Revelations, need to vent!

[Maggs]

Well it's not been a very easy couple of days for me. I've just had a long conversation with my BF in which some new revelations have just come to light. Ones I'm not too sure about now!

 

First of all, I'll give you a little background then maybe you'll all understand why I'm a bit surprised now. For the first year of our relationship, we lived nearby so we always saw each other; had a very 'normal' relationship. During this time there was lots of teasing and talk about getting married. He would tell me, tell friends and even tell my parents how wonderful I was in every way. How I loved him and accepted him like no other woman in the past. He even teased me that on Feb. 29th, I should have proposed to him. So needless to say, when I left in February (my visa expired, had to leave) I figured we were on the same page. I'm 29, BF is 35. So not young and naive. I figured I was 'the one'! He certainly talked it up enough. I figured he knew absolutely, without a doubt that we'd have a short period apart but that we'd be married and I'd be back there with him. In our home together. He even teased me that we'd get pregnant then we could be together sooner!

 

So much to my surprise the last couple of days to find out that not only does he have no desire to get married right away (in the next year) but that he wants to wait some lengthy period of time until he's (in his words) a million percent sure that I'm the one. He wants to live together for a bit--which only means 3-4 weeks at a time because I can't get on any other kind of visa for extended stay and I can't be going over there for months at a time and leaving my job. I don't even know how long we'll be in an LDR now.

 

I really wish I knew this in February when I left! I really assumed (and maybe I shouldn't have) that I'd be gone a few months, then plans would be made for me to be back. I mean....that's how it seems he led me to believe. Or am I mistaken here? I don't know if it would have changed whether or not we would have decided to embark on this journey or not but it definitely would have changed 2 things...

 

1. I could have prepared myself a bit better for the length. Not expecting things to happen right away and know we were in it for a bit of a long run.

 

2. I could have lived elsewhere (staying with parents now cause didn't plan to be here a year), got a job in the city and an apartment. The reason I didn't was because I didn't want to be tied into a year lease for when I went back.

 

I apologize for the length but thanks for reading if you've made it this far. I appreciate it--this really is a massive vent! Just wanting any thoughts or opinions. Am I going to crazy to think all of a sudden this is a bit of a shock? What should I do? How should I react to all of this? I just don't know what to do anymore! I really don't! I love him to bits, but I don't want to suffer through months or years of uncertainty. We may get to the end of a year and he change his mind. That he's not 'a million percent' sure about me. I don't want to be over here, waiting my life away!

[Geishawhelk]

well, you know how difficult it is to understand the complete dynamics of a relationship by just reading a few words on a page... and even then, a summary about an episode in a relationship, so take this with a pinch of salt, as you see fit...

 

He sounds like a lot of talk, but doesn't really want to commit.

Being "a million percent sure" about someone is frankly, BS.

There's absolutely no such thing.

How many couples do you know, who are a million percent sure about each other And how many of those are still together?

 

Every couple getting married obviously sets out wanting it to be a million percent sure, but anyone sensible will tell you that's an unrealistic expectation.

 

Are his parents still together? Are yours? No?

 

I rest my case...

 

on the other hand, if they are, all well and good, but I bet even they'd admit they weren't 'a million percent sure' about each other....

 

I'd cool it a bit. if he comes chasing and wondering what you're doing, why you haven't been in touch, is anything the matter, why hasn't he heard from yopu, where you bin... then things may be hopeful. If you don't hear much,.... then there's your answer....

[Maggs]

Yes I can see your point, Geishawhelk. It doesn't need to be a leap of faith, but there's always uncertainties in life.

 

He always had said, and still does--that I'm the one he wants to be with. But that he just doesn't want to be doing it as quick as I do (or should I say I thought we did together). I am going to just see how the next few weeks go. I'm due to be over there visiting for a few days. I'm curious as it will all spell out. If things aren't the same then...then I guess that's my answer too!

 

I love him, but I'm not spending the next 3 yrs of my life waiting around. If this visit still seems okay, I'll need to set a mental note in my mind. If there's no progress by then, then I'm gone. As much of a heartache and how much that pains me to admit. I never, EVER thought I'd be in this position with him. Not with all the talk that's gone on. But I guess that's all it might be---just talk!

[Maggs]

Please, does anyone else have any opinions or advice to offer? I'm due to be going over for a visit in 2 weeks and I don't know what to do!

[TMichaels]

First of all, I'll give you a little background then maybe you'll all understand why I'm a bit surprised now. For the first year of our relationship, we lived nearby so we always saw each other; had a very 'normal' relationship. During this time there was lots of teasing and talk about getting married. He would tell me, tell friends and even tell my parents how wonderful I was in every way. How I loved him and accepted him like no other woman in the past. He even teased me that on Feb. 29th, I should have proposed to him. So needless to say, when I left in February (my visa expired, had to leave) I figured we were on the same page. I'm 29, BF is 35. So not young and naive. I figured I was 'the one'! He certainly talked it up enough. I figured he knew absolutely, without a doubt that we'd have a short period apart but that we'd be married and I'd be back there with him. In our home together. He even teased me that we'd get pregnant then we could be together sooner!

 

Maggs, is there a chance that your b/f might have said and acted the way he did BECAUSE he knew you would have to return back home? Don't mean to be harsh, but it just doesn't make sense he was so effusive with his praise for you while you were "on site," and he now seems to have distanced himself in more ways than one...

 

So much to my surprise the last couple of days to find out that not only does he have no desire to get married right away (in the next year) but that he wants to wait some lengthy period of time until he's (in his words) a million percent sure that I'm the one. He wants to live together for a bit--which only means 3-4 weeks at a time because I can't get on any other kind of visa for extended stay and I can't be going over there for months at a time and leaving my job. I don't even know how long we'll be in an LDR now.

 

Did the two of you talk at all before you left what your plans were in regard to your relationship? Or did you assume from what he had said while you were in his town/country that things would just "naturally progress?"

 

I know you are upset, but I can also empathize with his desire to live together for a bit before taking the final plunge. It is a real hassle when you have to work for a living to take major time off from work, so I understand your dilemma.

 

When he suggested living together for 3-4 months did he say how he sees that happening since it would put you in jeopardy career-wise and financially? What's his situation? Is there any way he can come over to see/live with you?

 

I really wish I knew this in February when I left! I really assumed (and maybe I shouldn't have) that I'd be gone a few months, then plans would be made for me to be back. I mean....that's how it seems he led me to believe. Or am I mistaken here? I don't know if it would have changed whether or not we would have decided to embark on this journey or not but it definitely would have changed 2 things...

 

1. I could have prepared myself a bit better for the length. Not expecting things to happen right away and know we were in it for a bit of a long run.

 

2. I could have lived elsewhere (staying with parents now cause didn't plan to be here a year), got a job in the city and an apartment. The reason I didn't was because I didn't want to be tied into a year lease for when I went back.

 

You know what they say when you "assume," don't you? "It makes an @ss out of u and me."

 

I hate to say it, but it does sound like you assumed too much. I'm not blaming you, because based on his behavior and what he said to others, it certainly sounded like he was serious about a long-term relationship with you. However obviously, you both had differing expectations about what that meant.

 

Am I going to crazy to think all of a sudden this is a bit of a shock? What should I do? How should I react to all of this? I just don't know what to do anymore! I really don't! I love him to bits, but I don't want to suffer through months or years of uncertainty. We may get to the end of a year and he change his mind. That he's not 'a million percent' sure about me. I don't want to be over here, waiting my life away!

 

No, I don't think you are crazy to be jolted by this discovery. You were going down one road in your mind, and he's decided to take a detour.

 

Just curious, but have you told him how gob-smacked you are by his "revelations?" What was his response/reaction/reply? Also, has this guy ever been married before? If he has, and it was not a good experience, that may be a reason for his reticence. However, if he's 35 yrs old and has never been married, that also may be a reason why he's reluctant to "commit."

 

I guess in my mind it comes down to two things:

 

A) Are both of you willing to be honest and open and talk specifically about your intentions and plans? This "assuming" business has gotten you in enough trouble already. If the two of you can't lay your cards on the table, you're just going to continue to be at cross-purposes.

 

B) You need to ask yourself some hard questions... Is this guy worth the wait? If so, how long? You're only 29 -- it's not as if your biological time clock is about to expire, but if waiting several years to get married is something you're not comfortable in doing and it looks like that that's what it will take after talking to your guy, then stick to your guns and tell him so. If that doesn't move him off the mark, then I'm afraid you'll need to move on.

 

Sorry to hear about your situation, Maggs. Hope this helps you -- at least a bit. Keep posting if you need to vent. Everyone here on one level or another can relate.

 

All the best,

TMichaels

[Karyyk]

Do you know what kind of time frame he's talking about? I can understand not wanting to jump into something quickly, but if he's just leaving everything wide-open with no end-date in sight, then I'd caution you. I was on the receiving end of that kind of lack of commitment, and I ended up hanging on to someone for four years longer than I should have. That's a lot of life to waste. I'm not saying that's necessarily going to happen here, but you need to know what he's expecting and have some idea about what his expectations are. If your expectations and his are too different, then staying in it is only going to breed bitterness and resentment, and that's something that could affect you and relationships for the rest of your life.

[Maggs]

TMichaels,

Going to try the multiquoting here so apologize if it does not work!

 

Maggs, is there a chance that your b/f might have said and acted the way he did BECAUSE he knew you would have to return back home? Don't mean to be harsh, but it just doesn't make sense he was so effusive with his praise for you while you were "on site," and he now seems to have distanced himself in more ways than one...

 

Did the two of you talk at all before you left what your plans were in regard to your relationship? Or did you assume from what he had said while you were in his town/country that things would just "naturally progress?"

 

We did talk before I left. He was very sure that I'd be back within the year. He always reassured me that I'd only be gone for a few months and then we'd work on getting me back. There was never any mention that this move back wouldn't be permanent at this stage.

 

I know you are upset, but I can also empathize with his desire to live together for a bit before taking the final plunge. It is a real hassle when you have to work for a living to take major time off from work, so I understand your dilemma.

 

When he suggested living together for 3-4 months did he say how he sees that happening since it would put you in jeopardy career-wise and financially? What's his situation? Is there any way he can come over to see/live with you?

 

 

I do realize that yes it would be nice to live together. But we really do not have that luxury. I've exhausted my only visa option that allowed me to be there on an extended holiday & work. The only other visa that would really allow me to be there without any commitment on my part is a student visa. But this would require me to pay several thousands of dollars to be an international student. Which I'm not prepared to do just in order to have a chance to live together.

 

Basically we have about 2 options. I continue to come over for 3-4 weeks at a time and this be our 'living together' or I quit my job, come over for 4-5 months then move back here for another year possibly but then have to start all over finding work again. And I've explained to him that how would I manage to pay for my bills and pay for my flight if I'd be out of workfor 6 months +.

 

No, there's no way for him to come here. He has a son there and it's not an option him moving here for any length of time.

 

You know what they say when you "assume," don't you? "It makes an @ss out of u and me."

 

 

I hate to say it, but it does sound like you assumed too much. I'm not blaming you, because based on his behavior and what he said to others, it certainly sounded like he was serious about a long-term relationship with you. However obviously, you both had differing expectations about what that meant.

 

No, I don't think you are crazy to be jolted by this discovery. You were going down one road in your mind, and he's decided to take a detour.

 

 

Just curious, but have you told him how gob-smacked you are by his "revelations?" What was his response/reaction/reply? Also, has this guy ever been married before? If he has, and it was not a good experience, that may be a reason for his reticence. However, if he's 35 yrs old and has never been married, that also may be a reason why he's reluctant to "commit."

 

I have told him how surprised and confused I am. He keeps saying we'll discuss it in June. So I don't really think he sees how it really affected me. Very hard to discuss things openly on the phone. He's never been married before. He was in 2 long-term relationships before me. The first being with the mother of his son (no, he didn't walk out on her). She did a really dirty thing to him. The 2nd one was with someone for 5 yrs who was a real nutcase in the end!

 

I guess in my mind it comes down to two things:

 

A) Are both of you willing to be honest and open and talk specifically about your intentions and plans? This "assuming" business has gotten you in enough trouble already. If the two of you can't lay your cards on the table, you're just going to continue to be at cross-purposes.

 

B) You need to ask yourself some hard questions... Is this guy worth the wait? If so, how long? You're only 29 -- it's not as if your biological time clock is about to expire, but if waiting several years to get married is something you're not comfortable in doing and it looks like that that's what it will take after talking to your guy, then stick to your guns and tell him so. If that doesn't move him off the mark, then I'm afraid you'll need to move on.

 

We will be having some serious discussions when I'm over at the end of this month. I don't think I assumed very much seeing as how he specifically told me I'd be back next year and that we'd get married in 2009 or 2010. So considering he's flat out told me exactly what's happened, I don't know what else I assumed. I'm just very confused on how he's going to do this 'living together' thing. I'd like to see what he has to say about it. But as for waiting--well I've already told him that I'm not putting myself through years of misery to just have it end down the line. Yea, I'll wait a while. But I won't be waiting forever to him to decide.

Sorry to hear about your situation, Maggs. Hope this helps you -- at least a bit. Keep posting if you need to vent. Everyone here on one level or another can relate.

 

All the best,

TMichaels

 

Thank you for your thoughts. Hope I clarified some things for you.

[Maggs]

TMichaels...tried the multiquote, guess it didn't work! Oops! Looks like my responses are all italicized. So still keeps things pretty easy. Sorry!

[Maggs]

Do you know what kind of time frame he's talking about? I can understand not wanting to jump into something quickly, but if he's just leaving everything wide-open with no end-date in sight, then I'd caution you. I was on the receiving end of that kind of lack of commitment, and I ended up hanging on to someone for four years longer than I should have. That's a lot of life to waste. I'm not saying that's necessarily going to happen here, but you need to know what he's expecting and have some idea about what his expectations are. If your expectations and his are too different, then staying in it is only going to breed bitterness and resentment, and that's something that could affect you and relationships for the rest of your life.

 

Karyyk,

To be honest I'm not sure now. It was always a time frame of a year-18 months. As I said to TMichaels earlier, he spoke of getting married in 2009 or 2010 and that we'd work on getting me back after we were apart for a few months.

 

I am fearful of exactly what you say. I don't want to be dragging this out, being miserable, just to have it end. The only reason we both committed to this was because we knew it wouldn't be years apart. He even says now not to worry because it won't be. But I really can't see how he's going to make it work! We'll be speaking in June when I'm there. Hopefully I'll have more answers. Still feel a bit unsure and confused about things.

 

Thanks for replying.

[Geishawhelk]

I'm so sorry, but I really get the impression he's prevaricating and trying to hold you at arm's length and at he same time trying to appease you and keep you dangling.

You have to tie him down (You know what I mean!!) Tell him you want a definite time frame and date, and you want to stick to it.

What the heck does he think you are? some kind of yo-yo he can bounce up and down at will?

And for that matter -

Who the heck does he think he is?

 

Not fair.

[Maggs]

I'm so sorry, but I really get the impression he's prevaricating and trying to hold you at arm's length and at he same time trying to appease you and keep you dangling.

You have to tie him down (You know what I mean!!) Tell him you want a definite time frame and date, and you want to stick to it.

What the heck does he think you are? some kind of yo-yo he can bounce up and down at will?

And for that matter -

Who the heck does he think he is?

 

Not fair.

 

I've spoken again to him today. I told him that when I'm there in 2 weeks, we really need to sit down and sort things out. If we have/want a future together then we need to start planning. I told him I didn't care if it was a 6 month plan or a 2 year plan but we need to seriously discuss it.

 

Basically circumstances as to where I am work fine for me seeing him regularly and I can afford. But if I stay here much longer, I may need to move to a more permanent position (meaning I'll be granted no holiday time off for a while) and possibly move to an apartment (meaning I won't be able to afford to visit). Right now I'm a casual employee and I'm staying with my parents. But this can't continue for a long time. Eventually if he and I don't have a future together, then I need to start making my own future.

 

He thoroughly understands and is ready to have a good heart-to-heart. So hopefully on my return at the beginning of July, I'll have some news (hopefully good!) for all of you.

[TMichaels]

I've spoken again to him today. I told him that when I'm there in 2 weeks, we really need to sit down and sort things out. If we have/want a future together then we need to start planning. I told him I didn't care if it was a 6 month plan or a 2 year plan but we need to seriously discuss it.

 

Good for you, Maggs!

 

Basically circumstances as to where I am work fine for me seeing him regularly and I can afford. But if I stay here much longer, I may need to move to a more permanent position (meaning I'll be granted no holiday time off for a while) and possibly move to an apartment (meaning I won't be able to afford to visit). Right now I'm a casual employee and I'm staying with my parents. But this can't continue for a long time. Eventually if he and I don't have a future together, then I need to start making my own future.

 

He thoroughly understands and is ready to have a good heart-to-heart. So hopefully on my return at the beginning of July, I'll have some news (hopefully good!) for all of you.

 

Sounds even better!

 

I'll cross my fingers for you it all works out. Will be interested to know how it goes!

 

Good luck!

 

TMichaels