Trialbyfire Posted June 3, 2008 Share Posted June 3, 2008 You can still have wonderful romance and deep deep caring and love without sex. why aren't people supposed to have premarital sex? Again remind me... I wonder if there is a correlation between those that are very anti cheating (no excuse for it) and if they put such a big importance on sex itself in their own R's. I could see being in a R with a wonderful person who could not have sex for physical reasons and still loving them just as much with or without it. Of course I would cheat on them to have sex in my life! :lmao: I could also have sex with someone just for the pure desire without emotional baggage. I love my close friends but I wouldn't want to have sex with them or want to live as wife/wife or man/wife with them. As for the correlation between anti-cheating and sex being of high importance, the correlation for me is that I view sex, not as an appetite for casual consumption but as the natural progression of intimacy between two people who romantically love/care greatly for each other. As for pre-marital sex, I strongly believe in it. There's no way I would ever marry anyone without ensuring they're of the same high drive. You're welcome Mustang Sally. I'm flattered that you feel I've expressed it. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted June 3, 2008 Share Posted June 3, 2008 Could you even imagine knowing you would never have an opportunity again to have sex, when your partner just eh' no thanks. nope, never imagined marriage would include that scenario, but you know what? You eventually convince yourself sex isn't worth it when your partner's just not into ****ing you, but for some stupid reason he's the only one you want to be sexing. There's a whole lotta monkey-spanking going on, a whole lot of fantasing about hooking up with someone who wants to make you scream BINGO more than once a year (if that often), and a whole lotta guilt for even wanting sex in the relationship when your partner happily does without. And sometimes, a whole lot of resentment for those same reasons. yet, it's not as bad as one would imagine, except for those truly hormonal times of the month, which can be handled by a thorough spanking of the monkey. Why should I be forced into stepping outside my marriage to alleviate a need that can be handled in house, especially when he's otherwise affectionate? Sex isn't the be-all end-all of a relationship unless you're looking to procreate. You learn to adjust when adjustment is needed. still, I'm waiting for the day someone figures out an honest-to-goodness Spanish Fly that'll get my husband randy and ready to put out when i'd like a little bit of action Link to post Share on other sites
tinktronik Posted June 3, 2008 Share Posted June 3, 2008 Could you even imagine knowing you would never have an opportunity again to have sex, when your partner just eh' no thanks. nope, never imagined marriage would include that scenario, but you know what? You eventually convince yourself sex isn't worth it when your partner's just not into ****ing you, but for some stupid reason he's the only one you want to be sexing. There's a whole lotta monkey-spanking going on, a whole lot of fantasing about hooking up with someone who wants to make you scream BINGO more than once a year (if that often), and a whole lotta guilt for even wanting sex in the relationship when your partner happily does without. And sometimes, a whole lot of resentment for those same reasons. yet, it's not as bad as one would imagine, except for those truly hormonal times of the month, which can be handled by a thorough spanking of the monkey. Why should I be forced into stepping outside my marriage to alleviate a need that can be handled in house, especially when he's otherwise affectionate? Sex isn't the be-all end-all of a relationship unless you're looking to procreate. You learn to adjust when adjustment is needed. still, I'm waiting for the day someone figures out an honest-to-goodness Spanish Fly that'll get my husband randy and ready to put out when i'd like a little bit of action Very honest, very well put and exactly what some of us did not put so well into words.Thanks QA. Link to post Share on other sites
a4a Posted June 3, 2008 Share Posted June 3, 2008 Could you even imagine knowing you would never have an opportunity again to have sex, when your partner just eh' no thanks. nope, never imagined marriage would include that scenario, but you know what? You eventually convince yourself sex isn't worth it when your partner's just not into ****ing you, but for some stupid reason he's the only one you want to be sexing. There's a whole lotta monkey-spanking going on, a whole lot of fantasing about hooking up with someone who wants to make you scream BINGO more than once a year (if that often), and a whole lotta guilt for even wanting sex in the relationship when your partner happily does without. And sometimes, a whole lot of resentment for those same reasons. yet, it's not as bad as one would imagine, except for those truly hormonal times of the month, which can be handled by a thorough spanking of the monkey. Why should I be forced into stepping outside my marriage to alleviate a need that can be handled in house, especially when he's otherwise affectionate? Sex isn't the be-all end-all of a relationship unless you're looking to procreate. You learn to adjust when adjustment is needed. still, I'm waiting for the day someone figures out an honest-to-goodness Spanish Fly that'll get my husband randy and ready to put out when i'd like a little bit of action So are many....... But got to wonder, some spouses that are not interested in sex or really care about sex as a real need (don't think it is a need) may turn down a real "spainish fly" solution. Link to post Share on other sites
Pyro Posted June 3, 2008 Share Posted June 3, 2008 This is a spin off from the thread about cheating and the positive sides. It got me thinking of something as I read those replies. Let's say someone is in a sexless marriage, and as an example a4a used, lets say all other areas of the marriage are good. Do you think that the person who wants sex the most and not getting it, could remain in that marriage for the rest of their lives and not cheat and seek sex elsewhere? I was talking about this very thing with a buddy of mine earlier and I was telling him of these threads. He said in his opinon, he felt that a person who wanted sex the most and for whtaver reason wasn't getting it, WOULD seek it elsewhere and would NOT go the rest of their life without any sex, period. What do you think? Do you think its possible? I'm sure its very possible, but I wouldn't do it. If my marriage came to the point of where no sex was happening, then chances are that something is not right with the marriage and we would attempt to solve the problem or we would go our seperate ways. Link to post Share on other sites
a4a Posted June 3, 2008 Share Posted June 3, 2008 I'm sure its very possible, but I wouldn't do it. If my marriage came to the point of where no sex was happening, then chances are that something is not right with the marriage and we would attempt to solve the problem or we would go our seperate ways. Would you want your wife to feel that way about you if you had an issue with getting or maintaining an erection? Of course this is based on a physical problem.... but mental issues also interfere with sex drives. Perhaps sexless people have some serious mental issues... physical issue is more valid than a mental one? Link to post Share on other sites
Pyro Posted June 3, 2008 Share Posted June 3, 2008 Would you want your wife to feel that way about you if you had an issue with getting or maintaining an erection? Of course this is based on a physical problem.... but mental issues also interfere with sex drives. Perhaps sexless people have some serious mental issues... physical issue is more valid than a mental one? A physical condition is one thing because its something that you were born with. Thats something that you really can't help, unless a medication of some sort is being used. For me, it depends on the mental issue. It could be from insecurities or jealousy or from something else. Some of these conditions can be fixed and some can not. I really can't answer that question unless I was to be in the situation myself. It all depends on alot of things. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted June 3, 2008 Share Posted June 3, 2008 ah, A, that's when you get creative and slip it into his drink. Or when he's willing and his willy isn't able, you offer it to him :laugh: then chances are that something is not right with the marriage why do people automatically assume something is wrong with the marriage for the physical act to not take place? There are couples in perfectly loving relationships who are blindsided when depression kicks in, when health problems abound, when gravity, nature and the aging process occur. Eventually, sex slows down in every monogamous relationship because of the body's aging process. You can't always assume there are other "problems" affecting the marriage! Link to post Share on other sites
blair08 Posted June 3, 2008 Share Posted June 3, 2008 I guess its possible. Monks do it. They are not married but exactly my point. If they can remiain that way, I suppose others can too. I'm not sure why they would want too though. Sex is a inportant human need. Link to post Share on other sites
Pyro Posted June 3, 2008 Share Posted June 3, 2008 why do people automatically assume something is wrong with the marriage for the physical act to not take place? There are couples in perfectly loving relationships who are blindsided when depression kicks in, when health problems abound, when gravity, nature and the aging process occur. Eventually, sex slows down in every monogamous relationship because of the body's aging process. You can't always assume there are other "problems" affecting the marriage! You make some great points and this is one of the many reasons why I like this place so much. I hear different POV's about something and it helps me see things from a different perspective. Of course there are reasons like aging where you can't really help it. Depression is an example of a mental problem that I feel can be dealt with by support and patience from the SO. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted June 3, 2008 Share Posted June 3, 2008 This is a spin off from the thread about cheating and the positive sides. It got me thinking of something as I read those replies. Let's say someone is in a sexless marriage, and as an example a4a used, lets say all other areas of the marriage are good. Do you think that the person who wants sex the most and not getting it, could remain in that marriage for the rest of their lives and not cheat and seek sex elsewhere? I was talking about this very thing with a buddy of mine earlier and I was telling him of these threads. He said in his opinon, he felt that a person who wanted sex the most and for whtaver reason wasn't getting it, WOULD seek it elsewhere and would NOT go the rest of their life without any sex, period. What do you think? Do you think its possible? NO.. it's not possible if the partner not getting the sex is the man.. I think that, in general, women can go without sex for a very long time... men can't... I remember with my first ex.. I would have gone without it for months.. I didn't mind it.. we had numerous fights over sex.. he wanted a lot.. I didn't. I told him he could get a mistress but he didn't want that.. Oh well. I left.. then I went nuts for sex.. go figure.. Link to post Share on other sites
a4a Posted June 4, 2008 Share Posted June 4, 2008 ah, A, that's when you get creative and slip it into his drink. Or when he's willing and his willy isn't able, you offer it to him :laugh: then chances are that something is not right with the marriage why do people automatically assume something is wrong with the marriage for the physical act to not take place? There are couples in perfectly loving relationships who are blindsided when depression kicks in, when health problems abound, when gravity, nature and the aging process occur. Eventually, sex slows down in every monogamous relationship because of the body's aging process. You can't always assume there are other "problems" affecting the marriage! Q you are dead on here. They are not having sex so they really don't love eachother.... Lets see how does that old saying go? "love is - when two people mingle genitals" - yeah that is what love is! Actual love, caring, friendship, respect, and commitment can go along with sex ... or love and sex can be separate and be just as great on their own. Perhaps too many people confuse sex with love??? Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted June 4, 2008 Share Posted June 4, 2008 Quank makes sense about aging, reducing drive, although it depends on what age we're talking about. Right now, I'm talking about people who are between the ages of twenties to early sixties, in good health. Perhaps too many people confuse sex with love??? Or do too many people distance sex and love, in that one is an appetite and the other a friendship? Different strokes... Link to post Share on other sites
tinktronik Posted June 4, 2008 Share Posted June 4, 2008 Quank makes sense about aging, reducing drive, although it depends on what age we're talking about. Right now, I'm talking about people who are between the ages of twenties to early sixties, in good health. Or do too many people distance sex and love, in that one is an appetite and the other a friendship? Different strokes... I don" think you can qualify a non-sexual R as just a friendship, if there is romantic involvement it is still a R. Many couples sustain a R with their partner that does not include sex, but it is still a loving romanic relationship that is very different from any friend relationship I have ever seen. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted June 4, 2008 Share Posted June 4, 2008 I don" think you can qualify a non-sexual R as just a friendship, if there is romantic involvement it is still a R. Many couples sustain a R with their partner that does not include sex, but it is still a loving romanic relationship that is very different from any friend relationship I have ever seen. In order for us to be on the same page, please define "romantic involvement". Link to post Share on other sites
a4a Posted June 4, 2008 Share Posted June 4, 2008 Quank makes sense about aging, reducing drive, although it depends on what age we're talking about. Right now, I'm talking about people who are between the ages of twenties to early sixties, in good health. Or do too many people distance sex and love, in that one is an appetite and the other a friendship? Different strokes... I think love goes way beyond just friendship... but friendship is a major part of the "love" thing. I don't believe in starry eyed stares and butterflies. Those are BS and pass in a couple of months. I believe you can have a totally satisfying sex life with someone you are not in love with and be totally in love with someone you are not having sex with. Or do most people fall in love once the penis hits the vagina... does that seal the deal? Link to post Share on other sites
a4a Posted June 4, 2008 Share Posted June 4, 2008 In order for us to be on the same page, please define "romantic involvement". Holding hands, spending quality time together, saying I love you, you are wonderful, snuggling up, (I don't do any of these things with friends). Just a few examples. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted June 4, 2008 Share Posted June 4, 2008 I think love goes way beyond just friendship... but friendship is a major part of the "love" thing. I don't believe in starry eyed stares and butterflies. Those are BS and pass in a couple of months. I believe you can have a totally satisfying sex life with someone you are not in love with and be totally in love with someone you are not having sex with. Or do most people fall in love once the penis hits the vagina... does that seal the deal? As I said, different strokes. Some can compartmentalize, others can't. It's reliant on how you're wired. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted June 4, 2008 Share Posted June 4, 2008 Holding hands, spending quality time together, saying I love you, you are wonderful, snuggling up, (I don't do any of these things with friends). Just a few examples. The bolded three I actually do with my close friends. I can hold hands and snuggle up to someone I don't love. It's part of the early dating ritual. Link to post Share on other sites
a4a Posted June 4, 2008 Share Posted June 4, 2008 As I said, different strokes. Some can compartmentalize, others can't. It's reliant on how you're wired. Holding hands, spending quality time together, saying I love you, you are wonderful, snuggling up, (I don't do any of these things with friends). ^ could you do those things and not have sex and still be happy? Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted June 4, 2008 Share Posted June 4, 2008 Holding hands, spending quality time together, saying I love you, you are wonderful, snuggling up, (I don't do any of these things with friends). ^ could you do those things and not have sex and still be happy? No, not in a romantic relationship (marriage) between healthy, non-aged individuals. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted June 4, 2008 Share Posted June 4, 2008 I don" think you can qualify a non-sexual R as just a friendship, if there is romantic involvement it is still a R. Many couples sustain a R with their partner that does not include sex, but it is still a loving romanic relationship that is very different from any friend relationship I have ever seen. In the latter years of their marriage, this is how it was with my parents - my Dad was chronically ill with congestive heart failure, high blood pressure, emphysema, and for the last 14 months or so, with cancer. Obviously he wasn't able to function sexually for a long time due to his illness - prior to becoming really ill they had an active sex life (don't ask how I know, I was traumatized). My mother never did cheat on my Dad. Even to this day, nearly 2 years after his death, she remains faithful to her marital vows. Won't date. Won't even consider being partnered with another man for companionship or anything. To her, my Dad was "the one" - and she wants no one else in her life. But the way she cared for him while he was dying was the most tender and loving gesture I have ever been privvy to witness. It was not mere friendship that kept her at his side, 24 hours a day, until the moment he passed away. She would even prepare her meals and eat next to where he was comatose for the last few weeks. She never left his side for an instant. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 4, 2008 Share Posted June 4, 2008 My mother never did cheat on my Dad. Even to this day, nearly 2 years after his death, she remains faithful to her marital vows. Won't date. Won't even consider being partnered with another man for companionship or anything. To her, my Dad was "the one" - and she wants no one else in her life. Yes, this sounds familiar. In our case, after caring for him for about 3 years at home (for cancer), he died, and, subsequently, for the 18 years after, until she developed dementia, my mom didn't have any interest at all in male companionship and/or dating. She had her 31 years with someone she wanted to be with and that was that. I know the last 10 years prior to his death were relatively sexless (due to his illness), so she went a significant portion of her life without sex and was otherwise an energetic and strong-willed woman. Sadly, for me anyway, experiences I had while caring for her told me that her libido was indeed still intact but misdirected due to her disease, but did not in any way diminish my respect for her. On-topic, and divergent from the male norm, sexual desire in myself flows from emotional and spiritual intimacy, rather than from raw libido. So, in a R/M devoid of or with a dearth of those components, I have no problem going without sex (don't desire it). I miss the intimacy but, if there really is no intimacy outside "the bedroom", the sex, to me, seems like a lie. Again, not the norm, but rather a unique perspective. Link to post Share on other sites
Untouchable_Fire Posted June 4, 2008 Share Posted June 4, 2008 I don't believe in starry eyed stares and butterflies. Those are BS and pass in a couple of months. I totally agree! I have to laugh at all the people out there who are completely convinced that those feelings make or break a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 4, 2008 Share Posted June 4, 2008 But, then again, when you see and hear such comments from people who have been together for decades, you have to wonder Link to post Share on other sites
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