MaggieMay Posted August 5, 2003 Share Posted August 5, 2003 Goldenwonder, So sorry - I shouldn't have assumed you were female . I asked you about online or real world because there is a support group on msn for online infidelity. It sometimes helps to vent with others who are in your shoes. Sorry your partner "cheated". Sounds like your partner may be trying to justify her actions of cheating by putting the blame on you. My husband also claimed he thought I was cheating on him (NO I wasn't) and he claims that he thinks I'm attractive so why wouldn't I be cheating - stupid logic! I told him it has to do with my morals and values. He then came up with I never told him I loved him. I told him ALL THE TIME! He's just trying to justify his actions by bringing me down to his level. I told him he's not doing it - I would never stoop that low. I told him even if I was cheating (which I wasn't), then his morals would still be intact as far as cheating on me because he couldn't do it. That's how I feel - even though I told him I have "reason (excuse)" to go cheat on him now since he did it to me, I can't. My conscience and heart wouldn't let me do it no matter how much revenge I wanted to get back at him for. When I found all this out, I wanted to "hurt" him emotionally as much as I was hurting so he'd know what it feels like. The only thing I could think of was taking a sledgehammer to his brand new pickup (which he loves). But I knew the pain of this betrayal would go far above the pain he would feel at having a material possession destroyed. He does love his 2 children but there's nothing I could do there to hurt him. I would never hurt them to get at him. So I'm left with this pain that he will never know (at least from me). I'm not up on chatting "lingo" as far as pm (private messaging?). I really haven't chatted much at all (since 2000). I only chatted with a few of my husband's "girlfriends" when they thought I was him so don't know about all the updates out there. thanks for talking maggie Link to post Share on other sites
Author GoldenWonder Posted August 5, 2003 Author Share Posted August 5, 2003 I am female. Just please don't go down to his level, you are far more mature than that. If you would like to talk to someone, I am very welcome to the idea. I know how hard all this is and how nice it is to have kind words at such an awful time. Link to post Share on other sites
MaggieMay Posted August 5, 2003 Share Posted August 5, 2003 I am sorry Goldenwonder - I put my foot in my mouth all the time :) Sorry your partner put you in such pain. Even when my 1st marriage was falling apart and I knew it was ending - it didn't hurt as much as this. My only reasoning is because by the time my first marriage ended, we had fallen out of love and knew we were divorcing. This totally shocked me because I was so in love with him and we were just starting our future and lives together. Guess that's why it hurts so much. Thanks for your input and advice. I really don't get on the computer much at home - just sometimes at work when it's slow. I don't at home because I've got 2 teenage daughters who are either on the computer or on the phone (we have 1 phone line). My husband has accused me of being in chatrooms so I tend to not go there just because I don't need to. Maggie Link to post Share on other sites
Author GoldenWonder Posted August 5, 2003 Author Share Posted August 5, 2003 No worries. Did your kids know whats happened? Are you staying with him because you'll think he will change? Link to post Share on other sites
MaggieMay Posted August 5, 2003 Share Posted August 5, 2003 I guess I'm hoping I'll find the guy I thought he was. Does that sound stupid? When I found out about this, all I wanted to do was go back to a time before all this betrayal and deception. Funny thing is, there wasn't a time. In my mind - yes - but in reality - no. I think he has never been sure about me but he also didn't want to lose me. My kids don't know. At least, I've not told them. I don't want them to think badly of him because especially my son just adores him. The kids have to know something's wrong for mom to be crying alot and then when I was so depressed, I didn't feel like doing anything after work except going to bed. Just like it took everything out of me just to go to work. Also my family doesn't know, I have 2 sisters that I talk with but I just can't tell them about all this because then again I don't want them to think badly of him. Stupid of me isn't it to care what people think about him when he didn't care about me? I know I want to be my old self again - just not sure that I can be that person with him around. That's sad to say because I do love him but I also know life is too short to be so unhappy. Maggie Link to post Share on other sites
nickcline Posted August 10, 2003 Share Posted August 10, 2003 I'm 23, I just moved out of my parents house 3 months ago. This morning my father found my mother with another guy in a parking lot. I want to know what you have to say about people that cheat when kids are involves. (i have a 20 year old sister to0). This rocked my world, bad. the worst part about it is my dad knew about it for weeks and talked to my mother about it and asked her to stop(never telling anyone about it). She said she would stop but did not. Now my family is torn apart. Your actions not only effect you, but everyone around you. -Nick Link to post Share on other sites
Bronzepen Posted August 10, 2003 Share Posted August 10, 2003 I am very sorry nickcline. With no disrespect, your mother is very selfish. She is not thinking about anyone (her kids included) but herself. Whatever the situation is/was with her husband, it was no excuse to cheat. Now your mother has to bear the shame (if she even cares) of having an affair and her children and everyone else knowing about it. Since your mother refuses to stop seeing the loser she is with, her marriage is over and it's up to you whether you can ever look at her the same way again. It's not easy, having an image of a person you love very much and look up to, all of a sudden shattered. Link to post Share on other sites
her12021974 Posted September 16, 2003 Share Posted September 16, 2003 I was never a cheater. I never thought I would cheat. I've been with the same man for almost 6 years. Married for just over a year. Looking back, I thought marriage would fix our problems, or that they would get better. But they haven't. He cheated on me before we were married, he would never admit it but I had the solid proof. He's an alcoholic who has been in and out of trouble with the law. But that doesn't excuse my behavior. What happened? How did I become the cheater? It's hard to be with someone and feel so alone. It's hard to continually throw yourself at someone who seems to have no sexual interest in you, and when he does it's for his own benefit. It's hard to hear from the person that you love that he needs space, to leave him alone. It's hard to see someone you love destroy himself and everything around him because of addictions he can't conquer. And it's hard to hear that person call you horrible names you don't deserve, and say horrible things to you, things you wouldn't dream of saying to him. And one day you wake up and realize that you've made his actions possible, you've put yourself into the situation and you don't know how to get out. That's my life right now. He doesn't know that I'm cheating. But he knows that I'm thinking of leaving him. And so now he tries to make it up to me and all I can see are the bad times and all I can hear are the horrible words and names. And I wonder if he loves me or if it is really that he doesn't know how to live without me. I don't know what to do. A few months ago I ran into an old friend, I hadn't seen in 5 years. We always hung out in high school, and we've known each other since we were 12. (I'm 28 now) It was so great seeing him again. I was out of town working where he lives, and we went out to catch up. Had too much to drink and one thing led to another. I've spent 3 nights at his house so far. I'm not looking for a savior, I'm not looking to start a new relationship. I don't even know where I want my marriage to go. And I know that a real relationship with this guy would never work because he has the same addictions as my husband. But when I'm with him he makes me feel like I'm special, like there is nobody else in the world. And the bad things in my life melt away for one night. I know that what I'm doing is wrong. But the few occasions that I spend with this guy gives me some sanity. I feel awful about my whole life, I cry everyday. Anything that happens I know I brought it on myself. I'm not excusing my behavior, I just wanted to give another viewpoint to this topic. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted September 16, 2003 Share Posted September 16, 2003 I thought marriage would fix our problems As an aside, let this be a cautionary tale to everyone who thinks marrying will make everything wrong in a relationship right. It never happens. Link to post Share on other sites
mate_you_in_fifty Posted September 20, 2003 Share Posted September 20, 2003 Your situation sounds soooo similar to mine in many respects. Except that the genders are reversed and I'm not married to my girlfriend. And I'm much younger than you,not that it's any consolation for me. It hurts so bad. Link to post Share on other sites
ilmlbr Posted September 23, 2003 Share Posted September 23, 2003 I feel that its not even a matter of love, more of respect and morals. there have been times when i have not felt love for my husband and i never cheated, I feel they cheat out of selfishness. for whatever reason its selfish.kids or no kids, love or not. I don't think it matters. Link to post Share on other sites
Heidi2 Posted September 24, 2003 Share Posted September 24, 2003 even though someone might 'say' they love you, that does not mean that they initially 'mean' they love you.. People cheat, in my opinion for many of numerous reasons.. The #1 & 2 reasons I feel/fiew throughout everyday life, is either: 1. boredom, or 2. cuiousity. Sure, they are several others... But, it'll just take too much time to list them all.. + providing situations & examples, etc. of many incidences. Link to post Share on other sites
Heidi2 Posted September 24, 2003 Share Posted September 24, 2003 even though someone might 'say' they love you, that does not mean that they initially 'mean' they love you.. People cheat, in my opinion for many of numerous reasons.. The #1 & 2 reasons I feel/view throughout everyday life, is either: 1. boredom, or 2. cuiousity. Sure, they are several others... But, it'll just take too much time to list them all.. + providing situations & examples, etc. of many incidences. Link to post Share on other sites
Ziggs Posted September 28, 2003 Share Posted September 28, 2003 Being a recent victom of one's partner cheating I can't believe that anyone would suggest that it's animalistic insticts. We as humans have minds which allow us to choose the paths we take. One does not " fall " into cheating... one makes that choice. We all have the ability to say " no... this is wrong ". I would tend to believe anyone reduceing cheating as a natrual act of animalistic behavior is either 1. a male ( and very insensitive ) 2. dealing with guilt from one's own inmoral act of cheating. When one cheats one needs to realize the great amount of pain you place upon your partner's soul. ( assuming the cheating becomes known ) [color=red]My life was destroyed by my partners act of cheating[/color], I've lost everything, even the sense of who I am as a person. My dreams of growing old togeather, children, marriage... everything I ever shared with my partner was suddenly ripped away from me. My ideals of love is now distorted by the mass of pain I feel. I'm in constant dispair, racked with guilt, what if's, worthlessness, and self blame. Imagine the full spectrum of emotions dealing with hurts, thats what a victom of cheating will face. When you cheat, you are inacting an instance of abuse, and you are placeing your partner in a situation that may scar one for life. bah... I can't write on this anymore for the time being. Link to post Share on other sites
raine Posted October 1, 2003 Share Posted October 1, 2003 cheating is controllable. People get selfish and think about themselves and not their partner. You can't love someone if you repeatedly cheat on them. Cheatint once, maybe you love them, I have also heard the stories of how one time cheating has made people realize how much they loved their partner and ended up in marriage. However affairs or cheating more than once is not love. I don't care how good of a wife or husband you think you might be, you are not because of the pain you cause to your partner or could cause if they found out. You may care about them but you care about yourself more. Link to post Share on other sites
tee Posted October 1, 2003 Share Posted October 1, 2003 Do people really love you that cheat? , Thats my question. Ive been in a 15yr. relationship with my wife of 8yrs and she has cheated twice since we were married. She claims to love me and doesnt want to lose me but still cares for guy she messed around with. She tells me that the feelings are different now and knew that there was no chance to have a relationship with this guy. They started out as friends or more over it started out as away for her to escape and cover for her female friend that was cheating on her husband. She stopped comming home regularly and would not give me sex , spent time with him talking with him for hours and slept in cars to give up time with her kids to be with this friend as she calls him. Is he just a friend with these actions? I think theres more to it than that. She told me she would have had sex with him more if he had pushed the issue. Does that sound like friends to you? While all this was going on I was trying to keep us together but she would rather sleep in the streets and hotels with this guy who sells drugs. Now hes in jail and she writes to him just as friends but I found a letter by accident and she about tore my arm off to get it back. this is before she had told me about the affair. She told me she had a friend that was taking care of her and denied that she was sleeping with anybody which of course was a lie. I made mistakes but I didnt ever lie about it ,and this was all before marriage. She thinks I put unfair demands on her where he put none. I think hes just getting the best of her and doesnt have to deal with her mood swings and emoitional outbreaks stemming from childhood trauma.Shes giving him money and time but continues to call this guy a friend even after he told her that he used her.So why does she still feel like theres some kind of connection. He only calls her when he needs something, is this health? What should I do for me and my three kids. Link to post Share on other sites
mommy4 Posted October 1, 2003 Share Posted October 1, 2003 Well, I have been married for almost 5 years and my husband cheating once. I am always going back home for periods of time since he deploys alot. So, he was lonely. That's what he said anyway. I found out when I was looking for notebook paper and found some very not so nice pictures. Then the same day the girl left a message on the cell phone. Made it bad was that the girl knew he was married, she said it out of her own mouth. She tried to claim she was pregnant, so he would leave me for her. Plan blew up in her face!!! If you are claiming 7 months pregnant, you can't have a abortion. I was thinking about leaving but he has changed totally. I went down to Jag( military tearm for lawyer office) got all the information I needed. Once he knew that he started telling me where he's at, giving me the cell phone, calling before he leaves work, etc. I got access to his e-mail accounts, etc. So, to all keep all the dirt the other due for court reasons in the future. So, in court things will look better on your behalf, exspecially if you have kids. Link to post Share on other sites
erog68 Posted October 10, 2003 Share Posted October 10, 2003 well, I can see why people would cheat. Not that I agree with it, it is wrong. But to me, if someone is cheating it means something is lacking in their relationship. Grant it there are those who are just are cold, uncaring bastards but for most its a way of filling a void. erog68 Link to post Share on other sites
Goatsbreath Posted October 11, 2003 Share Posted October 11, 2003 What gets me is why people don't try to fix the void or at least bring it up before the cheating occurs. Its always afterwards. Well, that is my experience anyway. All that stuff about animal instincts and what not is a bunch of bull. See, people are aware of thier choices. The act of cheating is not a random spare of the moment thing. It happens in stages. The cheater first acknowledges the oppurtunity. They open themselves up to it. Someone who is faithful might acknowledge this oppurtunity as well but they decide it might not be a good idea to go have that friendly drink with thier attractive co-worker. Nothing just happens! Link to post Share on other sites
maddog5268 Posted January 23, 2004 Share Posted January 23, 2004 My boyfriend of 5 years just cheated on me and I am having a real rough time right now. I went out with several different men and they just don't seem to fill that void. The cheating just blind sighted me. To me, it happened out of nowhere. I feel as though I have so much more to offer this man than the girl he had cheated on me with. I hit the bottle pretty hard. It is still very hard to cope with right now. The drinking hasn't helped much. I keep telling myself that God has given me to him on a silver platter and if he is too dense to realize that then he never deserved me in the first place. Then I think about all of the good times that we had and it makes it that much harder. Just a couple days before he cheated on me I remember that he still chased me around the house and we wrestled around like we were still kids. This is just all so confusing for me to understand. I have never cheated on anyone before. I wouldn't even wish it on my worst enemy. What should I do? I still feel like I want him back but I know in my heart it is too late. Sooooooooooo depressed. I just don't understand how he can go from a 5 year relationship straight into another relationship with another women. Can somebody please explain it to me? Where is the logic? Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted January 23, 2004 Share Posted January 23, 2004 Bump. Now here's a discussion about cheating which, thankfully, did not involve factions and infighting and provided very interesting perspectives from all sides. Link to post Share on other sites
Bronzepen Posted January 23, 2004 Share Posted January 23, 2004 I agree. Very good thread. Link to post Share on other sites
Nebula Posted January 24, 2004 Share Posted January 24, 2004 My two cents... If you're with someone in an exclusive relationship, you have a commitment to them, you have responsibilities, it's something that's agreed with through implication. Of course people have urges, but like some have said you are always in control of whether you want to cross that line or not. Your conscious mind is still at work, and I would think that it'd only be natural for an alarm to go off in the back of your head reminding you that you're with someone and it's just not the right thing to do. People do get selfish, because in that moment they're forgetting the damage they're about to cause to the relationship, whether the other party finds out or not. How would THEY feel if they knew that their partner cheating on them? I bet they'd realize it'd hurt like hell. So why would they do it to them? Do you really want to break their hearts out of curiousity? Temporary lust? All of these thoughts only take a second to happen, it's not really that complex that just because you're horny you suddenly forget you're comitted to someone. I know this is stupid and most people wouldn't do it, because it's not the way it works IRL, but if they know they''re going to cheat, they should squeeze in the time to call their partner and break up with them. Maybe not call and say, "hey I'm going to have sex with someone else so we better break up", because you can't throw a bombshell like that on someone, but at least if you're prepared to pur your relationship at risk so much, then you might as well set them free and not just expect forgiveness after betraying their trust. I know it sounds silly, but hey if you love them so much you'll respect them enough to not inflict such damage and be straight with them even before you do it. Or even better, because this does sound so silly, then why just not cheat and avoid the whole situation overall. I actually had this deal with my ex, if you're going to cheat let me know. I never cheated so I never had to, I hope he didn't either. I did have chances, but I could not conceive of hurting him so much. I know I couldn't have lived with myself either going through with something that I already KNEW it was wrong and went with it anyway. And there's a big difference between hurting yourself (like with the fat thing), and hurting someone else. If you want to hurt yourself you don't have anyone to answer to, your life your body. It's not fair to mess with someone else's who does have expectations with you. I agree that you can love someone and make the mistake of cheating... I know I couldn't but everyone is different so I'll leave that window open, but you do have to question how much love there is if you consciously decided to hurt your partner that way knowing the consequences. If I'd learned I was cheated on, I'd lose all trust and never trust again, I know myself that well. I know it's mean not to give second chances to people, it's not about judging them, but at least for me it does come down to some level of insecurity that any similar circumstances as the ones that took place when I was cheated on, I'd get too suspicious and it would only cause trouble, even if he was innocent. That fear, that wound that never quite heals. Without trust you can't have a good relationship, it's not worth trying if you know you can't get it back. That's from my POV anyway. M. Link to post Share on other sites
Angel Posted January 26, 2004 Share Posted January 26, 2004 People cheat because they are selfish and inconsiderate. Link to post Share on other sites
martha74 Posted January 26, 2004 Share Posted January 26, 2004 Hmn. Interesting topic! I'm in the middle of this debate with my head and heart. I live with a boyfriend - like him, love him, respect him. I have never cheated on him or anyone else. In the past, when I have started to feel unsatisfied or unsettled, I have ended the relationships and started dating others. I firmly believe on a no - cheating policy. However, this is the first time that I have been in a situation where I have 'considered' cheating - and here is why. We have a wonderful time and nice relationship, and are on the way to marriage. But, we lack lust. And have for sometime. I go out and am approached by many men ( I work in a field filled with men!) of whom I have on occassion, felt lust for. (One time inparticular). It's not right - but the feelings are hard to ignore. And here I am, getting ready to commit to a man with whom I lack lust?! (Yes - we have chatted about it, but if it's not there - conversation isn't very useful on an instinctual level) The question becomes, do you end a relationship where marriage and children is inevitable to just check out those feelings? You take the risk of losing the man you love because you "thought" you wanted more, and then realize all you really do want is him? Or, do you give yourself some slack, hang out with one of these fellows (and no, I don't mean sleep with) and see how you feel - and then make a decision? I'm not condoning cheating. I'm not cheating - but boy, I can understand why it's done. You live once - it shouldn't be with regrets. But which regret will the most difficult to live with? Link to post Share on other sites
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