Author brightskies Posted June 19, 2008 Author Share Posted June 19, 2008 In my humble opinion if you are not 100% sure that this is what you want, don't do it. It is not fair to either of you if you jump in and your not both in the same place. You're absolutely right. At this point I'm not jumping in --- just mulling the situation over. Link to post Share on other sites
Author brightskies Posted June 19, 2008 Author Share Posted June 19, 2008 i agree, the best way is to meet and talk.. only then will you know how you feel.. me ive been here before few years back.. my ex then wanted to see me to "talk" i thought i was so in love with him but stayed away from him for 2 months.. it was really hard for me in them 2 months but i stayed strong.. when i met him i realised that i actually did not like the person i was looking at.. hurt alot to understand it too as we was off/on for 2yrs.. them 2 months changed us both.. you may have to live with what ifs if you dont x What made you decide to stay away from him for 2 months even though you were still in love with him? Link to post Share on other sites
Author brightskies Posted June 19, 2008 Author Share Posted June 19, 2008 Hey BrightSkies, I'm sort of on the opposite end of your situation, I've been wanting to make some sort of contact with my ex, though not in the same exact fashion to see if things are opened up, if at all. The thing I would suggest though, is don't do anything out of guilt, or at the very most, don't play along with him. When my break up happened, I realized my ex was only calling me because she felt obligated to, where as I thought every talk was a chance to get back together. I personally feel talking to this person might not do any good for either side. I mean, he's coming in, just wanting anything, and you're coming in with a much clearer head. I realize I'm the last person on earth who should be giving relationship advice, but I say tread lightly for a bit, maybe see if there's a way to test the situation without further damaging this person. This person does honestly seem to care about you, and yeah, he goofed, as in you didn't get what you wanted intitially out of the relationship, you have to question whether or not you can treat this as a learning experience, whether it be together, or just for yourself. Don't ever feel like you have to do anything, but do consider the options, and know that being single for a while isn't a bad thing by any means. Thanks --- your advice actually makes sense. Why do you say you're the last person who should give it? I am definitely not doing anything out of guilt. I'm not initiating any contact, but am open to his efforts. We had something worthwhile, I thought. I guess part of me thinks it might *still* be worthwhile. I guess I won't really know until we try. Link to post Share on other sites
Author brightskies Posted June 19, 2008 Author Share Posted June 19, 2008 What a weekend! Between moving to a new town out of state and the Ex, there was a lot happening. The whole time I was moving the Ex kept texting and calling but I was insanely busy and didn't respond. When I finally had a chance to breath I checked my yahoo IM and email and he had left several messages. One that caught my eye said that he was really worried since he hadn't heard from me in 3 days. I have a history of passing out due to health issues, and his only brother had died very suddenly from heart failure, so his concern was reasonable. He even tried calling hospitals in my area. He wrote: 10:42:38 PM ****: ***, I am very concerned about you. The last time I could not reach you was when you collapsed. Therefore in order to get your address ... 10:44:33 PM ****: I am considering driving to your friends in ** 10:47:23 PM ****: You have about two hours to stop me from doing something stupid ... 10:48:15 PM ****: My phone is on for you to reach me 10:49:29 PM ****: ### ### #### 10:50:30 PM ****: Laptop is off 10:51:43 PM ****: Je t aime It was near midnight and he was starting the 5-hour drive to my roommates (he didn't have their number) when I called him back. It turned out that he was in my new town, and had been for 2 days! His car was having trouble so he rented one and he had driven 8 hours with no guarantee that he would see me. I was filthy and dead tired from all the heavy lifting and stairs and was in no mood to entertain, let me tell ya. But after I found out that he had come all this way on the mere hope of meeting up I agreed to see him. It just seemed too cruel to refuse, I was curious, and, I have to admit, my heart melted a little when I heard about his little stunt. He said he didn’t want to impose and would say hello for just five minutes. He ended up staying for over 7 hours. I was exhausted and half asleep, but it was surprisingly nice to see him. He did most of the talking while I listened. Much of what he had to say was the kind of thing I wish he had said when we were together. He seemed genuinely regretful, humbled, apologetic, and sincere. He showed me the note he was planning to give to my old roommates in case they weren’t home. It was so polite and sweet. He asked to spend the day together and was willing to sleep on the floor since I didn’t have a spare bed. The part of me that was touched wanted him to stay longer, but the part of me on the defensive told him I was nervous and uncomfortable. It was all so sudden, and I felt that I needed more time. He said he was afraid that if he waited too long that I’d decide not to see him. He wanted to prove how much he wanted me back. The conversation was bittersweet; a lot of emotions came up. I want to give him another chance, but I don’t know if this “new” him will last. Also, he’s still in transition and has been living with his parents since we broke up. I’m concerned that if a major reason for his withdrawal before was insecurity about his career and finances, and he’s still in a not so stable situation, then who’s to say it won’t happen again? In answer to that, he said he is much happier, is getting his life together, and has found a new job. He feels that he’s in a good place and said, “… being with you would be extra incentive to become a better person and to have more success in my career.” If we got back together, he said that he’d move to my area and get a job here. Since his first contact over 2 weeks ago he has been exactly the kind of affectionate, warm, thoughtful person that he was in the beginning of our relationship, before things went wrong. He’s being bold and romantic now, and it’s all very exciting, but will he be reliable and steadfast in the long run? Would you trust your heart to someone like this again? Should I wait and see? How long would you wait? How long does it take for a person’s true colors to show beyond the courting stage? Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted June 19, 2008 Share Posted June 19, 2008 If you're not ready, blow him off. Then you will see his true colors. Is it an act or not? Link to post Share on other sites
sultry33 Posted June 20, 2008 Share Posted June 20, 2008 What made you decide to stay away from him for 2 months even though you were still in love with him? at the time i thought it would help him miss me and see what he was loosing.. but it went the other way.. he missed me but it was too late id already let him go in my mind and i was looking at a stranger.. i also think looking back now that i really wanted it to work, to me he was so right for me.. just when i took step back i saw him for who he really was.. did hurt alot though, as id forseen our future and he was a great guy. Link to post Share on other sites
sultry33 Posted June 20, 2008 Share Posted June 20, 2008 hi bright skies.. im glad your move went ok and the meeting with your ex.. i guess all you can do is give it time.. noone knows how it will pan out.. life is a mystery.. i too wish i had a crystal ball Link to post Share on other sites
SweptAway Posted June 24, 2008 Share Posted June 24, 2008 Since his first contact over 2 weeks ago he has been exactly the kind of affectionate, warm, thoughtful person that he was in the beginning of our relationship, before things went wrong. He’s being bold and romantic now, and it’s all very exciting, but will he be reliable and steadfast in the long run? Would you trust your heart to someone like this again? Should I wait and see? How long would you wait? How long does it take for a person’s true colors to show beyond the courting stage? I think I'm about to go through something so eeerily similar. My ex has made contact with me after six months. But if he doesn't beg and grovel and talk and apologise like your ex did I'm not touching him with a 20ft pole!!! Thank you for giving me a standard to watch out for! haha How long has it been since your last contact? As for all of those unanswered questions, nobody can answer them for you. There is not set time that it will take for you to trust somebody again. He needs to PROVE time and time again that he can be trusted. He has to SHOW it to you, not just verbally promising you over and over again. And you need to move slowly so that it is easy for you to pull the plug on all of this the moment he starts to slip into his old ways. In fact you must be prepared to walk right out the door in that case because as soon as e realises he can get away with those past behaviours the whole disaster will happen again. It's difficult to determine if someone has changed.Someone once told me that the only thing that causes behavioural change in a person is emotional trauma. Has he had relationships after you? What has made him "see the light" all of a sudden? ....or is it just that he is bored? lonely? better the devil you know? I know with my ex the first thing I will be questioning is WHY he is making a come back. Although your ex is making quite an effort so that is a good sign....lets just hope he doesnt get too comfortable. Link to post Share on other sites
PiscesTheHated Posted June 26, 2008 Share Posted June 26, 2008 I have been in your situation. yes, the guy seems to love and care for you a lot, I would say get back with him if you cannot do without him. If you can move on, however, I would say do it. A similar situation happened to me, and I decided to move on. He had his chance and did not take it - his loss! Same with you, its his loss and he knows it! Link to post Share on other sites
justaman99 Posted June 26, 2008 Share Posted June 26, 2008 I agree with Cole. I also think that people don't change, and if he hurt you very much in the past, the "new" him will only last for a while, and he'll revert back to his old ways. I need background about WHY you guys broke up. What were his behaviors that hurt you so? Well Kiz I used to believe the same. Some people do change and some don't. It all depends on intelligence and the will to be a better person and learn from life's lessons. Life has changed me. Trauma in my life, with my family and even my ex has changed me yet again. I look at things differently and make efforts each day to rotate this world just a little differently than before. I do believe people can and do change but it's not something that happens overnight. It takes a big event, a loss of someone close through death or a break up of a true love, a major event. It's possible and it happens. Link to post Share on other sites
t_veron Posted June 26, 2008 Share Posted June 26, 2008 Awww how cute makes me want to puke Obviously I kid to add some dramatic effects. Here's my take. 1. You're over-analyzing. 2. Yes you should open the door and let him in. 3. You MUST start all over like this is your first date and get to know each other all over. 4. Gage how or if things are different. If he was just afraid to show his feelings looks like you'll be fine. People don't change unless an eternal force is put upon them. In this case that force was your breakup and time to think. Match his actions. For every 2 steps he takes forward you take 1. That way this time he's forced to move things along in the right direction otherwise you don't invest youself and get screwed again. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author brightskies Posted June 28, 2008 Author Share Posted June 28, 2008 If you're not ready, blow him off. Then you will see his true colors. Is it an act or not? You mean, just ignore him? How is being rude going to help? Link to post Share on other sites
Author brightskies Posted June 28, 2008 Author Share Posted June 28, 2008 at the time i thought it would help him miss me and see what he was loosing.. but it went the other way.. he missed me but it was too late id already let him go in my mind and i was looking at a stranger.. i also think looking back now that i really wanted it to work, to me he was so right for me.. just when i took step back i saw him for who he really was.. did hurt alot though, as id forseen our future and he was a great guy. That's tragic. You're both "the one that got away" for each other. But when you say you saw him for who he was --- I guess he wasn't as good a person as you thought? You're right --- time will tell. Link to post Share on other sites
Author brightskies Posted June 28, 2008 Author Share Posted June 28, 2008 I think I'm about to go through something so eeerily similar. My ex has made contact with me after six months. But if he doesn't beg and grovel and talk and apologise like your ex did I'm not touching him with a 20ft pole!!! Thank you for giving me a standard to watch out for! haha How long has it been since your last contact? As for all of those unanswered questions, nobody can answer them for you. There is not set time that it will take for you to trust somebody again. He needs to PROVE time and time again that he can be trusted. He has to SHOW it to you, not just verbally promising you over and over again. And you need to move slowly so that it is easy for you to pull the plug on all of this the moment he starts to slip into his old ways. In fact you must be prepared to walk right out the door in that case because as soon as e realises he can get away with those past behaviours the whole disaster will happen again. It's difficult to determine if someone has changed.Someone once told me that the only thing that causes behavioural change in a person is emotional trauma. Has he had relationships after you? What has made him "see the light" all of a sudden? ....or is it just that he is bored? lonely? better the devil you know? I know with my ex the first thing I will be questioning is WHY he is making a come back. Although your ex is making quite an effort so that is a good sign....lets just hope he doesnt get too comfortable. You're too funny! Our last contact was in April. At the time I had accepted that we were done so hearing from him was shock. I completely agree on moving slowly and seeing if he'll prove himself. It's pretty easy to promise the moon but can he walk the talk? Yeah, I was definitely skeptical about why he wanted to come back. He said in his mind we were never finished, even though I had broken up with him. He just needed time to sort things out in his head. You said "be prepared to walk right out the door" in case he starts to slip --- that's a tough call, but again, you're right. It's pretty sad, but I tend to agree with you --- some people, when relaxed and comfortable in the relationship, tend to take their partners for granted. I hope this doesn't turn out that way. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted June 28, 2008 Share Posted June 28, 2008 Since his first contact over 2 weeks ago he has been exactly the kind of affectionate, warm, thoughtful person that he was in the beginning of our relationship, before things went wrong. He’s being bold and romantic now, and it’s all very exciting, but will he be reliable and steadfast in the long run? Would you trust your heart to someone like this again? Should I wait and see? How long would you wait? How long does it take for a person’s true colors to show beyond the courting stage? I urge you to be cautious. He sounds a lot like someone I once gave a second chance to. So sweet at the beginning, same old withdrawal crap at the end. Link to post Share on other sites
Author brightskies Posted June 28, 2008 Author Share Posted June 28, 2008 I have been in your situation. yes, the guy seems to love and care for you a lot, I would say get back with him if you cannot do without him. If you can move on, however, I would say do it. A similar situation happened to me, and I decided to move on. He had his chance and did not take it - his loss! Same with you, its his loss and he knows it! What made you decide to move on --- did he seem less appealing after you broke up? I know my ego wants to say "he had his chance, screw him," but I still care for the guy ... Link to post Share on other sites
Author brightskies Posted June 28, 2008 Author Share Posted June 28, 2008 Well Kiz I used to believe the same. Some people do change and some don't. It all depends on intelligence and the will to be a better person and learn from life's lessons. Life has changed me. Trauma in my life, with my family and even my ex has changed me yet again. I look at things differently and make efforts each day to rotate this world just a little differently than before. I do believe people can and do change but it's not something that happens overnight. It takes a big event, a loss of someone close through death or a break up of a true love, a major event. It's possible and it happens. What happened to you and how did you change? Link to post Share on other sites
Author brightskies Posted June 28, 2008 Author Share Posted June 28, 2008 I urge you to be cautious. He sounds a lot like someone I once gave a second chance to. So sweet at the beginning, same old withdrawal crap at the end. Did you ever discover why? How long did it take for his mask to slip? Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted June 28, 2008 Share Posted June 28, 2008 Did you ever discover why? How long did it take for his mask to slip? Let's just say that nothing had changed, including him. Plenty of pretty words but his actions conflicted. It took about two months for things to crash and burn the second time around. Link to post Share on other sites
Author brightskies Posted June 28, 2008 Author Share Posted June 28, 2008 Awww how cute makes me want to puke Obviously I kid to add some dramatic effects. Here's my take. 1. You're over-analyzing. 2. Yes you should open the door and let him in. 3. You MUST start all over like this is your first date and get to know each other all over. 4. Gage how or if things are different. If he was just afraid to show his feelings looks like you'll be fine. People don't change unless an eternal force is put upon them. In this case that force was your breakup and time to think. Feel free to puke. Hah, you're spot on with #1. Yes, I think I'm giving #2 a shot. #3 is really challenging --- I keep trying to stress how we have to get to know each other again, but he keeps acting like I'm already his gf --- except in good ways. #4 He's done a 180 --- now, he jokes that he's impatient and I'm holding back. Match his actions. For every 2 steps he takes forward you take 1. That way this time he's forced to move things along in the right direction otherwise you don't invest youself and get screwed again. Good luck. Thank you, this is excellent advice --- I'm trying my damnedest to slow things down -- but it's sticky what with his sheer force of personality and the fact that I still care about him. I still haven't promised anything or said I love him back. I feel like it's this bizarre chess game and it's up to me to manage my emotions so the whole thing doesn't get screwed up. And I don't mean "playing games" just to pull one over another person -- I mean it takes a lot of care to prevent a mishap. Is it just me or is this typical that women have to take the emotional reigns/handle the pacing in the relationship? I get the sense that if we were to go with his rapid timing we'd burn up and peter out. Link to post Share on other sites
sultry33 Posted June 28, 2008 Share Posted June 28, 2008 That's tragic. You're both "the one that got away" for each other. But when you say you saw him for who he was --- I guess he wasn't as good a person as you thought? You're right --- time will tell. yeah once id had the time to myself i realised that i wanted it to work.. you know we had fun.. used to sing together lol it was fun.. he had a daughter who too had autism so connection there too.. he looked like robbie williams.. yum he was a sensitive kinf caring guy.. but i wanted the future to work instead of it just working.. i thought he was perfect for me.. but then really when i was without him i moved on in my head.. expected the worse.. and didnt feel the time was right.. we also didnt fit sexually and my drive was alot higher than his.. and in time that would have split us up.. i think for me once i realised my expectations was high and he was having doubtsw i drew line under it.. thought thats it.. but really all he needed was time. but i dont wait around.. he wasnt the right guy. if he had been then i dont think doubts would have been there. i like the love story theroy and for me thats the only way.. you meet u fall in love you stay in love.. you dont take time out.. you dont hurt the other.. yes you may have ups an downs but thats life you work it out. maybe i will always be single or in long relationships that never really make it.. but im not giving up my love story.. lol you dont bail out when the going gets tough.. you just get stronger.. hope it works out for you x Link to post Share on other sites
sid3 Posted June 28, 2008 Share Posted June 28, 2008 I am going through the same thing B. Your wise to take it slow, see if his actions match what he is telling you. I can relate with the feeling sad when thinking back.Maybe they are saying the things now because they weren't able to or ready to before. Maybe it took us breaking up with them and letting them see what life is like without us. Your first posted is much like mine when I ended things. So it is very similar. Do you feel like you shouldn't make any effort right now? That is the thing I am having the most trouble with. I'm finding that I want to believe, but at the same time have doubts. Being cautious is a nicer way of saying it. I guess time will tell. Link to post Share on other sites
justaman99 Posted June 28, 2008 Share Posted June 28, 2008 What happened to you and how did you change? Hmm....It's a lot to tell really but to put it bluntly. My father suffered an anneurism, after wards he wasn't the same mentally (depressed and dark), jumped in front of a train 3 times and on the 3rd lost his legs. Shortly after he was diagnosed with intestinal cancer, had surgery, then bile duct cancer took his life. This was over a 5 year period. Let's just call it hell. He passed 2 years ago. Before that I never truly appreciated what I had in my life, the people I loved and cared for, I just went along with my day. I was angry at the world during this time but then as I got through it I look at the world differently. Little things didn't upset me anymore, like some guy driving 50 in the fast lane, or having to wait 20 minutes to get a check, or all these little things that used to annoy me. My brain just switched consciously and subconsciously. I love the people that I am close to, I let them know that, i appreciate them and KEEP them close to me. I am friendly at work, not isolated or reserved, I am open about my feelings and my views and thoughts and it has changed how people interact with me and how my friends look at me. 2 years ago I wasn't much fun to be around, never really asked to do things, now I just don't have the time to do a lot of the stuff that I want to do. i have to choose. People want to be around good natured and happy people. If you treat people well they will treat you well in return. If you don't treat them well, are bitter snappy or an ahole people won't want to be around you. You will find a loss in life's pleasure of companionship and this will further put you into a hole. Work on yourself, be friendly and appreciate those that are important in your life and you will feel more fulfilled. My ex, well, I didn't communicate well at all. This was a fault in me that I was well aware of. Now I choose to put my views on the table regardless of potential conflict. It will only lead to a growing respect for each other. We are all different, we think differently and have different opinions. If you don't communicate even over things that might be difficult you have already lost. This was an important lesson for me. It also taught me not to take **** from the relationship either. Stand up for yourself and what you are thinking and feeling. Do it respectfully and calmly. Keep your emotions in check. Don't yell and slam doors and throw tantrums. In the context of a relationship that person, be it a boyfriend, fiance or wife/husband are to be by your side and the number 1 supporter in your life. Don't disrespect that person and hurt them. The final point is you CAN'T change people, only they can change themselves through their own realization and desire to do something about it. Link to post Share on other sites
sid3 Posted June 28, 2008 Share Posted June 28, 2008 Hmm.... If you treat people well they will treat you well in return. WRONG! We can only hope that if we treat people well they will treat us well in return. Sadly, as I am sure you have found, this is not often the case. Some people just suck. And it has nothing to do with us:eek: Link to post Share on other sites
justaman99 Posted June 29, 2008 Share Posted June 29, 2008 WRONG! We can only hope that if we treat people well they will treat us well in return. Sadly, as I am sure you have found, this is not often the case. Some people just suck. And it has nothing to do with us:eek: I'll agree with you. My point should have been that you will attract more people into your life if you treat them well. Meaning if you are nice and approachable you will find more of the same types of people entering your life and wanting to be a part of it. This attitude will benefit you at work and in your personal life. But some do just suck, brush em off. You have others that will appreciate and reciprocate. -Just Link to post Share on other sites
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