can have their relationship be as private as they want...especially when I decide to kick her to the curb.

[whichwayisup]

Tell your wife what you just wrote here, especially this part "They can have their relationship be as private as they want...especially when I decide to kick her to the curb" because she really isn't getting it. She doesn't understand that the friendship with this other guy IS affecting what you feel for her and with that, the changes IN your marriage with her.

 

Let her know that you think he's scared to meet you, as is she, because THEY BOTH KNOW what is going on between them and they won't be able to hide their closeness from you if you all get together.

 

Bottomline here, she needs to make a choice - you and the marriage or the so called friend. Make sure SHE understands too, that if she doesn't make the choice, you will do it and she more than likely won't be happy with the end results!

 

Her behaviour is completely inappropriate and she's only thinking of herself.

[D-Lish]

My ex husband remained close friends with his highschool sweetheart throughout our 9 years together- and still does to this day. It never bothered me as he was upfront with me about when they spoke and hung out. I too remained close with my male friends as I do to this day.

 

We can debate whether or not it is appropriate to have platonic friendships with the opposite gender while in a serious relationship- but I think that the fact that the Poster is upset by this makes this a real problem... Because it is distressing for him.

 

The wife needs to acknowledge and validate those feelings her husband is experiencing and do her part to make him feel understood and heard.... That's the bottom line. Because they are a couple- this is not just his problem, it's hers as well.

 

I doubt very much this is an affair. She wouldn't be so open about their contact if it was. Most friendships serve a valuable purpose to us- support, companionship, comfort, stability and perspective. It's healthy to have interests and contacts outside a marriage. The fact that the W's friend is a male... and a new friend may seem suspicious- but I can tell you I have had platonic relationships with guys that have no romantic meaning to me.

 

I am wondering what is going on inside the marriage.... and if perhaps those things need to be worked on. Is she lonley? Do you guys do things together? Do the two of you go out and grab a coffee ? Maybe things have become somewhat routine in the marriage and she enjoys this friendship because it allows her to blow off some boredom steam. That doesn't automatically mean affair... but it still could mean something is missing in her life that she feels the need to fill.

 

As I said- I doubt it's an affair- but it is possible that something is wrong in the marriage that should be addressed. The friendship with this guy may just be the tip of the iceberg- when what you should be looking at is what is underneath where the marriage is concerned...?

[Bryanp]

The fact that this guy constantly comes up with execuses not to meet you and your wife not making much of an effort says it all. They want to keep it private between them. This is a huge red flag. Your wife is playing a game with you and thinks you are too dumb to do anything about it.

[whichwayisup]

I don't think she's playing games, I think she's just being selfish and isn't thinking of her husbands feelings AT ALL. Her mindset is focussed on her needs only - Forgetting the fact that the ring on her finger signifies something very important! She's a married woman and when someone married spends TOO much time with a member of the opposite sex alone, eventually feelings grow and lines can be crossed.

 

They may not be having a full-on affair, but they are certainly putting themselves IN that situation where "it" could happen. Doesn't matter that this guy is large, or not great looking - SHE is getting something out of it and that's very dangerous if not kept on the straight and narrow.

[soda]

D-Lish -- I appreciate what you're saying. My issue is not the fact that she has a platonic friend who happens to be male. My issue is with their emotional connection, and the fact that he wants nothing to do with meeting me. If my wife is such a great "friend" to him, wouldn't he be interested in knowing who her husband is? Nope. It's better that he pretends that I'm not there.

 

Whichwayisup--thanks for the inputs. To be honest, I think my wife actually believes that I won't divorce her, which is really shortsighted and foolish thinking. I've already met with a divorce attorney who recommended that we let my wife make the dumbest decision of her life.

[whichwayisup]

I've already met with a divorce attorney who recommended that we let my wife make the dumbest decision of her life.

 

The thing is, IS your wife worth fighting for? Do you want to stay married? Or do you want to let the divorce lawyer to run the show, wait till she messes up and then you divorce? Think long term here not in the moments of anger...

 

Aside from the other guy and all that it's brought along - What was/is your marriage like day to day?

[soda]

Our marriage was very good, although over the last 6 months, I hadn't felt very connected with her...which coincides with about the time she became chummy with her friend. I mentioned the lack of connection when I first noticed it and she agreed with me.

 

Six months ago, I would have said that my wife was worth fighting for. Now, she seems very selfish and less mature than I remember her being in the past. I don't know...she seems to have become very superficial, focused on herself and prone toward just what makes her happy. This has become apparent in her parenting as well.

 

I don't like the idea of divorce but I'm not going to avoid it just to allow my wife continue her relationship with her friend. I've reached a stage where I'm sick of being called "jealous" whenever I feel a need to talk to her about her friendship with her male friend.

 

In my gut, this doesn't feel right to me.

[whichwayisup]

You need to talk to her, especially the part how this is affecting her parenting! Don't just throw in the towel without fighting hard and giving it your best. Marriage is hard work!

 

Right now your wife is NOT thinking clearly but that doesn't mean she can't be woken up, snapped back into reality.

 

Start standing up to her, without saying anything about being jealous, just make sure SHE gets what you are saying in the sense of her priorities being mixed up. She's putting TOO much effort into this guy and neglecting you and you the kid(s).

 

If you divorce without fighting hard, you may feel regret that you didn't try.

 

Get a trusted male friend to follow them, that way you will know what's what.

[Owl]

Dude...how long are you going to sit here and accept this???

 

Why don't you step up, confront, and get this moving somewhere?????

 

Sitting here doing what you're doing...its NOT forward progress at all.

[theobserver]

You need to talk to her TODAY, sit her down the first moment that's convinient for the both of you and tell her exactly how you feel down to how she's refusing to acknowledge your feelings on the matter.

Explain your distrust in this male friend but give good points on why (how he wont even meet you again for a more social situation with the 3 of you and his constant excuses). Others have said also you should give her the ol' other shoe speech, how exactly would she feel if you acted how she is?

 

Try not to make this a ME or Him debate with her BELIEVE ME you will push her further away.

This needs to be a Do you understand how I'm feeling? what are WE going to do about it? Do you understand the consequences if we do not come to a comprimise?

 

If need be show her this thread, make her read all of it. (reinforce it's all anonymous) but she should get the point that wow this has effected him so much that he felt the need to post here actually as I type this maybe that's not a good idea considering all the "I'm prepared to leave her if need be" posts.

Perhaps find similar threads on emotional affairs or find a snipet from an advice column on the web on emotional affairs if she is unfamiliar with the term.

 

The fact is people when your in relationship/marriage there's nothing wrong with wanting or having opposite sex friends. Here is the problem so many never realise or overlook. A true friend will make efforts to get to know your partner, they do not have to become friends with them but they should make it known you respect them. You respect their relationship and you will not cross any boundries.

 

Why is this needed because when you are having intimate meetings such asgoing for coffee, having dinner or what have you that are 1 on 1 you are taking personal time that could be between the actual couple here. It doesnt matter if your a new friend or an old friend it doesn't give you the right to demand anything. At the same time the partner is not to force his or her SO to never go out or expand her circle of friends it's not right to deny your partner or anyone anything unless it's clearly toxic but even then you can only give reason and hope they come to a reasonable decision themselves.

 

I feel for you OP I get the feeling that she talks about your relationship with this "friend" and that he is just waiting for that vulnerable moment to strike. It's all too easy to be the nice guy you've always wanted when someones telling you everything they dislike in you as a partner. People can be naive just as their are women who can CLEARLY see when a woman is after her man if they notice a look, a reaction or behaviour men also have this feeling.

 

I tell you what, I went out to coffee with female friends who were in relationships when I was single but I'll be 100% honest a part of me always wanted to make a move and if I would of seen an opening I would take it this is the cold harsh world of most men some women don't want to believe the single male friends they have could ever be having wild thoughts of humping them madly into the night with no fear of consequence but still manages to hold a good conversation with the perception that this is purely just a friendship. THERE SHOULD ALWAYS BE CAUTION.

 

SODA do not even come back to this thread until you've talked to her and update us on the outcome. The longer you dwell here the more you are not facing your wife and possibly saving your marriage before it's too late.

People come here for advice and opinions. You've been given more then enough to decide what to do and you've confirmed that your feelings are not selfish now go and talk to her again.

 

Good Luck.

[soda]

I talked to my wife. No confrontation, no shrieking...no "him or me." I honestly believe that she simply does not get what her behavior is doing to the marriage. I could not have made it any clearer. She insists on maintaining the relationship, although she claims that she can "back off a little." Too bad. I don't like throwing away a marriage, but I don't think there's much to save.

[carhill]

soda, after reading LS for a few months, without any suggestion from my wife, or our MC, I've voluntarily gone total NC with my "friend" (backstory in my journals) and disclosed that reality in MC and make it a part of our relationship talks. I'm not doing it for the marriage, as I have little confidence in its survival at this point; rather, I'm doing it for myself and my own personal psychological health. Any other benefits are purely icing on the cake.

 

I sure hope your wife sees that light, if not for your marriage, for herself

 

I empathize with you, even though I view things from the other side of the street so to speak. I think being able to empathize (put myself in my wife's shoes) has been key to seeing the negative effects of my behavior on myself, as well as my wife.

 

Good luck!

[soda]

Thanks, Carhill.

 

I think my wife will see the light, too. It really is too bad that she's going to end up "getting it" too late to salvage our marriage, but I'm not a fricking doormat. I'm too successful, make too much money, and have too much going for me to put up with this any longer.

[Owl]

Then don't put up with it anymore.

 

Tell her that you're done fighting for a marriage and putting all your effort into it when she's clearly prioritizing her "friendship" over her marriage.

 

Don't sugar coat it, don't beat around the bush...tell her this is exactly how you feel, and that if changes don't happen, your marriage is over.

 

I found with my wife that it was this type of blunt discussion and expectations was what brought the reality home to roost...anything LESS than that is just a waste of time and effort.

 

Don't wait on having this discussion with her...its entirely possible that she's still not 'getting it' that this is how you feel...she's choosing to avoid letting herself see that. Remove any doubt/ambiguity/etc...do it point blank, up front, in your face...and right now.

 

You'll feel FAR better for having done so.

[Sal Paradise]

Always trust your gut instincts. There are lots of red flags here. It definately sounds like she is at the very least emotionally cheating which will eventually lead to physical cheating (if it hasn't already).

 

If you are fed up and ready to move on why wait? Why not just set it in motion now and get it over with?

[imagine]

Tell her that you are committed to your marriage and desire only good for her and the family.

 

Tell her that you feel that he has usurped the position of confidant in the marriage. Be frank, tell her that you are jealous. Tell her that you are in distress. Ask her what it would take to show that you are serious about rebuilding the marriage.

 

Note responses.

 

Get tips on romancing from MARRIAGE BUILDERS website.

 

Should she pooh pooh your statement, try this...

Arrange for an estate agent to come around to give advice as to sale of the property. Explain that you are prepared to move house and business for the sake of the marriage. Seriously consider this as an option. Check her reaction when you bring home articles that investigate emigrating

 

Go to the OM directly and ask him what his intentions are towards your wife. If he says he is just being company for her. You may venture to say that you think that cross gender ministry is inappropriate. Tell him that this situation has most definitely brought about great tension in the marriage. Insist that he never makes contact with your wife again!

 

Get a trace from her cell phone if you need to find his address. Else, fabricate a story and contact the wife's work. Do what you gotta do!

[roswellguy]

Soda

This guy fills a need that you are not providing. Talk to her one more time before you throw in the towel. It may be conversation or something she feels she needs and maybe they connect like soul-mates but enough of that bs!

I have been married for over 30 years. My wife met a younger guy that her sister was dating and she started writing to him. Sh even showed the letter she wrote. Like a dumb ass i let her send it. I don't know if he ever wrote her back but he and I almost got into a fight over her later. It wasn't his fault it was my wife's. The same is true in your case it is all her fault. if she needs to paid attention to let it come from you not OM.

Like the other posts my knee-jerk reaction is to bar her from seeing him but that doesn't seem to do any good. Consult a lawyer and see what your options are. If anything, she is having an emotional affair and that is cheating.

[Dark-N-Romantic]

Yes your being a little paranoid. Has there ever been a case of infidelity on either of your parts? Especially with someone you or she thought was suppose to be a friend and turned out the person was not? Have you cheated on her an she not know about it and now that all these issues are coming up, the stress of what you did in secret is coming back?

 

I personally don't think you have anything to worry about. She is kind of right, you are being paranoid and a little controlling. Back off, let her have her friends, but DO invite him over once in a while. See what he is really like, that is totally reasonable and I'd say responsible of you. For all you know he just might be one of those con men or smooth talkers that your wife might not realize and he talk her into something that is uncharacteristic of her. So, yeah, you are paranoid, but there are sensible things you can do to ease your fears and let your wife make the decisions of her own friends that she should have the right to.

 

 

DNR