brightskies Posted June 6, 2008 Share Posted June 6, 2008 We broke up in April -- he was emotionally and everything else unavailable, and I felt there was no point in going on as I seemed to be doing all the work and things felt very one-sided, all in his favor. He said he wanted to stay in touch but I didn't want to --- so no contact. Out of nowhere he emailed this week to greet me for my birthday and outright asked for a second chance. He wrote: Dear ***, I know that you have been hurt and deceived too many times in the past. We both came into our relationship with heavy baggage that have greatly influenced or behaviors and our ability to communicate and to understand each other on a deeper level. For some months now and for the wrong reasons I have been trying to dismiss my feelings and my affection for you. Fears, doubts and selfishness have greatly influenced my decisions and have led me to drive you away. I deeply regret it and I deeply regret hurting you. If you feel something other than hatred for me, if you still care, I would like to come to talk with you (where ever your new home is); I believe there were feelings, resentments and meaningful facts about ourselves that we never shared with each other... that was a mistake. If your heart has moved on already just know that I am sincerely happy for you... you are beautiful and talented and will always be a success as long as you are passionate about what you do. I miss my twin and I can not forget how grateful I felt when we first met...I would like to find a way to go back to that time and to replant our tree together in more stable grounds. If I don't hear from you I wish you a happy birthday for tomorrow. I hope you are well. Je t'aime. **** ps: I am presently at the library but they are closing now. I'll be back here tomorrow if my home connection is not back up by then (it has been down since sat). I did receive your phone messages. Link to post Share on other sites
kingoftheworld Posted June 6, 2008 Share Posted June 6, 2008 the lad looks like he loves you alote, but then its all upto you? DO you want to give it another chance. Link to post Share on other sites
Author brightskies Posted June 6, 2008 Author Share Posted June 6, 2008 Hi King, I'm not sure how to proceed? First of all, do you think it's cowardly to approach such an important matter over phone text (which he did first) and email? He only emailed because I couldn't get all of the message over text. Second, do you think second chances work out, or is it just an exercise in futility? I tend to subscribe to "once it's over, it's over," and would normally ignore any kind of contact from an ex but this message seemed heartfelt. Do you think it's some elaborate mind game or fishing for an ego stroke? I don't really sense that in the letter or in our im conversation So, I'm being very cautious and although I would like to, I haven't agreed to meet in person. I did agree to speak over IM. He was being much more affectionate than he was before (towards the end), and I was neutral. He spent more time explaining himself and why he thought things went wrong and I mostly listened. Would I be stupid to open up to him again? I emailed him today basically asking what he would do differently and that he needed to answer some questions before I would be willing to meet in person. Link to post Share on other sites
kingoftheworld Posted June 6, 2008 Share Posted June 6, 2008 Whatsup bright, from a guy's prespective, I think most guys are shy to phone and actually tell everything out so to be easier, they probably would email so in that case, i dont think i would worry TOO much about that. About second chances, i strongly agree that it can work out if you WANT them to work out. I would sit down with him and actually talk everything out and what you expect in this second try. I'm the type of person that would go for another chance, espically if you already opened up to him before. It doesnt hurt but then again, before you start -falling for him again-, I'd sit down with him like i said and tell him straight up. It's pretty much all on you. Link to post Share on other sites
ColeTrickle Posted June 6, 2008 Share Posted June 6, 2008 The decision is yours. I took my gf back once and let myself continue deep where i left off only to be torn apart again. Make sure everything is set straight before you make any decisions and even then.. tread lightly Link to post Share on other sites
kizik Posted June 6, 2008 Share Posted June 6, 2008 The decision is yours. I took my gf back once and let myself continue deep where i left off only to be torn apart again. Make sure everything is set straight before you make any decisions and even then.. tread lightly I agree with Cole. I also think that people don't change, and if he hurt you very much in the past, the "new" him will only last for a while, and he'll revert back to his old ways. I need background about WHY you guys broke up. What were his behaviors that hurt you so? Link to post Share on other sites
Author brightskies Posted June 9, 2008 Author Share Posted June 9, 2008 Whatsup bright, from a guy's prespective, I think most guys are shy to phone and actually tell everything out so to be easier, they probably would email so in that case, i dont think i would worry TOO much about that. About second chances, i strongly agree that it can work out if you WANT them to work out. I would sit down with him and actually talk everything out and what you expect in this second try. I'm the type of person that would go for another chance, espically if you already opened up to him before. It doesnt hurt but then again, before you start -falling for him again-, I'd sit down with him like i said and tell him straight up. It's pretty much all on you. Yes, I need to figure out if I even want him back at this point. I did, before, during the R and before it ended -- I could see that we were in the danger zone , but he wouldn't, or couldn't reciprocate or work on the relationship. After trying so hard and being consistently rebuffed, your efforts stop making sense. I guess the timing is off. Link to post Share on other sites
Author brightskies Posted June 9, 2008 Author Share Posted June 9, 2008 The decision is yours. I took my gf back once and let myself continue deep where i left off only to be torn apart again. Make sure everything is set straight before you make any decisions and even then.. tread lightly Oh yeah, believe you me, I'm asking many questions about past issues. I don't want to repeat the mistakes we made before. What happened with you? How long were you together and why did you break up the first time? Why did you break up again? Link to post Share on other sites
Author brightskies Posted June 9, 2008 Author Share Posted June 9, 2008 I agree with Cole. I also think that people don't change, and if he hurt you very much in the past, the "new" him will only last for a while, and he'll revert back to his old ways. I need background about WHY you guys broke up. What were his behaviors that hurt you so? That's what I'm concerned about. I know that people don't change because you want them to; they only change when they decide to do it. He sounds pretty sincere, but I don't know how serious he is about this decision. We broke up for a number of reasons: things started out really well, but after 3-4 months he started to withdraw --- he was no longer affectionate, would stonewall, was easily irritated, didn't seem to want to be around me for no apparent reason. We would argue now and again but I figured that was normal and the right thing to do would be to discuss and resolve issues together. Instead, he just seemed to check out. He said it was because he had a lot of personal issues: he was going through a career transition, he was financially not in a good place and didn't feel stable so his confidence was low and his insecurities were making him selfish and inconsiderate. I also felt he was taking advantage of me emotionally and financially. In any case, I knew he was going through a rough period and tried to be supportive and kept trying to work things out with him, but he just kept pushing me away. I'm not perfect, but like I said, it felt one-sided. After many months of this it seemed that the only option was to completely give him his space and let him go. There were some other things going on but those were the main reasons, I guess. I also asked him if there were someone else but he insisted there was nobody else and that it was just his personal problems getting in the way. Link to post Share on other sites
Author brightskies Posted June 9, 2008 Author Share Posted June 9, 2008 One other factor that put me off was that he was wishy-washy. He didn't seem to know what he wanted out of life and the relationship. He's older than me, I'm in my 20s and he's in his mid-30s, so that seemed like a red flag to me. It can be very frustrating when someone doesn't have at least SOME idea of what he wants and where he's going. I can understand all the wavering if you're in your 20s or younger, but c'mon, in your mid-30s? You'd better get a clue by then, don't you think? Link to post Share on other sites
ColeTrickle Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 Oh yeah, believe you me, I'm asking many questions about past issues. I don't want to repeat the mistakes we made before. What happened with you? How long were you together and why did you break up the first time? Why did you break up again? Its not 100% of the complete story because its too long as it is. I welcome any input. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=1687635#post1687635 Link to post Share on other sites
Author brightskies Posted June 10, 2008 Author Share Posted June 10, 2008 Cole, Hey, no jacking my thread! Kidding ... I replied to your post on your thread. Link to post Share on other sites
ColeTrickle Posted June 10, 2008 Share Posted June 10, 2008 What did you end up doing? Keep us posted! Link to post Share on other sites
Author brightskies Posted June 10, 2008 Author Share Posted June 10, 2008 He answered a slew of my questions via email on June 7th. His intentions were mostly summarized in his last paragraph. He wrote: "I can promise you that I would make a point of resolving any issue that we might have as soon as they arise with an open mind and an open heart. Love, affection and trust are the greatest gifts of all, and I would never take them for granted if you were to open your heart to me again. I realize that I am asking you to take a path that has once brought you deception and sorrow, a path that is not without any risk. I hope you will feel that it is a risk worth taking or at least a risk worth discussing in person. No words can ever convey as much meaning as a look, or a touch can ... If you were to accept to travel that path with me I can promise you that I will do everything in my power to make it a successful one. I hope that you can forgive me. Je t'aime. **** Link to post Share on other sites
Author brightskies Posted June 10, 2008 Author Share Posted June 10, 2008 Well, I haven't done anything yet. Haven't even answered that email. I'm just trying to process at this point. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I feel numb about the whole thing: I'm not angry and I'm not sad anymore, but I'm also not particularly pleased that he's wanting to work things out. That surprises me. My brains says that what he's presenting is a good thing, but my heart is dragging its feet. Or is it the other way around? Can you tell that I'm confused? Link to post Share on other sites
Faded Posted June 10, 2008 Share Posted June 10, 2008 Sounds heartfelt. ;\ I've recently gone through the same thing. The woman that broke my heart a few months back couldn't take the NC i had with her. She came running back. Since then, me and her are happy as can be. The way I see it; It's not over until you say it is. If you truly don't want to give him another chance, Don't. If you see yourself with him, in any way and can be sincerely happy.. What do you have to lose? As corny as it was, When my ex came to me, I only had one thing running in my mind. "I've got nothing to lose and my world to gain.." .. No regrets. Link to post Share on other sites
ColeTrickle Posted June 10, 2008 Share Posted June 10, 2008 My advice is still the same. Sounds like he's got a head on his shoulders and he's realized what he lost. No matter what he writes or anyone tells you. The decision is yours. Make sure everything is set straight(including yourself) before you make any decisions and even then.. tread lightly Link to post Share on other sites
Author brightskies Posted June 11, 2008 Author Share Posted June 11, 2008 Sounds heartfelt. ;\ I've recently gone through the same thing. The woman that broke my heart a few months back couldn't take the NC i had with her. She came running back. Since then, me and her are happy as can be. The way I see it; It's not over until you say it is. If you truly don't want to give him another chance, Don't. If you see yourself with him, in any way and can be sincerely happy.. What do you have to lose? As corny as it was, When my ex came to me, I only had one thing running in my mind. "I've got nothing to lose and my world to gain.." .. No regrets. That's so awesome for you!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author brightskies Posted June 11, 2008 Author Share Posted June 11, 2008 My advice is still the same. Sounds like he's got a head on his shoulders and he's realized what he lost. No matter what he writes or anyone tells you. The decision is yours. Make sure everything is set straight (including yourself) before you make any decisions and even then.. tread lightly Thanks. The more I think about it the sadder I feel. I don't know why. I should be happy that he wants me back. Link to post Share on other sites
Faded Posted June 11, 2008 Share Posted June 11, 2008 That's so awesome for you!!! Thanks. Thanks. The more I think about it the sadder I feel. I don't know why. I should be happy that he wants me back. You should be, Especially if it's something you wanted. No one is going to be making this decision for you, Though! .. I did the same thing you did, Turned for advice from just about everyone I knew - Even those I didn't. Some people said no, Some people said yes, Some people told me what I'm telling you - It's all on -your- shoulders, and it really is. You don't want to hear the negative things when you're in love, and if you do - they kind of go in one ear and out the other. What is your heart telling you? What are you feeling.. If this is something you want, then by all means - Go for it, But as someone said - Tread lightly. =) I wish you nothing but happiness with whatever decision you make, You deserve it. Link to post Share on other sites
Template Posted June 11, 2008 Share Posted June 11, 2008 Thanks. The more I think about it the sadder I feel. I don't know why. I should be happy that he wants me back. Wow, your instinctive reaction tells basically the answer to your dilemma. You're agonizing whether you should take him back. To me, this is a person that supposedly "changed', and you are a person who's evolved. In essence you are two different people, and you are potentially starting a relationship unhappy. The decks are already stacked against you. At the very most, if plausible, just be friends and judge his behavior for yourself to prove that he's changed. But if your gut tells you no... then the answer should be NO! Link to post Share on other sites
Author brightskies Posted June 11, 2008 Author Share Posted June 11, 2008 Wow, your instinctive reaction tells basically the answer to your dilemma. You're agonizing whether you should take him back. To me, this is a person that supposedly "changed', and you are a person who's evolved. In essence you are two different people, and you are potentially starting a relationship unhappy. The decks are already stacked against you. At the very most, if plausible, just be friends and judge his behavior for yourself to prove that he's changed. But if your gut tells you no... then the answer should be NO! It's probably because thinking about the situation is reminding me of what we went through. I'm not really sure what you mean by "starting a relationship unhappy" --- other than being sad from the reminiscing? Although do I see what you're saying about how we're probably both different people now. At least from a relationship perspective. My gut is in defensive mode and I'm paying attention. I might be willing to meet with him to hear him out. Nothing may come of it, or we could start again. Either way my expectations are in neutral. Caution. Caution. Caution. Link to post Share on other sites
foxh1234 Posted June 11, 2008 Share Posted June 11, 2008 Well, I haven't done anything yet. Haven't even answered that email. I'm just trying to process at this point. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I feel numb about the whole thing: I'm not angry and I'm not sad anymore, but I'm also not particularly pleased that he's wanting to work things out. That surprises me. My brains says that what he's presenting is a good thing, but my heart is dragging its feet. Or is it the other way around? Can you tell that I'm confused? In my humble opinion if you are not 100% sure that this is what you want, don't do it. It is not fair to either of you if you jump in and your not both in the same place. Link to post Share on other sites
sultry33 Posted June 11, 2008 Share Posted June 11, 2008 i agree, the best way is to meet and talk.. only then will you know how you feel.. me ive been here before few years back.. my ex then wanted to see me to "talk" i thought i was so in love with him but stayed away from him for 2 months.. it was really hard for me in them 2 months but i stayed strong.. when i met him i realised that i actually did not like the person i was looking at.. hurt alot to understand it too as we was off/on for 2yrs.. them 2 months changed us both.. you may have to live with what ifs if you dont x Link to post Share on other sites
BillClam Posted June 11, 2008 Share Posted June 11, 2008 Hey BrightSkies, I'm sort of on the opposite end of your situation, I've been wanting to make some sort of contact with my ex, though not in the same exact fashion to see if things are opened up, if at all. The thing I would suggest though, is don't do anything out of guilt, or at the very most, don't play along with him. When my break up happened, I realized my ex was only calling me because she felt obligated to, where as I thought every talk was a chance to get back together. I personally feel talking to this person might not do any good for either side. I mean, he's coming in, just wanting anything, and you're coming in with a much clearer head. I realize I'm the last person on earth who should be giving relationship advice, but I say tread lightly for a bit, maybe see if there's a way to test the situation without further damaging this person. This person does honestly seem to care about you, and yeah, he goofed, as in you didn't get what you wanted intitially out of the relationship, you have to question whether or not you can treat this as a learning experience, whether it be together, or just for yourself. Don't ever feel like you have to do anything, but do consider the options, and know that being single for a while isn't a bad thing by any means. Link to post Share on other sites
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