blushww Posted July 21, 2003 Share Posted July 21, 2003 ok, I'm a bit confused. I started sleeping with one of my good friends about 5 months ago. It was just friends with benefits for a while. He said that he wasn't ready for anything else. I was offered an employment opportunity about 400 miles away. We discussed him moving with me after I got settled, then he decided that he wanted to move into a real relationship with me. That happened about 2 months ago. Then the company I was going to work for had a problem and I ended up not moving. I had told him that I loved him, and he never has said it back. I know that he has been hurt in the past and I understand his hesitancy. I've asked him if it bothered him that I felt that way and he always says no. One night we both were drinking, and I asked him if he loved me. His response was "Do you think I do?". I answered that "yes, he made feel it". Lately though he's been too busy at work or too tired to spend time with me. He also never takes me out or includes me in activities in his life. Things like a party his boss was throwing. I brought this fact up to him. He said that he wasn't ready to commit in that way. When I asked him if he still wanted to be in a relationship with me his answer was "I don't know. He went from calling everyday to calling me once a week. Then tonight when he called, I asked if I was going to see him this week. He said he didn't know. Then I asked if he was still my boyfriend. He said he didn't know! How can I get him to be open with me and honest with himself? If he wants out he needs to tell me. Why would he tell me he doesn't know, when it's a yes or no answer. Please help give me some insight as to how I should handle him. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted July 21, 2003 Share Posted July 21, 2003 Many people who are terrified of intimacy and closeness are just fine having friends with benefits situations. They can be warm, loving and meet your needs quite well. Because there is no official committment involved, there is no threat to them. Once things are upgraded to an honest to goodness committed relationship, a person with a phobia of such grows very uneasy. It has nothing at all to do with you in this case, it has to do with his personal issues. There's something from his past, probably his childhood, that makes him very uneasy when he gets too close to a female emotionally. He could fear abandonment....which is my guess here...or there could be other dynamics involved. Nothing short of a lot of therapy is going to do much good here if I'm right. But it sounds like a classic case of committment phobia to me. If you go back to just being friends with benefits you may find that things will be much better. But unless he gets help he won't be a candidate for a forever deal for you. That's just my opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
abarabarea Posted July 22, 2003 Share Posted July 22, 2003 I wouldn't except "I don't know" for an answer. he may not know, but he needs to make a decision in my opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
Ally Boo Posted July 23, 2003 Share Posted July 23, 2003 That's EXACTLY what I was thinking, Tony. Sounds to me like he does probably care about you to some degree, but don't take that as a ticket for him to "come around." I have a feeling that if you HAD moved over there, he wouldn't have moved with you once you got settled, he would have always had an excuse...he just didn't want to stop the relationship he was having with you. Link to post Share on other sites
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