Stay or go?

[parque]

Hi all...I'm new here...I'm hoping you all can give me some input and advice. My DH and I have been married for 6 years. We have child who is 5. The relationship has been up and down, but lately it's in a downward slump again. I have probably had the most problems with the way things are and I realize that I just am not happy. I've been suffering from depression for 4 years now. This came up after I found out my husband was cheating on me. I decided to stay with him, but it's been really rough because I am not sure that he ever truly felt bad about what he did. His apologies were always tainted with "But you weren't paying attention to me" or "but you said" or "but you did this". That seems to be the way things go. Whenever I bring anything up about things that are bothering me, somehow things get turned around on me into something that I did wrong to CAUSE him to do what he did.

 

His main objection is that I don't trust him and he gets angry at me when I ask him questions. I have TRIED to trust him and he makes it damn near impossible. He still is very inconsiderate about calling when he's going to be late. He spends way too much time on his cell phone making and receiving calls (that I can't see on the bill because they don't list them) and I have caught him in lies. The lying he still blames on me. He was writing on his laptop, and I asked him what he was writing and he said "An email to my boss". This had come up before and I wasn't sure why he was doing this at home. My gut told me something was wrong. So I mustered up enough guts and asked him to see the email. This shocked him because I never asked before. I said, "Let me see it because I don't think you are writing an email to you boss. And if I am wrong I will apologize". So he started playing with buttons and then said "See". But he clicked so many buttons I knew he was bringing up a new window. It didn't matter anyway at that point I told him he had lied to me and that is the reason why I don't trust him because he still lies. Meanwhile, I still don't know what he was REALLY writing because he keeps that thing locked up tight.

 

Later he came back to me and said, "Well, I was REALLY writing a journal, but I didn't want to tell you because I didn't want to deal with your reaction to that" (again, blaming me). That goes way back to a time when I read his journal when he was suicidal and not talking about it and I was worried sick. That's how I found out he was cheating. Well, he's never let me live that down and claimed that I "stole his thoughts" and "violated him". My counselor told me he was using that to manipulate me, but it still bugs me when he brings it up. And he brings it up a lot. It's like the one "bad" thing I've done. I know I am not perfect, but for all the things he's done to me, I have never cheated and I don't lie to him and I don't do mean things. I've been very faithful and loyal. He lost his job last year and I still am not sure I know the real reason and I stuck by him .

 

Anyway, we just moved here in November and things were going better, but it seems back to the same old stuff again. I had been seeing a counselor where we were before and she had told me that I should consider divorce. I just don't know how I feel about it. On the one hand I HATE feeling the way I feel and I hate being made to feel bad for asking questions when he is the one who lies and keeps things from me. We saw a marriage counselor, but he charmed her so much she was telling me that "maybe" he didn't have any affair because he said he didn't and that I didn't quite ask questions the way they should be asked. I was just not happy with her approach because she made me feel bad for being hurt by his deceit.

 

I am now looking for a counselor here, but I am wondering if all this is worth it. There are many aspects of my Dh that I love, but there are many that I equally despise. I am just not happy though and I really miss having that closeness and intimacy with someone.

 

Any advice???

 

Thanks so much!!!

Parque

[Tony T]

I don't see how you can remain married to a man you don't trust. And just how are you supposed to rebuild trust in a man who constantly does things to bring it into question.

 

As an aside, I have a great dislike for people who throw all their misdoings back in my face like it is my fault. Your husband would last all of 30 seconds in my life. Where did you find this dude and how was it that you ended up marrying such a butthole??? What were you thinking???

[Leikela]

Parque,

 

You basically answered your own question. You said more than once that you just aren't happy. YOU ARE NOT HAPPY!!!

 

What more do you need to know? Your husband only keeps hurting you by lying and cheating. Go and find someone you can trust and will treat you the way you DESERVE to be treated.

 

Best of luck to you...

[km82794]

I think you already answered your own question.....

 

I am just not happy

 

Why waste anymore time on someone you cannot trust? You said yourself that you have been depressed for four years, so why waste any more time going through the same agony?

 

I've said it 1000 times to numerous people in the past, but I'll say it again "If you don't have trust, you have nothing".

 

I don't believe you can regain trust in a spouse after an affair.

This is just my theory but I believe if a man cheats on me, he didn't love me enough the first time, so why give him another chance to do it again.

 

I think your woman's intuition is right on target with the E-Mail.

Go with it always!

 

Not only do I think your husband shows no remorse for his affair, I think he also lacks maturity by putting the blame on you.

 

Again just my motto, but whenever you point your finger, theres always three pointing back at you.

 

I am an open book, my fiance can look at anything of mine, ask any question, or check out anything I tell him because I don't mind, I have nothing to hide. An innocent person doesn't.

 

So to answer your question, Stay or Go?

 

I think it's definitely time to go!

 

Good luck!

[Nazima]

When someone blames someone else as the cause of their own bad behavior, like your husband is doing to you, THAT IS ABUSE! I know, my ex has done the same to me many, many, many times. He still does, but now I choose not to listen or believe his crap. He's a sick man, and thank goodness I left. You deserve to be happy, so don't stay in a relationship that makes you miserable and depressed. Most abusers never, as far as I know, change or learn to accept responsibility for the consequences of their actions. Its always someone else's fault, or somebody is 'doing this to them', and they never take any accountability for their part in the problem. If this is the case with your husband, I say get out now. It will surely only get worse over time.

[spingirl]

I had to respond to your post because I was in a similar situation.

My ex-H had an affair and he is also a blamer. At the time he had the affair, our triplets were 2.5 yrs old. I stayed home with them...so you can imagine how difficult it was to meet their needs AND his (he has a huge ego and major need for attention). Anyway, he took up with a woman who worked for him and you know the rest. I wasn't paying enough attention to him...she "listened" ... blah blah blah. Same stuff you probably got. Counseling went nowhere -- he was still seeing her, unbeknownst to me and the counselor.

 

My point is, guys like this do NOT take responsibility for their actions and behavior. And unless they receive major therapy, they never will. You will continue to be blamed for everything that is wrong in the marriage, everything they do, everything they feel. It will always be your fault.

 

Do you have kids? If so, that would be the ONLY reason to even attempt to save this marriage. But you can't do it by yourself. If he's not willing to accept responsibility for his actions, you're relationship is doomed. I hate to be so black and white, but I've been there, done that.

 

Take care of yourself.