10 yrs LDR.... what next?

[arma8ia]

I have been with my BF for almost 10 yrs now, since I was 17 and he 19.

We met just before we both went to college, and stayed together against all the odds until we both finished our studies. With me being in the UK and him being in Greece, and us both being students, visiting each other was a rare occassion. As his MD degree involved more years of study, I took advantage of that time to complete graduate degrees, and am currently completing my doctoral thesis.

We are both from the same hometown and live with our parents whenever we return home (X'mas and summers, which is usually the only time we are together, apart from the occasional week-long visits to our respective towns every 3 mos or so). Having spent all our student years in a LDR, we've gone through some pretty rough patches, notably a 3-month break-up (initiated by him) following our 4th yr together, which left me badly scarred emotionally, severely depressed, anxious and panicky. He decided to break up with me completely out of the blue, and overcoming the shock was very painful. I class this period as the worse experience I've ever had to face, yet somehow I got through it, and just as I was starting to get round to the idea that it was final, he returned... We eventually decided to give it another try, though he never clarified why he decided to break up with me. He stated constant arguments as the cause, which was I can understand, as I was quite immature and demanding at the time. I suspect he was just confused and perhaps, subconsciously, wanted to have a go at the singles scene, but that is just a speculation from my part, he might well be telling the truth, who knows?

 

I brought the subject of marriage up about 3 yrs ago, and asked him whether he ever saw us settling together and getting married at some point in the future. He claimed he hadn't thought about it, which I respected, but told him at the time to start doing so, as I would expect an answer the next time I asked. I brought the subject up again a year ago, and the answer I got was that he did, but not yet. Ever since, he seems to be avoiding being clear with his future plans, at times saying that I hadn't met his parents yet, that he was about to start his residency (which will finish in 7yrs time!) and that our relationship has never been truly tested. I find that unfair, I feel as if I am on a trial-period, which makes the past 10 yrs feel like such a waste.

 

We've had problems with his parents refusing to meet me, and considering my Psychology degree way beneath their son's MD. He eventually gave in and introduced me to is parents in Feb 2008, and they seem to have come round to the idea of us being together. Yet he still seems to use them as an excuse for not 'rushing' into things.

 

To make matters worse, after spending the last 6 mos together for the first time EVER, he has now moved to another city for his MD residency.

He never seriously asked me to follow him there, though I could. I didn't push the matter further as I realised that whilst he would have a regular work, and social circle, I'd be dependent on him emotionally, till I got a professional and social footing of my own there, which would probably strain our relationship further (as if we hadn't already had our fair share of hardship through the years). I firmly believe that had he asked me to marry him, he would commit himself to supporting me during that time. The fact that he didn't, as well as the fact that the LDR is becoming indefinite in terms of how long it will last, is taking it's toll....

 

Should I give him the benefit of the doubt, and wait a little longer?

Or is he unlikely to ever pop the question and include me in his future plans? Any attempt to bring up the subject makes him defensive, and I am questionning whether it is me who is being pushy, or him who is being avoidant? If so, why doesn't he take the initiative of breaking up with me?

[Indigo]

I don't know.. but.. it doesn't really look good to me, sorry

You have been through so much over the years, and it seems to me he is not into it as much as you are. You have been hurt bad by him and he broke up with you and up to this day hasn't given you the full story as to why he did it. It is my understanding that if you really love someone, then they at least deserve the truth, no matter how bad it is. Maybe he never gave you one because he just didn't have one?

 

I know 10 years is a long time and I honestly cannot imagine how hard it must have been for you (my ldr is reaching it's 2nd year marker, and it hasn't been a walk in the park either), but have you asked yourself what are the reasons you are still trying to pursue this? Is it because you truly love him and is The One for you? Is it because it's the only relationship you known and (I don't mean any offense by that, but seeing as you were 17 then i doubt you had many serious relationships before that)? Is it because you have worked hard and long to try to make this work, so you just can't flush all that down the toilet?

 

Maybe he is confused as well.. or maybe you are just convenient for him to have around... or maybe he really does love you but is scared of commitment because marriage and moving in together would be a drastic change in your relationship, and it scares him to bits. Or there could be so many other reasons/excuses I can't think of right now.

 

I cannot tell you the answers to those questions, but I can tell you this ... it takes TWO to Tango, if he aint in it the whole way, he aint in it at all. If he hasn't made a step in 10 years time.. he probably wont in the next 10 either. Are you willing to wait that long for someone who doesn't seem to be putting any work in this relationship (if there is a will, there is a way).

 

Anyway, whatever you decide (because he obviously doesn't), the best of luck to you

[TMichaels]

I have been with my BF for almost 10 yrs now, since I was 17 and he 19. We met just before we both went to college, and stayed together against all the odds until we both finished our studies. With me being in the UK and him being in Greece, and us both being students, visiting each other was a rare occassion. As his MD degree involved more years of study, I took advantage of that time to complete graduate degrees, and am currently completing my doctoral thesis.

 

Good for you, arma8ia At least you didn't put your entire life on hold for this guy...

 

Having spent all our student years in a LDR, we've gone through some pretty rough patches, notably a 3-month break-up (initiated by him) following our 4th yr together, which left me badly scarred emotionally, severely depressed, anxious and panicky. He decided to break up with me completely out of the blue, and overcoming the shock was very painful. I class this period as the worse experience I've ever had to face, yet somehow I got through it, and just as I was starting to get round to the idea that it was final, he returned... We eventually decided to give it another try, though he never clarified why he decided to break up with me. He stated constant arguments as the cause, which was I can understand, as I was quite immature and demanding at the time.

 

Just out of curiosity, what did the two of your do during the break-up? Did either of you date other people?

 

I brought the subject of marriage up about 3 yrs ago, and asked him whether he ever saw us settling together and getting married at some point in the future. He claimed he hadn't thought about it, which I respected, but told him at the time to start doing so, as I would expect an answer the next time I asked. I brought the subject up again a year ago, and the answer I got was that he did, but not yet. Ever since, he seems to be avoiding being clear with his future plans, at times saying that I hadn't met his parents yet, that he was about to start his residency (which will finish in 7yrs time!) and that our relationship has never been truly tested. I find that unfair, I feel as if I am on a trial period, which makes the past 10 yrs feel like such a waste.

 

I don't blame you for feeling frustrated and/or baffled by his behavior, arma8ia. What in h&ll does he mean "your relationship has never been truly tested?" I would say 10 yrs together LONG DISTANCE is a major test!

 

We've had problems with his parents refusing to meet me, and considering my Psychology degree way beneath their son's MD. He eventually gave in and introduced me to is parents in Feb 2008, and they seem to have come round to the idea of us being together. Yet he still seems to use them as an excuse for not 'rushing' into things.

 

His parents sound like a real piece of work! Completing a PhD is not a small accomplishment. You have drive, determination, and brains, to boot! What do these people think is a suitable mate for their Prince Charming? Princess Beatrice, perhaps? Thicker than a post, but 'good breeding'... Is that what counts?

 

To make matters worse, after spending the last 6 mos together for the first time EVER, he has now moved to another city for his MD residency.

He never seriously asked me to follow him there, though I could. I didn't push the matter further as I realised that whilst he would have a regular work, and social circle, I'd be dependent on him emotionally, till I got a professional and social footing of my own there, which would probably strain our relationship further (as if we hadn't already had our fair share of hardship through the years). I firmly believe that had he asked me to marry him, he would commit himself to supporting me during that time. The fact that he didn't, as well as the fact that the LDR is becoming indefinite in terms of how long it will last, is taking it's toll....

 

And rightly, so.

 

Ten years together, and the guy hadn't introduced you to his parents??? That alone is telling. If he truly loved you he would have been eager to introduce you to family and friends long before now. Not only that, he wouldn't care what they thought -- what would have been important to him was how important YOU WERE to HIM.

 

Is this guy any only child? Is he the first one to go to college or pursue such a "lofty" profession in his family? Is his family titled or something? I ask because the way you describe it, it sounds like his family sees themselves on a pedestal or has put him on one.

 

He also seems to have some serious commitment issues, or at the very least perfectionist tendencies whereby everything has to be "perfect" or crossed off his list before he can proceed. Lovely strategy, but life doesn't often go according to plan. Out of curiosity, how does he react when it doesn't?

 

I'm also curious about the last six months... Did the two of you live together or were you just in the same city/town? Who's idea was it?

 

Should I give him the benefit of the doubt, and wait a little longer? Or is he unlikely to ever pop the question and include me in his future plans? Any attempt to bring up the subject makes him defensive, and I am questionning whether it is me who is being pushy, or him who is being avoidant? If so, why doesn't he take the initiative of breaking up with me?

 

Well done you for several years ago raising the marriage question, respecting the fact he hadn't thought about it, AND telling him "well, the next time I ask, I expect an answer." Even though he didn't give you forthright answer, actions always speak louder than words...

 

The guy has done nothing to indicate that he sees you as part of his future. Not only did he not encourage you to follow him to a new location after spending six months together, it sounds like he didn't even discuss it with you.

 

For the sake of argument, let's say he didn't ask you to come along because he doesn't want to be distracted and wants to focus all his attention on his studies. If that was the case AND you WERE part of what he sees as the future, one would expect a discussion would have ensued that went along the lines of: "I know it will be hard for the two of us to be apart, especially since we just spent the last six months together, but I'm pursuing my MD to make a better life and future for US as a couple." Judging from how self-centered his behavior seems to be from what you've described, I'm guessing he didn't say anything like that... right?

 

Why doesn't he break up with you? Because he doesn't need to. He doesn't have to treat you particularly well, and yet you're there for him and continue to hang on. Sort of a twist on the BFB (best friend with benefits) concept -- he has the benefit of you being his best friend at all times without him having to invest much in the relationship. Why would he want to give that up?

 

Sometimes when two people are in a long-standing relationship, they feel the only "successful" outcome of it is to get married -- otherwise they feel like they have wasted a major portion of their lives. Perhaps that's why you're holding out hope.

 

But, let's say out of the blue he did ask you to marry him. Given how he and his family has treated you in the past, does a future with this guy sound THAT appealing? Seriously?

 

You've been letting him chart the course of your relationship for most of the trip, yet after a decade with this captain, you still haven't sighted land. If I were you arma8ia, I'd finish up my doctorate, and point my compass toward a new destination, unless you want to spend the rest of your life feeling like a castaway.

 

All the best,

TMichaels

[TMichaels]

I have been with my BF for almost 10 yrs now, since I was 17 and he 19. We met just before we both went to college, and stayed together against all the odds until we both finished our studies. With me being in the UK and him being in Greece, and us both being students, visiting each other was a rare occassion. As his MD degree involved more years of study, I took advantage of that time to complete graduate degrees, and am currently completing my doctoral thesis.

 

Good for you, arma8ia! At least you didn't put your entire life on hold for this guy...

 

Having spent all our student years in a LDR, we've gone through some pretty rough patches, notably a 3-month break-up (initiated by him) following our 4th yr together, which left me badly scarred emotionally, severely depressed, anxious and panicky. He decided to break up with me completely out of the blue, and overcoming the shock was very painful. I class this period as the worse experience I've ever had to face, yet somehow I got through it, and just as I was starting to get round to the idea that it was final, he returned... We eventually decided to give it another try, though he never clarified why he decided to break up with me. He stated constant arguments as the cause, which was I can understand, as I was quite immature and demanding at the time.

 

Just out of curiosity, what did the two of your do during the break-up? Did either of you date other people?

 

I brought the subject of marriage up about 3 yrs ago, and asked him whether he ever saw us settling together and getting married at some point in the future. He claimed he hadn't thought about it, which I respected, but told him at the time to start doing so, as I would expect an answer the next time I asked. I brought the subject up again a year ago, and the answer I got was that he did, but not yet. Ever since, he seems to be avoiding being clear with his future plans, at times saying that I hadn't met his parents yet, that he was about to start his residency (which will finish in 7yrs time!) and that our relationship has never been truly tested. I find that unfair, I feel as if I am on a trial period, which makes the past 10 yrs feel like such a waste.

 

I don't blame you for feeling frustrated and/or baffled by his behavior, arma8ia. What in h&ll does he mean "your relationship has never been truly tested?" I would say 10 yrs together LONG DISTANCE is a major test!

 

We've had problems with his parents refusing to meet me, and considering my Psychology degree way beneath their son's MD. He eventually gave in and introduced me to is parents in Feb 2008, and they seem to have come round to the idea of us being together. Yet he still seems to use them as an excuse for not 'rushing' into things.

 

His parents sound like a real piece of work! Completing a PhD is not a small accomplishment. You have drive, determination, and brains, to boot! What do these people think is a suitable mate for their Prince Charming? Princess Beatrice, perhaps? Thicker than a post, but 'good breeding'... Is that what counts?

 

To make matters worse, after spending the last 6 mos together for the first time EVER, he has now moved to another city for his MD residency.

He never seriously asked me to follow him there, though I could. I didn't push the matter further as I realised that whilst he would have a regular work, and social circle, I'd be dependent on him emotionally, till I got a professional and social footing of my own there, which would probably strain our relationship further (as if we hadn't already had our fair share of hardship through the years). I firmly believe that had he asked me to marry him, he would commit himself to supporting me during that time. The fact that he didn't, as well as the fact that the LDR is becoming indefinite in terms of how long it will last, is taking it's toll....

 

And rightly, so.

 

Ten years together, and the guy hadn't introduced you to his parents??? That alone is telling. If he truly loved you he would have been eager to introduce you to family and friends long before now. Not only that, he wouldn't care what they thought -- what would have been important to him was how important YOU WERE to HIM.

 

Is this guy any only child? Is he the first one to go to college or pursue such a "lofty" profession in his family? Is his family titled or something? I ask because the way you describe it, it sounds like his family sees themselves on a pedestal or has put him on one.

 

He also seems to have some serious commitment issues, or at the very least perfectionist tendencies whereby everything has to be "perfect" or crossed off his list before he can proceed. Lovely strategy, but life doesn't often go according to plan. Out of curiosity, how does he react when it doesn't?

 

I'm also curious about the last six months... Did the two of you live together or were you just in the same city/town? Who's idea was it?

 

Should I give him the benefit of the doubt, and wait a little longer? Or is he unlikely to ever pop the question and include me in his future plans? Any attempt to bring up the subject makes him defensive, and I am questionning whether it is me who is being pushy, or him who is being avoidant? If so, why doesn't he take the initiative of breaking up with me?

 

Well done you for several years ago raising the marriage question, respecting the fact he hadn't thought about it, AND telling him "well, the next time I ask, I expect an answer." Even though he didn't give you forthright answer, actions always speak louder than words...

 

The guy has done nothing to indicate that he sees you as part of his future. Not only did he not encourage you to follow him to a new location after spending six months together, it sounds like he didn't even discuss it with you.

 

For the sake of argument, let's say he didn't ask you to come along because he doesn't want to be distracted and wants to focus all his attention on his studies. If that was the case AND you WERE part of what he sees as the future, one would expect a discussion would have ensued that went along the lines of: "I know it will be hard for the two of us to be apart, especially since we just spent the last six months together, but I'm pursuing my MD to make a better life and future for US as a couple." Judging from how self-centered his behavior seems to be from what you've described, I'm guessing he didn't say anything like that... right?

 

Why doesn't he break up with you? Because he doesn't need to. He doesn't have to treat you particularly well, and yet you're there for him and continue to hang on. Sort of a twist on the BFB (best friend with benefits) concept -- he has the benefit of you being his best friend at all times without him having to invest much in the relationship. Why would he want to give that up?

 

Sometimes when two people are in a long-standing relationship, they feel the only "successful" outcome of it is to get married -- otherwise they feel like they have wasted a major portion of their lives. Perhaps that's why you're holding out hope.

 

But, let's say out of the blue he did ask you to marry him. Given how he and his family has treated you in the past, does a future with this guy sound THAT appealing? Seriously?

 

You've been letting him chart the course of your relationship for most of the trip, yet after a decade with this captain, you still haven't sighted land. I think it's time you pointed your compass toward a new destination, unless you want to spend the rest of your life feeling like a castaway.

 

All the best,

TMichaels

[arma8ia]

Thanks, TMichaels!

 

Seems you hit the spot... he's admitted he's no longer in love with me and needs a break... read-between-the-lines, separation... Just this afternoon, so the whole thing is a bit raw and painful.... I'm flabbergasted, obviously....

but at least I know... I might re-post when I'm feeling a bit more composed...

 

again, many thanks!

[rachel90]

hi there, im sorry to read about that.

ive been in a long distance relationship for 4 year, and probably will be for another 4 more years until i finish university. i can understand how you feel that these last 10years have been a waste but perhaps you should look at it as a learning curve, and something must have made you stay together for all those years and im sure you both had some good times and memories that youll keep forever.

good luck with everything arma8ia, you seem very patient and understanding. more patient than i am with my bf anyway!

xxx

[TMichaels]

Thanks, TMichaels!

 

Seems you hit the spot... he's admitted he's no longer in love with me and needs a break... read-between-the-lines, separation... Just this afternoon, so the whole thing is a bit raw and painful.... I'm flabbergasted, obviously....

but at least I know... I might re-post when I'm feeling a bit more composed...

 

again, many thanks!

 

You're welcome, arma8ia. I'm sorry to hear things have worked out as they have, but I think they were a long time coming, based on what you said.

 

I know you are gutted right now, but try and pull yourself together and don't waste any more of your life and energy on this guy. You have a lot going for you -- make the most of your many talents and strengths. Everything will fall into place. It always does.

 

Best,

TMichaels

 

P.S. Sorry for the double posts above. We're having bad weather here at the moment, and power has been out for days. Apparently that's wreaking havoc with my internet connection and it wasn't until today that I noticed the double posting. My apologies...

[arma8ia]

Indigo (sorry, I think I missed your post the other day),

Rachel90, & TMIchaels,

 

Thank you all so much!

It's been 3 days without a call from him, which is at least disheartening...

 

I know we've had problems, I just can't get round the idea that he considers them so insurmountable.... He doesn't even care enough to check out how I'm coping...

 

A bit more background info to clarify any questions...

 

He's not from a titled family TMichaels , he comes from a family of 3 children (all of which are doctors). He's the middle child, and his parents are simply uneducated traditional people who've invested everything in climbing the social ladder through educating their children. They use that card to bargain for better deals;-) I could live with that,if he was willing to acknowledge it and fight my corner. I'd told him in the past, I already have a loving family, and am not on the look-out for 'adoptive' parents who will cherish my every move. All I expect is their respect, (and to be honest with you guys, not even that), I couldn't care less about them, though I'd never cut him off from his family. In the weeks that followed he encouraged me to hang out with his sister, introduced me to extended family, and I was looking forward to us attending his cousins wedding in July, where I would be on his side, proudly being introduced to the whole family as his other half... (sucker!)

 

I felt we were finally so close to living together, finding solutions to our practical problems, he had finally introduced me to his parents, who were very gracious towards me (it seemed to me they had no other option after all that time, right?), and he had sort of let a comment in the lines of "this time next year we might be engaged'' about 3 months ago. I ignored it, as I didn't want to scare him off, but that doesn't mean it didn't register and give me hope that he was simply more practically-oriented than me (I am a hopeless romantic), and was sorting out the details in his head...

 

The past 6 months we lived in the same city because I finally decided that we had spent too much time apart and enough was enough. He had half a year until he started his residency, during which he found a job locally (and bought a car for himself - all I've got from him is a few trinkets after 10 years together!!!) and I decided to return and finish writing up my thesis in Greece. Each of us lived with our parents.

 

THE BREAK-UP:

 

I could see that he was avoiding my calls, and never (this past months, I man) would initiate any phone contact, so I let it go for a few days (did not call, and didn't receive any calls), and finally confronted him on Monday afternoon... I pointed out that this whole deal felt one-sided, and asked whether he had anything thoughts to share with me... He said he was at work, and would call me back later. He always says that and doesn't follow, and after taking 30 mins or so to clear my head, could no longer postpone this situation. So I called again, and said I'd rather hear anything he had to say NOW. "I have nothing to say" he said.

"So, why were you going to call me later in the afternoon then?" I asked.

"Don't you see where this is going? We no longer love each other, I don't love you as much as I should (?whatever that means after 10 years), and I need time to think".

"Time to think? As in a week? 6 mos? Monogamous time?"

"I don't know....I'm sorry I have to hang up now, as I'm at work, I'll call you later"...

 

He never did....

 

I'm so frightened. I don't think I'll ever be able to love anyone as much again. I am relatively good looking (used to do some modeling in my teens and am still slim and well-kept for 27, I think). But I feel my whole future has turned upside down... I'm embarrassed to tell people I've failed.. Everyone seemed to regard our relationship as a fairytale love story...

I had told him I'd need his help to cope with yet another LD period before he left, and he assured me everything would be fine.... Why this change in heart?

 

He hasn't deleted our relationship status (the full wording "XX is in a relationship with YY") from facebook yet... Childish, I know, but I'm wondering, he's been active in FB...is he just trying to let the dust settle before he does so? Trying to spare my feelings? Only last week he phoned out of the blue and didn't find me on my cell, and ended up phoning home

(which he hates doing, as it entails talking to my parents, which he probably feels embarrassed talking to because they've both been SO nice to him). My mother even lectured me on giving him on getting him worried (she didn't know all the details, as I knew she'd never see him favourably if we ever worked things out).

 

If only I could get rid of these panic attacks! I woke up this morning shaking! I'm too old and too wise to trust again, I think... nevermind sleeping with someone else!

 

Apologies for the lengthy post,

 

Anyone been through a touch break up before?

 

Again, many thanks!

[TMichaels]

arma8ia,

 

Thanks for the additional background information about your situation. My heart goes out to you. I can only imagine how devastated you must feel.

 

I wonder if what precipitated all of this was the fact that you returned home and *were* able to spend more time together -- or theorhetically *you should have* been able to spend more time together since you were in the same town... (?)

 

What I'm getting at is as long as you were in a LDR, your b/f could hold you at arms-length. He didn't have to necessarily examine his feelings in depth, or if he did and they weren't as strong as perhaps he thought they should be, the "discrepancy" could be written off to a by-product of the distance involved.

 

However, when you "forced his hand" by moving back home, it brought everything to a head. He was confronted with dealing with the reality of the situation and his feelings. He may also have been angry, even on a subsconscious level, that you upped the ante in this way.

 

To tell you the truth, it does sound to me like he moved away in order *to* clear his head. For all you know, he may be feeling as lost and confused as you are at the moment. Afterall, *you both* were in a relationship with each other for ten years...

 

As far as you feeling embarassed about what's happened and feeling like you have failed... You can't be serious, arma8ia!

 

First of all, you don't know whether the relationship is over or not. Secondly, it's no one else's business what happened or who said what to whom, unless you make it their business by telling them so. Thirdly, is the only measure of your self-worth whether or not you're lucky in love? I sincerely hope not! Certainly your academic accomplishments count for something, do they not?

 

I know it's hard, but I don't think you have much of a choice at this point other than to give him the time and space he wants (and quite frankly, is already taking) whether you like it or not. In the meantime, I strongly encourage you to do everything in your power to NOT contact him, keep busy, and get on with your life.

 

The fact you *are not* clingy, suffering, and begging him to come back will be a strength in your favor.

 

Take care.

 

All the best,

TMichaels

[arma8ia]

TMichaels, how true...

 

I've been thinking along those lines too...

The other thing I realised is that he probably was trying to get me to break up with him. In comparison to our previous break up (where he was sobbing saying that he loved me but couldn't be with me for some inexplicable reason) this time round he was quite matter-of-fact, sweet even, and seemed to be relieved by the fact that I didn't cause a scene...

He said 'I love you' at the end, which I thought was a bit odd, and sorta messed with my head, but now I realise it might have just been a habitual

reaction, or even something to soften the blow (completely against his 'I no longer love you as I should' comment a few moments earlier)...

Maybe he is seeing someone else, or he has his sight on someone else...

 

 

I've decided to give myself a month of 'me' time, been forcing myself to socialise a bit more, and perhaps do some work... My motivation being that the sooner I recover, the sooner I will be able to make a reconnection attempt in order to see whether this is final or not. I can not initiate a phonecall until I am absolutely certain I am no longer desperate for us to get back together. Part of my plan is dating a little.. I did give it a go, and though I harbour no romantic feelings towards anyone else, I did have a pleasant time, probably gained a new friend, and did not have to utter my ex's name once, as this person knew nothing about him...It really did take my mind off things... I do not want to waste my summer feeling like this, and unfortunately I cannot foresee the depression letting go anytime soon,

I do wish I could fast-forward to I time I no longer felt so much pain...

 

Please put up with me at moments of weakness, I might need to draw strength from you guys in order to stick to the 'NO CALLING' "ME-TIME" plan...

[zalsa]

Arma81ia,

 

I understand completely what you are going through and you are handling this situation very well...sometimes we invested so much of our feelings, times and love in someone that it is almost impossible to get them out of our system, eventhough we know the kindest thing to do is to let go. Our emotions play games with our head, knowing and doing seem to be two different things, knowing what is the right thing to do and what is best for us cannot offset the pain we are going through. Why are we, human, such complicated and illogical animal? At what cost we pay for our moments of bliss?

 

There is nothing anyone could offer to lessen the pain and no rationalization could soften the impact of loss and crashing of hope that are so apparent at the point of its withdrawal. 'If only we could fast-forward to a time we no longer feel so much pain' I think better yet, If only we could click the delete button, and erase all...For the moment, this 'ME TIME' plan is the best, any contact would only open up the wound afresh and prolong the healing process. It seems the only way to really free ourselves is to reliquish all hopes.

 

Arma8lia, you are doing great with the given situation...hang in there!

[arma8ia]

Thanks, zalsa...

 

Noticed he deleted my wall posts from FB today, seems to have blocked me from msn too.... Devasted.... How can he be so cruel?... No looking back? I fear any day now the realtionhip status us going to be erased too... At least I'll know i's final... can't help but hope that sowhere there is a silver lining....

[zalsa]

:eek:oh....sorry to hear that...that is really cruel...

I would feel upset if I were you also, but then I would think perhaps it is really time for me to move on, if someone doesn't want me in his life, there is nothing I could do to change it and what would I gain by holding on to an illusion?

 

Perhaps I am feeling myself, but do hope you feel better..keep posting!

[arma8ia]

Caved-into-major-panic-attack today!!!!

 

Returned home shaking this afternoon... discussed issues thoroughly with my parents... and decided I needed to know where I stand... (or where he stands) so planned a casual conversation to gauge his feelings and perhaps gain some insight into how he might be thinking... did not intend to pressure things, just a breezy how are you, and what are your feelings/thoughts on this a week later?

 

Result: he didn't pick up his cell-phone.. Half an hr later, no return call....

 

*******!

[NeverLetMeDownAgain]

Hang in there, hon. I know it's hard to wait and wait for that call that might never come. I've been there. ((()))

 

Just a thought, but do you think that maybe he could be bowing to parental pressure? You've already stated that his parents kind of "look down" on you (a mistake, in my opinion - he could do so much worse than a woman with a college degree!). You know, the old "if you marry her I'll cut you out of my will" thing?

 

I know it's a wild shot in the dark, but could that be a reason why he's pulling away?

[arma8ia]

It's probably a mixture of immaturity, wanting to please his parents,

putting his career first and foremost, perhaps even having set his eyes on someone else... He has everything figured out and I no longer fulfill his needs... Everything has been compartmentalized in such a cold, rational way, I simply cannot make any sense of it.... He used to be so caring,

so giving... how did he turn into such a selfish man? I can barely sit straight, from having to face all this pain, and realizing that hope diminishes with each passing moment... Will he pluck up the courage and save this? Can I take him back, and trust him again if he does? Will I ever recover? I am 27 and feeling like there is no tomorrow... so many dreams, memories... how do people just wipe them away?

[arma8ia]

Well, seems he's been cheating... his girlfriend who he seems to be besotted with sent me a message on facebook claiming him as 'MY BABY!!!!'

Amongst the other stuff that cropped up from her online flirting with him were a few 'kisses on the earlobes'...

It had been going on behind my back for 2 months now, apparently... I feel sick....

What kind of woman would get her way (we did break up after all) and rub it in my face with such hatred? She's a few years older than me (judging by her photos) and works as a nurse at the same hospital as him...

 

Pick me up, someone? Please????

[TMichaels]

Well, seems he's been cheating... his girlfriend who he seems to be besotted with sent me a message on facebook claiming him as 'MY BABY!!!!'

Amongst the other stuff that cropped up from her online flirting with him were a few 'kisses on the earlobes'...

It had been going on behind my back for 2 months now, apparently... I feel sick....

What kind of woman would get her way (we did break up after all) and rub it in my face with such hatred? She's a few years older than me (judging by her photos) and works as a nurse at the same hospital as him...

 

Pick me up, someone? Please????

 

arma8ia,

 

Sounds to me like she isn't as "secure" in the relationship as one might assume. Someone who was could care less about an "ex."

 

Look at this as a blessing in disguise. You now have an explanation for his erratic behavior and just look at *what a gem* he's got for a g/f now. Use the opportunity to thank your lucky stars you're rid of him, block the two of them on Facebook and don't look back. Your worth more than the two of them put together and neither is worth your time.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[arma8ia]

Thanks, TMichaels...

 

You are probably sick of this storyline, but there's more....

I hacked into his hotmail account (low point, I know....) and discovered he'd been a serial cheat throughout all these years.... I have messages going back as far as April 2005 that blatantly spell out:

 

'I've been sleeping around!'.

 

Not only did he cheat on me whilst we were long-distance, he was cheating on my whilst we were close... and everybody new!!

All our common friends reacted like cheating was beneath him, and it turns out he NEVER was faithful!

 

His friends sent him joking-threats via email that they'd tell me,

a ton of girls sent him flirty/sexy messages to which he replied with specific sexual innuendos, he invited them to visit him during the summer, claiming that his new hometown is every guy's paradise with all the girls in swimming suits!

 

He even opened accounts with porn-sites, and had been very active on 'tagged' (ditto) for about a year now, asking girls' msn addresses to have intercourse with via a camera link! His profile contained all the photos I'd taken of him all these years (I am into portrait photography) and he even had the cheek to upload one of us both where he obviously thinks he looks extremely handsome (I have my back slightly turned and look dreadful in that one, I never knew he had kept it)!

 

The explicit sexual language is just too much to digest! He advertises the length of his private parts, and talks dirty to 18-20 year-old girls, and charms them with the I'm a doctor 'wink-wink' line...

 

WHO IS THIS MAN?!!!!

WHY DID HE PLAY ME FOR 10 YEARS? I feel like filth! And stupid!!! Awww the stupidity is just mind-boggling! I feel like catching a flight down there, using his house keys, and ripping apart EVERY SINGLE PIECE OF CLOTHING

HE OWNS!!! And, just to top it all, maybe give his brand new car a good bashing! He is not even here for me to spit on him! How am I supposed to release all these feelings?

 

I feel like crying for having been so naive... I know it sounds like something that people should expect, but such behavior was never part of my social circle... It just never crossed my mind that something like this could have been happening to me ... It all makes sense now, of course, but that doesn't make it any easier...

I simply knew a different man, 10 FAKE YEARS!

 

I don't even know how to feel! I feel like crying and mourning my lost love and memories, I feel anger at being used and humiliated, I feel dirty for ever allowing him to touch me, happy that I found out before I was married/pregnant/old maid, frustrated for not being able to punch him hard somewhere...

 

How does this work? He wants to sleep with LOTS of women, but keeps a long-distance relationship for what reason? It doesn't make sense... I was obviously too boring, unexciting, unavailable... why did he keep me for so long just to throw me away like that?