wife's male friend

[soda]

I turned it over to a PI. I can't seem to get my proof on my own. I'll find one way or another to expose W and OM.

[imagine]

Hey there Soda

 

I commend you for your involvement on other threads. I think that this activity therapeutic as well as info gathering.

 

You may have noticed that formally wayward wives comment on the fog that they are experiencing with the OM during clandestine association. There is no baggage that they have to contend with, as in a marriage relationship. Hence stolen fruit is always sweeter.

Further, you may have observed from these same posts, that an intervention occurs or the affair is exposed and reality strikes home whereupon they are trapped, embarrassed, or even occasionally remorseful.

 

Later, they see the foolishness of their actions. Many cases reveal that there is a genuine improvement to the marriage relationship and as a direct result of confronting the crisis.

 

The common thread to breakdown in the relationship is a chink in the armour of those apparently healthy unions. Chief causes are that of taking the other party for granted, lack of healthy communication, lack of spiritual/ material support etc.

 

I do not know the whole of your situation. You have indicated that your interaction become very prim and polite when conflicts arise. I propose that these interactions may inhibit comfortable communication. I suggest that initially that your wife may have found someone with whom she may more easily communicate (and free of marriage baggage). Obviously, she should have avoided this route in favour of employing more fervent measures to approach you, or failing that, consult a professional.

 

I'm guessing that she began confiding conservatively. More is revealed and shared as she gained trust with this person. In fact, this person becomes a dependency just as though she were an addict. Like any addict she will lie and deceive to maintain this drug.

 

Lets consider your position. You are pissed because your wife has disinvested in your relationship. And rightly so! But what do you want? Retribution? Vindication? Compensation? These desires need to be meditated upon. I propose that what you really want (judging from your description of your "former" wife) is- your old wife back again.

 

Think about it. Both of you have put a lot into the marriage and each of you "owe" the other. Finding history in another relationship is impossible and as with all things in life - there are no guarantees in any future partnership.

 

The fact is although you are in the right, you may not necessarily be the winner.

 

Now the alternative: The famous Plan A (marriage builders website).

Briefly Plan A is about preserving yourself while establishing and restoring the emotional needs of your partner and yourself. I kid you not, this can require heavy lifting. The idea is to render the OM useless. There are pitfalls and these are explained and navigated on the aforementioned website (Google it).

 

Soda, this is a direction that will append your existing activities.

 

PS: Do not mention your material position. No offence intended but your wealth cannot help you in this instance. Do not use it as a crutch!

[soda]

PS: Do not mention your material position. No offence intended but your wealth cannot help you in this instance. Do not use it as a crutch!

 

I was just trying to say that I don't depend on W financially. I understand that the emotional scarring of divorce is present no matter what. Money doesn't mean all that much to me. This experience has made me reflect back on my life and my marriage, and I've come to the conclusion that I was probably happiest when we were living paycheck to paycheck.

 

Your advice is great. To be honest, I would love nothing more than to have my old wife back. I've never known anybody that I'd rather be married to than my old wife. She has her flaws, as do I, but they were flaws that I learned to love as part of her personality that I loved with all my heart.

 

I'm having extreme trouble with her "fog" though. It hurts me to know that when something makes her laugh, sad, mad, glad, or needs advice...I'm not the one she thinks to talk to first. You know, I understand that sometimes things are easier to talk about with mom or dad. When I married my wife, I embraced her family. But OM is not mom, and he's sure as hell is not dad...although he's nearly old enough to be hers.

 

I feel like nothing more than a safety net for W. I've told her as much. Her response is to call me jealous of the fact she has friends. I have friends, too, but I wouldn't jeopardize my marriage for them.

 

Time and time again, she denies, denies, denies she's cheating...or "ever would"...but if she's not, she wouldn't be expending so much effort to cover her tracks. There is a partial truth to each of her days, and I have to expend tremendous effort and fight to get anything close to more than that.

 

We're already in MC, and I'm the half that doesn't feel better. Actually, I've known for a while what I need to do to right the ship, but I don't want to regret not taking every step to save my marriage. In the back of my mind, in my memories, there's a good woman that I remember and love with all my heart. I just can't seem to find her in the fog.

 

I guess it's time to get on with my life and just become another statistic. In the end, I think I will be happier.

[Redbull Rider]

Am I being paranoid here. My wife insists that she's not doing anything wrong, but I'm not so sure.

 

 

i havent read the other posts so i hope i dont repeat anything but yeah it sounds a bit paranoid. not that paranoia is always a bad thing but when it leads to arguments it can be.

 

trust your wife. also get some friends of your own. with the stress the year has brought into your relationship perhaps she's found someone she can just blow off steam with and you too might find it helpful to do the same.

[soda]

i havent read the other posts so i hope i dont repeat anything but yeah it sounds a bit paranoid. not that paranoia is always a bad thing but when it leads to arguments it can be.

 

trust your wife. also get some friends of your own. with the stress the year has brought into your relationship perhaps she's found someone she can just blow off steam with and you too might find it helpful to do the same.

 

Okay...thanks, but I'm not paranoid. I only asked that question because I never expected that I'd end up questioning the integrity of the partner I promised to grow old with.

 

I do have those friends that you've suggested...to be honest, the only reason that I haven't talked to them about my struggles in my marriage is because the compassionate part of me isn't trigger-happy to give W the reputation she's earned.

 

Eh.

[Redbull Rider]

yeah i read through the entire thread after posting. i think i'll do the opposite from now on. good luck with it though.

[BettyBoo]

Soda i have not read all the posts but from what I read I really dont think you have anything to worry about.

 

I have been friends with a man who is also married for 18years. Nothing inappropriate has ever happened between us. We share a wonderful friendship and we love each others families. I get on well with his wife and my husband and him get on well. OUr kids get on great.

 

Initially his wife had a difficulty with it but when she got to know me and my own principals and values we have become close.

 

I do think its sad that your wife cannot have a friend without feeling under suspicion. If your wife has been a loyal and loving wife for years why are you being so mistrustful? Surely if anything would drive a woman into the arms of another man would be a husband who is constantly doubting her.

 

My advice which you may not want is this. Get to know the man. Include him the way your other friends are part of your normal life. Hiring a P.I is the worst idea I can think of. If my husband hired a P.I to check up on me I would be furious and seriously reconsider my position as his wife.

 

If you get to know him and you see something that is going on between them outside friendship then tell you wife that you are scared and afriad of losing her.

 

I really hope you can work this out. Your attitude needs to be looked at and the feelings her friendship is triggering in you . Perhaps one your parents was unfaithful and those feelings you had as a child of being powerless are bening triggered. I dont know as I have no knowledge of your history. Examine that closely before you go getting P.I's or doing things that will inflame the situation.

 

I wish you the best. Let me know how you get on,

[imagine]

Soda i have not read all the posts but from what I read I really dont think you have anything to worry about.

 

I have been friends with a man who is also married for 18years. Nothing inappropriate has ever happened between us. We share a wonderful friendship and we love each others families. I get on well with his wife and my husband and him get on well. OUr kids get on great.

 

Hey again Soda

and Hello Betty Boo

 

Please observe this post from an obviously well meaning lady. Bless her for her encouraging and positive input.

 

Bear with me. I shall take a much darker view of this situation.

 

I believe what she says is true..... for now.

 

Lets check it out:

 

Her relationship with her husband sounds very healthy. Consequently, her "love tank" is full and all her major emotional needs are satisfied. Circumstances may change such that more stress is brought to bear on the relationship, for example; work pressure brought on either spouses partner. This may result in more shared "alone" time with each other. Their spouses may even encourage it!

 

Each may then commiserate how grumpy their spouse is of late.

 

It takes only one unguarded moment or expression to plant a small seed. Something like - Oh! if only my wife/husband were more like you. This seed planted in fertile surroundings can grow and begin to bear toxic fruit.

 

This toxic fruit viz. withdrawal, deceit, denial, equivocation appears to have been born in Mrs Soda's case . Therefore, Betty Boo, treat this case as a warning!

 

 

 

Betty Boo did raise an interesting point concerning the trust in a marriage. Clearly, in this case there was ample sign and reasons to distrust. Nevertheless, a barrage of enquiry and cross- questioning would surely cause anyone to retreat whether guilty or not.

 

I believe that trust and transparency is essential to a healthy marriage. They provide an environment that wards off prospective marital onslaught. They are the compass by which to steer the ship.

 

I think that I might share with my wife that my sense of trust was shipwrecked. I would confide inl her that I was confused and floundering. I would ask her if she would be prepared to help me restore my direction.

 

If she sounded cooperative, I would then ask her to take a lie detector test.

 

Whether she agrees to this or not, I ask you Soda, as well as posters out there - What questions would you ask of your suspected WW during the lie detector process?

[soda]

Soda i have not read all the posts but from what I read I really dont think you have anything to worry about.

 

I have been friends with a man who is also married for 18years. Nothing inappropriate has ever happened between us. We share a wonderful friendship and we love each others families. I get on well with his wife and my husband and him get on well. OUr kids get on great.

 

Initially his wife had a difficulty with it but when she got to know me and my own principals and values we have become close.

 

 

It's very sound advice...but...

 

OM seems to have zero interest in getting to know me or letting me get to know him. I've invited him over to my home and I also invited him to go have a drink with me on two occasions and received flimsy excuses on why he couldn't do it. He never made any attempt to reschedule.

 

He only wants to have a secret friendship with my wife, out of sight and mind from me. If they're not doing anything wrong, why does it have to be secret? You seem to be willing to include your partner in on the friendship. My wife makes no effort to do so.

 

I think that I'm done posting here for a while. The advice has been helpful and I really appreciate the time that people have taken to post. I just don't have the emotional energy to process this anymore.

[Owl]

Soda...do you know that she's still in contact with OM or not? Please...take a few to answer that question and my response before you leave.

[soda]

Soda...do you know that she's still in contact with OM or not? Please...take a few to answer that question and my response before you leave.

 

Yes, I do. My D attorney has advised me not to talk about it. She's a thunderous, sharp kid who demands evidence for everything she's going to argue, which is the trifecta for those of you who have kids.

 

She actually pulled me by the hair until I agreed to a 24 deadline for my W to come clean on her own about the truth, with no coaching or prompting. My life has bcome a house of horrors that I'm not ready to embrace because OM is so far down from the food chain from me. Everything that W has ever asked for...she's gotten. OM can't provide any of that...outside of affairyland. If she doesn't start desperately diving into her marriage in the next 24 hours, she gets to end up with what she wants now.

 

I'm not leaving LS. I just need to spend some time helping my kids get on with life and get ready for school. They're a gift, and I'm going to raise them to be good men. OM is not capable of doing so, in any capacity, because he did the wrong thing with money and relationships. (He's about to experience reality, too. W told me too much after drinks once.)

 

Eh. I'll be back to help others learn from my crummy experience. Whichwayisup, Owl, and Chrome...I forget...you are fantastic people. In fact, I love the advice and effort. I hope for a better tomorrow for you all.

May you be blessed.

[demrea]

nm ... will read rest of thread first!

[Owl]

Well...my first advice would be to absolutely follow the advice of your lawyer in this case...if your goal is divorce, the lawyer is unequivocally your best source of help to meet that goal.

 

I don't have much in the way of advice to offer along that path, other than to journal EVERYTHING about your interactions with your wife. Anything you learn about her communications with OM, how she treats you, the kids, the dog...etc...

 

And keep that journal in a safe place she can't access.

 

Other than that...all I can really do is wish you the best, my friend.

 

I do hope you'll remain to offer advice here for as long as you choose to do so.

[Blindsidedagainalive]

My girl introduced me to her lover and I later discovered she was screwing him. He was 15 years older than her and not attractive or intelligent.

That makes it easier to cheat.

Woman feel safer because he is older, and like a queen because they feel prettier.

How disgusted I feel that she introduced me and I shook his hand!!!!!!

 

 

Soda- Did you confirm a physical affair? Weren't you getting a PI?