Married male/single female friendship

[GalfromCanada]

Hi everyone,

 

I posted on this site a couple of years ago regarding an intensely flirtatious friendship with a very confused married man which was causing me a great deal of emotional turmoil.

 

As intense attractions often do, it waned after a couple of years, and my married male friend and I have managed to find a comfortable place where we are more at peace with the whole issue. (I am single) We never moved it into the sexually consummated realm, but it was clearly an emotional affair for both of us. I want to make it clear that this has evolved into a quality, mature, adult friendship with a solid foundation, and we both take each other's feelings very seriously. (we can say "I love you" and be ok with that)

 

My issue now, is that his wife has begun a job as his coworker, I have no idea how to manage my end of the friendship. I feel the friendship will now take a hit - we talked every day on the phone - and now that his wife is present at his job, I'm predicting that I'll lose my best friend to fear on his part. I know that some married men are afraid that their wives won't understand their female friendships, and they will overreact by hiding it. And therefore we will drift apart because he will be too scared to talk to me openly.

 

I certainly don't wish him any trouble, and neither of us are in any precarious danger of acting out sexually. I'm just sad because I don't want to lose his friendship. Many of you may feel that there is always a danger and therefore men and women should not be friends if one or both is married. I feel very strongly that it is wrong if you care about someone, to abandon that person out of fear. (in other words, can't we just relax about it?)

 

I have to admit that I don't wish to gain his wife's friendship (and have all three of us hang out), to be honest, I just don't like her. (she has treated me with passive aggressive disdain in the past - not because of her husband's friendship with me, she treats everyone that way)

 

I would like to keep the status quo, but it may not be possible to communicate with him as I always have, like normal friends. Frankly, you can't just pop in on someone while their wife is in the same building, and he's ****ting his pants with terror because he thinks she will suspect there's something going on.

 

To add an extra complication, for some odd reason, very recently his wife added me to her social networking page as a friend (we are not friends at all - we haven't had any contact in three years). I felt I had to accept her, or risk fallout from him. He is unaware of my negative feelings about his wife, and he would be understandably hurt if he knew. (she's the type that nobody likes, except for him) I have a bad feeling that something will come to a head and there'll be a confrontation.

 

My question to you all is, is this something that I should risk diffusing and discussing with him (in the vein of "I'm sensing that you've withdrawn...")? I'm steeling myself for his inevitable withdrawal, but it's really painful and I'm really at loose ends now. At this time I'm letting him have his space and adjust, and just see what will happen. (I actually don't do any of the phoning because of his work - he calls daily when he's not busy). I certainly don't want to just disappear into the night - I want to maintain and care for this friendship.

 

Addendum: I know some of you will be tempted to say "Back off, if he doesn't want you in his life then just deal with it!" If this is your attitude, then you've missed the point and the value of the situation.

 

Thanks in advance for your help.

[lovelorcet]

You have been single and waiting in the wings for this guy for how long now?

[blind_otter]

From the tone of your post it sounds like you are still engaged in an emotional affair with this married man.

[sally4sara]

What is the source of your information concerning "everyone's" opinion of his wife's personality? Basically, how do you know what everyone thinks of someone you don't know and have no interaction with? How do you know how she treats everyone else?

[whichwayisup]

Rightfully so - Your friendship with him HAS to change because of his wife. Sorry but married folks aren't supposed to have CLOSE opposite sex friends that are hidden away from their spouses, let alone be saying I LOVE YOU to eachother. You and him ARE having an emotional affair. You are NOT his wife, his first priority, so stop acting like you are 1st in his life.

 

How would you feel if you were married and your husband was doing what this guy is doing with you? Then you started working with him and his female 'friend'... Come on, you're a smart woman, so see the writing on the wall, find a single man that you can become close to and grow intimate with, not some married guy who is looking for an ego feed.

 

Go read in the OM/OW section.

[whichwayisup]

I want to maintain and care for this friendship.

 

Why? What are you getting out of it? Because when the mood at work changes and he DOES back off, you're in for alot of pain and withdrawal. Knowing full well this guy is married, has a wife, it seems you've allowed yourself to become TOO attached to him. Being close to him is preventing you from finding a single man all for yourself.

[whichwayisup]

I certainly don't wish him any trouble, and neither of us are in any precarious danger of acting out sexually. I'm just sad because I don't want to lose his friendship. Many of you may feel that there is always a danger and therefore men and women should not be friends if one or both is married.

 

Married folks who have opposite sex friends do not exclude their spouse from the friendship.

 

To add an extra complication, for some odd reason, very recently his wife added me to her social networking page as a friend (we are not friends at all - we haven't had any contact in three years). I felt I had to accept her, or risk fallout from him. He is unaware of my negative feelings about his wife, and he would be understandably hurt if he knew. (she's the type that nobody likes, except for him) I have a bad feeling that something will come to a head and there'll be a confrontation.

Why do you have such negative feelings towards his wife? I think it has more to do that you are after HER husband and now you're jealous that you're going to be second fiddle. The thing is, the friendship you have with him is PURELY selfish and isn't the healthy type of friendship a married person should have with a single woman. You are threatened by his wife, scared that you're going to lose him - THAT in itself is a big red flag to tell you that your so-called friendship is NOT on the straight and narrow.

[carhill]

OP, I would say, if you, your friend and his wife aren't having at least occasional casual social contacts in which all parties are comfortable, the friendship is at a crossroads. Also, generally, platonic friends (of any gender) don't have daily contact or expectations of each other beyond respect and shared values and interests. Not saying this is applicable to your situation but provide it as general guidance.

 

You, as a platonic friend, should be able to take a "leave of absence" without significant issues on either side. Try it. A true friendship survives time and circumstances. I wish you well

[Javelin]

Hi everyone,

 

I posted on this site a couple of years ago regarding an intensely flirtatious friendship with a very confused married man which was causing me a great deal of emotional turmoil.

 

As intense attractions often do, it waned after a couple of years, and my married male friend and I have managed to find a comfortable place where we are more at peace with the whole issue. (I am single) We never moved it into the sexually consummated realm, but it was clearly an emotional affair for both of us. I want to make it clear that this has evolved into a quality, mature, adult friendship with a solid foundation, and we both take each other's feelings very seriously. (we can say "I love you" and be ok with that)

 

My issue now, is that his wife has begun a job as his coworker, I have no idea how to manage my end of the friendship. I feel the friendship will now take a hit - we talked every day on the phone - and now that his wife is present at his job, I'm predicting that I'll lose my best friend to fear on his part. I know that some married men are afraid that their wives won't understand their female friendships, and they will overreact by hiding it. And therefore we will drift apart because he will be too scared to talk to me openly.

 

I certainly don't wish him any trouble, and neither of us are in any precarious danger of acting out sexually. I'm just sad because I don't want to lose his friendship. Many of you may feel that there is always a danger and therefore men and women should not be friends if one or both is married. I feel very strongly that it is wrong if you care about someone, to abandon that person out of fear. (in other words, can't we just relax about it?)

 

I have to admit that I don't wish to gain his wife's friendship (and have all three of us hang out), to be honest, I just don't like her. (she has treated me with passive aggressive disdain in the past - not because of her husband's friendship with me, she treats everyone that way)

 

I would like to keep the status quo, but it may not be possible to communicate with him as I always have, like normal friends. Frankly, you can't just pop in on someone while their wife is in the same building, and he's ****ting his pants with terror because he thinks she will suspect there's something going on.

 

To add an extra complication, for some odd reason, very recently his wife added me to her social networking page as a friend (we are not friends at all - we haven't had any contact in three years). I felt I had to accept her, or risk fallout from him. He is unaware of my negative feelings about his wife, and he would be understandably hurt if he knew. (she's the type that nobody likes, except for him) I have a bad feeling that something will come to a head and there'll be a confrontation.

 

My question to you all is, is this something that I should risk diffusing and discussing with him (in the vein of "I'm sensing that you've withdrawn...")? I'm steeling myself for his inevitable withdrawal, but it's really painful and I'm really at loose ends now. At this time I'm letting him have his space and adjust, and just see what will happen. (I actually don't do any of the phoning because of his work - he calls daily when he's not busy). I certainly don't want to just disappear into the night - I want to maintain and care for this friendship.

 

Addendum: I know some of you will be tempted to say "Back off, if he doesn't want you in his life then just deal with it!" If this is your attitude, then you've missed the point and the value of the situation.

 

Thanks in advance for your help.

 

You are going to lose a, 'friend.'

[whichwayisup]

I have a bad feeling that something will come to a head and there'll be a confrontation.

 

Why do you think there'll be a confrontation? Maybe because his wife may think that your friendship with her husband is inappropriate, and she'll ask you back off?

 

]I want to make it clear that this has evolved into a quality, mature, adult friendship with a solid foundation[/i], and we both take each other's feelings very seriously. (we can say "I love you" and be ok with that)

 

The italic part of your quote kind is the complete opposite with the bolded part of your quote. If your friendship was ONLY platonic, then you would not be saying I love you to a married man and he would not be saying it to you. Also, you wouldn't take eachothers feelings so seriously, let alone have a problem with her working with you and her husband.

[ZenSilk]

You should ask yourself what your expectations are for this man. Are you still hoping that he'll leave his wife and start a relationship with you? Are you really still waiting for him? If this is the case, then see this as an opportunity to concentrate on yourself and your needs. Like whichwayisup says, you deserve a man who's ready to grow intimate with you.

 

If you've really reached the point in your "relationship" where you're really just friends, then, like carhill says, you should be able to take a leave of absence. Your friendship will take it.

 

So take a moment to be honest with yourself...

[MichelleS1983]

I have to admit that I don't wish to gain his wife's friendship (and have all three of us hang out), to be honest, I just don't like her. (she has treated me with passive aggressive disdain in the past - not because of her husband's friendship with me, she treats everyone that way)

 

Are you sure it's NOT because of your sneaky so-called "friendship" with her husband? Maybe she sensed you're not a 'true' friend, but someone whose clung to her husband for years in the name of 'friendship.' Maybe THAT'S why she was less than cordial to you. I would have been, too.

 

To add an extra complication, for some odd reason, very recently his wife added me to her social networking page as a friend (we are not friends at all - we haven't had any contact in three years).

 

LOL..ever hear the expression, "keep your friends close and your enemies closer?" She probably knows a little more than you realize.

 

My question to you all is, is this something that I should risk diffusing and discussing with him (in the vein of "I'm sensing that you've withdrawn...")?

 

Quite honestly, I've never had a "friend" that I had to ask this question of. But then again, my friends aren't 'secrets' so I guess that's why. I've never seen so much drama surrounding a 'friendship' in my life.

 

I'm not going to say 'back off' because it's pretty apparent you're going to cling to this guy to the bitter end - all in the name of "friendship," of course.