Why do people cheat?

[moimeme]

It all depends on how important sex is to you, how many accommodations your intended will make for you, and what your priorities are. We have one LSer who is happy in a celibate marriage and another who is planning on having an affair because her sexless marriage is driving her bats. Only you know your limits. However, if you are already contemplating affairs, I think it's a bad sign and that it bodes ill for your marriage.

 

Why not go look for a man who will have kids - and agree to have sex, too?

[martha74]

Thanks for the thoughts - must be the beautiful BC air!

 

Good points - he is willing to have sex (and he is sad that our sex life is dwindling), but it's just that for most of my 20's...I played it "good" and "safe". You know, I knew when to say "no" to sex, was never promiscuous and only just before I moved in with my boyfriend did I start to understand my own sexual needs...

 

Then my boyfriend, who is traditional, kind of unintentionally stifled them with "traditional sex" - I think he was a bit put off by me taking control at times. He is now willing to shake things up a bit, but after a few years, I'm not that interested anymore.

 

Now, I need lust, craziness and someone to take control sexually (yes, with someone else) - feelings that never surfaced until my late 20's. This is a common theme amongst my girlfriends - not just me. We never sewed our "wild oats" because we were afraid of being tramps - and now, we are all in ideal situations, but not happy?!

 

I know that these things I am talking about are perhaps superficial, and will likely dwindle in any long term relationship, so, perhaps it is just a matter of me maturing, and growing up a bit.

 

I guess I will have to try and re-evaluate my needs while in this relationship. As 'stepping out' of the relationship just doesn't feel right.

 

thanks.

[christineR]

I feel that if you say you love someone and then you go out and cheat on them, you never really loved them in the first place, maybe you felt you did and thats why you said it, so i wouldnt go as far as saying they lied, cause at the time maybe thats how they felt! But If you really love someone no matter what the situation is you will always think of them and how it will effect them! and if you have ever been cheated on then remember your not really loved!

Christine!

[xalysabethh]

I havnt cheated but wtih leaving out my long history me and my husband were seperated i got inovlved with someone else (some mgiht think this is cheating.. i dont necessarily as my husband told me our marriage was over and we were headed oward a divorce) but any way i still loved my husbad we are together today working this out i still cared deeply about this other person and he will always have a special place to me. i never thought i could love someone else especially at the same time. i was wrong i think people cheat beacsue they are huamn and that is why it is dangerous to have opp sex realtionships while married the temptations are there and its natural and not that hard to fall for someone else. now do i think cheating is right not a t all. that is what my husband did to me and i have no sympthay for someon ewho does that. But I can see how it can happen.

Xalysabeth

[jyo]

I'm married an have cheated on my husband several times. One time things and long term relationships. I guess I though maybe I could help with some of the questions I've seen.

 

First, I DO NOT think I'm a good person. I think that I do terrible things to someone who is a wonderful man. I hate that I do it, but for some reason I can't stop. I try to over and over again. I will break off things with the other person and be good and then I just need it. I feel like I'm an addict and can't break the cycle. I wish I had a concrete reason. I don't think its because I'm selfish. I know how much it would hurt him and I do EVERYTHING in my power to make sure he doesn't know. And I deny him nothing. I am there for him whenever and however he needs me.

 

Do I love him, I'm not sure. I know that he is very important to me, but I really don't know what love is. I can't even say I love my parents. I just don't know. I guess maybe thats my problem. My other problem would be that I HATE to be alone. Being abandoned by my father at 9 may have played a role in the kinds of relationships I have with men. The men that I meet are weak. I don't know if I look for men I can control, or if I'm looking for a soft, caring, attentive person who just happens to have a weak heart for a women. I'm not sure. But I do control my relationships.

 

The other man is informed up front of my position. And I do find people who I can trust before anything happens. Again, I don't want to hurt my husband. Its just that he works second shift and I work first. So the only time we see each other is on the weekend. So its like I'm single during the week and married on the weekends. Really, if I could have him everyday, I don't think I would look for anyone. One, because I'd have him, and Two, because I wouldn't be able to since I'm with him.

 

Recently, he found out about a new relationship. I only told him that it was meeting for dinner and having conversations on the phone, and a kiss. I wouldn't dare tell him more. Not to save me, but to save him. When he found out I told him I was sorry and I told him that he should leave me because I'm a horrible person. He deserves so much more. Honestly, I don't deserve this man and I know it. I wanted to let him go only because I really don't think I can stop. I tried to leave...Several times during the weekend of fighting. But everytime, he wouldn't let me know. He feels that we were married forever and we will work through anything. While I find his loyalty the best quality of this wonderful man. I am so crushed that he just won't let this pile of crap he calls a wife go. I don't want to keep hurting him. I cry over and over and over. I go to therapy now to try to figure out how to control it. I don't want to hurt him. But, If I do it again, I'm just going to leave him and file for divorce even if he doesn't want it. It will only be for his own good. I already promised him and could have whatever he wants, I only want him to have a great life that he deserves.

 

So, I don't think I really answered any questions as I had hoped. But I guess I just wanted some people to understand... Some cheaters are not these heartless bastards that are only out for their own happiness. Some people want to help themselves and just don't know how.

[dyermaker]

Originally posted by jyo

I go to therapy now to try to figure out how to control it.

 

This is a wonderful idea. It's not that you're an evil person, it's that you are doing evil things. I think that if you resolve your issues of abandonment and sabotage you can function healthily with your husband, are things working out in therapy?

[martha74]

jyo - thank you for that note -

 

it is very easy for people to assume a position of judgement and idealistic attitudes about relationships & cheating -- but it is significant when someone is able to be honest with how they are truly feeling.

 

cheating isn't right - but, perhaps the idea of "death do us part" isn't either - it's just the position we have been told is the appropriate one to take.

 

i thank you for your ideas and insight - and will consider them on my current journey and struggles!

martha74

[jyo]

Therapy just started. We are still in the "discovery phase". But really I'm feeling like I'm learning a lot about myself. I really do think everyone should try it sometime in their life.

 

BTW - I'm not sure I made it clear, but my need for someone else has nothing to do with sex. I don't crave sex. I crave the attention. I just want someone to pay attention to me and sex is the most individual attention you can have.

 

I know some people just can't understand my feeling, and I can appreciate that. As long as they can understand we're all different. We all have different things that make us tick. And all we are doing is trying to figure out how to live this life we've been given.

 

Thanks for this forum.

JYO

[AMN819]

Why do dogs lick themselves?? Because they can..that's why people cheat. I can tell you I have been cheated on by almost every guy I have dated....there is NO excuse for it...once a cheater always a cheater...and that's the D@MN truth...

 

BTW..how the HELL do you compare cheating to being fat??? Overweight people sometimes can't control it...my sister happens to be overweight and she eats like a d@mn bird....doesn't make her a bad person...a cheater is a low life POS who CHOOSES to be like that...I don't feel bad for cheaters!! HMM...do I sound a little bitter?? LOL!

[AMN819]

Lemme rephrase that before I get hate mail......MOST cheaters are low life POS's......MOST.....the ones who CONTINUE to do it. It's easy to tell someone it's over...if you wanna play the field at least let me KNOW first!!

[I'll Tell You]

I believe people cheat, not because they are bad people or liars but because there is a need that is not being met.

 

It's that simple. Their in search of, usually, they don't know what.

 

It doesn't mean the person they cheated on did something wrong, it doesn't even mean the person they are cheating with has what they need.

 

They are in search of meeting a need and are probably looking in the wrong place.

 

Most of the time, they don't even know what need isn't being met.

 

So many of us put all of the burden to meet our needs on our 'other half'. When we should be distributing it amongst many including friends and family, hobbies and work. This is dangerous because it is unrealistic and unfair to think one person can meet every need of another.

 

It's very difficult to find the right people or activities to include in our circle that do in fact meet our needs, especially if we aren't sure what those needs are.

 

The best way to cure a cheater is for them to separate and really evaluate what their needs are FROM THEIR PARTNER then separate the negotiable from non-negotiable.

 

The negotiable needs are things we'd like and will do without for the love of our life. The non-negotiable needs are just that NON-negotiable.

 

For those of you who aren't sure what I mean by negotiable and non-negotiable needs I'll tell you some of mine.

 

negotiable need =the toilet seat down

non-negotiable need =to have children or not

negotiable need =someone who works 9-5

non-negotiable need =sexual compatibility

negotiable need =someone with lots of money

non-negotiable need =someone with a job

 

These are just examples.....What are your needs?

[no_memory1]

I have been with my boyfriend for 19yrs, we have 3 kids together. In the beginning, he cheated first, he told me about it. I then met someone briefly, that was so different from my boyfriend and was more romantic and swept me off my feet. I was away from home at the time, he was older than my boyfriend.

 

I went home to my boyfriend and he knew right away, he flipped out. We stayed together, I later found out I was pregnant. He thought it wasn't his. Until she was born, looked just like him. I know he has cheated other times in the past, and I have too, some that he is unaware of. Lust is one of the main reasons i cheated, other times it was just alcohol. (Do not drink anymore).

 

We are more in love now than we were back then and would never cheat now. I could guarantee it. Cheaters are not bad people, sometimes they are unsure of what they want. Sometimes it is self control. Don't be so hard on cheaters, some people learn from their mistakes and become a better person because of it.[color=indigo][/color]

[InquisitiveK]

The people I know who have cheated (or, one reason people do it)... because they're INSECURE. They deperately want that complete affirmation, and getting it from someone new is a big affirmation. Insecure people don't really know and love who they are. They need to stop going outside themselves for validation, and focus on "me."

 

Ultimately, everyone could benefit from:

 

*some time on their own (likeing themselves and feeling secure on only their own affirmation)

 

* therapy, and sincere looking-inward (to learn who you are and what's Healthy)

 

* open communication with yourself and people you're in relationship with.

 

 

These are things I'm working on, and encourage people I care about to look at, too.

[a-nobody]

I came on the computer today because I am depressed, angry and lost...so lost.

 

 

Cheating is nothing new to me. I've had it done to me and I've done it to others. I was young, stupid...I knew I'd outgrow it when I found what I was looking for. I'm not condoning it - it's horrible. I read the posts on this forum and feel the pain of those who have been hurt. I read the posts saying cheaters are horrible creatures and there is not excuse for them...and I don't find myself disagreeing. But rather agreeing with a horrible feeling of "Yes I am horrible...but yet I know I'm not."

 

 

I am in a two year relationship right now, the first year and half was great. I finally found it. I thought the lust and thoughts of wanting more had finally left me...they hadn't.

 

 

I want/wanted to marry this man, I wanted him to be the first person I was faithful to. I WANTED TO PROVE TO MYSELF THAT I COULD BE FAITHFUL. Why can't I? What is wrong with me? I feel like I have an addiction. I am not having a long term affair, but I have cheated...AGAIN! I slept with two men in the past six months, for no reason other than sex.

 

 

My boyfriend is wonderful to me, we have fun. Our sex life was great and then calmed down a bit - like every relationship does when it gets comfortable. Right?

 

 

I hate myself for falling again. I am alone with my agony because I am ashamed and embarrassed to even tell my closest friends.

 

 

Do I set him free so he can find someone worth being with? Am I meant to never settle down? Is this ever going to stop? I know I am a good person...what am I looking for?

 

 

This post that I quoted made me cry, I know it was posted by a guest, but it was the first thing I read that actually made some sense to me. Please somebody help me iron out this mess that is me.

 

 

Originally posted by I'll Tell You

I believe people cheat, not because they are bad people or liars but because there is a need that is not being met.

 

It's that simple. Their in search of, usually, they don't know what.

 

It doesn't mean the person they cheated on did something wrong, it doesn't even mean the person they are cheating with has what they need.

 

They are in search of meeting a need and are probably looking in the wrong place.

 

Most of the time, they don't even know what need isn't being met.

[jenyochum]

I know the feeling " a-nobody". I was there and am still in the process of healing.

I also read the post about not being happy with who you are and looking for validation.

 

Its been 3 weeks since I cheated on my husband. And I've done so several times before. I want to stop. I want to be happy with one person. The one man who means the most to me, but I just don't understand why.

 

I have been doing Therapy and it does seem to be because of my self_esteem that I look else where. I am extremely hard on myself. I constantly put myself down and will only accept perfection from myself. So, I am dealing with me and who I am. Looking for things that "I" can do to make myself happy instead of searching for someone else to make me happy.

 

My husband is a wonderful man, and I tried to let him go but he refuses. He feels we can work things out. Him staying with me shows me that he sees a good person inside of me and is willing to stay and help me find her again. That is the encouragement I need.

 

Nice I started finding self-happiness, I have found our relationship is getting better. And, it is very hard to be happy with one person if you find yourself thinking about another.

 

So, stay strong. You are a good person...Your just on the wrong track. But if you start making tough decisions and really stick with them, you'll find your way back.

 

Take care a-nobody.

[a-nobody]

God, I didn't realize how much I needed to talk to someone until I finally received a reply from you, jenyochum. I feel more comfortable talking to you on this forum, but I appreciate you extending your email. It was kind of you.

 

 

My boyfriend does not know what I've done. He would not be supportive of me. It would be over, no questions. I don't blame him. Is it wrong of me to not tell him? Is it feasible to think that I can change myself and make myself the person he fell inlove with and the person he thinks I am?

 

 

It's funny that you say I have to make that hard choice, the saying no to another encounter, because it is unbelievably hard. And I agree with you, I feel like if I can just say no it will almost be like saying, "Hi, my name's a-nobody and I'm an alcoholic." The person I've been meeting up with doesn't mean anything to me either. Which is what makes me so angry at myself. It's not like I'm in love with someone else, it's almost like I'm addicted to that feeling of excitement and lust. That's the part I like. That's also the part that is not present in my current relationship. I love my boyfriend, I know there are people who will read my posts and say that I don't love him because of what I've done. But I do, I want to be good to him. I want to feel lust for him. Can we ever make that happen again? Does it just get less and less as the years go on? Is loving someone without that lust being there what true love is? If so, then maybe I don't know how to love.

 

 

The person I hook up with is a kind man, he does not know that I am so involved with someone else. He has a vague idea of a person being in the picture but we do not discuss it because I think we are both happy with it being just a sexual encounter and no emotion or discussion. No baggage. I know that all I have to say to make it stop is that I am trying to make things work with my boyfriend. He will totally respect that and back off. There were numerous times I planned to do this - via email, on the phone, but it just doesn't come out. I know this is my first step and I know it is hard but I'm going to try to do this the next time he rings me. I know this sounds weird but I need your help. Please ask me about it and encourage me to do it and to be honest with you about it. I think my shame overcomes me from being honest with anyone, even strangers. But I know I need help and cannot do it alone.

 

Thank you so much for listening and talking to me, it means more than I can even express. I look forward to more coorespondance with you. I hope we can be a support system for each other.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Relationship/Sexual Addictions...

 

http://www.sexaa.org/12ques.htm

[marxist]

Hello everyone, I am asking anyone to respond if they would like because I want to know what other people are think of what I am going to say.

 

I have a girlfriend and we have been going out for 3 weeks now. We have been friends since we were 14 years old and we are now 19. We were really close friends and she would tell me everything she did with her boyfriends. I know for a fact that every girl would not completely tell everything they did to a male friend but anyways she started to go out with a guy when she was 17 and pushed me away for the length of time they went out. we would talk occassionaly because we worked in the same place.

 

She cheated on him when she went to Cancun with a guy she met over there. Why? i don't know, she told me about couple of days ago that she did it to get back at him, but I don't believe her honestly. I am a virgin and I want to save myself for marriage ( I was raised with strict catholic beleifs that is why) I know she loved her boyfriend or "liked" him because she told me and obviously she changed in order to be with this guy.

 

They broke up in December. I never pictured my self ever dating her we are so opposite the only thing we have in common is that we like each other. The thing that is bothering me is her past sexual relationships. I would like to know the truth. I would have like to find a virgin that way her past wouldn't bither me because purity is important to me. I also feel she will cheat on me given the opportunity even though she says she will never do that to me because I am the only good thing that has happened to her in her life ( she says I am the ideal boyfriend to any girl and she is terrified that she will loose me to some girl who meets my standards). I have doubts of her faithfullness. Remember she has one of my best friends and she feels guilty for pushing me away when she promised she wouldn't What do you guys think give your truthfull opinions they would help honestly and thanks for reading this rather long passage.

[grassman392]

Marxist

 

DONT DO IT

[grassman392]

Cheaters,

 

I've been reading all of your messages, and there is a common theme among all of you. It sounds like you want us to feel sorry for you. Are you looking for someone to forgive you for what you do? You know what you do is wrong. Why should you be forgiven? You know what you do is pretty much unforgiveable, that's why you don't tell the person you cheat on. SELFISH and INCONSIDERATE. That's what you are. You need to tell that person if you haven

t already, about what you've done or are still doing. I don't care if you're scared. That person has a right to know and make the call for themselves if they want to be with you or not. You heard me, their right to know about it, outweighs you right to go fulfill your lusts. Sorry but i'm not gonna be nice about this, what you've done is crap, and you are dirt and if you feel like that, you should. You deserve it. If both partners are cheating, then stay with each other, you deserve one another. A faithful man or woman deserves someone who will be faithful to them. If you say you want to change and make the relationship right, you need to be honest, not from this point on, but about all the wrong you have done to that person in the past. You need to wash that dirt off of you by being honest. If it works out or not, either way it'll be the right thing cause it will finally have involved both people involved.

Oh, people who think it's wrong quit being so damn nice about it. I've seen people on here say they want to be told there wrong and feel terrible. Well the last thing they need then is for someone to be passive with them. Stick with you guns and we'll find out if they are full of it or not.

[naivestupidf*ck]

I'm an idiot. Cheated. Long distance, been seven months. No excuse. Love her. Thought there wouldn't be consequences. there are. Run pretty deep. You basically kill someone. Told her. She's gutted. Don't know what to do, except have some faith that this will heal. No control. Don't want her to hurt. Hope she dumps my sorry ass. So stupid. Glad I told her though. It's not guilt relieving at all, it's just control releasing. She has the right to know... I'd want to. It's up to her.... if she can believe that I fell from grace, maybe I can have some faith. Not very hopeful... don't deserve her now, really. She should move on. I hope she does. So many circumstances involved. Never felt so low. Deserve to.

[Fofinha]

Because we are human.

[asilisa]

So i've read all the post, and i'm wondering why I don't think cheaters are such bad people? I've personally

 

never cheated on a boyfriend but I've been cheated on. My mom cheated on my dad, my sister cheats on her

 

boyfriend. Well, my dad couldn't forgive my mom and I acted like it didn't happen. I mean I guess I see it as

 

wrong, but I don't hate them. I just believe everyone makes mistakes, and I have no right to judge those

 

people. I guess it is unforgivable when someone is seeing two people, an affair, or when they just continuely

 

keep cheating on their partner. But what if they just make the mistake once? I see it as just that, a mistake.

 

Maybe I'm to forgiving or understanding and I just set myself up for heartache, I don't know. Maybe there is

 

something wrong with me. All I know is that as of now I never cheated on anyone and I don't see myself doing

 

it, but I'm young (19) you never know what will happen.

[grassman392]

Hello again,

 

Just in case someone reads my last post and then reads asilisa's I'd like to say some more. I don't think cheaters are neccessarily bad people either. However, what they are doing is bad. If you are someone who sincerely is looking for a way to stop what you do, I suggest you look to God. God gave you the concsience that is telling you that what you are doing is wrong. Not only do you have to answer to the one who's heart you are breaking, but also to Him. Jesus Christ makes all things new. This is no joke. "If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved." Rom 10:9 Trust in Him completely, that he will change your life and mend your own heart, and He will not let you down. You will no longer need to go after your worldly desires that are leading you straight into hell. God does not wish that anyone should perish, but have everlasting life, but He can have nothing to do with our sins. That's why he sent his Son to die for us, as payment for all of sin. I don't wish for anyone to go to hell and spend and eternity in neverending torture either. I suggest you pick up a Bible and find out what God's Law is (the ten commandments) and decide for yourself if you will end up in heaven or hell.

I wasn't gonna come back to this site and find out if anyone had anything to say in response but I have a feeling that I might be able to lead some people to the Lord and eternal happiness. I know what its like to be at the lowest possible emotional low, I haven't been there on this particular issue, but in the end it's all the same. I only hope that God can touch some of your hearts, as well as mine, through this website. I'm sure there will be negative responses to this, but I invite those also, as well as those who want accept Jesus as Lord and Savior.

God Bless all of you

[jenny]

Originally posted by Fofinha

Because we are human.

 

that was very, very, very, cool.