He wants to try again?

[brightskies]

Your first posted is much like mine when I ended things. So it is very similar. Do you feel like you shouldn't make any effort right now? That is the thing I am having the most trouble with. I'm finding that I want to believe, but at the same time have doubts.

 

I'm making enough of an effort to show I'm interested and keeping the door open for him, but at the same time I'm not letting him just waltz through. He knows that he needs to prove himself.

[brightskies]

Hmm....It's a lot to tell really but to put it bluntly. My father suffered an anneurism, after wards he wasn't the same mentally (depressed and dark), jumped in front of a train 3 times and on the 3rd lost his legs. Shortly after he was diagnosed with intestinal cancer, had surgery, then bile duct cancer took his life. This was over a 5 year period. Let's just call it hell. He passed 2 years ago. Before that I never truly appreciated what I had in my life, the people I loved and cared for, I just went along with my day. I was angry at the world during this time but then as I got through it I look at the world differently. Little things didn't upset me anymore, like some guy driving 50 in the fast lane, or having to wait 20 minutes to get a check, or all these little things that used to annoy me. My brain just switched consciously and subconsciously.

 

I'm sorry to hear about your loss. It took me a while to respond because it was a lot to take in, and I wasn't sure what to say. You've been incredibly brave through it all and I'm very humbled. My trials and others I've read about on this board seem so minute compared to what you've been through. The fact that you made it through and came out on the other side a better, more loving person is tangible proof of hope and good.

 

I love the people that I am close to, I let them know that, i appreciate them and KEEP them close to me. I am friendly at work, not isolated or reserved, I am open about my feelings and my views and thoughts and it has changed how people interact with me and how my friends look at me. 2 years ago I wasn't much fun to be around, never really asked to do things, now I just don't have the time to do a lot of the stuff that I want to do. i have to choose. People want to be around good natured and happy people.

 

It's great that you were able to see that about yourself and make the appropriate changes. It's easy to get wrapped up in oneself and become bitter, I've been guilty of it. I keep having to remind myself that you get back what you put out in the world, and positive energy is essential in being happy. Sharing it just reaps more of it. It does take a lot of effort to be positive and optimistic, but it's worthwhile and much less of an effort than pulling out of a self-made, dark hole.

[brightskies]

My ex, well, I didn't communicate well at all. This was a fault in me that I was well aware of. Now I choose to put my views on the table regardless of potential conflict. It will only lead to a growing respect for each other. We are all different, we think differently and have different opinions. If you don't communicate even over things that might be difficult you have already lost. This was an important lesson for me. It also taught me not to take **** from the relationship either. Stand up for yourself and what you are thinking and feeling. Do it respectfully and calmly. Keep your emotions in check. Don't yell and slam doors and throw tantrums. In the context of a relationship that person, be it a boyfriend, fiance or wife/husband are to be by your side and the number 1 supporter in your life. Don't disrespect that person and hurt them.

 

The final point is you CAN'T change people, only they can change themselves through their own realization and desire to do something about it.

 

All so true! You're a very wise man. Integrity, honesty, and open, respectful communication in a relationship are vital. I had a partner who wasn't true to himself and hid things from me, and I was too reactive and impulsive. We both tried to change each other and we ended up destroying the relationship instead of building it together. On that point about changing people, I couldn't agree more, and it took me so long to realize and internalize that we have no control over what the other person thinks and does, only on what we think and do ourselves.