Panic! Breathe.... PANIC!!! Breathe.

[kizik]

Yah. I know. I know the truth of this in my bones. I know he loves me. I know know know he isn't ready for a commitment. I don't excuse his shhitty behavior. I just also allow that I'm rather shhitty myself at times. And okay, I also make some mistakes in judgment too. NOT ALL! Just some.

 

Let's be very fair. The worst things GD has ever done to me are telling me some lies about not terribly important things and he's hurt my feelings. I've done the same.

 

GD is a good man. I complain a lot but that's because it's a nice safe place to complain a lot. And also, I think, generally a safe way to work through things that are often difficult to work through even with friends or professionals. So I do that. It probably paints GD in a worse picture than he deserves.

 

I mean the following in the nicest way possible:

 

In Carrot, I see someone who is incredibly confused and in denial in regards to the status of her relationship. I also sense a HUGE fear in being alone, which is completely understandable.

 

Carrot, you post on here about what an ass this man is, yet you get defensive when members such as TrialbyFire try to help.

 

I understand that you love him, but he is not the key to your happiness. You say you're not making excuses for him, but that's exactly what you're doing... "He loves me, he's a good man." That sounds exactly like an emotional and/or physical abuse survivor.

 

Whatever... it just bothers me when people ask for help, and get upset when they receive it.

[carrotgirl]

Whatever... it just bothers me when people ask for help, and get upset when they receive it.

kizik, well received and don't worry, when I'm not the mushy emo mess, I'm able to stand even not so tactful as you are!

 

I hope you're not too upset. I'm not upset in the slightest at any of the comments or observations made. Quite the contrary, I appreciate them all. I'm gathering, reading, absorbing, talking it through and doing it over and over again. Obviously, I need to work this out for myself because as we all note, including me, I'm not happy with myself now.

 

It's confusing for me to feel I love him this minute, I can't stand him the next. I'm writing this out for my own benefit first and these are my emotions. They change. There are weeks and weeks where GD is wonderful and then there have been more recent days where he's not so wonderful from hour to hour. I understand it a lot better given the context of his trip this week.

 

So I understand that it's confusing to read from the outside looking in.

 

The duality isn't the result of mind control or wishy washyness. I'm sorry for having annoyed. I annoy myself with this over-thinking too if it's any consolation. But if you're worried, you can go back and read through the posts. I'm consistently back and forth, but you should also see, GD and are consistently not abusing each other, at least not in the standard sense of abuse.

 

Make no mistake, if we consider abuse to be any unwanted behavior, then we're both very guilty. I took a little page from Sedgwick's recipe book and Sed, forgive me, I've been tomato sandwiching GD to the point of insanity! And I do it because I KNOW it will bother him. He doesn't want them and because I KNOW he won't ever complain about being tomato sandwiched because that would be the height of being a Giant Douche wouldn't it?

 

But don't think I don't know he wants to throw the tomato sandwiches at me instead of eating them. No, I don't make him eat them but he feels compelled. And so he eats them. A LOT of them. Now you all might not call that abusive, but I know it isn't nice at any rate. I don't think I'm all that different from lots of people. I think what is different is I'm copping to it.

 

And the relationship is confusing because ... it is.

 

Carrot

[carrotgirl]

I'm not here to tear you apart from GD. Where I stand is that I hate to see you hanging onto someone who won't give it his all. It's been over 8 months since you joined LS. Eight months of being unhappy whether you're apart in no contact or together in a dating situation. How long will you allow this to go on for?

 

Let's pretend that you get beyond this and it magically becomes an exclusive, committed relationship. The stereotypical next step would be to either move in together or get engaged or both. Imagine how torturous that would be, with this constant push/pull of emotions.

 

Imagine using that time instead, to move on from an uncommitted man and finding yourself someone who is mature enough to commit.

Thanks Tri. Yah. We don't like the same things I've been doing you and I. The hanging on, I don't like seeing me do that either. Screw GD's part in this. It's about what I'm doing, not him. That's really been the point all along. I'm not happy with myself. I think if I was functioning better, happier, I wouldn't care so much about whatever he did or didn't do. I'm going to need to spend some more time with this.

 

Carrot

[carrotgirl]

BTW, thank you everyone for helping me get through night 1 and day 1.

 

This is where I tend to think the excitement will be. Would have been?

 

Just one more day until GD has a whole new set of women to occupy his time.

 

My boss, my friend, the CTO and antagonist (yah, we made it all up the other day) he loaded me with such a heavy workload that between that and you all here, I've been almost completely occupied. He and I have never once discussed GD in personal terms. It's the most self-editing the man's ever done with me in the whole time I've known him.

 

I don't fool myself into thinking he doesn't wonder though. And what he knows is that GD went away without Carrot. Friend and CTO has been keeping me inhumanly busy. I think this was done with purpose seeing as he gave me next week off. Which funny, the whole reason we argued was because I'd wanted to take some time THIS week.

 

It's a very nice thing to be so distracted. No imaginings of GD in bed with his ex. The president just called. I need to get a life! Yah. Politics is TRULY not what I want for the rest of my life. If GD is really there, and I'm not sure he is, but if he is, it will be much easier to part ways. There's more to life than The Hill.

 

Says Carrot!

[carrotgirl]

Was I just thankful for being so busy? I take it all back. Nothing like getting virtually bitch-slapped in the middle of the night on the weekend by the corp chief, CTO and CFO for not first considering and whether it's appropriate to take a phone call from the president.

 

W T F was I supposed to do? Disconnect the president? These people deserve for me to quit. At this point, imagining GD in bed with his ex is a holiday. GD running for senate? Glorious. Put me down for mute Washington arm candy. I won't even trade "switch" jokes with Arianna.

 

I turned my phones and peripherals off. Not mute. Off. There is no other escape. I'll be in hot water for doing it but I can't take the pressure anymore. I feel like I'm going to have a heart attack every other day.

 

This IS without doubt 99% of why I am so miserable. This IS without doubt 99% of why GD is so unhappy with me being so miserable.

[carrotgirl]

I got about 3 hours sleep.

I feel about 100 years old.

I'm afraid to turn on my phone.

I miss GD. I miss his smell.

 

Carrot

[carrotgirl]

I had to check msgs. GD had phoned while I was being shhit all over last night and I missed it.

 

All devices are off again.

 

Carrot

[carrotgirl]

Night 3 has begun.

 

Come join the Carroty fun thread here:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t154700/.

 

!!!

Carrot

[carrotgirl]

Carrot notes: Hosting a virtual Carrot party and then falling asleep without even finishing her cocktail was very rude and also made for a new pink spot on the carpet where the cocktail spilled.

 

I just got back from lunch and I don't know. I was left thoughtful some more. The restaurant was nice and very relaxed. It was great to hang with my friend. We talked about everything that wasn't GD! Gardening, his kids, his wife's new business, the research I've been looking at, the economy, kung fu.... and just as we were finishing up our entrees, he asked about GD.

 

I said it's becoming clear that our problems strongly track MY problems with my career and current situation.

 

My friend nodded in the affirmative and said this is something he's been seeing as a pattern with me for years. Ouch. He said you have a demanding career and you give it 115%. There isn't much of you left over for a relationship. That kind of commitment and workload doesn't jive with a love life.

 

I said I'm seeing it everywhere now and not only with GD. The stress isn't attractive. Often, it gets me nutty and not so much fun. And I can see when we were together (before the break) I siphoned much of GD's calm and energy to soothe myself. I didn't do this with intent but I recognize it now.

 

So we talked briefly about what could be done and came up with nothing appealing.

 

As we were walking out he asked if I could babysit for them the night GD returns. I said maybe. I'd have to get back to them since I had a date planned with GD but I'm thinking it would be better for everyone if I cancelled.

 

And this friend of mine who I expect to say things like, that sounds like the right thing Carrot or I'm glad to hear you're moving on Carrot, or we all love GD but... My bud did the unexpected. He reached for my arm to get me to stop walking.

 

Carrot.

 

What?

 

He said, It's your decision whether or not you go on your date of course, but did you consider if he is counting on it? If he is using his anticipation of seeing you to get him through whatever issues he has to work through during his trip? Like avoiding temptation perhaps? If he is and you cancel it will be a very bad deal for him.

 

I couldn't stop laughing. Of course I hadn't considered that. Who would? It's a fabulous fantasy but that's magical thinking taken to a new level for me! Nutty! And I said all of that still laughing. He said, I was completely serious. Just think about it.

 

So here I am thinking some more. Does this question bear consideration? It sounds too, too wonderful a way to think about GD... That he would miss me that much? Or have need of me that much?

 

Any insight, personal experience anyone? Is this a guy thing? Have you ever felt what my friend is suggesting?

 

Carrot

[carrotgirl]

Night 4. Still haven't talked, mailed or other with GD. I don't think I will until he comes home.

 

I'm still marvelling at my friend's gentle interference. We chatted briefly this evening. They found a babysitter.

 

A lot was said in that short conversation. I'm not really ready to write it out but I feel very loved and very lucky.

 

Carrot

[carrotgirl]

I'm having a full on freak attack with nerves, shaking, panic, the works.

 

I'm scared about how I will be when I see GD. I don't know what exactly there is to be scared of but about ten minutes ago I started feeling scared and now I'm just trying to control it before I do something I will later regret.

 

Carrot

[carrotgirl]

I got through my earlier panic by getting a bikini wax. It's hard to think of anything else during that. Also, I'm preparing for a date.

 

I'm not panicking just now. Though I'm not sure I have it in me to go for dinner. The fantasy is nice but maybe I'm not feeling it. Conflict and fear are formidable passion killers.

 

I'm scared of being hurt again.

I'm scared GD will blow dinner off.

I'm scared he won't blow dinner off (and I'll have to keep the big girl panties on, the idealogical ones anyway).

I'm scared of hearing things I don't want to hear.

I'm scared not to hear what GD has to say.

 

I think if I'm unwilling to take the risk for him then that is really a decision isn't it? And I think that if I am open and tell him things that are scary and hear what he has to say, then I'll be pleased.

 

I, I, I. So many Is. I don't think I've written so many Is here before. I'm not sure of myself at this point.

 

Carrot

[carrotgirl]

Night 6 begins.

 

I'm hairless and tanned and completely unready to take on the world tomorrow. I just want to crawl into bed, pull the covers over my head and wake up in about 80 years.

 

Carrot

[carrotgirl]

Night 7. I'm quite chill. Interesting....

 

Ya know? I hate the whole love is in the air I'm feeling it fantasy. And yet, something good is twanging my cosmic wire. It's impossible to ignore.

So, I'm enjoying it.

 

Carrot

[Trialbyfire]

Good luck carrot! I'm sending you my share of positive synergies.

[LikeCharlotte]

It's almost over. I had a friend that used to tell me:

"It doesn't matter what you do as long as you look good doing it."

 

I keep that in mind whenever I have to do something that takes a little more willpower than I can muster. It's at least amusing and at most a little confidence boost. I'm sure you'll look good!

 

Try to take a little time to laugh or sing out loud just to ease the tension before you talk to GD. We're with you carrot.

[carrotgirl]

LC, thanks. I'm even wearing a bra!

Tri, thanks, and nice fish!

 

Ooooh! I've got wobble knees nervous first date with a boy maybe he likes me I think he likes me I think I like him what are we going to talk about energy!!!

[carrotgirl]

There was nothing with ex. It would seem men know men. Go figure.

 

GD missed me. He missed me even before he left.

 

Of course no one told ME any of this...

 

Going to bed. I'm exhahusted.

 

 

Carrot

[carrotgirl]

---WARNING---

 

If good news makes you feel cruddy you should hit the back button and select another thread.

 

Last night GD and I had a really great date. There was a lot of really wonderful conversation. We were very together in the moment with each other. I also noticed in both of us, some new behavior styles of giving and taking and relaxing, namely, zero sense of effort to be please each other or ourselves.

 

GD also set straight his announcement about going into politics (he offered this without my asking him to clarify). He doesn't intend to run for office now or ever. He realized after he'd said what he said that it didn't come out right. I didn't bother to try and discuss it. I just told him how happy that made me! He looked rather relieved at this.

 

The only thing he didn't say and I didn't ask was where he stayed while he was away. One thing was made very clear; wherever he stayed, it wasn't at all a romantic situation. There most definitely was not sex with his ex. He was happy to see me and be with me again. GD was also very giving of himself in terms of openly sharing his feelings and experiences.

 

It felt a lot like being on a first date. And today there was no typical (what's become typical aftermath) GD run and hide, no acting out, no crankyness. He was happy and bubbly and shiny. Like the way he was back when we first got together. So far, it's been a good albeit extremely tired Carroty day.

 

Carrot

[melodymatters]

Yay for carrott ! Hip, hip, hooray !

 

Now remember how good and natural it felt when you let the BS down on your side at least. Now if HE starts it again, YOU stay in the happy place regardless.

 

You can't change others behaviours, but you CAN control your own. I have had good results with this.

[carrotgirl]

It's a really good point Mel, thank you so much.

 

A lot of people thought I was over-hard on myself when I first hit these boards after the big break last year. Last night I took chances and acted like myself and not someone trying.

 

I did the things I stopped doing over time as I started caring more about him. I swore, I scratched myself, I complained about poison ivy, I told GD to shut up when I felt like it. I wore something old that I love and thought he hated.

 

Also I stopped doing some annoying things I'd started after I began to get really invested. I stopped trying to look out for him. I stopped being considerate of his personal space. I stopped being polite.

 

Not only was it comfortable for me not caring so much about him, GD liked having Carrot back. The Carrot he fell in love with was the Carrot he wanted and still wants. He doesn't want a nicey-nice Carrot. He liked me fine snotty. Or rather, GD liked me genuine and natural and in charge.

 

A hard lesson to learn.

Carrot