Wife grows increasingly cold and distant

[mafru4]

Hello everyone,

 

I am experiencing what many here seem to be going through, a wife that says she me loves as a person but does not know if she is in love anymore. We have been together for 8 years, married for a year and a half. We were happy, very happy. We were the couple all of our friends envied, everyone, including ourselves, thought that while we have very different personalities, we were as close and loving as two people can be with each other. About 5 months ago, everything changed. She went from warm and affectionate to cold and distant literally overnight. The pain is unbearable. It began in January, one night when we had another couple over to our home (part of a new group of friends she has recently been running around with from work.) She seems to have developed an unnatural closeness with the woman, to the point where even when they had only known each other a month or so they were communicating 3-5 times a day. There was a great deal of alcohol involved that night, and at some point someone brought up the extremely childish idea of truth or dare. Long story short, at my wifes request this woman and I kissed on several occasions, and she in turn kissed the other man. It all seemed innocent at the time, and the next day while I felt weird I did not really think that it would destroy our marriage.

 

After that night it was as if a light had gone off in her head. She tells me now that she does not think that she loves me, and that we started dating too young and are not compatible. She says that there was no connection between her and the other man, and believes that there is no connection between me and the other woman, who she still remains in contact with and spends most of her free nights with. The problem she says, is that she did not feel any jealousy or anger when seeing me kiss the other girl. She says that we have "been more like roommates and less like husband and wife" for some time. She grows more and more distant with each day and no longer will look me in the eye or respond to any of my gestures of affection. She has also created a list or "issues" that she says have changed her feelings toward me, all of which are completely news to me. We have always prided ourselves on our communication and have had "check up" discussions on numerous occasions, just to make sure we were both happy and to see if there was anything the other would want to work on. While I have taken the new issues seriously and done everything in my power to rectify them, they seem more like reaches and justifications for how she is acting and she still grows more cold and uncaring everyday. My heart is breaking right in front of her and it does not seem to bother her in the least.

 

On top of the changes towards me, her personality has also changed dramatically with others in social situations. She constantly blows off our old friends for her new group, and when she is out with our old friends they say that she is acting very self involved and "stuck up," two things that would never previously be used to describe her. It is like I am living with a stranger in my wifes body.

 

Her new best friend is significantly younger than us. I went out with them the other night, and while this girl is living with her boyfriend of three years, she is constantly hitting on guys at bars and acting single. I think that this is having an effect on my wife, but don't want to push it so as not to come across as trying to control her. In the meantime, my marriage is falling apart. I don't want our marriage to end, but at the same time it is too painful to live with someone who I love with all my heart but no longer loves me back. I am afraid if I ask her to move out so that she can figure things out that she will either never come back or will only realize that I am what she wants after dating other people, a thought that is unbearable. On our first anniversary we laughed at how we had always been told that the first year of marriage is the hardest, because we had made it through with such ease. It is only eight months later and she will not even kiss me goodnight. In January, she said that she wouldn't change anything about our relationship and that I was an excellent husband, and now she can't even bring herself to make eye contact. I don't understand how someones feelings can change overnight, and I have no clue what to do. Can anyone offer advice?

[Tripper]

M, obviously something has changed and there are so many possibilities but one thing seems to appear reading between the lines.

 

Her new friend seems to be central to much of this and your wife may be questioning her feelings toward married life and wanting to be single. Also, I wonder if she's not questioning her own sexuality.

 

Is it possible she's bi or bi-curious??

 

I think you need to have a very open and honest discussion and tell her exactly what you wrote in your post. And then ask the questions "why?" and "what's changed".

 

She may or may not be honest with her answers and may even get angry; you may have to do it with a MC to help probe and referee.

 

But you need to do it. You can't continue to live in limbo, watching your M erode.

[TrustInYourself]

Those kinds of incidents are never innocent.

 

As far as your situation, what do you want? What actions do you have to take to come to a solution. How well do you really understand your marriage if your wife is behaving like this?

 

Ask her to break it down for you. You are her husband, you love her and want her happiness. Listen and be ready to have your world rocked.

[sadhubby]

shes feeling like shes is missing out married life has gotten boring. my wife did similar things at 8 yrs of marriage. i couldnt talk any sense in to her it was as if she was dead not someone i knew. she was telling every one she didnt love me 4 months of this i felt like i was a fish on the line. i went no contact but she would contact me. i was definatley 2nd to all in her life just like you will be soon. there is light at the end of the tunnel i am back with my wife now but be prepared brother for the hardest ride of your life.

[TrustInYourself]

You have no control so just let go. Focus on your life. Turn this crisis into something incredible. Grow from it.

 

Besides, if you are the man for her, she'll come to her senses. You just have to be patient, understanding, and loving. It's really all up to you, you just have to be rational and in control of your own crazy emotions. Be strong and rock out.