Deeply Torn: Cheating, Forgiveness, Moving On...

[jedarapa22]

Greetings to those afflicted by this ineffable and mostly effed condition called love-

 

This is my first post here. It might be pretty long; it’s a vent as much as anything else. I’ll try to make it bearable to read at least and would absolutely love some outside perspective on my situation…if you actually read through all of this…I owe you one!

 

I have dating this girl for three years, give or take several months for breaks and whatnot. There is a long history to our relationship and I may or may not divulge it all depending on it’s relevance as I lay out this fustercluck. This is the first girl I ever seriously dated, though you could count a few others if you take away ‘serious’. She was the first girl I had sex with and the first girl I truly fell in love with. She knows me better than anyone else in the world and I her. We share a ton of common values and are at really similar places in our lives and by and large we really relate to each other. However, our relationship is marked by rockiness, often extreme, and we’re “on break” right now but things aren’t looking up. This is mainly due to the fact that she has cheated on me twice, but almost exclusively because of the second time.

 

The first time led to a NC break for about four months, during which time I went through some drastic changes as an individual which were precipitated through psychedelics (important for later) – I became much more compassionate and forgiving than I ever had been before and found it in me to bury her past (at that point) indiscretions and love her (among others who I’ve had strained relationships with) unconditionally. So I sent her a long letter one day, saying that I had forgiven her, and was open to communicating with her. I never mentioned that I wanted to get back with her…because honestly, I didn’t. I valued her as a friend and wanted to at least be open to having some influence in each other’s lives. So we started talking. Eventually I visited her. We made love, but there was no commitments attached to it.

 

The Plot Thickens

 

When I returned from visiting her, back to my house, something was wrong with my apartment. I didn’t know what at first, but it quickly came to light. I had been going to school and recently decided to take a break. I had also come out of the proverbial closet to my family about my use of psychedelic drugs. Now I realize the audience here probably has about the normal understanding of these – which is typically abysmal. They’re like a medicine or tool for spiritual insight to me and I certainly don’t see them as something to use compulsively to feel good or escape reality. They’ve enriched my life in countless ways and I hadn’t ever experienced anything negative concerning their use until that day I came home.

 

To say the least, my family had the typical, abysmal understanding of psychedelics and thought that because I had/was/might be using “drugs ” that I needed imminent help. Long story short, I refused their “help” and they had me arrested. They led the cops through my apartment – which they’d cosigned on – when I was visiting my girlfriend and others. I ended up with a year and half or probation and was confined to the state of my residence, which thwarted my free-spirited plan to go traveling and live free of obligations, such as school, which is why I stopped going. Anyway, so I was pretty peeved at my family, who sort of came to realize that they’d taken things WAY too far and offered to help me out of my legal debacle and help me settle in to my 1.5 year commitment to the state. I didn’t know what to do really. I kind of drifted around the state couch surfing – mainly at my ex-ex girlfriend’s place - while my court case pended. I kind of crash landed there. I got my own place and got some work, established a routine, and tried to make the best of things when my probation began. Our relationship resumed, which as I mentioned wasn’t my original intention. It sort of happened, and because of this, I admittingly wasn’t fully invested in it. The months ticked by, things had their ups and downs, nothing unusual. And then one night out of the blue my girlfriend cheated on me.

 

I couldn’t believe it at first. We spent practically every free moment together and were pretty close. Admittingly, things weren’t exactly great at the time. I was stressed out and pissed off at life, because I had to do mandatory drug treatment which was ****ing ridiculous and one of my jobs SUCKED the life out of me. I was depressed; I resented my family for the position they’d landed me in, I didn’t like where I was at, I was powerless over my situation, and a lot of other whiney BS. Basically my girlfriend had become kind of a pillar of support for me. But there was a sort of rift between us. We’d been talking extensively about moving in together but my enthusiasm was half hearted. I honestly didn’t know if I wanted to pursue a more committed relationship with her at that point. Plus, she – a year my senior – had recently turn of age to consume alcohol and had been going out a lot, which because of my age and legal status I couldn’t do. I never worried about it too much, but I didn’t like it. Even though she had sort of ‘cheated’ on me before I’d been able to let it go. I thought we’d both changed a lot. I had.

 

Now, she told me very soon after this happened. Not immediately, but within less than a day. She was really torn up, or at least looked it. I got kind of angry at first, but I tried to be calm and compassionate since I’d discovered what a great way to be that is. I told her it wasn’t a big deal. As mentioned things were rocky at the time and I figured that must have played into it, and that maybe this event could even trigger a much needed reevaluation of our relationship. She had a lot to drink (though she didn’t justify her actions with this), and…this is where I draw the blank. I just don’t understand why she cheated on me. She is so deeply in love with me, that when we ever talk about breaking up it’s like the world is going to collapse on her; it seems like something she’d never be able to recover from. I mean that honestly, I’m not trying to play myself off as Superman, I’m damn sure not, but this girl is literally crazy about me.

 

We’ve talked about it extensively. I’ve learned a lot about her through talking about this. She has this thing for attention and external validation, and some guys can really push her buttons in the right circumstances – namely severely intoxicated ones. She becomes another person when she drinks a lot; a person who is, in her words, completely out of contact with her usual self, her morals, her sense of consequence, etc – all that goes out the window. But no matter how much we talk about it, it doesn’t take away that pain that developed in me, and that I blame her for. It was a mistake to tell her it wasn’t a big deal, because as time went on and I thought about it more, the whole episode really tore the rug out from under me. I began to dwell on it constantly. It ate me up. Digested my soul. I grew distant and angry and resentful and jealous and all that other wonderous baggage that comes with cheating. I have this bad way of keeping things inside me, where they heat up, and boil, and get to the point where I can’t take it anymore and have to make a scene, which results in us talking, finding some reconciliation, and getting by alright – even rather well at times - for awhile. But it never goes away. Even when I’m happy I’m just one wrong step from falling into that vortex of negativity that I’ve come to associate with that incident. It’s a nasty, nasty cycle. I can’t take it anymore, it’s been hampering my life outside of our relationship drastically, and decided to hit the brakes on our relationship for awhile. It’s not looking like it’s going to work out.

 

I know the adage “once a cheater, always a cheater”. I don’t really believe it either. Honestly, if my g/f wanted to have sex with someone else, it would be fine as long as she told me before hand. I might not like it but I would let her do what she wants provided she shows respect for me first. I really don’t think she would do it again either…this whole debacle has really forced a lot of introspection on her part and I really can’t imagine her knowingly putting herself in a position where she was vulnerable to act out like that again. I trust her but I just feel so hurt still…and it’s almost been a year .

 

The thing is though, I really am throwing away a relationship with fantastic potential. The way we connect is unprecedented, and I know that I will never find what we have with anyone else – because the circumstances to get ‘here’ will just never exist again (nor would I want them to). I don’t believe in the whole ‘one true love’ thing – I know I could have great relationships with other people, but I’m really torn here. Even as I type this, I imagine her in that intoxicated place, basically ****ting on everything we hold intimate. It kills me to think about. It makes me want to just get away from her. But in five minutes I’ll think about what I’m going to lose and I’ll see that it’s probably worth it to work through, and then after some more negative thinking I’ll change my mind again. I’m all over the place. I’m so lost! How does someone like me, who holds people to a really high standard to personal responsibility, move past things like this? Why do I vilify her and not consistently see the whole picture and how I played into it? How do I deal with the pain and move past it? Or am I just completely fahked?

 

We’re planning on talking to a counselor soon, but I would really appreciate any input here. If you actually read all of this, you’re totally awesome in my book, and I really appreciate it.

[Darkflower]

You're a good writer, so it wasn't painful. It was a challenge, however, to keep all the twists and turns in mind and their place in the big picture, and to determine their relevance to your question. That's appropriate, it sounds like, because that's exactly how you seem to feel about the situation.

 

I'm not downplaying the details, because in the details they say you can find both God and Satan, but I found that the best way to try to give some useful advice is to strip most of those details away and give a general impression.

 

First, I don't think it's healthy for anyone to be so desperately attached to another person that it literally threatens their mental stability to be without them. On the other hand, though I don't doubt that you're a great guy, or that the two of you have a special bond, I don't think the desperation in this girl is necessarily about YOU. I think her state of mind surrounding your relationship is as much about what's missing or broken in her as it is about what the two of you have shared. She sounds like a generally needy girl, like a child who doesn't consistently play with every toy she has, but nevertheless has a tantrum at the prospect of having to give away even the most-neglected one.

 

In the same vein, I don't think you can be the one to do or say or feel anything that will fix that for her. I think the things she needs can only be pursued and found and solidified on an individual basis. It sounds like she at least knows some of the reasons she has problems with monogamy, but I don't know how much real, deep-down work she's done to fix the problem, or even if she really wants to, on a deep level. Crying about it does not equate to working on it, or wanting to. Since it's obvious that her real problem in that situation may not even be about sex, it seems that she might want to pursue some individual counselling to find and remedy the real roots of the problem. I think it's best for her to do this kind of work when she's not in a committed relationship. One, it takes her away from resposibility for behaving in a way she doesn't have the skills to behave (monogamous), and it keeps her from learning to be content alone, or to make decisions or feel feelings without the context-changing relationship.

 

It sounds, also, like you could learn some self-control yourself. I know that control sounds like an anathema to free-spiritedness, but free-spiritedness and compassion are not always in simpatico either. Boundaries do not have to be a cage. They're healthy and appropriate. You seem clear about how she feels, or thinks she feels, about you, but I don't get a clear sense of how YOU feel about HER. This ambivalence on your part makes it even more important for you to back away from the romantic aspects of the situation. I think you would do her the best deed if you could figure out how to be a friend with boundaries, not benefits.

 

My answer might have been just as convoluted as your question, so feel free to ask for clarification, or to clarify the things that you feel I might have missed or gotten wrong.

[Javelin]

Few things stood out,

 

I just don’t understand why she cheated on me.

 

Why is this not obvious to you? I believe you said it yourself already...

" If my g/f wanted to have sex with someone else, it would be fine as long as she told me before hand. I might not like it but I would let her do what she wants provided she shows respect for me first. "

 

Your girlfriend knows that if she cheats on you, nothing severe will happen. I mean, she has managed to cheat twice and you're technically still with her. All you've done so far is rationalized everything into essay format and accepted it. When in reality, you're being played a fool.

 

The thing is though, I really am throwing away a relationship with fantastic potential. The way we connect is unprecedented, and I know that I will never find what we have with anyone else – because the circumstances to get ‘here’ will just never exist again (nor would I want them to). I don’t believe in the whole ‘one true love’ thing – I know I could have great relationships with other people, but I’m really torn here.

 

You don't know what true potential is, if this is your first, 'serious' relationship. Might I ask, how did you come to the conclusion that your relationship with her had any potential what-so-ever after she cheated a second time? I don't see where your logic lies, but you're smarter than that man. There is no future with this chick and you need to realize that or she may do some serious damage to you.

 

Another thing you need to stop doing is making her out to be this wonderful person, because she is not. For example,

 

" She has this thing for attention and external validation, and some guys can really push her buttons in the right circumstances – namely severely intoxicated ones. She becomes another person when she drinks a lot; a person who is, in her words, completely out of contact with her usual self, her morals, her sense of consequence, etc – all that goes out the window. "

 

This girl goes out and parties, knowing that she is 100% more vulnerable while under the influence of alcohol. Has already proven this by cheating, does not deny it or use it as and excuse and you're still with her? Man, you're setting yourself up for failure.

 

Get out while you can, that's all I have left to say.

 

P.S. - You owe me.

[jedarapa22]

Darkflower, thank you for your insights.

 

First, I don't think it's healthy for anyone to be so desperately attached to another person that it literally threatens their mental stability to be without them. On the other hand, though I don't doubt that you're a great guy, or that the two of you have a special bond, I don't think the desperation in this girl is necessarily about YOU. I think her state of mind surrounding your relationship is as much about what's missing or broken in her as it is about what the two of you have shared. She sounds like a generally needy girl, like a child who doesn't consistently play with every toy she has, but nevertheless has a tantrum at the prospect of having to give away even the most-neglected one.

 

In the same vein, I don't think you can be the one to do or say or feel anything that will fix that for her. I think the things she needs can only be pursued and found and solidified on an individual basis. It sounds like she at least knows some of the reasons she has problems with monogamy, but I don't know how much real, deep-down work she's done to fix the problem, or even if she really wants to, on a deep level. Crying about it does not equate to working on it, or wanting to. Since it's obvious that her real problem in that situation may not even be about sex, it seems that she might want to pursue some individual counselling to find and remedy the real roots of the problem. I think it's best for her to do this kind of work when she's not in a committed relationship. One, it takes her away from resposibility for behaving in a way she doesn't have the skills to behave (monogamous), and it keeps her from learning to be content alone, or to make decisions or feel feelings without the context-changing relationship.

 

Your assessment here is pretty much spot on. She is overwhelmingly needy at times, and because - by continually sacrificing my greater well-being to meet her expansive needs - she's become really attached to 'me' or at least my presence or what I do for her. I know exactly what it takes to make her feel like the best person in the world, but if I don't keep up such an approach to her, things start to go downhill fast. She always needs this reaffirmation that she looks good, that I love her, that things will work out, etc.

 

She admits that she doesn't like being alone because it often drifts into uncomfortable reflection. Also, her typical way of dealing with issues like this is to sequester them deep into her conscious where she doesn't have to face them, and/or to distract herself until they 'go away'. I know this behavior is a red flag, and I have expressed to her that she needs to really confront her deeper issues if she's going to make any headway with them, and that unless she does the same patterns of her behavior will likely continue. She's been planning to go see a counsoler but only talks about doing so when we get to the brink of breaking up and then doesn't follow through with it when things settle down and 'seem' peachy.

 

And that's the thing...when you strip away the appearance or the first few 'layers' of our relationship, it certainly doesn't 'seem' peachy anymore. I feel like I have to ignore an incessant, deep-seated discontent on my part to play the role that I do in our relationship; naturally this can only last so long before the beast comes knocking at the gate to remind me of all the twisted complexities and ugly truths about our relationship, and things fall apart.

 

It sounds, also, like you could learn some self-control yourself. I know that control sounds like an anathema to free-spiritedness, but free-spiritedness and compassion are not always in simpatico either. Boundaries do not have to be a cage. They're healthy and appropriate. You seem clear about how she feels, or thinks she feels, about you, but I don't get a clear sense of how YOU feel about HER. This ambivalence on your part makes it even more important for you to back away from the romantic aspects of the situation. I think you would do her the best deed if you could figure out how to be a friend with boundaries, not benefits.

 

My answer might have been just as convoluted as your question, so feel free to ask for clarification, or to clarify the things that you feel I might have missed or gotten wrong.

I'm having trouble understanding this last part fully. Do, by boundaries, you mean establishing a line of what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior and then viewing the same in terms of black and white as to which side of the line it occurs on? If so I agree, and since she cheated on me, I have established boundaries, and made clear that if it were to happen again I would be out of the picture immediately. Retrospectively, I wish we had had some such boundaries when she did cheat on me, because I was rather lost as to how to proceed then because there were none. And I'm always second guessing myself about my choice to carry on. However, that was the nature of our relationship at the time, which had just sort of happened as I mentioned, and began to pick up inertia without both of us being on the same page in terms of where our relationship was going or what we wanted out of it. It became neglected, and when she cheated, I kind of understood that maybe it was because of the neglect and that by reevaluating where we stood and what we wanted, things could work out. Obviously, they haven't.

 

As to how I feel about her. It varies quite a bit; I don't feel at all grounded in regards to my feelings for her, which is the main problem. When I'm away from her, I at some point begin to dwell on her lesser bits and it can spiral into demonizing her. And then when I see her I can't help but feel that I my perception of her became really distorted, because she is so happy to be with me and I come to really appreciate her presence in my life. I know the picture I've painted makes everything seem awful, but that's certainly not the extent of our relationship. It can be wonderful at times, good enough that I I can see past all the pain and and negativity to what makes the relationship worthwhile and feel like it's within my capacity to transcend. But I just can't maintain that. Inevitably I swing around to The Dark Side again. It's an insane roller coaster. I seem unable to pick a side and be content with it...like no matter which side of the fence I'm on the 'grass always seem greener' on the other side. This is where I'm so lost.

 

And also exactly where I was the first time she cheated on me the first time. Though I suspected it since it happened, largely because she confronted me about it by lying and saying all sorts of rumors were going around about her an another guy that "weren't true" when I could tell that something was off. I didn't press her on it for about 9 months. Yeah, really stupid I know. But we weren't really dating then either. No established boundaries - it was basically a summer fling, I was heading off to school really soon, and we didn't have any plans to continue, so I didn't care. In that context, whatever happened wasn't a big deal as far as I was concerned. Then she came and visited me and professed her love to me. I wasn't nearly as gung ho because that cheating issue was now in a different context. But I rationalised it somehow and pretended like it didn't matter. But deep down it did, and over several months it grew into something to contend with. I questioned her, she admitted that she lied, and I was pissed, but not enough to give her another shot. After all, she had been faithful ever since we 'officially' started dating. Plus, that episode of cheating was much more innocent in that it was only kissing. However, I couldn't shake it and we eventually split for about 4 months, during which time I was able to let it go, and then we drifted back together, and the same sort of **** happened again...

 

It probably doesn't look good that I continue/d to date her, but she really has put a lot of effort into changing herself and compared to when I first met her, she is practically a different person. She is much more honest with with herself and me. She has grown a lot as a person and I love the person she has grown into. There really are tangible differences. Over the last year or so she has been completely faithful and committed to me and I really don't think that any of her old tendencies are going to strike again, especially if she does seek counsoling and continue to work at it. She knows she has a problem with alcohol and avoids putting herself in situations that will allow for that. She knows she has issues and...for HER sake...not necessarily mine or our relationship's, she wants to work through them. To me that signifies that there are non-deluded hopes that our relationship could work out. People don't change easily but she truly has.

 

We've both put so much work into our relationship, and fully realize and accept there is no shortage that remains. However, I'm having a really hard time letting the past die. Part of me - the part that's absorbed in pain - wants to demonize her and run far away. Another part - my brighter, transcendent side - wants to stick it out. It's so easy for me to get wrapped up in my pain and resentment and want to push away, but beyond the pain I do love her. However I look at it though, this relationship is sucking the life out of me, and that's what I can no longer accept. I just don't know what to do - do I try to transcend the pain? I have before. Or do I cut and run? It seems so complex! Or isn't it? This is where I'm looking for outside perspective.

 

I think you're certainly right; that we need to step away from our relations for awhile and let time work things out and establish clarity. Sorry for rambling so much.

[jedarapa22]

Few things stood out,

 

Why is this not obvious to you? I believe you said it yourself already...

" If my g/f wanted to have sex with someone else, it would be fine as long as she told me before hand. I might not like it but I would let her do what she wants provided she shows respect for me first. "

 

Your girlfriend knows that if she cheats on you, nothing severe will happen. I mean, she has managed to cheat twice and you're technically still with her. All you've done so far is rationalized everything into essay format and accepted it. When in reality, you're being played a fool.

 

I often consider this. But I really don't think her cheating has much to do with me or some repressed urge of hers to be promiscuous. In day to day life she never acts this way - which is why I was surprised - and we are very open in terms of communicating about the things we want, even if it's to have sex with other people. She would tell me if that's what she wanted. She becomes someone else when she drinks heavily (which she rarely if ever does anymore I might add). This stuff has only occurred with lots of prodigious alcohol involved and boundaries that have been sketchy at best. Still, it hardly makes it less damaging or easier to reconcile.

 

You don't know what true potential is, if this is your first, 'serious' relationship. Might I ask, how did you come to the conclusion that your relationship with her had any potential what-so-ever after she cheated a second time? I don't see where your logic lies, but you're smarter than that man. There is no future with this chick and you need to realize that or she may do some serious damage to you.

 

Another thing you need to stop doing is making her out to be this wonderful person, because she is not. For example,

 

" She has this thing for attention and external validation, and some guys can really push her buttons in the right circumstances – namely severely intoxicated ones. She becomes another person when she drinks a lot; a person who is, in her words, completely out of contact with her usual self, her morals, her sense of consequence, etc – all that goes out the window. "

 

This girl goes out and parties, knowing that she is 100% more vulnerable while under the influence of alcohol. Has already proven this by cheating, does not deny it or use it as and excuse and you're still with her? Man, you're setting yourself up for failure.

 

Get out while you can, that's all I have left to say.

 

P.S. - You owe me.

She doesn't excuse it but she has come to see these patterns in herself and knows that they are destructive to herself and those around her, and for her own sake wants to get away from such tendencies. And she has made progress. Honestly you have some valid points and I will consider them. I often think that anyone else wouldn't have stuck around this long or put up with so much strife.

[MrsHellnoFire]

you're too attached to this woman, maybe because she was your first love. but the reality is that she treats you like crap and you allow it. no good can come of this than constant emotional distress for YOU.

[twice_shy]

However, our relationship is marked by rockiness, often extreme, and we’re “on break” right now but things aren’t looking up. This is mainly due to the fact that she has cheated on me twice, but almost exclusively because of the second time.

 

This is the part where I say, say no more. Ditch the pig.

 

But as I read on, I realize there is more....continue.

 

 

The months ticked by, things had their ups and downs, nothing unusual. And then one night out of the blue my girlfriend cheated on me.

 

 

Now, she told me very soon after this happened. Not immediately, but within less than a day. She was really torn up, or at least looked it.

 

Must not be too torn up about it. She cheated on you twice

 

I got kind of angry at first, but I tried to be calm and compassionate since I’d discovered what a great way to be that is. I told her it wasn’t a big deal.

 

You just validated her cheating and any future cheating episodes that she WILL have.

 

 

As mentioned things were rocky at the time and I figured that must have played into it, and that maybe this event could even trigger a much needed reevaluation of our relationship. She had a lot to drink

 

Thats not an excuse.

 

 

(though she didn’t justify her actions with this), and…this is where I draw the blank. I just don’t understand why she cheated on me.

 

Because she is a selfish pig.

 

 

She is so deeply in love with me, that when we ever talk about breaking up it’s like the world is going to collapse on her;

 

And thats the last thing running through her mind when she is boning another guy.

 

 

it seems like something she’d never be able to recover from. I mean that honestly, I’m not trying to play myself off as Superman, I’m damn sure not, but this girl is literally crazy about me.

 

No, she's not. If she were, she wouldn't be a cheater. She may like the idea of security she has with you as far as knowing you will be there for her. So as long as she thinks she can cheat, get away with it, and you'll be there with open arms, you'll continue to let her do this to you.

 

 

I know the adage “once a cheater, always a cheater”. I don’t really believe it either.

 

Well your girlfriend seems to live it.

 

 

Honestly, if my g/f wanted to have sex with someone else, it would be fine as long as she told me before hand.

 

What the hell difference does it make whether she tells you before hand or not?

 

Well now I don't see a problem. You just said you don't care if she has sex with someone else. So whats the problem?

 

 

I might not like it but I would let her do what she wants provided she shows respect for me first.

 

This is a joke right? respect for you? You think she is showing respect for you by telling you before she spreads her legs for another guy?

 

 

The thing is though, I really am throwing away a relationship with fantastic potential.

 

She is a cheater. there is no potential here. But if you truly do not care if she bones other guys as long as she tells you first, then maybe there is potential....for her. She can keep you on a string and continue to do other guys.

 

 

I’m so lost! How does someone like me, who holds people to a really high standard to personal responsibility, move past things like this? Why do I vilify her and not consistently see the whole picture and how I played into it? How do I deal with the pain and move past it? Or am I just completely fahked?

 

As long as you have the attitude that you are willing to put up with her cheating, then yes, you are fahked.

 

But you don't have to take it. But something tells me you will justify it in your own mind and put up with her cheating thinking you are losing a great girl. Sorry, nothing great about her. I'd let her be someone elses problem, but you gotta make your own mistakes.

 

 

We’re planning on talking to a counselor soon, but I would really appreciate any input here. If you actually read all of this, you’re totally awesome in my book, and I really appreciate it.

 

Well you probably won't think so after what I said, but that is how I feel about your situation.

 

Mind you, I am not bashing, you, but rather I would hope you get your head out of the fog and realize she isn't worth 2 squirts of p!ss.

[elij]

Twice Shy is one of the Anti-Cheating Brigade on this forum. He is gonna tell you, no matter what you write here, that your girlfriend is a no-good whore who should be taken to the curb with yesterday's garbage.

 

I do understand that kind of rage against cheaters. Then again, I also think we are all human, and therefore imperfect, but also capable of forgiveness and learning from mistakes.

 

I'm in a similar situation to yours, perhaps even more grave than yours. In my case my girlfriend broke up with me to, in part, be with the other guy. The memory of all that went down still makes me sick to my stomach and brings sadness. That said, my girlfriend and I got back together some 5 months ago, and most especially in recent weeks our relationship may be at its all-time best. On the surface, at least. She has changed, for sure. She is more committed, more loving....Still, like you, I can't help but think now about what she did from time to time. And it tears me up inside.

 

There is no easy way forward if you choose to stay with your girlfriend. Even if your girl turns over a new leaf, as I believe is happening now in my case, you will still be tortured by the memory on occasion. What to do? First, you need to want to not think about it anymore. Change the channel whenever it flashes through your brain. Second, you need to genuninely develop a real forgiveness for your girl so that you can both move forward. And third, if you do the first two things, I think it will help your relation if you stop talking about the issue with her from there on out -- no more noise about it, drop the subject and instead do the best to have a good relation again.

 

This all assumes she is worth forgiving and is not continuing down the cheating path. This assumes she seems to have genuinely learned from what happened and will not do it again.

 

Again, though, even if you do all of that it will still crop up in your mind now again. You need to be willing to accept it, and move on. The past is done.

 

Now, I'm also learning as I go along in all this. Its not easy --- sometimes I wonder whether its all worth it, sometimes I feel a lot of pain, and I still am afraid to trust my girl at times -- but I nevertheless have chosen to forgive and so far my girl is responding to that. The painful moments are now being loudly buried by the happier present. I'd guess the pain will be there for a long time, but it does not mean you're a "cuckold" if you give your girl another chance.

[twice_shy]

Twice Shy is one of the Anti-Cheating Brigade on this forum. He is gonna tell you, no matter what you write here, that your girlfriend is a no-good whore who should be taken to the curb with yesterday's garbage.

 

Well she not only cheated once, but twice. So yes, of course I'm gonna say that.

 

 

I do understand that kind of rage against cheaters. Then again, I also think we are all human, and therefore imperfect, but also capable of forgiveness and learning from mistakes.

 

Nobody is perfect. I'm not by any means.

 

But one thing I won't EVER do is cheat. And cheating is NOT a mistake. It is a conscious decision to gratify oneself when committed to someone else.

 

No mistake about it. Call it poor morals, lack of control, but it is not a mistake.

 

 

I'm in a similar situation to yours, perhaps even more grave than yours. In my case my girlfriend broke up with me to, in part, be with the other guy.

 

She did you a favor. But somehow, as I read on, you aren't going to think so.

 

 

The memory of all that went down still makes me sick to my stomach and brings sadness. That said, my girlfriend and I got back together some 5 months ago, and most especially in recent weeks our relationship may be at its all-time best. On the surface, at least. She has changed, for sure.

 

Uh huh. Your relationship with her is all new again. Wait til the honeymoon is over.

 

 

She is more committed, more loving....Still, like you, I can't help but think now about what she did from time to time. And it tears me up inside.

 

And I have said that many times on here. Why would you settle for being with someone that scarred you so bad and has exiled you to a life of reliving what she did to you from time to time? What kind of life is that?

 

But its your decision man, and I wish you well.

 

 

There is no easy way forward if you choose to stay with your girlfriend. Even if your girl turns over a new leaf, as I believe is happening now in my case, you will still be tortured by the memory on occasion.

 

Once again, I agree, and you agree with me on that point it seems. So I don't understand your poo pooing of what I said in my reply to him.

 

 

This all assumes she is worth forgiving and is not continuing down the cheating path. This assumes she seems to have genuinely learned from what happened and will not do it again.

 

Oh even if they never actually, physicaly cheat again, deep down, they'd still really like to. they cheated because it was exciting. You don't think a cheater is going to want that excitement again at some point after the duldrums of a R set in again?

 

 

Again, though, even if you do all of that it will still crop up in your mind now again. You need to be willing to accept it, and move on. The past is done.

 

Why not move on with someone that hasn't betrayed you so you aren't haunted by the past? Why give a 2nd chance to someone that doesn't deserve it?

 

 

Now, I'm also learning as I go along in all this. Its not easy --- sometimes I wonder whether its all worth it, sometimes I feel a lot of pain,

 

You know you don't have to feel that pain, but you are putting yourself in the position of a masochist. Only way to truly get rid of that pain is to get rid of the source of that pain.

 

 

and I still am afraid to trust my girl at times

 

Then she shouldn't be your girl. If you don't trust her, then you never really forgave her and shouldn't be with her.

 

 

-- but I nevertheless have chosen to forgive

 

If you don't trust her, then no, you didn't.

 

 

and so far my girl is responding to that. The painful moments are now being loudly buried by the happier present. I'd guess the pain will be there for a long time, but it does not mean you're a "cuckold" if you give your girl another chance.

 

A cuckold is man that is with a woman that cheats and he puts up with it.

 

So while neither of you are cuckolded, there is a fine line.

 

I wish you both the best, especially knowing that your decisions are bringing you pain.

 

Some people have to make their own mistakes.

[twice_shy]

but it does not mean you're a "cuckold" if you give your girl another chance.

 

Wait, you are wrong. He is absolutely a cuckold. I forgot that he said this:

 

"If my g/f wanted to have sex with someone else, it would be fine as long as she told me before hand. I might not like it but I would let her do what she wants provided she shows respect for me first."

 

So if he is willing to be a CH, then all he has to do is tell her, "hey, if you want to spread 'em for other guys, its ok, just tell me ahead of time".

 

PROBLEM SOLVED!!

[Spectre]

Those psychedelics must of messed up your mind bro. This chick cheats on you twice, and here you are talking about how the relationship has fantastic potential.

 

Girl is a ho, she cheated on you twice. Leave her, if you don't then I have to assume you're on a lot more than psychedelics.