Feelings management - life full of mistakes and unresolved feelings

[smyracz]

Hi guys!

 

Below there is quite a long letter about me and my girlfriend. I hope you can find a minute or two to go through it and give me your advice. It is a VERY IMPORTANT matter to me so if you can help or guide me through this I would be most GRATEFUL to you! Thanks!

 

I believe you can find many similar e-mails here, but still I wanted to ask you for your advice and insight on my problem.

I am in a relationship with a 'typical, not-slutty' girl (she is not cheating on me, she does not take advantage of me and we have our good moments too). But some time in the past I had doubts about being with her. I hesitated to resolve this doubts quickly and took my time to think everything over (around 6 months). Finally, I came to a decision to break up with her as I thought it would not be fair to be in a long term relationship with someone who you are not sure that you love. She was devastated but accepted my decision, saying that she loves me when we saw each other for the last time (and left for 3-month internship). However, I didn't want to lose a contact with her and I tried to cheer her up and I wrote her often. After 1,5 months after the break-up I wanted to see her again, because I missed her. Soon, I realized how close she was to me and that I was actually happy with her. So I wanted her to come back to me. After a month of ups and downs she decided that it is worth to give it a try.

And I was very happy about it. However, during one of our talks she asked me if I had someone after we broke up. I dated once or twice but nothing serious happened. But she told me that she dated and slept with a guy she barely knew. And that it was great and she does not regret it (this is what saddens me most). To come clean I told her that I had something going on with my former gf while I was still with her. Not much (as I see it): we would have slept together but just a few seconds before it happened I said no. She was very angry and disappointed when she heard it and kept reminding me about it for a long time.

On the other hand, after a few days of mixed feelings I thought I got over her message. At least so I thought.

When it comes to me cheating, I regret it and I told her that. It was heavy stuff for her because I did it trice (but told her only about 2 times) in 2 months. Every time we were warming up with the other girl I eventually said 'No'. I consider it as a mistake that I would have never repeated (so why it happened 3 times?! Because we had some bad time, too because of my indecisiveness and I thought I need something different, someone different).

But (and here is the problem) she does not think the same way about what she did.

After she reminded me about my infidelity 1000 times, I said I'm sorry for 1000th time as sincere as I could and said that it was one year ago and that's enough and she should not brag about it any more. She did as I said, however, my feelings about her 'adventure' came back to my mind. It makes me very sad, disappointed when I think about her and the other guy and the fun they had.

I guess I would have done the same thing in her place without a smallest hesitation. However, I feel really bad knowing that there was a guy in her life that she had sex a few times and she loved it (better than what ours).

I am not considering whether to quit this relationship or struggle with my thoughts further. I would like to see how it goes between us now as I fell in love with her when we were away from each other. I would like it to work between us, but there is a very heavy bag of full of negative feelings I have about this incident.

Well, I am also ashamed to admit that I looked through her correspondence with this guy and what she wrote to her friends. I was so curious that I had to know.

I believe there is a lot of man's ego involved but I WOULD LIKE TO GET YOUR INSIGHT ABOUT HOW YOU HANDLED YOUR EMOTIONS (OR HOW YOU WOULD HANDLE) IN SIMILAR SITUATION.

 

I can see how many mistakes I've made but the 'negative' bag still stays in me.

Please help!

 

PS

We talked about it but she says that it happened because I had left her and she was devastated. What would you say?

[Untouchable_Fire]

We talked about it but she says that it happened because I had left her and she was devastated. What would you say?

 

You have to just let it go!

 

When the bad emotions come, stop, breath, think of something else. Accept that this was in many ways your own fault, and that she has been hurt emotionally just as bad, if not worse than you.

 

I guess the trick is learning not to be so self centered.

[Darkflower]

You can't deny your feelings. They're real, whether right or wrong. But you have to embrace the logic of the situation first.

 

There's a difference between what she did and what you did. She embraced her sexual freedom, while NOT in a relationship, and had a memorable experience. She has no reason to regret it, so I'm glad she doesn't. It sounds, however, as if she compared the experience to her sexual intimacy with you, and did so unfavorably. I don't think that was necessary on her part, and was rather like rubbing salt in the wound, maybe a little jab at you for the pain she felt when you broke up with her.

 

YOU, on the other hand, cheated three times. It doesn't matter, in my book, that you and the other woman didn't go all the way. "Everything but" is still, definitely, cheating in my book. Honestly, I'd bet that if you analyzed your own feelings a little more deeply, you might find that you are reacting to your own feelings of guilt for having cheated, and want to minimize the import of what you did by trying to find something she did that will allow you to forgive yourself, or to wiggle out of the spot of "cheater". Stop trying to do that. That doesn't mean allowing her to constantly bring it up, simply because if the two of you intend to make a go of things, that's going to be a wedge between you. It sounds like she understands that, and has respected your request that she stop throwing it in your face.

 

With regard to your feelings, that's where fake it til you make it comes in. Every time you begin to think about what she did with the other person, stop yourself. Go do something else. Take some deep breaths. Try some self-talk: "She did not betray me. She had the right to have that experience. She's with me now. I am man enough to be content with that." Strangely enough, it seems to work. It will take some time, but after a while, the emotional sting will lessen, or even almost disappear. This is what has happened for me, at least.

[smyracz]

HI guys,

 

I don't know if you are going to get back to this thread, but I wanted to say Thanks!

 

Just writing it and being able to share it with someone with details made me happier. You know, this is one of those stories you don't want to share with your friends, family because it's difficult and embarrassing and you can't talk with your partner about it because you won't believe that what she is saying is objective.

 

So thanks again for reading the story and giving me your insight. I have already got better and I don't think about it. And I am not hunted by my gf's reproaches. It makes sense to me what Darkflower said: "you might find that you are reacting to your own feelings of guilt for having cheated, and want to minimize the import of what you did by trying to find something she did that will allow you to forgive yourself, or to wiggle out of the spot of "cheater"". Sounds right! Unfortunately.

 

Anyway, I hope this case is closed for good. Thanks for your help!!!!!

L.