WTF? He's not that into me?

[J2FT1]

Really? I would love to take a more proactive approach with dating but the current wisdom seems to be that men will lose attraction towards a woman who goes after them like this.

 

I believe the modern man would love it if she puts in 50 percent of the effort in the relationship. Since women these days have basically the same rights as men, they should put up the same effort. Not saying they didn't in the past, because they had no oppertunity.

[J2FT1]

That was the first time I have ever asked a guy out. I just thought because of his demeanor, he would never ask me out. He kept making comments like " I want to see that movie, but all my friends have already seen it" saying he had no one else to see it with. Than earlier in the week he goes "I don't have too much going on, during the weekends. My weekends are pretty boring." Like I said there is also an age difference of 4 years. Another day he asked me if I was into younger guys. Among other comments here and there.

 

I really felt that he wanted me to know he was interested but he was too scared to make a move. Thats the only reason I pursued him.

 

It really seemed to me those were hints. Maybe I was wrong about that too..

 

It seems like he asked you more things than a real "shy" guy would. I'm pretty sure the schedules just conflicted. He didn't want to turn you down and he HAD to drive his drunk friends home. Also, if he was shy, did you expect him to do something bold after the movie? He would just probably say "that was a good movie, I had a good time. See you at work."

[kendallawaits]

I didn't expect him to make a move on me or anything. I wasn't even 100% sure he was thinking it was a date. Believe me, he is shy. He doesn't talk to anyone else at work. I think he just got comfortable with me. The first month I was there, all I got was yes or no answers to everything. Than I started joking with him, here and there, and he started opening up a little more. It took 2 months, but it happened. From my knowledge, he has only been in one relationship that lasted 4 years.

[Cherry Blossom 35]

Just be your normal self when you go back to work. Be positive, smile, say hi, how was your weekend, great! Then go about your business. Act like it's not big deal and it won't be.

 

He knows you're interested now. He can make an effort to see you if he wants to.

[kendallawaits]

OK.

I wanted to say I appreciate the advice and I'm back at work. I feel bad for acting like a bitch. I shouldn't have let it show that I was bothered by the whole thing. I think he did notice and now things feel tense. He hasn't really said too much to me today. I have tried to act normal. I greeted him good morning, and attempted to make some small talk but it kinda feels like I'm pulling teeth. I don't know what is going on in his head. I would love to find out. I don't know if he noticed my cold behavior last Friday and that is why he is quiet. I don't even know if he likes me in "that way". Maybe the fact that I got upset tells him that I like him and that made him uncomfortable. I think it was nice that he offered to go to see the earlier movie but I don't know what his intentions are/were, friends or more.

I would like to try again, but he would have to make a move. I was hoping by me acting normally and not making an issue about it that he would realize I'm not upset. I don't want him to think I was rejecting him at all. But there are just to many assumptions and not enough facts.

[Trialbyfire]

kendall, you're putting too much emphasis on what this guy is thinking or wanting to do. Back off, find someone else to date and if something happens that this guy gets enough balls to ask you out, great! If not, shrug your shoulders. Not a biggie.

[SpikeyChick]

Really? I would love to take a more proactive approach with dating but the current wisdom seems to be that men will lose attraction towards a woman who goes after them like this.

 

THat is not"wisdom" at all.,current or otherwise...Where did you get this stuff from . Cosmo ?.

 

Truths-

Women like men who show interest in them.

Men like women who show interest in them.

 

Just human nature..

[SpikeyChick]

He is a SHY guy by nature, and your first post says that it took two months to get him past some 'one word ' answers. THis is a man who lives in his own internal world behind an invisible shield. That is HIS personality.

 

So, to your credit, you warm him up by persisting, and eventually he opens up a little and converses with you in a more flowing manner. Then you ask him out to a movie without nailing down the times . Confusion breaks out, and he has made prior arrangements to drive his friends home later and your 'date' plans all goes to shyte. You get hissy without a legit reason and now the inevitable has happened. HE has retreated behind his shield again.

 

THis guy will NOT ask you out EVER under the currebt circunstances because he does not see you as stable. Your actions said so. If you want this guy to step forward you need to start over and rebiuld your cred by acting a lot more maturely. No hissy moments ,, Shy guys NEVER fall for flighty emotional woman - they too risky . Shy men (and woman ) like stability and predictablity. They are not risk-takers and right now you look like too much of a risk because of the way that you REACTED .

 

Some of the advice you have received here is juvenile. Do not play 'hard to get' or play" Miss Too Cool ". you need to be "Ms Calm and Efficient". To him you are currently a suspect, not a prospect.

 

However, on a positive note , shy people still do have an underlying need for excitement, but they want it without RISK. Right now you are RISKY because you reacted to the events of that night like a brat when things did not turn out to your liking.

So show him your fun and playful side OCCASIONALLY but without any dramatics or girly threatrics..

[Trialbyfire]

I dunno. Why bother with a shy guy like this? He doesn't seem worthwhile to me.

[norajane]

I dunno. Why bother with a shy guy like this? He doesn't seem worthwhile to me.

 

Because he's not a dirtbag player, but a nice guy who just has a little trouble opening up?

[Trialbyfire]

Because he's not a dirtbag player, but a nice guy who just has a little trouble opening up?

Loads of drama attached to someone like this who can't be open with you. Personal preference I guess. Seems like a whole lotta' work when there's more than enough men around who will pursue, who aren't dirtbags.

[kendallawaits]

He is a SHY guy by nature, and your first post says that it took two months to get him past some 'one word ' answers. THis is a man who lives in his own internal world behind an invisible shield. That is HIS personality.

 

So, to your credit, you warm him up by persisting, and eventually he opens up a little and converses with you in a more flowing manner. Then you ask him out to a movie without nailing down the times . Confusion breaks out, and he has made prior arrangements to drive his friends home later and your 'date' plans all goes to shyte. You get hissy without a legit reason and now the inevitable has happened. HE has retreated behind his shield again.

 

THis guy will NOT ask you out EVER under the currebt circunstances because he does not see you as stable. Your actions said so. If you want this guy to step forward you need to start over and rebiuld your cred by acting a lot more maturely. No hissy moments ,, Shy guys NEVER fall for flighty emotional woman - they too risky . Shy men (and woman ) like stability and predictablity. They are not risk-takers and right now you look like too much of a risk because of the way that you REACTED .

 

Some of the advice you have received here is juvenile. Do not play 'hard to get' or play" Miss Too Cool ". you need to be "Ms Calm and Efficient". To him you are currently a suspect, not a prospect.

 

However, on a positive note , shy people still do have an underlying need for excitement, but they want it without RISK. Right now you are RISKY because you reacted to the events of that night like a brat when things did not turn out to your liking.

So show him your fun and playful side OCCASIONALLY but without any dramatics or girly threatrics..

 

 

I'm a very stable person. I don't think 1 hour of me being distant equals me being unstable. I think that is overboard. Some of the advice suggests I made myself look like a psychopath. All I did was "clam up". I didn't kill anyone! My goodness. I have been his friend for 2 months now, 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. So I find it hard to believe that 1 hour of questionable behavior, would out do that.

[kendallawaits]

Loads of drama attached to someone like this who can't be open with you. Personal preference I guess. Seems like a whole lotta' work when there's more than enough men around who will pursue, who aren't dirtbags.

 

 

 

I'm not going to be making attempts to go out with him unless he says something to me about it. I'm disappointed but not heartbroken. Why was I interested? He was different from the guys that I usually go out with.

[Trialbyfire]

I'm not going to be making attempts to go out with him unless he says something to me about it. I'm disappointed but not heartbroken. Why was I interested? He was different from the guys that I usually go out with.

Good. Play it cool.

 

As for a different type of guy being interesting, I can understand that to an extent. Keep in mind that with someone shy like this, you will probably need to be hyper-aware of not hurting his feelings on an ongoing basis. If this isn't you and you prefer to be direct with men you're dating...run away!

[kendallawaits]

Good. Play it cool.

 

As for a different type of guy being interesting, I can understand that to an extent. Keep in mind that with someone shy like this, you will probably need to be hyper-aware of not hurting his feelings on an ongoing basis. If this isn't you and you prefer to be direct with men you're dating...run away!

 

 

You know, I'm not usually direct. I have never asked out a guy before. It figures the one time I did. It seems like a no win situation.

[Trialbyfire]

You know, I'm not usually direct. I have never asked out a guy before. It figures the one time I did. It seems like a no win situation.

I'm not talking about asking a guy out when I say direct.

 

Let's say you're already dating a guy or in a relationship. Do you pussy-foot around and walk on egg shells, if something is bothering you or do you come right out and say it? I don't mean rudely.

[kendallawaits]

I'm not talking about asking a guy out when I say direct.

 

Let's say you're already dating a guy or in a relationship. Do you pussy-foot around and walk on egg shells, if something is bothering you or do you come right out and say it? I don't mean rudely.

 

 

No I'm usually pretty submissive when it comes to that kind of stuff. I usually wait for the guy to say something.

[Trialbyfire]

No I'm usually pretty submissive when it comes to that kind of stuff. I usually wait for the guy to say something.

If you're pretty submissive and this guy is pretty shy and restrained, who will lead?

[D-Lish]

I think you just read things wrong.

 

He did make an effort to keep the date intact and even asked to reschedule ( a positive sign). Maybe he is just as confused about whether it is just a date or a friendly outing. Men have doubts too! I think we all tend to overthink things, don't disregard that he may be overthinking what the date means too!

 

Until someone comes out and says "hey- I think you're hot and I really like you".... things aren't written in stone.

 

I would handle things by just acting like nothing happened and remaining friendly and open... then you keep the lines of communication open to ask him about rescheduling. Don't beat yourself up over this- I think it's just a misunderstanding that is pretty common in the initial stages of getting to know someone.

 

If he is "shy"... he might just be a bit insecure- because hey- we all are!

It is precisely because of that, that you should just keep being yourself and showing him interest.

 

If he wasn't interested- he wouldn't have tried to arrange for the 8:25 show- right? He would have taken the time change as a way out completely! But he didn't! Take that as a good sign that you shouldn't give up.

[kendallawaits]

I think you just read things wrong.

 

He did make an effort to keep the date intact and even asked to reschedule ( a positive sign). Maybe he is just as confused about whether it is just a date or a friendly outing. Men have doubts too! I think we all tend to overthink things, don't disregard that he may be overthinking what the date means too!

 

Until someone comes out and says "hey- I think you're hot and I really like you".... things aren't written in stone.

 

I would handle things by just acting like nothing happened and remaining friendly and open... then you keep the lines of communication open to ask him about rescheduling. Don't beat yourself up over this- I think it's just a misunderstanding that is pretty common in the initial stages of getting to know someone.

 

If he is "shy"... he might just be a bit insecure- because hey- we all are!

It is precisely because of that, that you should just keep being yourself and showing him interest.

 

If he wasn't interested- he wouldn't have tried to arrange for the 8:25 show- right? He would have taken the time change as a way out completely! But he didn't! Take that as a good sign that you shouldn't give up.

 

 

You sure put a different spin on it!

[Cherry Blossom 35]

You sure put a different spin on it!

 

That's what is great about a site like this....differrent perspectives.

[Gawdess]

Take that as a good sign that you shouldn't give up.

 

He needs to make the next move, though. Otherwise, the whole dating stage will be her being the man and pursuing. You have to know he's interested and shy or not, if he's interested, he'll ask you out.

[D-Lish]

Well, I hope it makes some sense- because I'll bet what I wrote is the case here...

 

Until a guy says to me- "hey- I am soooo into you...." I will have doubts... even if the actions say otherwise.

 

We're human- we're all insecure to some extent.

 

I am betting he just doesn't "know" what your intentions are... He might just think you are being friendly!

 

Put a sticky not on his computer.... "How does Thursday work for you?"

[kendallawaits]

Well, I hope it makes some sense- because I'll bet what I wrote is the case here...

 

Until a guy says to me- "hey- I am soooo into you...." I will have doubts... even if the actions say otherwise.

 

We're human- we're all insecure to some extent.

 

I am betting he just doesn't "know" what your intentions are... He might just think you are being friendly!

 

Put a sticky not on his computer.... "How does Thursday work for you?"

 

 

I would really need for him to make a move, as far as going out as friends or more. I'm thinking about apologizing in private sometime tomorrow, just for my own conscience.

[Gawdess]

I would really need for him to make a move, as far as going out as friends or more. I'm thinking about apologizing in private sometime tomorrow, just for my own conscience.

 

You have nothing to apologize about. All you did was make other plans when he basically bailed on you. (Yes, he bailed because he wanted to change the time after the fact). You just weren't too talkative afterward, big deal.

Don't be the doormat. That is what you would be doing if you apologized.