GoldenWonder Posted July 22, 2003 Share Posted July 22, 2003 I thought this would be an interesting topic. Why do people cheat on the people they say they love? Link to post Share on other sites
Bill Posted July 22, 2003 Share Posted July 22, 2003 It is simple; they are liars. People that cheat do not love enough the person they claim to love. They do not care if they break someone's heart. Link to post Share on other sites
longlegzs80 Posted July 22, 2003 Share Posted July 22, 2003 Bill is correct. I find this question very hard to answer though. I know I would never cheat, just because I am not that kind of person. But I think if someone has a relationship and the one person cheats, then it might have to do with no chemistry, their sex lives are not active and one person might want it more then the other, or when the companion is not around for a period of time and the other needs comforting. There are tons of reasons. I don;t think any of them are good that give the person the right to even cheat. What makes someone want to cheat? That is beyond me. Link to post Share on other sites
AcId Posted July 23, 2003 Share Posted July 23, 2003 How very closed-minded of you all. People don't cheat because they are lying bastards. People cheat because they are human, and humans have are complex creatures. Don't under-estimate the power of lust. Some people just don't think - they don't think that their actions have dire consequences. I have never cheated on a girlfriend and hopefully never will. Saying people that cheat are liars and bad people is the same as saying people who are fat are disgusting people with no self-control. There are many variables to a person's actions. What i will say is, "serial-cheaters" are lying bastards and deserve everything they get. Alan. Link to post Share on other sites
jalexy Posted July 23, 2003 Share Posted July 23, 2003 Originally posted by AcId How very closed-minded of you all. People don't cheat because they are lying bastards. People cheat because they are human, and humans have are complex creatures. Don't under-estimate the power of lust. Some people just don't think - they don't think that their actions have dire consequences. I have never cheated on a girlfriend and hopefully never will. Saying people that cheat are liars and bad people is the same as saying people who are fat are disgusting people with no self-control. There are many variables to a person's actions. What i will say is, "serial-cheaters" are lying bastards and deserve everything they get. Alan. NIce one, but I am sorry, do not ever compare fat ppl to ppl who cheat. They are sooooo not even alike. Simply put, there is no excuse for cheating, ever. If you cheat, its the same thing as lying or intentionally hurting the person you are dating. I say intentional cause you KNOW you are doing it. You just dont give a da*mn at the time. You can stop it, but you dont. Even if you cheat once, at the heat of the moment, I still do not like the person who would do that. I dont succumb to this "its human nature" BS that you are givin us Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted July 23, 2003 Share Posted July 23, 2003 YOU WRITE: "Simply put, there is no excuse for cheating, ever." There are seldom any excuses for being fat either. The same self control required to keep from cheating is the self control required to eat the right foods in the right quantities and exercise. Both sex and food are basic human needs. Excesses of both aren't. Link to post Share on other sites
jalexy Posted July 23, 2003 Share Posted July 23, 2003 You are going away from my basic point. Being fat does not hurt or betray another person. Being fat you are hurting yourself, that is it. Cheating is quite different. Link to post Share on other sites
AcId Posted July 24, 2003 Share Posted July 24, 2003 All i'm saying is people make mistakes; it doesn't make them horrible people. Actions need to be view singularly, objectively and without bias or judgement. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted July 24, 2003 Share Posted July 24, 2003 And what Tony was saying is the absolute truth. We are, at base, animals. There is one part of our brain that governs sex, eating, and survival. It is one of the most basic needs and we persuade ourselves that we can govern these needs but sometimes they overwhelm us. When you are very young and inexperienced about life, it is easy to judge others. Once you have lived some years and found yourself in situations you swore you'd never be in, you realize that you are just as human as everybody else and therefore should not judge others. Actually, you should not judge others anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
jalexy Posted July 24, 2003 Share Posted July 24, 2003 actually, if you love the person you will think of them in any situation no matter how bad. Link to post Share on other sites
Gray Posted July 24, 2003 Share Posted July 24, 2003 Its interesting comparing cheating and overeating; the inability to say no to one's desires. I'd say cheating is more of a momentary loss of senses, while overeating is a complete breakdown into addiction. You like me, right Jalexy? I cheated on a girlfriend once. I don't know if that even counts since we weren't married, but we had told each other we were exclusive. I cheated because it was there. I thought I'd feel horrible about it afterwards, but it didn't change anything. I'd never do it again though, I don't want to be "that person". I want to be trustworthy in everyone's eyes. I guess it was a learning experieince for me. To be honest, I'm glad I did it then rather than getting married first and possibly cheating then. Ha, funny... ya know i was going to say that its not just the cheating person but the relationship. That if the relationship is strong, there wouldn't even be a temptation to cheat. But that doesn't work. A friend of mine is in a great relationship; they're so good together. But he cheats a lot. Link to post Share on other sites
Paul Posted July 25, 2003 Board of Directors Share Posted July 25, 2003 Originally posted by jalexy actually, if you love the person you will think of them in any situation no matter how bad. That's a little simplistic isn't it? I think what the other posters have said in this thread regarding the complexity of the dynamic involved is more on target. Link to post Share on other sites
yes Posted July 25, 2003 Share Posted July 25, 2003 the one thing i'll never understand about cheating is: -if your partner has sex with someone else, most people FLIP OUT -but if you partner is emotionally closer with someone else than with you, that's considered "oh, s/he has a close friend", and causes no trouble. what the hell?? To me, mental closeness is a lot more important. i'd be very upset if my partner was closer and more open with someone else than with me. Sex, on the other hand - well, especially if it's a one-night stand, it's just that - a physical act, like eating. And the main issue that'd bother me is STDs. As to why do people cheat, I'll tell you about the cheaters that I know: - some men just cannot control themselves. they see a woman and they go after her. doesn't mean they're not being good husbands at the same time. usually, this is men with above-avg sexual appetites. - some are very bad at breaking up, and they'll cheat so that they have something new to fall back on once they break up, and to have a reason to break up - some people are lacking something in their r/s, and they believe it's temporary, and try to fill the void with someone else meanwhile (cheating during trips, for e.g.) - hmmm that's all i can think of right now, but yes, cheating is not a simple issue! Cheating can make one realize how much they value their partner, for e.g. 2c, -yes Link to post Share on other sites
cheater2 Posted July 26, 2003 Share Posted July 26, 2003 I cheated on my boyfriend awhile back. We recently got married! There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about it and cry. At the time, we weren't living in the same city and I was trying to make new friends - so I started going out to bars again. Men would be hitting on me left, right, and center - and I started comparing all of these men to my boyfriend. My boyfriend is slightly overweight (he is the biggest man I have ever dated - he has gained weight since we started dating) and he has really rough skin - like some sort of skin rash or something. Anyway...there are other things...but those are the two I will share! So - I started comparing him to all these HOT hunks hitting on me and hey...next you know I asked him to stop seeing one another for a while (cause I needed to figure a few things out). He said he would do whatever I wanted if it would help salvage the relationship - but to please not cheat on him! To make a long story short - I flirted like crazy, had a blast, kissed a guy, went out on dates with this one guy 2 times and then one night at the bar the guy I had gone out with started flirting with other chicks and so I thought I would try to make him jeolous - so I started chatting with this other guy (who was pretty hot). next you know I got in this guy's car and we went out to eat and then he drove me home and then we lying in bed and then YEAH - that's right!! I didn't even want to...but for some reason I have this problem with saying "no"...like I led him on this far, if I say no now - it will just cause problems - so hopefully he will hurry up and get it over with! It was the worst sexual encounter I have had - he was so bad!!!! Needless to say, he left in the morning and that was the last I saw of him. And the great ending - after about a week or so...(my boyfriend kept calling me) I went up to see him and just cried and cried in his arms! I told him I cheated on him - BUT - only emotionally! I NEVER told him about the sleeping with another guy part. He once told me that if that were to ever happen to him - he would dump his girlfriend so fast...so there is no way I am ever telling him! Believe it or not - this whole ordeal really did make me realize that I love him and only him and there is not another man on this planet that will make me feel the way he does - in or out of bed - even if he is a little chubby and has rough skin! For me, (which I knwo is hard for some of you to believe)...it really did open my eyes to who I am and what I want out of a relationship! I WOULD NEVER do it again!!! I love him soooooo much! Which is why we got married!!! But believe me - I still think about it and totally hate myself for it! But I think I have hurt myself more than him and even I told him - it would be who suffered more in the long run...not him! Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted July 27, 2003 Share Posted July 27, 2003 And here we have classic examples of how a couple of people who likely always despised cheating and swore they would NEVER do it found themselves doing it. Even Saint Paul said (slightly paraphrased) "that which I would do, I do not and that which I would not do, I do." Once you realize that you are as susceptible to flaws as every other human on the planet, you take a big step toward maturity. To be 'holier-than-thou' is to be naive at best. However, most people come to wisdom through making their own errors and none of you who are sounding ever-so-moral will be persuaded until you fall off your high horses and land in the mud with the rest of the humans. Link to post Share on other sites
Bronzepen Posted August 5, 2003 Share Posted August 5, 2003 The question comes down to morality, values and dignity. Yes, we are human and we are not perfect. We all have been in some kind of situation where we are tempted to cheat but here is where the line is drawn. Do you cross it or not? If your a moral person and have values then you have a basic sense of what's right and wrong. I think it's safe to say, we all agree that cheating is wrong. There is nothing positive about it. I never heard anyone say "I cheat and I am proud of it!" or "yes I will marry you but your not the only one." and that is where the dignity part comes in. No one that cheats walks around all proud of their cheating accomplishments. No dignity in that. Plus, if people know your a cheater then your not trustworthy and lose all credibility. Pretty much it's like this. If your lying and cheating on the person you love. Do you think your going to treat your friends or family any better? Cheating is probably one of the most selfish acts that a person can do. Your not thinking about anyone but yourself. Why anyone would want to demean themselves and want no one to take them seriously is beyond me. Bottom line is, don't cheat, it's not worth it. Doesn't help, it only hurts. Don't cross the line. Link to post Share on other sites
MaggieMay Posted August 5, 2003 Share Posted August 5, 2003 You are right bronzepen. I was cheated on by my bf. Now I'm married to him as of last fall but at the time I married him, I didn't know anything was going on. We were so happy (so I thought). He claims it's not me or my fault, it's his fault but that doesn't ease the pain. There is no way in H**L that I would ever cheat on someone I love. The cheater ONLY thinks of himself/herself. They don't realize the immense pain they cause to the unsuspecting partner. I guess we are all brought up with different morals and values. As I told my husband, I guess now that you've cheated on me, that gives me the right to cheat on you! He didn't think that was funny and I know I would NEVER do it simply because I couldn't live with myself for doing it. He seemed to think the cheating wasn't so bad because we weren't married yet. Well...tell that to my heart. Now that we're married, I'm miserable because I don't trust him at all! I used to be very easygoing and genuinely happy in life, now I find I question everything he does, where he goes, who he talked to, etc. etc. I hate the person I've become but only because of him do I feel this way. Even in my first marriage when we were on rocky grounds, I didn't cheat simply because I couldn't imagine getting into "another" relationship when I was already in one. There is no excuse for cheating whatsoever. I feel if someone wants to date someone else, for whatever reason, you need to tell your partner/husband/wife and at least give them the opportunity to stay in the relationship or to bail out. It's not fair to hurt someone this way - believe me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author GoldenWonder Posted August 5, 2003 Author Share Posted August 5, 2003 I'm sorry to hear you were cheated on. I'm intrigued to know, but don't feel obligated to answer, why did you continue the relationship Maggie May? Link to post Share on other sites
MaggieMay Posted August 5, 2003 Share Posted August 5, 2003 Thanks for responding Goldenwonder....it means something to have someone out there listen. As to why....I question myself all the time. I really really loved this man. We met in apr 2000 (online) and started chatting which lead to the phone which then lead to meeting about 3-4 months down the road. We lived indifferent states (450 miles apart). We just seemed to hit it off and talked everyday on the phone or on computer. He started coming to my state simply because he could get away and had an ex to help every other weekend. We saw each other (at least every other weekend). My ex had passed away so couldn't get away as much. We just fell in love - I totally trusted him. I had no reason to think otherwise - he lead me to believe I was the only one and special. I was so selective after being divorced (divorced in 94) about getting involved and being hurt, that I just put all my trust in him. We seemed to have the same values, morals, etc. I bragged about him to friends and family. I was very faithful to him, so much so that after talking to him, and getting close, I didn't even think about seeing other men. He's been the only man in my life. I guess I am a little embarrassed because you would think that at my age (early 40's) I would have men figured out, and you would think I would be able to "read" into someone, but he totally surprised me. I would have bet my life that he was the type that was faithful. The problem is he seems genuinely remorseful - but is he acting?? He seems sorry but not sure if it's an act. That's the problem with cheating, now I really don't trust him and can't tell if he is sincere or not. This is the 3rd counselor I've been to because this totally messed up my life. I sunk into a depression, was on medication (but I couldn't see it helping) and had to quit seeing my counselor because of finances. I do go back to talk to my counselor next Monday and I'm keeping the date simply because I need help and someone to talk to. He claims he did this because he was scared to move to my homestate. Now tell me where one would use this excuse as a reason to cheat? I was very good to him in every way and really thought this is the guy I want to spend my life with. I owned a small house which was 1/5 the value of the house we bought together. I guess when I think about it, I'm not sure we could sell this house (rather expensive in my area) and I know I couldn't make the mortgage payments. I've told him to go home (meaning his homestate) if he doesn't like it here but only say that out of frustration and pain. He's cried and said he's sorry and wants to stay but I'm so unsure about all this - I don't know how someone builds back that trust. Trust has to be earned. Anyway, sorry to ramble on. maggie Link to post Share on other sites
Bronzepen Posted August 5, 2003 Share Posted August 5, 2003 I am very sorry Maggie. You have lost the very corner stone of any relationship.....trust. If you can't trust the one your with then you shouldn't be in that relationship BUT that's my 2 cents. I have heard that marriages can be saved through marriage counseling and some marriages come out stronger after the counseling. Sadly, judging from what you said he doesn't feel he did anything wrong. If he thinks he didn't do anything wrong then what's to stop him from doing it again? The main question is, can you ever trust him again and only you can answer that question. Link to post Share on other sites
MaggieMay Posted August 5, 2003 Share Posted August 5, 2003 Goldenwonder - He has said he feels sorry and realizes what he did is wrong. I just need him to help me with the pain. I found this out in Jan 2003 (just found emails from last year, which then lead to finding he's been on yahoo messenger and msn messenger, which then lead to finding he's actually met "a few" women and had sex. I say "a few" because that's how many have gotten back in touch with him (emailed). There may be more out there - I don't know. I pretty much got into his "secret" email account that I knew nothing about and found all this out. People may say I invaded his privacy, but when a red flag comes up, you act on it and that's what I did which lead to this discovery. He claims he hasn't talked to them since last summer (but last summer we were engaged and had been together close to 2 1/2 yrs). It seems from what the women say, that this is true as though they haven't spoken to him for over a year. I can't imagine someone cheating as a way to relieve having to move away from your homestate and your kids. This 2 + 2 adds up to 5! I'm heartbroken and really though the shock of the discovery of this has worn off - I'm now mad! I've let him know I'm the best thing that's come along for him and he knows it. Some of the women he "met" were being unfaithful to partners as well. So I told him if he gets together with them, be prepared for alot of heartache and "checking up" on them to see if they are cheating on him - because believe me they will. So just give me any advice, Goldenwonder, on this whole thing. I know it doesn't sound good - but advice from someone outside helps. Maggie Link to post Share on other sites
Author GoldenWonder Posted August 5, 2003 Author Share Posted August 5, 2003 I know how you are feeling, I think, Maggy May. My partner cheated on me recently. I cry myself to sleep a lot of nights and can barely sleep at all. I know I haven't even looked at anyone else and would never dream of it. It kills and however much they apologise and seem to mean it, you never feel they really truly understand. I know it would be so easy for me to tell you to leave him, but you have to weigh it all up. I believe some people are worth taking a chance on and taking risks for, but is it worth it when it interferes with your sanity and well-being? You deserve great things from a great someone, Maggy May. You are welcome to contact me on a pm, if you would like somebody to listen. Link to post Share on other sites
MaggieMay Posted August 5, 2003 Share Posted August 5, 2003 thanks bronzepen Link to post Share on other sites
MaggieMay Posted August 5, 2003 Share Posted August 5, 2003 Goldenwonder, So sorry this happened to you. It hurts so much. I think what hurts the most is the "man" I was in love with was never really a live person. The man I thought my husband was - was just a fantasy - he didn't exist. How stupid of me to put trust into a relationship again - I've kicked myself for this a thousand times. I told my husband if I'd have known he was doing this when we were dating, I would have dropped him like a hot potato. He's not my kind. It hurts to know I married a man I don't even know. I question now whether he will be there for me if I need him. He seems to bring up the fact that he moved away from his home and kids to be with me - which he did but I'm not sure as to why. I've asked him over and over why he married me if he wasn't sure. He keeps saying because he loves me. That's hard for me to believe. He doesn't get back on the computer so he thinks everything is fine because this is where he met all these women also. I informed him that there are also women in my state, so moving to my state doesn't mean he won't come in contact with women. He doesn't need a computer for that! Goldenwonder, just a question, did your partner cheat with someone found online or out in the real world? You can answer if you want. Maggie Link to post Share on other sites
Author GoldenWonder Posted August 5, 2003 Author Share Posted August 5, 2003 Real World. It was someone she had known for a few years and used to like. He is an arsehole and kept pestering her for sex, and so she gave in when she was drunk. Her reason is she thought I was going to leave her, so she thought rather than me leaving for any inadequacies in her character she would do something like that which would be my reason for leaving. Link to post Share on other sites
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