Author thewomantoblame Posted June 9, 2008 Author Share Posted June 9, 2008 As to how to tell him, there isn't really any easy way to do it. Treat it like a band-aid. Quick and direct is probably the best way to do it. Ten little words: "Sit down. Guess what? I'm pregnant and you're the father." Trust me, the conversation will start flowing pretty heavily from there on. I'm hoping logic kicks in with him. He's a really great guy and I've adored him for years. Neither one of us was in a place to really be in a relationship right now, so we've stuck to the FWB thing. I don't know how he's going to want to deal with this, but I'm sure he's going to be a great dad. I'm actually not freaking out like I tought I would be as it sinks in. I'm getting really excited. To answer a few other questions... I haven't told him yet. I was busy working an event in town over the weekend and only exchanged a few texts with him over Saturday and Sunday. I really want to tell him in person, so it may have to wait till next weekend. (He has his daughter through the week.) I believe both of us have the right to decide what happens, but terminating the pregnancy isn't an option with me. As for the person that suggested that he wold convince me to have an abortion, no. I know that I couldn't do it and as far as the possible outcomes when I tell him, that is the outcome I think has the least probability. I'm not worried about STD's as I'm sure we're only sleeping with each other. Whenever he has a night away from his daughter, he's with me, except this past weekend. We never discussed birth control. Women have the advantage there. We can see the condom. He may have just assumed I was on the pill, which I was until last month. My doctor took me off to do some blood work and I was told to stay off the pill for three months. Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 If you just went off the pill last month- I am guessing this pregnancy is very, very early. I'd still go ahead and tell him- going through this alone isn't something anyone should have to do. The first trimester is precarious- so regardless... I think it would be nice to get this out in the open and hopefully enjoy some support from him. If you guys have been friends for 12 years and he has a daughter- this is not a new situation for him. Let's face it- you guys aren't teen-agers... this is something you should both be able to handle with maturity. If you don't have to deal with this alone- why do it. Tell him as soon as possible. Link to post Share on other sites
Author thewomantoblame Posted June 9, 2008 Author Share Posted June 9, 2008 If you just went off the pill last month- I am guessing this pregnancy is very, very early. I'd still go ahead and tell him- going through this alone isn't something anyone should have to do. The first trimester is precarious- so regardless... I think it would be nice to get this out in the open and hopefully enjoy some support from him. If you guys have been friends for 12 years and he has a daughter- this is not a new situation for him. Let's face it- you guys aren't teen-agers... this is something you should both be able to handle with maturity. If you don't have to deal with this alone- why do it. Tell him as soon as possible. This pregnancy is very early. I've had people tell me that I shouldn't tell him until after the first trimestr, but if something were to happen I know I'd want him to help me through it. I really think he's going to be a source of support to me through the pregnancy in general. He's always kind been the kind of person that balances me out. We're definitely not teenagers. He's well into his 30's and I'll be there this year. I think I'm going to go with Johnny Blaze's approach and just wait till we're face to face and then throw the "I"m pregnant and you're the father" out there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author thewomantoblame Posted June 9, 2008 Author Share Posted June 9, 2008 Having both been the guy and having other friends who've also been the guy in similar situations, our minds go into logic overdrive. We don't really care how we got here (if a guy can't figure that much out, he's in real trouble). Out of curiosity, do you remember what your reaction was when you were told? Link to post Share on other sites
d0minat3r23 Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 If he already has a little girl than he should be loyal to you, just tell him. Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 I'm sorry but he's never had the " exclusive talk * with you which means just that : I don't want to be exclusive with you. I want to see other girls too thats why I gave us a label of FWB because it works great for guys who want to dip their toes in other pools of water without the burden of any responsibility. Tell him. Curious to see his reaction.... Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 I'm not worried about STD's as I'm sure we're only sleeping with each other. Whenever he has a night away from his daughter, he's with me, except this past weekend. We never discussed birth control. Women have the advantage there. We can see the condom. He may have just assumed I was on the pill, which I was until last month. My doctor took me off to do some blood work and I was told to stay off the pill for three months.And you went ahead and had sex with him knowing you were off the pill and were using no other protection? I know you said you had issues and weren't sure if you could get pregnant, but did you want to get pregnant? You don't have to answer here, but I'm sure he will ask you that question when you tell him you were on the pill and went off it and had sex anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 And you went ahead and had sex with him knowing you were off the pill and were using no other protection? I know you said you had issues and weren't sure if you could get pregnant, but did you want to get pregnant? You don't have to answer here, but I'm sure he will ask you that question when you tell him you were on the pill and went off it and had sex anyway. Great questions. Here is another . It does not matter if the girl says " I am on the Pill , or I can't get pregnant for 6 reasons."... The real matter is : He is having sex with you and its also on HIM to protect himself from an unwanted pregnancy. Which he of course has not done as we have found out... Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 Great questions. Here is another . It does not matter if the girl says " I am on the Pill , or I can't get pregnant for 6 reasons."... The real matter is : He is having sex with you and its also on HIM to protect himself from an unwanted pregnancy. Which he of course has not done as we have found out... Yes, of course, she can ask him the same question - since he had sex without discussing birth control, did he want a child or was he open to that possibility? Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 Yes, of course, she can ask him the same question - since he had sex without discussing birth control, did he want a child or was he open to that possibility? Honestly I don't think he was thinking with the right head when he had sex with her and simply assumed the birth control would be enough protection. I think the vast majority of FWB's are likely not using protection at all and ME thinks the last thing they want from a sexually casual relationship is a new born baby... Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 Honestly I don't think he was thinking with the right head when he had sex with her and simply assumed the birth control would be enough protection. I think the vast majority of FWB's are likely not using protection at all and ME thinks the last thing they want from a sexually casual relationship is a new born baby... He probably assumed she was on the pill if she never brought up condoms. And he was probably enjoying the sex without condoms, so didn't want to raise the issue. Guys are thoughtless that way. Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 He probably assumed she was on the pill if she never brought up condoms. And he was probably enjoying the sex without condoms, so didn't want to raise the issue. Guys are thoughtless that way. I wonder what the vast majority of FWB's think of after finishing inside and never even wondering or caring if they just deposited some fertile DNA or an STD..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author thewomantoblame Posted June 11, 2008 Author Share Posted June 11, 2008 I'm checking in to answer some questions and update the situation. I'm glad that I've waited to tell him. It's given me some time to wrap my head around things and figure out what my position on all of this is. As for the person that suggested that I might have wanted to get pregnant...I've never had a strong maternal desire to have children. I wasn't adamantly opposed to it, but never in my life have I ever actively wanted to have children. That being said, it doesn't mean that I'm not getting excited about this baby. I'm pregnant and need to deal with the issue at hand. I'm going to wait till this weekend to tell him when I can do it in person, As far as him asking about birth control a) it's a little late for that now and b) we've never discussed any aspect of it. We've never really discussed my health problems either, so it's not like I led him to believe that I was barren. We were both negligent and we're both going to have to deal with the consequences. To the person who was asking if I wanted a baby...that's the reaction I'm worried he's going to have initially. The answer is unequivicably, no. I'm in nursing school right now. Kids weren't in my plan at all. I wanted to gradute, go to work and eventually go and work in South Africa with AIDS and malaria patients. A baby wasn't exactly in the life plan. I know he's going to need some time to get used to the idea, but I'm really hoping he does it sooner rather than later. He's a great dad and he obviously has more experience at this than I do. I'm thinking I'm going to go with the "sit him down, I'm pregnant and yes it's your's" approach. Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted June 11, 2008 Share Posted June 11, 2008 I personally think he is going to be mad and create distance between the both of you. Negligent on his part and now he sees what casual sex friends can bring. .. You may have a rare breed on your hands though who mans up to his responsibility.... Not to say men who get girls pregnant don't man up but usually FWBS are a little worse.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author thewomantoblame Posted June 12, 2008 Author Share Posted June 12, 2008 I personally think he is going to be mad and create distance between the both of you. Negligent on his part and now he sees what casual sex friends can bring. .. You may have a rare breed on your hands though who mans up to his responsibility.... Not to say men who get girls pregnant don't man up but usually FWBS are a little worse.... The only thing that leads me to believe that he's going to man up is the way he is with his daughter. I bumped into him today. It was just for a minute so I wasn't able to tell him. I asked about what had happened with his daughter's track and field day. He started spouting off every award she got. It was kind of cute. I know this will probably initiate some distance between us for the time being, but I'd rather him be there for the baby than me. He had just enough time to kiss me, say "Wow" and then we were on our way. I'll have some more time with him this weekend. Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted June 12, 2008 Share Posted June 12, 2008 Good luck with the talk. When I read all the posts, I too thought that the birth control issue was irrelevant- you're pregnant... so it's THAT issue that should be dealt with now. Also agree- that he jumped in as willingly as you did. I imagine the his initial reaction will be complete and utter shock... but I imagine it was the same for you, and since you will be carrying the baby... Well, I am sure that is something you will continue to wrap your head around as the pregnancy progresses. Best of luck to you, D Link to post Share on other sites
Author thewomantoblame Posted June 22, 2008 Author Share Posted June 22, 2008 Just to put an end to things I lost the baby before I had a chance to tell him. We had planned to see each other Saturday night and I began miscarrying Thursday. Needless to say I didn't see him this weekend. I've just kind of holed up alone. He doesn't know and I think it should stay that way. Link to post Share on other sites
missdeathwish Posted June 23, 2008 Share Posted June 23, 2008 Hey, hon, sorry about your loss. :-( I think it might be wise to tell him, anyway. I bet you could use his support. At the very least, now you know that you can get pregnant and that you need to choose some form of protection. You could fudge a bit and say that you got the test results back from the Dr. and found out that it's possible for you to get pregnant. In the interest of honesty, I would tell him the whole story. But it's your choice and you know him better than any of us. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted June 23, 2008 Share Posted June 23, 2008 Just to put an end to things I lost the baby before I had a chance to tell him. We had planned to see each other Saturday night and I began miscarrying Thursday. Needless to say I didn't see him this weekend. I've just kind of holed up alone. He doesn't know and I think it should stay that way. I am very sorry at the loss of your unborn baby. I too have had a miscarraige a few years ago. I hope you are doing better soon . Are you going to tell him still about the baby ? Link to post Share on other sites
Author thewomantoblame Posted June 23, 2008 Author Share Posted June 23, 2008 I'm really not sure I want to tell him. I knew that with telling him about the pregnancy I ran the risk of him feeling like I had trapped him. I worry that if I tell him about everything it's going to seem like some ploy for attention. His support would be nice, and while I'm certain I would have had it in the event of a baby, I'm not sure that he would give me what I need right now. In that event I'd end up feeling even worse than I do now and I really don't want to deal with that. I could really use his support right now, but I'd rather deal with it on my own than have him be callous about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Potatocakes Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 If you feel you could use his support then I would set up a weekend where you two would get together(as before) when you are sure you're ready to tell him. Make sure you'll have plenty of time alone to talk about everything, let him know that you were going to tell him but you were waiting for the best time. If you have longer to talk about it and its not just blurted over the phone then I doubt he'll think you're doing it just for attention. Link to post Share on other sites
BentSpine Posted July 14, 2008 Share Posted July 14, 2008 I'm really not sure I want to tell him. I knew that with telling him about the pregnancy I ran the risk of him feeling like I had trapped him. You DID trap him. Since you didn't reveal that you had gone off the Pill, he didn't even get the chance to responsible by putting on a condom. He didn't have the knowledge that you were unprotected. The women, who suggested to wait before telling about the pregnancy, simply disgust me. Link to post Share on other sites
martinhogg Posted July 14, 2008 Share Posted July 14, 2008 Hi, I am not yet cleared from question but, i will try to give you suggestion. If you don't wanna shamed so you done abortion. It is good for everyone. Thanks Christian Dating Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted July 15, 2008 Share Posted July 15, 2008 You DID trap him. Since you didn't reveal that you had gone off the Pill, he didn't even get the chance to responsible by putting on a condom. He didn't have the knowledge that you were unprotected. The women, who suggested to wait before telling about the pregnancy, simply disgust me. It is ultimately up the male ( as well ) to make sure he creates no babies too. That means if a really hot girl wanted you badly and she said " Oh don't worry about a condom , I am on the pill " Would you happily do the deed or would you STILL put a condom on , knowing you wanted no children right now ? Seriously you can't believe ALL women are going to be honest about the pill that you have having sex with ? Some women want babies and might not be a strong frame of mind to tell you honestly she is hoping you poke her and make a baby. Link to post Share on other sites
BentSpine Posted July 15, 2008 Share Posted July 15, 2008 I DO expect a regular friend with benefits to let me know when she is fertile and when she's not. Regarding condoms, so far I haven't heard anyone, man or woman, tell me it enhances their pleasure to use condom compared to without. What pisses me off here is that a man who cares about the pleasure of his woman, will then avoid condoms if possible FOR HER SAKE too. Wanting a child is a legitimate need. Turning into a liar by omission and making the man believe you're protected, on the other hand, is a horrible deed. Women, start living your life with integrity: Don't lead the man on. If you conceived, do you really think the grown up child will be proud of you having lied by omission? Link to post Share on other sites
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