Can my wife really have not known she was unhappy?

[n9688m]

I have been married for 14 (seemingly) very happy years in a marriage with 2 children (7 and 11). My wife and I are 42. We both have very successful careers, the kids are well adjusted, we go on lots of trips, very rarely do we have disagreements, we generally have had sex 3 times per week, we just did a huge home renovation, last year I had a vasectomy after a discussion about our future, and until 6 weeks ago we were planning our future 10-20 years out.

 

Then it it... 6 weeks ago my wife told me one day "I love you but I am not in love with you." She asked to go to individual counseling and at my request we also went to couples counseling. Then I read her email and discovered she has been having an emotional affair at work for at least 4-5 months and it became physical about 6 weeks before she told me she was not in love with me. She has since broken off the physical part of the affair but still works with this man and communicates with him regularly - she insists he is a friend only and does not acknowledge the concept of an emotional affair. She admits the affair was wrong but says it was a result of our marriage problems, not the cause.

 

Marriage counseling was futile. In fact the affair continued during the first part of counseling. I am particualrly puzzled and angry by what has appeared to be very long-term planning, e.g. vasectomy and major home renovation, if she has in fact been unhappy. She says she did not know she was unhappy for so long and it "just hit her all of a sudden" and now she sees we have "no emotional connection" and do not share enough interests and this is just unfixable.

 

My thoughts/questions are:

 

(1) It seems pretty obvious to me that if she is having an affair with someone else that explains the "no emotional connection" with me but she insists it is the other way around. Am I out of my mind?

 

(2) She says she didn't know she was unhappy all these years but now that she put the pieces together she is sure. Is this really possible to think she is happy for 14 years and then suddenly want to end things with virtually no real attempt at counseling?

 

(3) How can one say she made a credible attempt at counseling if at best she cut off the physical affair but not the emotional affair?

[Mz. Pixie]

Google Marriage Builders and go there. There's tons of information there about this and the whole I've been unhappy for a long time yada yada stuff. There is also a forum you can post in and get advice from people who have recovered their marriages after affairs.

 

They have a plan to help you recover your marriage there. Seriously, check it out.

[n9688m]

Google Marriage Builders and go there. There's tons of information there about this and the whole I've been unhappy for a long time yada yada stuff. There is also a forum you can post in and get advice from people who have recovered their marriages after affairs.

 

They have a plan to help you recover your marriage there. Seriously, check it out.

 

There is nothing to recover. She insists she wants a divorce.

[Mz. Pixie]

I'm telling you- there are people on that site that have recovered their marriages under worse circumstances than this. They all say there is nothing to recover- it's part of the cheaters handbook. Seriously they all say the same things. You may think your sitch is original but it's not.

 

You owe it to yourself to check it out. Check out "What is Plan A and what is Plan B".

[n9688m]

The Plan A and Plan B is interesting - thanks.

 

Plan A will not work because my wife works with this person and refuses to change her job because she says she wants a divorce so it is a moot point. (Yes, I don't understand how she can know her true feelings about the marriage while she is still communicating with him but I can't change this.)

 

Plan B will not work because neither one of us will move out of the house until we have finalized a custdy plan and divided assets and that will involve quite a bit of legal details.

 

So it seems we are stuck "semi-married" for a while while divorce is inevitable. That is - unless somehow her emotions change but that seems beyond my control.

[Tripper]

My thoughts/questions are:

 

(1) It seems pretty obvious to me that if she is having an affair with someone else that explains the "no emotional connection" with me but she insists it is the other way around. Am I out of my mind?

 

(2) She says she didn't know she was unhappy all these years but now that she put the pieces together she is sure. Is this really possible to think she is happy for 14 years and then suddenly want to end things with virtually no real attempt at counseling?

 

(3) How can one say she made a credible attempt at counseling if at best she cut off the physical affair but not the emotional affair?

(1) No, you are not out of your mind, N. As she proceeded deeper into the A, she switched the "emotional connectivity" away from you to the OM.

 

(2) She didn't know she was unhappy all these year?? B******T! She may have struggled with issues in the M, however all married couples have ups and downs. Trust, communication and a willingness to work things out, unfortunately are hard work. It's much easier to have an A for the "feel good" it brings.

However, A's are not real life with the nitty gritty details of the daily grind. The "pay the bills, do the laundry and take out the trash" stuff. They are simply stolen moments when both cheaters are at their best.

 

(3) How do you know she cut of the PA? Do you believe her when she tells you this??

Bottom line is she's going through the motions of MC to assuage her guilt towards what she's done and continuing to do. This way she can say the MC didn't work and it's time to exit the M.

 

I suggest you find out where you stand legally with respect to your children. You shouldn't have to live in a semi-married state until you can finalize things; maybe you can get custody of your children and ask her to move out on her own. If nothing more the threat of her having to find her own living space maybe a dose of reality she needs.

[n9688m]

(3) How do you know she cut of the PA? Do you believe her when she tells you this??

Bottom line is she's going through the motions of MC to assuage her guilt towards what she's done and continuing to do. This way she can say the MC didn't work and it's time to exit the M.

 

I have no way to verify this. I only know what she says. My gut tells me the physical affair is over but frankly it's moot because the emotional part clearly continues and that is just as devastating.

 

I suggest you find out where you stand legally with respect to your children. You shouldn't have to live in a semi-married state until you can finalize things; maybe you can get custody of your children and ask her to move out on her own. If nothing more the threat of her having to find her own living space maybe a dose of reality she needs.

 

One of the few things we agree on is that we should have equally shared physical custody. If either of us moves out then we need a new home suitable for the kids and that will take time to achieve. I don't want full-time custody as I don't think that is best for the kids; I think the kids should spend equal time with us after divorce and my wife at least agrees there. So "kicking out my wife" would also mean kicking out the kids and I don't want to do that until she finds a suitable new home.

[Kenyth]

You can do what you want. You have kids involved so you have their best interests to think about as well. Personally, I wouldn't be enabling her at all. Get new bank accounts in your name only. Don't pay any of her bills. Shut down joint credit accounts. If you're paying most of the mortgage, set her up in a spare room, otherwiseget a spare room yourself. Resolve assets in both your names. If she want's to go out, don't become the babysitter. Don't keep it all a secret. Tell it all to the world if they want to hear it.

[n9688m]

You can do what you want. You have kids involved so you have their best interests to think about as well. Personally, I wouldn't be enabling her at all. Get new bank accounts in your name only. Don't pay any of her bills. Shut down joint credit accounts. If you're paying most of the mortgage, set her up in a spare room, otherwiseget a spare room yourself. Resolve assets in both your names. If she want's to go out, don't become the babysitter. Don't keep it all a secret. Tell it all to the world if they want to hear it.

 

She has been in the guest room for quite some time.

 

Though I earn more than her, she has a very respectable income and is still contributing her salary to the household as usual.

 

Bank accounts and credit cards are not an issue because there are far more untouchable assets (such as retirement accounts) so if anyone tries to remove cash or charge up credit cards that can all easily be settled later on via other assets.

 

Yes to an extent I may be enabling her now. But I'm not sure what else I can do if I am resolved to have 50% custody (not 0%, not 100%) and if I am resolved for the kids to have an acceptable new home when she moves out. The thought of being semi-married for 3-12 months as this is worked out is certainly not pleasant but I am not sure there is a viable alternative.

 

Well there is one alternative - my wife has offered that we could BOTH set up our own 2nd homes somewhere and then each spend half-time back in our marital home alone with the kids. That seems really ridiculous though. And frankly I have a really nice house and I have no interest in moving out to some makeshift rental home part-time considering I didn't have the affair and I'm not the one who wanted out of the marriage.

[Tripper]

Well there is one alternative - my wife has offered that we could BOTH set up our own 2nd homes somewhere and then each spend half-time back in our marital home alone with the kids. That seems really ridiculous though. And frankly I have a really nice house and I have no interest in moving out to some makeshift rental home part-time considering I didn't have the affair and I'm not the one who wanted out of the marriage.

 

Yes, you are in a tough state of limbo. Not in the marriage and not out. Kudos to you for thinking of the children.

 

If she's interested in in having a second home, let her. I agree with you; why should you move out. And if she wants time alone with the kids in the marital home, tell her you'd be glad to stay at a nice hotel at her expense.

 

It seems as if you have a clear picture and a good grip on the situation, at least as well as can be expected under the circumstances.

 

I guess the confusing part, the part that's hard to grasp is according to your post you both were making long term plans and everything seemed normal. The outta nowhere you got blindsided with this.

[n9688m]

I guess the confusing part, the part that's hard to grasp is according to your post you both were making long term plans and everything seemed normal. The outta nowhere you got blindsided with this.

 

Indeed long-term plans. Long-term plans as in I had a vasectomy a year ago. And less than a year ago we added an indoor pool to our house. And a couple weeks before she gave me "the talk" we were discussing potential plans for our careers 10+ years out in terms of how we would work that into family needs. These are all clearly really, really long-term decisions. Then poof - divorce is the only answer. It's baffling to me to say the least.

[Tripper]

And a couple weeks before she gave me "the talk" we were discussing potential plans for our careers 10+ years out in terms of how we would work that into family needs. These are all clearly really, really long-term decisions. Then poof - divorce is the only answer. It's baffling to me to say the least.

 

Did you ask or did she volunteer any information about why she would have this kind of a discussion then shortly thereafter ask for a divorce??

 

It's not like you just wake up one morning and decide you are unhappy in a marriage and want out. It almost sounds as if she was playing you while waiting for the OM to make some sort of a decision regarding their A and relationship.

 

Just wondering because the way this unfolded just doesn't seem right. There had to be something going on in the background unbeknown to you.

[tinktronik]

This may very well wear off. Your W supposed she was unhappy all these years b/c she was lacking the spark and newness and joy and RUSH she gets from the new A. This happens in every new R.

 

So she looks back and realizes she has been without that for a long time , when in reality, no R sustains it's newness.

 

Thus, she was UNHAPPY and did not know it.

Hogwash, this rush will go away in her affair soon enough and she will look back and realize she has been unhappy for ______ amount of time in her A.

 

I say protect yourself in every way possible , see an attorney and go for all you can, that is the way D works, wether you want it to or not. If you are soft she will be hard, it may look like everyone is going to play nice and sweet, like friends but D rarely ,rarely, rarely ever works out this way.

You'll want to say "no my W would never do that," but buddy your W has already been sneaking around behind your back to meet her own desires against the best interest of you or your children. Protect yourself.

 

Do not agree to leave your home even to just stay at a hotel for a weekend, this could be construed as abandonment giving her the upper hand. Your W has decided that her needs are the MOST important needs. You need to play hard-ball , get real, and decide that your families needs are the most important, wether she wants to participate or not.

If you are weak on this you will wake up a year from now realizing that your W has moved her Affair Partner into your family home and they have all set up house together with your kids, and YOU are paying for it.

Don't be a fool b/c you love her or think she will be amicable.

[n9688m]

Did you ask or did she volunteer any information about why she would have this kind of a discussion then shortly thereafter ask for a divorce??

 

She said she did not know until "one day I had an epiphany and it all came together." I agree that seems ridiculous.

 

A week before "the talk" she did mention - in bed of all times - that she thought I was somewhat distant and she wanted to be sure I was happy. It just seemed like a bad-day-at-work sort of thing and I said sure I was happy and specifcially asked her if SHE was happy or had anything to talk about. She said no. When I later asked her why she told me this when she was in fact having an affair at the time and clearly contemplating divorce, she said she was uncertain about the divorce and didn't want to upset me by raising the issue if she wasn't sure.

 

Of course this is the crux of the situation. Clearly she had concerns or negative feelings for some time but she simply chose not to discuss them. She insists now that the fact I didn't know she was unhappy is an example of why we have "no emotional connection" since I should have sensed it. I say I am not Houdini and she needs to tell me if she is unhappy or upset. She says that shows I don't understand her and cannot understand her communication. I say nonsense - you have to communicate with your partner especially over something this critical.

 

In the end I think the affair is a huge part of this but she adamantly denies that and say the affair is an incidental side issue which occurred because our marriage failed, not the other way around.

 

There had to be something going on in the background unbeknown to you.

 

Agreed - probably the affair.

 

Well interestingly when she gave me "the talk" her first response was to go to individual counseling. Only at my request did we also attempt couples counseling (to no avail). I wonder if there is something more substantial going on with her psycholgoically that she is working on in counseling but she is not talking about it if so.

[Kasan]

Could your wife have know she was unhappy? Most likely not, but I would guess that she didn't know what was causing her unhappiness.

 

It starts with a feeling that something is off, not quite right, but you continue in your marriage because--why would you rock the boat especially when you can't figure out why you are unhappy.

 

You go on planning your life because you assume that whatever is" off" will resolve itself as the feeling has most likely cropped up in the past and was successfully squashed back down.

 

You hit your late 30's and you start wondering if this is all there is. Did you make the right choice in a life partner, if not, do you still have time to find one, you realize that you have become your mother in a younger body. On and on you go..........

 

Most of us have gone through this--some of us have left our marriages, while some of us have "toughed" the feelings and confusion out, and continued on.

 

Google walk away wives.......

[n9688m]

You hit your late 30's and you start wondering if this is all there is. Did you make the right choice in a life partner, if not, do you still have time to find one, you realize that you have become your mother in a younger body. On and on you go..........

 

That's probably correct.

 

So does this end that we divorce and she is happy.

 

Or does she realize thereafter she has made a huge mistake?

[Kenyth]

The grass is always greener. You know the saying.

 

 

The problem now is that the bell is already rung. It can't be un-rung. If she stays, she will never be able to live this event down and will lose some of her freedom for it. She will have lost your trust and knows it. Many cheaters simply can't deal with being the bad guy in a relationship and don't want to admit they were wrong. They will many times leave simply because of that. Even if the OM isn't still there. That was why my first marriage ended and could never be salvaged. She wanted everything to be back to the way it was before, and that was simply impossible.

 

Think of this though. Cheaters are, by nature, very selfish creatures. Do you really want that? Also, in taking her back, you set a precedent for behavior acceptance, and she will lose a lot of respect for you, where there wasn't much to begin with. Some marriages recover from affairs, most don't.

[n9688m]

Think of this though. Cheaters are, by nature, very selfish creatures. Do you really want that?

 

No doubt that's a huge outstanding question. I'm not sure if I want her back. I'd at least like a plausible attempt at counseling.

 

But for now it all seems moot anyway - it's not my choice in any event.

 

I guess my main motivation for even analyzing it now is to understand "Why" so that I am sure not to repeat this in the future. Fundamentally the possibilities seem to be (1) I made a poor choice for a wife; (2) My wife changed after we married; (3) My wife did something to destroy the marriage; or (4) I did something to destroy the marriage. I'm not sure which one(s) is(are) true at this point.

[Kasan]

That's probably correct.

 

So does this end that we divorce and she is happy.

 

Or does she realize thereafter she has made a huge mistake?

 

I really don't know. All I know is that it is horrible to go through. I liken it to a Mid Life Crisis. Most of us go through this in silence, but even in silence, a toll is taken on our partners. I was h*ll to live with and it wasn't fair to my husband.

 

All I know is somehow I got through it, stayed in my marriage and reconnected with my husband.

 

An affair wasn't part of my MLC.

 

I'm not sure what to tell you--an affair is something that I could never tolerate, no matter what the reasons are/were. Only you know what your limits are.

 

Will she realize that she made a mistake? Not if she is still in her affair "fog."

 

There are many posters here who are of the mindset that if your wife wants a divorce, then you should grant her one. Others think you should leave no stone unturned to save your marriage either by counseling, or reading books, or visiting websites that deal with affairs. Again, only you know how far you want to take this.

 

I am sorry that you are going through this, and I wish I had some inspirational words that would soothe you and help you through this awful time.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Indeed long-term plans. Long-term plans as in I had a vasectomy a year ago. And less than a year ago we added an indoor pool to our house. And a couple weeks before she gave me "the talk" we were discussing potential plans for our careers 10+ years out in terms of how we would work that into family needs. These are all clearly really, really long-term decisions. Then poof - divorce is the only answer. It's baffling to me to say the least.

 

I think you need to just completely detach. It's over, let her go!

 

The faster you start moving on physically and emotionally the better. Are you in a place where you can start dating?

[n9688m]

Are you in a place where you can start dating?

 

Emotionally - definitely. I've even purused match.com just to get a sense of things

 

Physically - impractical if I am still living with my wife

[Nomad1]

N9688M - I have been in a very similar situation to yours. With mine, it started as an EA, which she persistently denied for a good 8 months. This was with a guy 10yrs younger, in jail awaiting deportation (she was visiting him weekly), a former heroine addict (ideal candidate for a Gerry Springer Show, I am telling you!). She managed to bail him out, I kicked her out since she had access to one of her dad's empty properties - I refuse to be disrespected. She is now seeing the guy. She told me she loves him and wants to spend the rest of her life with him. I wished her good luck. We have 3 boys, 13, 15 and nearly 17. Access is 50/50. I have moved on - I am with another woman now and things are going great. I filed for divorce back in January, it should come in the post any day now. The Ex thinks that she is the victim in all of this as she could not help it. She insists on us being friends and spending family time together. I do it for the boys, but find her presence nauseating!

 

So N9688M - Be indifferent to her. Start dating. Ensure your children are your priority, because they are certainly not hers. If you can stay friends / civil, do it for the kids. They do stay part of your life for a long time when there are children involved. I feel pity for my ex. I think she is going through a phase of insanity. You be the stronger person for your kids!

 

Take care

 

Nomad

[Untouchable_Fire]

Emotionally - definitely. I've even purused match.com just to get a sense of things

Physically - impractical if I am still living with my wife

 

Not impractical, just difficult. Take that match.com and look for women in a similar situation. If you are near a metropolitan area, then I would bet that there is a pool of currently separated women you can talk to. I think you would benefit from talking to someone in a similar situation.

[n9688m]

Not impractical, just difficult. Take that match.com and look for women in a similar situation. If you are near a metropolitan area, then I would bet that there is a pool of currently separated women you can talk to. I think you would benefit from talking to someone in a similar situation.

 

Could be - we'll see how long it takes to resolve this. Thanks.

[Chrome Barracuda]

I wish you the best, but let me tell you some more things. She cannot be just friends with the man she had the affair with, That is a bunch of crap. The quicker you expose the affair to friend and family being the cause of where your marriage is heading the better they would understand. She cant be a perp and play the victim.

 

The fact of the matter is if she wants to divorce she should be the one to move out. But dont let her leave without people knowing she's the perp.

 

Women and men who cheat will always find a way to rewrite the marriage and have people blame you for the demise because they dont want to be reminded of their evilness.

 

IT's not being vindictive, she may get angry and whatnot, but tell her it's the truth!

 

There's better women out there that's not married. Just get your mind right and get your business straight before you date and have the papers filed because people always accuse you of cheating after the fact.

 

I've read so many times here when the cheating spouse always says, well they cheating on me now anyways. Which is a bunch of BS.

 

But it sounds like you have a great future ahead of you. just detach and move on.