says he is unsure(and other rants.)....

[niko1999]

Ok, I just want some insight into this, not advice as to what to do(though if you want to dish some out, that is fine:))Anway, my boyfreind and I had a conversation the other night. Lets set the scene. I had gone to bed early cuase i was wicked tired and he stayed up, Ok, no big deal, we have done that before, gone to bed at different times. Anway,I woke up about an hour later, and he was on the computer but he had this webpage, picture rating site, open. Now, the way it works is somone can click to meet you or they rate how hot they think you are. My roomate told me about it, I had opened an account, told Justin about it, and he opened an account.

 

Well, I didnt mind that he had an account, he doesnt believe taht he is overly attractive, so it was good for his ego, the fact that he scored a 9.4 out of 10. Anway, thats not the point. The thing taht bothers me is the fact taht he still has an account with an online dating service (that is how we met actually ). Well, when I woke up, he was looking at his picture rating thing, and when he heard me, closed it up real quick, like he had been caught doing something wrong. Now, dont get me wrong,he could have been in the process of closing it up anyway, but he just kind of jumped when he heard me.

 

so youre probably wondering where this is going. Well, I was a little urked, and brought up the dating site thing and how he still has all that, and that it bothers me, and he just blurts out with, maybe Im not happily ever after. So of course, THAT caught my attention. Anway, we talked for a little bit and he says that he is very unsure about the future, and he doesnt like being unsure about it, and that he is stressed at work, and that he doesnt like uncertainty(pertaining to us becuase he knows i would DIE for him to put a ring on my finger, but he is "unsure"), then went to sleep, but the next day I was still feeling VERY out of sorts, becuase if he might not be happily ever after, than what is the pointe, right? Well, like I said, I was stil quite upset the next day, and was crying in the shower, and he saw taht I was upset when I came out, but didnt come right to me(right after I got dressed he did-was probably just giving me a moment). But anway, for once he figured out what was wrong without me having to say anything(the "maybe Im not happily ever after" thing), and he says to me," I love you so much, and I dont plan on getting rid of you anytime soon, but sometimes I just dont have all the answers" So that was nice to hear(the "I love you so much part"). And though it didnt TOTALLY set my mind at ease, it did make me feel better.

 

So later that day, while he was at work, I thought I would be cute and get onto MY picture rating site account, and look him up, and click that I wanted to meet him. WELL.... on his profile it said that he was a SINGLE guy, blah blah blah. So I just about had a heartattack, I was about ready to hyperventilate. I called my mom all upset and everything, becuase I felt TOTALLY betrayed for obvious reasons. And I came to the conclusion that quite possibly, he meant single as in he wasnt married, not single as in single. Anway, I ended up confronting him about it, and he said exactly what I thought, he said "of course Im single, Im not married" So I explained to him that when you put something like that on a website, it means youre SINGLE single, not single as in not married. So anyway, I talked to my mom again this mornning, and apparently she had told my father AND my brother of what had happened, and they both said teh same thing that Justin said, that he is single in the fact that he is not married. So taht put my mind at ease. And at the end of the night, I asked him if he would change that one part, and he told me that he would if it bothered me that much. So I guess what I am getting at, is 1) what do you think I could do to perhaps make the future more certain? and 2)Are guys mentalities really THAT much more different than a females? because my father AND brother had the same answer Justin did when it came to thg single thing. So thanks everyone who read all this, I just needed to get hat off of me, and would like to see what some total strangers think as well.

[clia]

1) what do you think I could do to perhaps make the future more certain?

 

YOU can't do anything right now. He's the one who is uncertain, not you. The future will not be more certain until he decides what he wants. IMO, your best bet is to avoid hassling him excessively about this. It's obviously on his mind. He knows you are upset. You won't accomplish a whole lot if you initiate talks about it. I think you should just give him some space and try not to stress about it too much. It's really quite normal to be uncertain about where a relationship is going, particularly when he knows you desperately want to get married.

 

2)Are guys mentalities really THAT much more different than a females? because my father AND brother had the same answer Justin did when it came to thg single thing.

 

Well, I'm a girl and I agree with your father and brother. It wouldn't cross my mind to put anything other than "Single" down if I wasn't married, no matter how long I had been dating someone exclusively. "Single" means "Not married" in our society.

[abarabarea]

hmmmm....

 

I know on some picture rating sites for your "status" you can put down single/dating or a single but taken thing/ married. If this is also true for the site your boyfriend is visiting, I would be concerned. But maybe I'm paranoid b/c my last boyfriend cheated on me

[niko1999]

No, it doesnt put that for any sort of status, its of your own free will. And to the previous poster, though I do appreciate what you said to me, I dont push the issue with him, I learned a long time ago that I cant do that, I would just like to know if perhaps there is a way to speed a long the process is all.

[clia]

I dont push the issue with him

 

The only reason I said that is because the following things both explicitly and implicitly seem like pushing the issue to me...

 

Well, I was a little urked, and brought up the dating site thing and how he still has all that, and that it bothers me

 

becuase he knows i would DIE for him to put a ring on my finger

 

and was crying in the shower, and he saw taht I was upset when I came out

 

I thought I would be cute and get onto MY picture rating site account, and look him up, and click that I wanted to meet him.

 

So I explained to him that when you put something like that on a website, it means youre SINGLE single, not single as in not married.

 

I asked him if he would change that one part, and he told me that he would if it bothered me that much.

 

This kind of stuff creates pressure, even if you don't intend it to. No, it's not the same as saying "Marry me! Marry me! Marry me!" but it creates the same type of impression in the mind. It seems like you are feeling really insecure (and I can't say I blame you), but be cautious about letting your insecurity show through. Insecurity oftentimes accidentally creates pressure which leads to problems. You don't mean to do it, but because you feel insecure you want to pull him closer and closer and closer. Just be careful. That's all I'm saying.

 

I would just like to know if perhaps there is a way to speed a long the process is all.

 

In my view, no, but others may disagree.

[niko1999]

Sorry, I misinterpreted what you said, and how you meant it. So how do I not show my insecurities, becuase its kind of hard sometimes, becuase we have had problems in the past(as all couples have), but they were pretty severe, though we pushed through it. He had told me many months ago that he loved me but WASNT IN love with me, but reconsiliated on that, and told me so, so that was good and things got better. ITs not taht there BAD, things are great between us for the most part. But I do appreciate your advice a lot- can you keep plowing it toward me? Do you really think that single in our society means not married? I just never really saw it as that is all. Thanks:)

[clia]

Sorry, I misinterpreted what you said, and how you meant it.

 

That's okay, I think I said what I meant better the second time!

 

So how do I not show my insecurities, becuase its kind of hard sometimes

 

You stop showing insecurity by giving him space. Your natural inclination right now is to pull him closer so he can't run away and to do cute things so he knows how much you love him (and hopefully to make him love you more). Don't do this. (It's very, very hard.) Remember the you that you were before you met him? The independent you who was happy and carefree and confident? The you he met and fell in love with? She wasn't insecure, was she? Heck no! Dig into yourself and find her again. Drag her out, slap her, and send her out into the world. You might consider adding something to your life right now to help take your mind off this, like taking an evening class once a week or something.

 

Now, I'm not saying to ignore your boyfriend. But just take a step back. You have to understand first and foremost that men are different than we are. We women often do things with the best of intentions, but men absorb those words and actions in different ways than we intend. (This is just my opinion, of course.) To you, it may just be a nice discussion about where the relationship is going. To him, it may feel like a pressure cooker. To you, it may just be a cute thing to let him know you love him. To him, it may feel like more and more and more pressure. It may feel clingy. Let's use an analogy. As I said, your boyfriend is well aware that you want to get married. So imagine the first time you told him that, it started out as a grain of sand on his shoulder. No big deal. But each time you say or do something to reinforce how much you want to be with him, add another grain of sand. Eventually the poor guy is going to tip over. The last thing you want to do is make him tip over.

 

He won't tip over if you don't keep adding grains of sand. You stop adding grains of sand by getting rid of your insecurity. Well, how do you do that, right? (I don't blame you at all for feeling insecure about him. I would, too.) You know the source of the insecurity is his uncertain/changing feelings toward you. As I said before, there's nothing you can do about his feelings. It's his deal. But you can do things to deal with and/or eliminate the insecurity you are feeling.

 

First, get to a point where you don't take each and every thing he does personally. Chances are he loves you and doesn't want to hurt you. So when he does dumb things like forget to take down his personals account or surf on a picture rating site, don't take it personally. He's human, makes mistakes, and that's life. Nothing to cry or get upset over.

 

Second, have a great life of your own going on. Don't focus 100% of your attention on him and the relationship. Get out there and do things. Let your boyfriend realize what a great catch you are, a girl who loads of guys would love to have the option of marrying.

 

Third, do not forget that you have many things going for you, and he is pretty darn lucky to have you. Some of his comments to you indicate that he really thinks he's the prize (TM Ryan). He can get away with telling you he's not "in love" with you? Nope, not anymore, buddy! Do not lose sight of how great you are niko! Don't accept it when he says things like that to you. Don't get upset over it. Who the heck is he, anyway? Remember, you've got huge lines of guys waiting to have the chance to be with you!

 

Do you really think that single in our society means not married?

 

Absolutely. There are different "stages" of single, I suppose. I mean, just because I'm not married doesn't mean I would run off and cheat on an exclusive relationship. If someone asked me my relationship status, I'd say I was dating someone, but technically, until I have a ring on my finger, I'm single. I still file my taxes as "Single." I still have to enter "Single" on a credit card application.

[niko1999]

Thanks Clia, you have actually been a really big help, and I will keep in mind what you said, becuase honestly, I never looked at it from that pointe of view:)