WTF? He's not that into me?

[kendallawaits]

I just can't figure out guys, AT ALL. For the last month a male coworker of mine, has been throwing out very obvious hints that he liked me. I just happened to like him too. I have about 4 years on him in age, I'm 28, he is 24. I'm an outgoing kind of person, where he is the total opposite, very quiet, shy, kinda of awkward. Anyway I went and asked him out (I know, don't ask out guys, blah blah) I read "He's just not that into you" I know the deal. But I did anyway. I asked him out on Thursday to go to a movie this weekend. He accepted, without delay and we decided to go to a movie on Friday night (last night). So yesterday I spent most of the day feeling nervous and excited. We had already decided on a movie time (9pm) but I than noticed yesterday that we looked at the wrong time. The actual showings were 8:15 and 10:30. I work 10-7 (so does he) I didn't want to bring it up in front of my other coworkers, I wanted to keep it on the downlow that we were going out. So I assumed that

we would probably just go to the 10:30 showing. 8:15 was just too early and I had some things to take care of before. So I waited until later in the day (about 6) when the office had cleared out, to approach him about the time mixup. So when I did, he said he couldn't go to the 10:30 show because he was the designated driver for his friends. So he was pretty much planning on seeing the movie with me and thats all. I don't know if that was the truth or not. But than he said "what about the 8:25 movie" and I told him I couldn't go to the earlier one. So I just let him off the hook and he said "well I do want to see the movie still, so we can go another night". He didn't ask to set something else up though. I just said ok sounds good and went back to my desk. He tryed to make small talk with me before I left but I just gave him a 2 word answer.

 

I than made a phone call to my friend and told her I now had a free evening and made plans to go out with her. Our desks are right by each other so I'm pretty sure he heard this. I felt pretty rejected and disappointed. I usually say bye to him before I leave, but I didn't say a word, I just left.

Do you think he was looking for an "out"? I just assumed he wouldn't make double plans on our night out. Should I forget about him?

[Gawdess]

Now you know why the book He's Just Not That Into You states women shouldn't ask men out. No, he's just not that into you, sorry. He definitely wouldn't have made plans to go out with friends after the movie if he was into you.

[Carmen87]

I don't think you handled the situation very well. You are going to turn him off from you completely by snubbing him simply because he could not make the movie time you wanted.

[Trialbyfire]

Should I forget about him?

Yes, I would forget about him unless he gets up the balls to ask you out. He's only one small fish in an ocean of catches.

[Suiyobi]

...

 

I think it depends on how much interest you have in the guy. If you really like him, then ignore the fiasco that happened the other night, forgive the guy, and try to get with him again another time. Otherwise, move on; I'm sure there's someone else out there for you.

[spookie]

You are being snotty and unreasonable - You have no justification for feeling the way you feel. Just because he did not fall into doing things just to your liking, does not give you reason to feel rejected - you are making this all about YOU . It was all about bad luck and circumstances. This guy is SHY - you said so. Therefor his social skills will be underdeveloped.

He will need a little time to figure out what he wants to do next.

Now you know how all MEN feel most of the time when they initiate dates and the girls cant make it. Do you think that they get all hissy?

Get over it girl - he did nothing wrong .You did it all right until you started pulling that stunt calling you G/f so that he could hear you.

 

And stop reading crap advice books for stupid women.

 

I don't know, I'd have been pretty wtf if I realized he had other plans right after our movie date.

 

I have no idea if he's not that into you, or how into you he should be. I think the ball's in his court, though.

[sid3]

I'm thinking you just created alot of uneccesary drama. How do you know this guy didn't make plans to be the designated driver quite some time ago, maybe it's a speacil occasion and he couldn't cancel. Purely speculation, but perhaps he was really excited to take you up on your invite he decided to make the effort to see you the same night, even it had been only for the first half of the night. You chose to take it as rejection, when it didn't have to be. Maybe you had too much advice book chatter going on in your head instead of thinking ok, how would a mature woman handle this. He wanted to spend time with you, an unfortunate circumstance changed that, so the movie couldn't be seen because of a time conflict, you could have suggested coffee before he had to go and be the designated driver. As you have said he is shy. Although who knows, the shy thing could be an act, he may have been going out with the guys to party, or maybe he's just not that into you. Regardless, it doesn't sound like he deserved the biotch treatment.

[Cherry Blossom 35]

I would also have been a little surprised to see he had plans after the movie.

 

I don't think you are being "snotty and unreasonable". I think you are feeling sensitive because you like this guy and you are not sure if he likes you back. You offered another night and he did not respond. Maybe talking to your friend and making plans outloud was a little much, but I don't see how that is being "snotty and unreasonable".

 

The next time you see him, be friendly and ask him how his weekend was, but go no further than that. If he is interested he will try and reschedule the date.

 

Good luck!

[OpenBook]

I think it's just kind of weird how it all went down... but it's not that big a deal. I don't blame you for being a little short with him afterwards, making other plans, and then leaving work without your normal goodbye to him. It was a perfectly normal reaction. I would have done the same thing.

 

But don't blow it up into something big!! Just go into work next week "back to normal," like it never even happened. (I have an image in my mind of Lois Lane and how she treated Clark Kent... busy busy busy, acknowledging him but pursuing her own ambitions.)

 

And I would DEFINITELY wait for him to make the next move!! But don't sit around expecting him to. In fact, don't expect anything from him at all. Expectations are dangerous... they can generate false assumptions about the other person and you can really trip yourself up over them. (Can you tell I've done this myself??)

[zicke]

Wow Kendella, passive aggressive much? Seriously, you made a mountain out of a molehill. Ignoring him? Are you 12? Cos your behavior is a huge red flag.

[refurb]

This is exactly why I will never approach another woman at work again.

 

The situation was kinda reversed in my case. I asked a co-worker out to lunch, she agreed, then started acting weird, then canceled the lunch with, what seemed at the time, a pretty lame excuse.

 

I took it as a lack of interest and moved on. No big deal.

 

Apparently for her, it was and things are still weird between us.

 

My point is, you barely know each other. Why get so worked up? You asked, he didn't respond in the way you wanted, so you take it out on him?

 

The smarter move would have been to say, "OK, it doesn't look like he's into me, so I'll just drop it."

 

RF

[norajane]

I doubt he's ever going to ask you out. You were pretty rude to him.

 

You made a date for 9:00 movie. Then you found out the movie started either at 8:15 or 10:30. He couldn't do 10:30 because he had plans later that night to be the designated driver for his friends, BUT he offered to go to the 8:15 movie.

 

8:15 is ONLY 45 minutes earlier than what you had planned!

 

But no, you had to LIE to him, and tell him you couldn't make it for 8:15, even though you had no other plans. Then he overheard you make other plans with other people - so now he KNOWS you LIED to him about not being able to make the 8:15 movie. Then you were rude when he tried to talk to you, and blew him off as you left work.

 

Why would he ever ask you out? I feel bad for him if he really did like you.

 

As for you getting pissed at him for having plans to be designated driver after your movie date was over, so what? It's a first date, and maybe he didn't even know it was a date, but a friendly co-worker offer to see a movie. In any case, the only plans you made with him was for a movie, not for anything after. Your expectations were unfounded that he would spend all night long with you.

[SpikeyChick]

Wow Kendella, passive aggressive much? Seriously, you made a mountain out of a molehill. Ignoring him? Are you 12? Cos your behavior is a huge red flag.

 

Exactly ! If I were a guy in his position I would NOT ask you out again after you pouted and acted like your were ENTITLEd to have him fulfil ytour wishes.

Grow up. Fast !

[Cherry Blossom 35]

Wow, there sure seems to be a lot of anger towards the OP. I think maybe she could have handled things a little differently, but really, why do so many feel the need to be condescending?

[kendallawaits]

Looking back I don't think I was all THAT snotty to him. I was a little SHORT, but not snotty. He didn't offer to set up a specific day. He said "we can see it another time", THAT is NOT the same. And I did have things to take care of, after work. I could not make it to the 8 movie. I had to go home, take care of my dog, get gas, change, among other things. The plans I made with my friend, after all this went down were for LATER on Friday evening, AFTER 10. So I did not lie to him, at all. I really couldn't go to the earlier movie. Just like he couldn't go to the later one. I don't know how truthful his excuse was for not being able to go, but that doesn't matter now. I wasn't mean to him, I was short. I didn't act psycho and storm out of the building, I just left quieter than normal. I don't think there is anything wrong with me being disappointed. I have never set up different plans with different sets of people in ONE night. I have been asked out by other guys and they have never done that to me before either. What he SHOULD have done was tell me Friday didn't work for him when I first asked him out. What he did (if it was the truth) was make poor judgement. That is my opinion. I don't think I'm a princess, I just think it was a shady move. I won't be rude or unprofessional to him, he is still my coworker. I still like him,I just lost some respect for him. I spend 40 hours a week with him and we had a good work friendship thing going on, that seemed to blossom into something more. I think he thought of it as more than a "coworker outing".

 

Where things stand now...I don't know. I appreciate the advice, even though it isn't what I expected.

[Trialbyfire]

Just back off kendall and act like business as usual. If he wants to connect, he will, now that he knows you're interested. Beyond that, keep dating.

[Jilly Bean]

Kendall, I'm curious - did you really have something to do right after work that was that pressing that you couldn't adjust your plans to make the date? Couldn't you have done the dog walking, gas and a quick change in an hour?

 

I just think maybe he would view you as being inflexible. I GET this. I totally hate when plans change last minute, as I often have already planned other things around it. I used to behave like you, and just go off in a huff. Now I realize cutting off my nose to spite my face didn't get me anywhere...

 

Also keep in mind - he is 24. Most guys seem to be pretty in the moment at that age, and not necessarily so focused on proper dating etiquette.

 

I think you've actually been REALLY spared. It's never a good idea to poo where you eat, particularly when your desks are so close together.

[kendallawaits]

I know it isn't a good idea to date a coworker. But I liked him so much I was willing to take the chance. And it wasn't possible for me to go to the earlier movie. My drive home is 20 minutes. I never would have been able to make the earlier movie. I wasn't inflexible, AT ALL. If possible I would have LOVED to go to the earlier movie.

[Star Gazer]

I doubt he's ever going to ask you out. You were pretty rude to him.

 

You made a date for 9:00 movie. Then you found out the movie started either at 8:15 or 10:30. He couldn't do 10:30 because he had plans later that night to be the designated driver for his friends, BUT he offered to go to the 8:15 movie.

 

8:15 is ONLY 45 minutes earlier than what you had planned!

 

But no, you had to LIE to him, and tell him you couldn't make it for 8:15, even though you had no other plans. Then he overheard you make other plans with other people - so now he KNOWS you LIED to him about not being able to make the 8:15 movie. Then you were rude when he tried to talk to you, and blew him off as you left work.

 

Why would he ever ask you out? I feel bad for him if he really did like you.

 

As for you getting pissed at him for having plans to be designated driver after your movie date was over, so what? It's a first date, and maybe he didn't even know it was a date, but a friendly co-worker offer to see a movie. In any case, the only plans you made with him was for a movie, not for anything after. Your expectations were unfounded that he would spend all night long with you.

 

I totally agree with every single word, NJ.

[kendallawaits]

My feelings have not changed about it being disrespectful to make plans with his friends later in the evening.

[Star Gazer]

I think NoraJane and stargazer need to read my earlier response

 

My feelings have not changed about it being disrespectful to make plans with his friends later in the evening.

 

Huh? Why do we need to re-read your earlier response? I still agree completely with NJ. Nothing you've said since your first post changes that.

 

Looking back I don't think I was all THAT snotty to him. I was a little SHORT, but not snotty. He didn't offer to set up a specific day. He said "we can see it another time", THAT is NOT the same.

 

No offense, but that made me laugh. In one breath you say you're not snotty, and then you sound like you are. It's as though you're stomping your feet while screaming, "I am not a brat! I am not a brat!!"

 

I have never set up different plans with different sets of people in ONE night. I have been asked out by other guys and they have never done that to me before either. What he SHOULD have done was tell me Friday didn't work for him when I first asked him out. What he did (if it was the truth) was make poor judgement. That is my opinion. I don't think I'm a princess, I just think it was a shady move.

 

There's nothing "shady" about what he did. You can have dinner with girlfriends and then meet up with a cute guy for drinks, or have dinner with a guy and then meet up with your girlfriends for drinks, or many other permutations of social activity. It happens all the time. You're suggesting that he should have earmarked the ENTIRE night for you, simply because he made plans with you ONLY to see a movie (as opposed to a movie and drinks, or something like that). Ostensibly you're only his co-worker in his eyes, and just had plans to see a mutually interesting movie. You're not sure it was a "date" for crying out loud.

 

Where things stand now...I don't know. I appreciate the advice, even though it isn't what I expected.

 

You expected us to agree with you, right? Well...we didn't. Sorry.

[kendallawaits]

He sure wasn't acting like I was "only a coworker". No I don't expect you to agree with me. I posted because I wanted an outsiders view. I just feel very differently and wanted to respond.

[SpikeyChick]

I doubt he's ever going to ask you out. You were pretty rude to him.

 

You made a date for 9:00 movie. Then you found out the movie started either at 8:15 or 10:30. He couldn't do 10:30 because he had plans later that night to be the designated driver for his friends, BUT he offered to go to the 8:15 movie.

 

8:15 is ONLY 45 minutes earlier than what you had planned!

 

But no, you had to LIE to him, and tell him you couldn't make it for 8:15, even though you had no other plans. Then he overheard you make other plans with other people - so now he KNOWS you LIED to him about not being able to make the 8:15 movie. Then you were rude when he tried to talk to you, and blew him off as you left work.

 

Why would he ever ask you out? I feel bad for him if he really did like you.

 

As for you getting pissed at him for having plans to be designated driver after your movie date was over, so what? It's a first date, and maybe he didn't even know it was a date, but a friendly co-worker offer to see a movie. In any case, the only plans you made with him was for a movie, not for anything after. Your expectations were unfounded that he would spend all night long with you.

 

This post is GOLD - it should be compulsory reading for the "princesses" on this forum who believe that they are entitled to have men jump thru hoops just to go out with them.

The OP is way out of line in her reaction to not getting "her own way" - I cannot see how the "shy guy" did anything wrong BUT still he is getting static from some of you.

Perhaps you all need to examine why you have a compulsive need to always find fault, pick, criticise and "blame the guy" when a woman has a personal drama with a man. .

 

Secondly, SHe asked him out -that puts the onus on her to set up the "date" and makes her responsible for organising and being aware of the fine details - like movie screening times.

[J2FT1]

You are being snotty and unreasonable - You have no justification for feeling the way you feel. Just because he did not fall into doing things just to your liking, does not give you reason to feel rejected - you are making this all about YOU . It was all about bad luck and circumstances. This guy is SHY - you said so. Therefor his social skills will be underdeveloped.

He will need a little time to figure out what he wants to do next.

Now you know how all MEN feel most of the time when they initiate dates and the girls cant make it. Do you think that they get all hissy?

Get over it girl - he did nothing wrong .You did it all right until you started pulling that stunt calling you G/f so that he could hear you.

 

And stop reading crap advice books for stupid women.

 

A truly divine answer. Where did you pick up all this knowledge? And do not say "expierience" because it's like you were a man in your past life, and still remember everthing in this lifetime. No other female that I've met seriously understand men the way you do.

[kendallawaits]

But no, you had to LIE to him, and tell him you couldn't make it for 8:15, even though you had no other plans. Then he overheard you make other plans with other people - so now he KNOWS you LIED to him about not being able to make the 8:15 movie. Then you were rude when he tried to talk to you, and blew him off as you left work

 

 

I never lied to him. As I said my plans I made were for after 10pm. And I don't think I'm a "princess", you have no clue about all the other crap I have taken from men. I'm this way because of the way men have treated me. Perhaps my expectations are a little higher than yours but that in no way makes me a bad person. I agreed that I could have been a little more graceful about it. You don't know anymore than I do if his whole excuse was even truthful.