Can my wife really have not known she was unhappy?

[n9688m]

The quicker you expose the affair to friend and family being the cause of where your marriage is heading the better they would understand. She cant be a perp and play the victim.

 

Agreed... of course to her friends and her relatives she has somehow been able to tell them of the affair and still allege she is the victtim ("I was so lonely," "He didn't appreciate me"). So be it. Her actions speak for themselves.

 

A much harder question will be what to tell the kids someday. Clearly at 7 and 11 the answer is to tell them nothing. But someday if/when they wonder why I don't think they ought to think we share the blame equally. Yet I hear from others that badmouthing the other parent can often backfire. I'm not sure there.

[TrustInYourself]

(1) It seems pretty obvious to me that if she is having an affair with someone else that explains the "no emotional connection" with me but she insists it is the other way around. Am I out of my mind?

 

(2) She says she didn't know she was unhappy all these years but now that she put the pieces together she is sure. Is this really possible to think she is happy for 14 years and then suddenly want to end things with virtually no real attempt at counseling?

 

(3) How can one say she made a credible attempt at counseling if at best she cut off the physical affair but not the emotional affair?

 

Interesting situation, I can relate. It's so interesting how one week everything can seem to be fine and dandy, then the next week everything is totally different. I feel for you and I hope you have the strength and love to get through this situation.

 

If she's ready to move on and you're ready to move on as well, that's a good sign. At least you're on the same page with her emotionally concerning this divorce. It takes some courage to realize and come to that decision to leave. It's a strange sensation realizing that you deserve more than what your wife is willing to give.

 

1) Possibly, but you're not looking for justification for her to have an affair. She's speaking now from a perspective where she's already decided to leave you. Emotional connections are a matter of perspective. Her perspective currently is detachment. She's ready to take on this divorce.

 

2) She wasn't unhappy the entire time, but there were issues that made her think she was unhappy at times. She didn't say anything at those times because her love for you outweighed the unhappiness she felt. Eventually those type of feelings are going to silently destroy her love for you. Communication and honesty open these doors sometimes, however, I'm going to take a guess here and say that since you are both working and raising children, sometimes you deal with distance and lack of time for proper communication. It's hard trying to find a balance between day to day life and the most important relationship in your life. I'm sorry this came as a surprise to you. I was shocked. I felt pissed because of the lack of communication on her part. Sometimes it's a matter of us guys not really listening to all the clues. Sometimes it's a matter of the girls just not willing to deal with the confrontation with us guys. There's all kinds of issues. Men are from Mars, Women from Venus kind of issues. lol

 

3) I think she ended the PA so that she can feel like she's doing this for her own happiness rather than the OM. The EA can be justified as a "work relationship" and something she doesn't have to feel as guilty. The "problems" that existed prior to her affair are just justifications for her actions. She knows she has made a mistake and she's doing the best she can in her situation. That's unfortunate, because I really believe that if two parties communicate and show enough understanding they can work out any issue, as long as they are willing, the love was there once, and they are rational, caring, human beings.

 

My suggestion, speak with your wife. Listen to her. Try and understand her. Love her. Let her go. I would just toss out the negative emotions of hate, anger, resentment, jealousy, and sadness when dealing with her. Reflect on them if you must, but I've found life is easier to handle with a smile rather than a chip on your shoulder.

 

It sounds like you are handling this situation as best as you can. I know underneath that it hurts like hell and I hope you can take strength in posting here. Take care.

[Kenyth]

My thoughts/questions are:

 

(1) It seems pretty obvious to me that if she is having an affair with someone else that explains the "no emotional connection" with me but she insists it is the other way around. Am I out of my mind?

 

(2) She says she didn't know she was unhappy all these years but now that she put the pieces together she is sure. Is this really possible to think she is happy for 14 years and then suddenly want to end things with virtually no real attempt at counseling?

 

(3) How can one say she made a credible attempt at counseling if at best she cut off the physical affair but not the emotional affair?

 

 

1. It's BS. The term "emotional connection" is quite subjective and ethereal, so it makes a fine excuse to justify adulterous actions. The simple fact of the matter is that you're supposed to end your marriage, THEN find someone else. Everything else is fertilizer.

 

2. Seconds on BS. A lot of people are good at writing fiction. Once again, it's all unprovable and subjective, thus making a fine excuse to justify her actions.

 

3. It's the third helping of BS and I'm pretty sure by this time she needs a napkin. The token "counseling" is simply another check box on her list of things she needs to do to feel justified and righteous, along with the supposed termination of the physical affair. That won't last long, if it ever even stopped. If I had fifty bucks to bet on it, I know where I'd put MY money.

 

 

I just thought I'd give you my particular view on your questions. Best of luck to you. I'm sorry for your sorrows.

[n9688m]

I'm going to take a guess here and say that since you are both working and raising children, sometimes you deal with distance and lack of time for proper communication.

 

That is no doubt true (and much of the other stuff you say - thanks). But of all things I had a vasectomy just over a year ago. Clearly we talked about long-term plans at that time. It seems to me downrght cruel to not be open at a time like that.

 

 

My suggestion, speak with your wife. Listen to her. Try and understand her. Love her. Let her go. I would just toss out the negative emotions of hate, anger, resentment, jealousy, and sadness when dealing with her. Reflect on them if you must, but I've found life is easier to handle with a smile rather than a chip on your shoulder.

 

That is probably good advice - but a bit harder when now we are adversaries splitting assets [and pretty considerable ones at that]. Among other things I had had to draw the line in the sand at the house. It's enough that she will take half our net worth, half the time with the kids, maybe my fertility [perhaps that can be undone], etc... I don't have the mental energy to set up a new house on top of that.

[Kenyth]

You have talked to a lawyer about the division of assets, yes? Don't agree to anything until you know what the law says about it.

[Kasan]

That is no doubt true (and much of the other stuff you say - thanks). But of all things I had a vasectomy just over a year ago. Clearly we talked about long-term plans at that time. It seems to me downrght cruel to not be open at a time like that.

 

I'd guess there was a good chance that she was still planning a life with you when you had your vasectomy.

 

It's hard to be open if you don't know what's wrong--and that could be her case.

 

Just sayin...........

[n9688m]

It's hard to be open if you don't know what's wrong--and that could be her case.

 

Could be.

 

But if she didn't know what was wrong how was I supposed to know, i.e. she thinks I "didn't meet her needs" so she was "lonely." How was I to know that if even she didn't know that?

[Kasan]

Could be.

 

But if she didn't know what was wrong how was I supposed to know, i.e. she thinks I "didn't meet her needs" so she was "lonely." How was I to know that if even she didn't know that?

 

Can I ask you what you are looking for here on this site? Do you want to end your marriage or do you want to try to save it?

 

I'm not trying to be flip, but how can we help you?

[Nomad1]

Kasan - you are offering an interesting perspective here. I guess you are talking from where you stood when you felt the way you did (I hate the term MLC as it pathologises people in my view). Your perspective resonates in many respects with the way a female friend of mine rationalises a certain woman's behaviour that appears irrational to me. Is it true that men think differently from women?

 

Nomad1

[TrustInYourself]

Of course women think differently than men.

[n9688m]

Can I ask you what you are looking for here on this site? Do you want to end your marriage or do you want to try to save it?

 

I'm not trying to be flip, but how can we help you?

 

Good question.

 

I suppose what I most want is to save my marriage but that seems beyond hope at this point - or at least beyond my control. If anything the more I fight it the more convinced she is that she is right. The only slight glimmer of hope (and I think it is slight) seems to be for me to just go along with it and hope she changes her mind at the last minute.

 

But assuming it does lead to divorce, which seems inevitable, I suppose what I am looking for is some insight into (1) What caused this, i.e. did I pick the wrong wife or did she change or did I do something wrong or did she do something wrong; and (2) How do I prevent this same thing from happening next time?

[TrustInYourself]

Could be.

 

But if she didn't know what was wrong how was I supposed to know, i.e. she thinks I "didn't meet her needs" so she was "lonely." How was I to know that if even she didn't know that?

 

Exactly, there's no guide to knowing how to be a good husband. Just asking doesn't cut it either. We have to "KNOW" when things are not right. Communication break downs are the bomb diggity!

[Kasan]

Kasan - you are offering an interesting perspective here. I guess you are talking from where you stood when you felt the way you did (I hate the term MLC as it pathologises people in my view). Your perspective resonates in many respects with the way a female friend of mine rationalises a certain woman's behaviour that appears irrational to me. Is it true that men think differently from women?

 

Nomad1

 

It's been pretty well documented that men do think differently than women.

 

It has been my experience that men are "fixers" by nature, while women are "nurturers."

 

So what happens to a woman who is a nurturer and the kids are well on their way, she still looks pretty good, and she is fairly young? The restlessness creeps in and the niggling doubts that were squashed come to the surface.

 

She goes to her husband and says honey, I'm not happy. The husband says tell me what's wrong and I will make it better--and the wife says you don't spend enough time with me, and he says okay, let's go away for the weekend. Problem solved in his mind.

 

They go away, and things revert back to status quo, and she is still unhappy, but continues on because she doesn't want to break up a marriage because she is a nurturer.

 

Now in my own personal experience, my husband noticed my "bitching" stopped and for some reason red flags went up for him. He noticed that I had checked out of the marriage.....and I was planning on leaving my marriage.

 

I'm not saying it's right nor am I looking for validation, but just trying to give you some perspective and understanding from a woman's POV.

[Tripper]

I guess my main motivation for even analyzing it now is to understand "Why" so that I am sure not to repeat this in the future. Fundamentally the possibilities seem to be (1) I made a poor choice for a wife; (2) My wife changed after we married; (3) My wife did something to destroy the marriage; or (4) I did something to destroy the marriage. I'm not sure which one(s) is(are) true at this point.

 

People in long term relationships do change. The question is are the changes in both convergent or divergent?

 

In the scramble to accumulate assets, bear and raise children, move the career ahead changes are often not perceived right away.

 

So I don't think you made a poor choice for a wife; how are you to predict future behaviour and thinking if she gave you no indication of it.

And you probably both changed, however the foundation of any marriage is trust and communication. You can't read minds... well at least I can't.

 

Did your wife do something to destroy the marriage?? You bet!! She didn't communicate her unhappiness until AFTER she cheated. So trust and communication is out the window in one swoop.

 

Did you do something to destroy the marriage?? Dunno. Your W lays some bs about not knowing her etc AFTER the fact of the A.

 

I think the bottom line here is that you couldn't foresee any of this, especially if you are having discussions about long term plans.

 

I still think you don't know the whole "hidden" agenda and never will.

[Tripper]

Good question.

 

I suppose what I most want is to save my marriage but that seems beyond hope at this point - or at least beyond my control. If anything the more I fight it the more convinced she is that she is right. The only slight glimmer of hope (and I think it is slight) seems to be for me to just go along with it and hope she changes her mind at the last minute.

 

But assuming it does lead to divorce, which seems inevitable, I suppose what I am looking for is some insight into (1) What caused this, i.e. did I pick the wrong wife or did she change or did I do something wrong or did she do something wrong; and (2) How do I prevent this same thing from happening next time?

 

Let me ask you this - let's say, for argument's sake she recants, tells you what a fool she's been and what a mistake she's made. Let's say it was total honesty on her part. The what??

 

How do you feel about her?? or your M?? There's been a lot of damage done in a very short time. Do you think you have the capacity to forgive her and move beyond this?? Understanding it will take a long time and probably some MC. And of course you'll never forget.

 

How do you prevent it the next time?? Hmmm... well you do have more experience for starters.

I have learned that love is not enough. You and your partner heed to have similar values and views on things like spending money, how to raise children, who does the housework etc.

 

And even then it becomes a crap shoot. Only commitment on both parts will hold it together.

[Nomad1]

Kasan - A very interesting insight. It is like two people speaking different languages and as a result never quite fully understanding what the other interlocutor meant. It is true that men think that anything can be fixed and want to resolve matters quickly, where as by the sound of it, some, if not most women, are on a different wave length. They want to go back to things in the past...eg, the man not showing enough interest...The man thinks, well there is logically nothing I can do about that as it is in the past.

 

This makes it really interesting, because in my experience, at the beginning of relationships, men are less committed, and it may take them years to invest more in a relationship, where as the opposite is true for women.

 

Nomad1

[Kasan]

But assuming it does lead to divorce, which seems inevitable, I suppose what I am looking for is some insight into (1) What caused this, i.e. did I pick the wrong wife or did she change or did I do something wrong or did she do something wrong; and (2) How do I prevent this same thing from happening next time?

 

You need to ask her, although I'm not sure you will the get the answers that will help you move on if you divorce. Once again, it all goes back to communication.

 

You deserve your answers.

 

If you want to try to save your marriage the divorcebusting website has some good resources.

 

If you do reconcile there will be the affair that you will need to work through. Marriagebuilders has info on that.

 

I suspect that your wife will find that the grass isn't any greener on the other side if she is still involved with the OM.

 

Good luck!

[Mustang Sally]

n9688m -

I just read your thread. I don't have much new to add, but wanted to give another vote for "Your wife is rewriting the history of your marriage, as she sees it" as the explanation for her seemingly puzzling responses to you.

 

FWIW, it sounds to me like you are the one who is trying to stay grounded and subsequently is getting the shaft, while she is manipulating the situation to her advantage. I'm not saying she's necessarily being malicious about it, but manipulation is manipulation. It appears to me that she is heavily in the affair fog. The marriage may still be over, but it's unfortunate for her (and you and the kids, of course) that she chose this sequence of events (namely allowing an A to be the driving motivation behind one of life's biggest decisions).

 

Sorry for your difficult situation.

[n9688m]

Let me ask you this - let's say, for argument's sake she recants, tells you what a fool she's been and what a mistake she's made. Let's say it was total honesty on her part. The what??

 

Good question - and how I react would depend on what she says and how she says it. It's so far beyond plausibility now based on recent behavior that it's sort of like asking me how I would react if a lady from Mars told me tomorrow she wants to make love to me. I guess it all depends.

[Tripper]

Good question - and how I react would depend on what she says and how she says it. It's so far beyond plausibility now based on recent behavior that it's sort of like asking me how I would react if a lady from Mars told me tomorrow she wants to make love to me. I guess it all depends.

 

N, I threw that question out since you stated you supposed you wanted to save the marriage. And in most questions I would applaud that. However in your case the damage was so swift and your W's change so dramatic that I wonder if it would be an exercise in futility. Clearly she isn't the woman you married.

IMHO you now need to do what's best for, firstly your children, then you. This doesn't mean staying in a M that's a sham, but it doesn't mean trying to put something back together that has been shattered.