wife's male friend

[Chrome Barracuda]

Do you actually believe she isnt cheating DNR???

 

C'mon man all the evidence points to guilty. all he needs is hardcore proof. Like catching them in the act. We've seen it plenty of times. oh he's just my friend, nothings going on, then distance, then pointing nfingers to the innocent party, then hanging out, then the secrets, then the lies.

 

If you notice everything has a pattern.

[cherrymoon]

Hi,

I had to recheck the dates on this, it could have been my poor husband writing this.

Soda, this man is well aware of what he is doing and is while chatting to your wife also trying to ride her senseless. Excuse my bluntness but this is exactly the situation I found myself in 2 years ago and I lost my marriage because of it.

 

I have as does my husband plenty of plationic friends of the opposite sex. Whenever I had issue with one of his friends he never listened and I was always right.

 

He never had issue with my male friends bar one, a fat, bald, uglier, older guy. He was right, I thought he was being ridiculous. Life for me was awful and I was leaning on this friend very innocently but the more I leant on him the worse my life got, H never said a word but he became unbearable and at one point violent, I was running to OM as friends do HA! what a dickhead I am. Before I knew it I was in an affair and convinced I loved him.

 

I stopped the affair after my Husband wrote a letter to me explaining how mad he was going over this friendship. I ended the affair. O M wouldn't hear of it and text me I texted back I got caught.

 

I want my husband and my life back. I only ever loved my husband he made it difficult so many times over our 16 year relationship to love him but I do.

I regret with every mm of my soul for what I have done made worse by the OM telling me it was his intention from the first minute he met me in his office (I am such a tit )

 

nearly 2years later My H and I are attempting to fix our marriage we have four beautiful children. I miss my husband every second of everyday but in truth I hurt the man who adored me more than life itself, yes he sees how badly he treated me at times but he didn't deserve his wife to be such a whore.

 

I will never forgive myself. I doubt he will ever really love me again.

Make her stop and save your marriage she may be so lost, like I was.

[soda]

Cherrymoon, thanks for the honest reply. It helped me understand that my feelings aren't crazy.

 

I hope your husband gains the strength to forgive you. Your facing a tough road, but I encourage you to work hard daily at getting your number 1 love back. It seems like you've learned much from your mistakes. I'm confident that you can do this.

 

I'm not confident that my own situation will end well, though. I'm 'eh' about my marriage after this period. I'm thinking that it would kind of be neat to let her experience the fat old ugly bastard she pines for. She'll give up kids, her home, and her self respect. OK...I'll let her be so stupid. However, sometime stupid is permanent.

 

I hope your experience ends better.

[whichwayisup]

I'm thinking that it would kind of be neat to let her experience the fat old ugly bastard she pines for. She'll give up kids, her home, and her self respect. OK...I'll let her be so stupid.

 

She's so stuck in the fog aka affairyland she can't see reality. One day she WILL look back at this with TONS of regret, but by that time it'll be too late.

 

However, sometime stupid is permanent.

 

True.

[Chrome Barracuda]

That right which. sometimes you cant fix stupid. they have to fix it for themselves.

[soda]

Stupid is going through the motions of MC, agreeing to concentrate on the marriage, and then slipping back into the cycle of B.S. Stupid is thinking that nobody else is filling me in on the information that she thinks I don't know.

 

Stupid is her believing that I don't have any means of catching her in her lies or that I'm not going to divorce her and expose the kind of person she's become when I do. I guess she doesn't know me as well as she thinks she does.

 

Her latest lie will be the breaking point when I catch her -- I already know for a fact that I will. In fact she'll allow me the luxury of exposing her by the end of this week. To be honest, waiting for the hard evidence was extremely painful and time consuming, but watching her destroy her reputation as a moral person, her career and the trust she's built with friends will be just desserts.

 

It's going to be a while before I consider dating again, although I'm not at all worried about being alone for any length of time. I'll be busy having kids to raise while she goes through her experience of regretting what she asked for. Explaining to her kids what she decided to do is exactly what my dad had to do once upon a time. When I grew up, I decided not to forgive his cheating. You don't just cheat your spouse, you cheat your kids too.

 

Eh...not the greatest week of my life but I'm about to wrap this up.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Whats going on? Did you find out something that you know she's doing?

 

Sounds like it to me? At least you sound calm about it.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Her latest lie will be the breaking point when I catch her -- I already know for a fact that I will. In fact she'll allow me the luxury of exposing her by the end of this week. To be honest, waiting for the hard evidence was extremely painful and time consuming, but watching her destroy her reputation as a moral person, her career and the trust she's built with friends will be just desserts.

 

That sounds like bad news.

[soda]

Yes...I found out information from a very unexpected source. I've held off on confronting her about it because all she's going to do is deny, deny, deny, and I'm sick of hearing it.

 

It's taken a lot of energy and emotion to remain calm.

[pelicanpreacher]

Yes...I found out information from a very unexpected source. I've held off on confronting her about it because all she's going to do is deny, deny, deny, and I'm sick of hearing it.

 

It's taken a lot of energy and emotion to remain calm.

 

Can this evidence be explained away as a misunderstanding or are we talking about the brutal and graphic truth?

[soda]

I'm relying on what a person told me. It's always possible to explain that away. I'll be able to confirm that what I've learned is true this week.

[ntroublealways27]

Ok to the guy who started this post. I am just like your wife, I too found a friend way older than me 20 yrs older to be exact. He is one of my son's baseball coach. I have never given my husband (who I have been with for 9 yrs ) any reason to think I would ever cheat on him. I have been upfront and honest with him about everything from day one. Also from day one he knew how I was and that I get along better with men than women. I am a "tomboy" so to speak. I like sports, fishing, camping etc. I would rather do any of this than shop or get my nails or hair done. So I do tend to have more guy friends but this one for some reason he took it to heart. (I guess because he isnt friends with him) However he has been invited to our outtings and they talk at the games. But my husband isnt interested in getting to know him any more than that.

 

However he too felt the same way as you in the beginning. We fought for weeks over this but I was very persistant in letting him know I was not going to terminate our friendship. I have no interest in this man at all. Im not sure if you two have any children but once a woman stays in a house for years and raises kids it seems the only thing she knows is kids and baby talk. But my situation is a bit more than that. I feel like I have noone to talk to . I have a close family but they are very close minded and judgemental. If I try to talk to them im judged immediately (what does this have to do with your friend you ask?) He doesnt do that he sits and listens and gives me his honest opinion honestly I think of him as a father figure. He is very sweet and compliments me alot. Which my husband lacks in this area. But still no feelings for him. He just makes me feel great about myself.

 

If your wife has never cheated on you or in previous relationships and she is open and honest with you about everything I would say there is nothing to worry about. She is just comfortable talking with him and going out places. I am the same way. I will go to lunch with him, or even talk to him on the phone for hours at a time even when my husband is home from work ill sit down and talk to him. Im comfortable with this because I know that I love my husband and could never imagine my life without him and I know that I would never mess around. Im not that type of person.

 

I finally sat down and explained it to my husband for the 10th time and found a way to make him understand what I was saying. We live next door to his parents, I wanted to know how he would feel if he didnt have his mom or dad to talk to when he had a problem or a question. He said he would hate it. I said that is exactly how I have felt for a long time and now I have found someone that I can say is like my dad. Of course there was alot more to this convo but in the end he understood what I was saying and we are fine now. So maybe just sit back and look at everything .

 

However dont get me wrong everyone is different. She may feel something different. Just watch for changes. Less Sex with you, frequent showers, attitude changes, sexual marks (hickies, inner thigh bruising,etc.) dramatic changes in the way she dresses or fixes her hair / makeup. Not answering cell phone, money missing, unexplained tardiness, etc.

 

Try not to question her to much if there is no obvious changes . If you continue to question her she may get like I did and say well screw this if you have no trust in me then why am I even bothering? I strongly believe Trust and honesty is two of the top things that keep a marriage together. Have faith in her, and trust. Everything happens for a reason. Everyone needs friends. I have a variety of friends. Some I know I could tell anything to and then others that I wouldnt dare. Each friend I have holds something different to me. For example. One I can talk to about this and then another friend about another matter. They arent all the same. Maybe she found this guy to be someone she could talk to about something she cant with her girlfriend.

 

Hope this helps

 

Just remember :

 

Have trust in her. Let her know you love her very much and will always be here for her.

[ntroublealways27]

Wow looks like you found stuff out and no way to trust her. Sorry buddy. Wish she was like me , someone who cared enough about her husband, kids and morals and not do the unthinkable. So Sorry.

[soda]

ntroublealways -- your friendship with your son's coach seems legit to me. I wish my wife's "friendship" were just that.

 

It's the fact that she's put all of her emotional energy into someone else that's scarred our marriage. I've had opposite sex platonic friends in the past and so has my wife. I know the difference.

 

If he's just a friend, she shouldn't have to lie about her friendship with him. It destroys my ability to trust. I'm confident that she's never been physical with him, but she's now resorted to lying about the relationship.

 

It makes me wonder what's to come...and what the truth even is anymore. Anyway she's about to be caught in one lie too many.

[lkjh]

ntroublealways27--Although it obvious that you only want to be friends with the baseball coach how do you know that he just wants to be friends. The problem with these friendships are that women really do believe that we just want to be friends and that we are harmless but in reality most of the time the guy wants something else. Im not in a relationship and I have plenty of girls that would consider me a friend and I would hook up with most of them. It is pretty inappropriate for married individuals to make close emotional friends with the opposite sex simply because most of the time one party wants something more than friendship. Most affairs begin as "just friends" that can talk and relate.

[ntroublealways27]

soda- I understand what your saying im sorry that it is going this way for you.

 

LKJH- Im sure he feels the same way. He has never said anything out of line to me to make me think otherwise and we have been talking since March. He also is married and has kids as well. If he was to ever try and make a move or become flirty I would let him know that is not acceptable and Im not ok with it. If he wishes to continue a friendship with me then he cant do that again. If he does it again that is when I will draw a line and let him know our friendship is over.

 

I know that I could never feel anything for this man. For many reasons. First and the most important is the love I have for my husband. I lost my first husband when I was only 17 so I know life is precious as is love. Its not everyday a man walks into your life that is a great person. I feel very lucky to have him.

Second I cant see a relationship with a man who is 5 yrs older or younger than me let alone 20. I think people who do this (no offense to anyone this is only my opinion) are only in the relationship for one thing and generally its green (money)...

Third I care way to much about how other people feel and I refuse to ever mess around with a guy who is married and has children. I cant see anyone having a broken family just to get their kicks. ....

 

 

Hope this helps people. I thought it was interesting that I came across this article today thought I would give my opinion.

[ThumbingMyWay]

I already know for a fact that I will. In fact she'll allow me the luxury of exposing her by the end of this week.

 

just thinking about ya soda.....

[soda]

just thinking about ya soda.....

 

Thanks, thumbingmyway. I have lots of friends, a great support network, and I realize that I'll ultimately be happy. I have my health...I make great money...I've been blessed with looks and I've kept myself fit.

 

In other words, my only problem is that I married someone who wants to have her cake and eat it too, no matter what the cost.

 

My only disappointment is that I have kids and I'm going to have to explain the truth to them some day. I remember experiencing this as a child to a CB (cheating bast---). You know, I haven't talked to my dad in over a year because he always thought about himself...and I never plan to again. Father's Day pisses me off.

 

I just didn't wish this same fate on my kids. They think their mom is good. She's not.

[whichwayisup]

Father's Day pisses me off.

 

I bet it does, BUT, enjoy fathers day because you are a father and your kids need to celebrate that day with you, spoil you..Don't let your CB father ruin that for you.

[ThumbingMyWay]

You know, I haven't talked to my dad in over a year because he always thought about himself...and I never plan to again. Father's Day pisses me off.

 

I just didn't wish this same fate on my kids. They think their mom is good. She's not.

 

 

break the cycle soda.

 

thats one thing I learned in MC.

 

My wife had a f-ed up childhood, alcoholic mom, 5 siblings, 3 different fathers. I had a decent childhood, but my dad was and still is selfish and I dont like it either.

 

Break the cycle. What we learn as kids is what we can use on how NOT to be. I learned from my dad on how NOT to be selfish. I am learning from my parents on how I want to be a GOOD grand parent and be there for my grandkids. They pick and choose at the momment.

 

Break the cycle soda. All the things we see along the way, all the things we DONT like. We can use that to help us NOT be that way.

 

 

Did you know that in the 10 commandments, Honer your mother and father is the only one that gives a reward?

 

"Honer thy mother and father and you will surely be rewarded in heaven"

 

I dont like it, my pride gets in the way, but as much as my parents sometimes piss me off, I still honer them and would do anything for them.

 

keep us posted, I hope everything works out for YOU and YOUR kids.

[lkjh]

ntroublealways27 you could be right he may just want to be friends but lets be realistic here, look on this site at how many affairs start out as the woman believing some guy just wants to be friends. I' m not saying you want this but just because hes older and hasn't put a move on you YET doesn't mean hes not thinking it. Also I highly doubt that your husband has now seen the light and is ok with your friendship, most likely he doesn't trust you on this one. I' m just speaking from a guys point a view because I have gone on for years with girls that think I' m not in to them when I would jump at the chance; its just natural. I wouldn't be shocked if your husband resents that fact that you chose this friendship over him. You may not see it this way but most guys would. Just imagine if your husband started hanging out with a woman and when you disapproved over the relationship he just wrote you off. You can't really think that it is respectful to your husband to talk to another man on the phone for hours, go to lunch with him, and form a connection. Look I' m not trying to attack you but women often don't see how men really are, read through some of these post and you will see a lot of affairs start with older men and younger women starting out as friends and that is because older men understand women and how to form emotional connections with them. Honestly the description you made of yourself is a perfect target: you are lonely, usually friends with guys, and judging by your post you are in that point of your life when everything seems routine.

 

I could be wrong and that wouldn't be a surprise but don't fool yourself into thinking that you situation is unique and there is no chance that 2 years down the road nothing could happend because situations like this happen every day and a lot of them end up in some sort of affair. Just go through these forums and count up all of the older men younger women affairs but make some time because there is a lot of them

[Owl]

So were you able to confront as you'd planned, Soda?

[ThumbingMyWay]

They think their mom is good. She's not.

 

 

ya know, my kids think my wife and I are the greatest people in the world, would never do wrong, etc.

 

Fact is we arent perfect, no one is. I try to stress that to my kids. You can Love the person, and still dislike there actions.

 

If my kids knew what my wife did, they would be crushed, seriously let down. On the other hand, if my daugther knew I smoked pot, she would be just as disappointed and let down.

 

Sometimes I wonder if the brutal honest truth is better than sheilding my kids from the evils of this world? In a sense it is, but at the same time its not. I dont want my kids knowing everything at such an early age....but I dont want them to reach an age of true awareness and become blind sided with the ugly truth that LIFE is HARD. I try to blend the 2 as I see fit, but one day will come, that I will have to sit my daughter down and explain that the world isnt always nice and fuzzy. And that day is coming soon I am afraid. There just so innocent and I want to keep it that way as long as I can.

[cherrymoon]

"If my kids knew what my wife did, they would be crushed, seriously let down. On the other hand, if my daugther knew I smoked pot, she would be just as disappointed and let down"

 

Oh my god you smoke pot!!!!!!:eek::eek:

Get thee to hell Sinner!!!!!

 

My kids know, their dad told them. Try telling them off for telling lies or telling My 15 yr old off for being disrespectful. It just doesn't work, I have lost respect for myself and I am telling them not to do just what I did to them.

 

Funny thing is my two boys 12 and 15 told me how angry and disappointed they were but my eldest said " I understand why"

 

How the hell could he? I don't understand why.

I am so grateful that before I had an affair I was a good mother, a loving dedicated mother and wife and My 4 amazing kids still see that.

 

My 7 yr old cut her hair the other day and lied for 3 days about it. I wasn't angry that she cut her hair (it actually looks great) just the playing with sissors , she needs those ears.

Her dad said to her "you mustn't tell lies" then he turns to our other kids and asks them do you tell lies Etc, all say no and then he says an Mummy do you tell lies, i just looked at him and said " I can't answer that" he just looked at me and smiled and said No mummy doesn't tell lies

 

Soda Your wife will die inside when she realises just what she has done.

Kids do honour their parents and I realise now how lucky I am to have that honour and love even when I truly didn't deserve it.

 

Soda she is still their Mum and your dad is half the reason you are who you are, Try to forgive, you will have a higher moral ground and you will feel like you own your world.

 

Wish I could talk to her and tell her what she will lose and what she will feel. One day in my head should cure her

[soda]

So were you able to confront as you'd planned, Soda?

 

Eh, I got nothing. I don't understand.

 

I am at my emotional breaking point. I know that I'm being hurt, but I can't prove anything.