How do I get over my insecurities?

[ZenSilk]

I'm struggling with the way to get over my insecurities and hope someone here has some insight into this kind of problem. The people I meet usually think I'm a very strong and independent woman, but the truth is that deep down lies a big fear of being abandoned. This leads me to being in situations of codependency or of emotional dependency. Also, it's led to me being unable to face people who had treated me badly, because I always thought I was responsible for it and was afraid of a conflictive situation with them.

 

For the last couple of months, I've been trying to change this, but now I get the feeling that I've done too many changes too fast. Most of the friends that I had during my university years are very insecure people too. I met most of them in an extracurricular activity that I've now stopped going to. This means that I'm abstaining from a group that used to be my biggest source of support and self-esteem. I started work three months ago and at first I felt very brave about this new phase; I've met new people, most of them being perfectly secure people. Of course hanging out with these new people allows me to fall out of my usual pattern of being surrounded by insecure or scared people. However, I find myself now quite challenged by this...

 

I'm exposed to several situations in which I feel extremely insecure, with some having withdrawn from me or just being themselves but not the usual "I'll-do-anything-so-you're-not-mad" people. This only has made me be feel more like people are in train of leaving me, and the way I react to this is by being even more insecure. I get upset if I don't get invited to something, I am oversensitive to certain comments, etc. This is of course more pronounced with people I feel closer to. I realize by doing this I'm putting more pressure on my friends and even driving people away who had dealt with my insecurities quite fine until now. This makes me get into a vicious circle of being controlling/insecure etc.

 

Most of my friends have by now told me either that they're worried about me or that I'm acting weirdly. I find myself doing some progress, small steps, but then I feel like the people around me only notice when I fall back to the old patterns, and not the times where I could control myself and not freak out over things. This results in me feeling observed, both with old and new friends, and actually feeling pretty uncomfortable in social situations. I'm way out of my comfort zone, I realize this is part of facing the fear, but it's interfering with my daily life!

 

Now, in order to get over this, I've already started some things:

* exploring things I like, like books, music or movies, in order to increase my feeling of self-worth without needing other people for it

* trying to concentrate on work, so I feel I have a productive day and some goals (however, my motivation isn't as high as when I was at university)

* I want to start working out again, as this is a mood booster

 

Still, I find myself falling back to my old patterns quite often and being really hard on myself when I do. The fact that others comment on that makes it harder for me to be a bit compassionate with myself, or accept that this is something that will take time to change. And then I tend to doubt a lot.

 

Am I really being to hard on myself? To what extent should I just "accept" that I'm insecure? I want to have healthy relationships, so I definitely want to work on this, but did I really change too much at a time? Was it a bad move to distance myself a bit from some of my insecure friends? Is it normal to feel so lost when one faces a fear like this? I feel like I have no stability, that I have to create it myself every day, I don't get it from my environment like I used to... on the other hand I feel like I have more possibilities, that I'm more open to the world, but at the same time still very scared of really just being myself.

 

Any ideas or comments would be greatly appreciated.

[Sabledoux]

I was touched by your comments. It made me think of a pamplet I read. One of the stipulations of the course is not to force it on anyone. You'll know when some one may be ready to read it.

I live in Nashville, Tn and on our local cable channel a woman name Betsy Thompson gives a lecture on codependency that is so truthful, honest and functional that when you understand it, you'll have a brand new perspective. http://www.innercityministry.org/Content/staff.asp this is the link to the staff of innercityministry of which she is a member. Ask her for the pamphlet "we are not alone". I want to say that this information is excellent for anyone regardless of their faith. It is a concise, to the point pamphlet that is to be read at a slow pace. I hope this information is useful to you.