king_midas Posted June 7, 2008 Share Posted June 7, 2008 Here's my situation. I'm looking for advice or experiences of people who've been down this road. Sorry if it's a bit long... I'm in my mid 20's and I'm still a virgin. I'm tired of being one, and it's sort of an issue for me. I know it's stupid and silly, and the concept of virginity is messed up. But still, it's like a mental block. I think it saps my self-confidence. Anyone in my boat knows the shame... and besides all that it's a long overdue right of passage. I just want to feel more normal. I used to want to wait for a completely magical "right person" when I was younger. I don't care much at my age, but I'd rather not go to an escort or sleep with a complete random (both easy enough). Considering the awkwardness and embarrassment, it would mean something to me to have the first time be with someone I trust. I'm also just curious about women's bodies and sex in general, naturally. I've had a couple girlfriends, but they were very short-term and didn't go far beyond making out and feeling. Been years since, anyway. I've used it as an excuse, but busy school and high-stress job kept me away from women. SO, coming to the point! I have a female friend I get along with very well. I have (had) a crush on her... She knows, and we've talked about it a few times. Dating's not going to happen which I can accept. We get along well enough for a relationship to work on some level... But she has "baggage" and issues, and with dating she is "emotionally unavailable". But not with me, since we've been friends. We get along very well, talk often, and do love each other some way. I can be honest with myself and say our needs and wants right now don't quite match up. I also don't want to be **** buddies with her, and nor vice-versa. We both agree it would ruin us, and I don't want just her body. I like being friends with her. She doesn't want to be in a serious relationship herself, she doesn't want a "strings-attached " sexual/romantic relationship at all. She's had a few serious and intense LTR already in her young life (she's 20), and I think she's done with them for a while. There's lots of backstory, but I don't need to explain it all. NOW, it came up recently, and she's offered to sleep with me ONCE, if I really need/want it. Just so I'm not a virgin anymore. At first she was hesitant and a bit cynical/sarcastic, though she did offer it and I didn't ask. She wasn't gung-ho at first, and I have reservations myself, and we are risking damaging perhaps killing our friendship. But last we spoke about it, she said we should just do it! She said she wants to help me. Certainly it would change? (But how?) I mean, I realize I would be "using" her for one thing purely for my own (hopefully beneficial) change, and we wouldn't be doing it simply because we liked/loved each other and/or were horny (though those would be true). But this is my chance! (It's worth mentioning... several months ago, I was leaving for a longish trip. We hung out for our last time, and by the end of the night got hot and bothered. We really didn't mean for it to happen, but one thing led to another and it just kind of happened. No sex, but we got pretty frisky... We talked about it after, and agreed we weren't traumatized, it was fun but a bit out of place. Hmm.) So, I don't know... I'm conflicted. I think we could do this so it works OK. (I may cross post this on a couple boards.) Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 7, 2008 Share Posted June 7, 2008 I was a virgin until 35 and, if one of my female friends had floated a similar offer, I'd have floated her boat but good Seriously, if you're uninhibited when pleasuring yourself, do a little reading and talk to your friend, you can make it a great experience for you and her. It's really not that big of a deal. With someone you're in love with and she with you, it will be a big deal, but that's in the future. Link to post Share on other sites
J2FT1 Posted June 8, 2008 Share Posted June 8, 2008 I was a virgin until 35 and, if one of my female friends had floated a similar offer, I'd have floated her boat but good Seriously, if you're uninhibited when pleasuring yourself, do a little reading and talk to your friend, you can make it a great experience for you and her. It's really not that big of a deal. With someone you're in love with and she with you, it will be a big deal, but that's in the future. I would totally hit anything I can. It's just sex. For guys, it doesn't leave a mark. Dang carhill. 35? Frick, in this day and age, with TVs flashing ass and tits all day, a guy cannot go that long without getting some. Honestly. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 8, 2008 Share Posted June 8, 2008 No worries. I was weird. Still am I did design sex toys that would drive our Nemo here wild though Link to post Share on other sites
J2FT1 Posted June 8, 2008 Share Posted June 8, 2008 No worries. I was weird. Still am I did design sex toys that would drive our Nemo here wild though OWNAGE! So you are the reason that many married men aren't getting any. Link to post Share on other sites
Author king_midas Posted June 10, 2008 Author Share Posted June 10, 2008 but i'm a little worried it'll kill our friendship. is it worth it? Link to post Share on other sites
D-D Posted June 10, 2008 Share Posted June 10, 2008 I knew a friend who did this a few years ago. He never regretted it and was relieved to no longer be a virgin. Link to post Share on other sites
Green Posted June 11, 2008 Share Posted June 11, 2008 most guys dont have sex with some one they have completly fallen in love with in a complete safe environment. The fact that you would even think twice about having sex with this friend of yours explains exactly why you are still a virgin. Your going to be the same guy you are now after you have sex but maybe understanding that sex doesn't really change you will give you more confidence. You will most likely want sex alot more after having it. I would personaly say go for it, but don't let her get away with claiming its all a pitty fck. Theres a chance the idea of being with you is hot for her. Your real post should be about the fact that you havn't had much romantic experiences with a girl. I bet you havn't ever really had a gf. You have to risk losing a woman in order to get her. If you don't risk losing your friend by trying to be romantic with her you will never get her. I say have sex with her, and don't apologize or think that you owe her anything for this. I say get it all out of the way, if you've never had a bj get her to do that for you to so you can say you did it all. and make sure you get to touch her every where and she lets you look at everything. Yes if your attracted to her do it, and for god sakes try to be smooth about this she might actualy be into u Link to post Share on other sites
zachary85 Posted June 11, 2008 Share Posted June 11, 2008 OK well I'm 23 and still a virgin. If I were to receive such an offer I'd be very hesitant also. My main concern would be that if I did it once with her I'd want to keep doing it and if she's definitely not interested in a sustained relationship that way then I expect it would have to have a negative impact on your friendship. So as I said, I'd be hesitant but honestly couldn't answer a straight yes I'd do it or no I wouldn't. I certainly won't be losing my virginity to someone who doesn't respect me for it so I'm not too worried about being clueless for my first time. Link to post Share on other sites
JohnnyBlaze Posted June 11, 2008 Share Posted June 11, 2008 NOW, it came up recently, and she's offered to sleep with me ONCE, if I really need/want it. Just so I'm not a virgin anymore. ... I mean, I realize I would be "using" her for one thing purely for my own (hopefully beneficial) change Read the bold text. You're not using someone if they're the one making the offer. I'd say this is a huge opportunity; not just for the chance to have sex, but for the chance to have no-pressure sex with someone you're already comfortable being with. She sounds like she's not up for dating right now, so there's less stress about impressing her (although I'm sure it'd make things more enjoyable for her) which will make it 10x easier on you. Also, she be nice enough to treat it as a bit of a Sex Ed 101 lesson and give you some hints as to what women do and don't like. This could be a real bonus in the future; when you do find a girlfriend that you have sex with, you'll be able to wow her with all this knowledge (without having gained a rep as the guy who'll sleep with anyone). If nothing else, think of it as an educational outing. A rather fun education outing, mind you, but an educational outing nonetheless. Some people do have trouble separating sex and emotional attachment, but she seems pretty adamant on keeping the two mutually exclusive in this case. That's somewhat of a good thing; it's less likely that things will get weird afterward. If I were in your position, I'd take her up on the offer. Link to post Share on other sites
Author king_midas Posted June 11, 2008 Author Share Posted June 11, 2008 well thanks KMT, that's the kind of response i was looking for! pretty much spot on, though sorta tought to admit it. Thanks JohnnyBlaze. I mean it came up and we debated it as an idea in general, and after she said if I really need it she'd do it, but I need to think hard about it first because she's not sure how "we" would change. I have a lot of "book knowledge" when it comes to sex, just very little practical, lol. anyways, i'll bring it up next time we talk and see if the "offer" still stands... any opinions from women out there? Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted June 11, 2008 Share Posted June 11, 2008 I'm not 100% sure this would be NSA (no strings attached) sex....you seem to already have feelings for this woman. I dunno, man. I would be hesitant, if I were in your shoes, because I know that if I have feelings for someone and i have sex with them, it just makes those feelings intensify. It would make it that much more difficult for me to accept that there will never be anything beyond that one time thing.... But you know yourself better than I ever could, you know your limits, how you really feel about her, and whether you can amputate your emotional connection from this interaction. Link to post Share on other sites
shanny Posted June 11, 2008 Share Posted June 11, 2008 I would go for it. There is obviously attraction there because you have fooled around before so it's not like it would be totally forced. If this is going to give you the confidence that you need for future relationships I think it's a great opportunity. She will probably totally get off on being a "teacher". It's kinda hot now that I think about it. Link to post Share on other sites
PeopleLearner Posted June 16, 2008 Share Posted June 16, 2008 I'm not 100% sure this would be NSA (no strings attached) sex....you seem to already have feelings for this woman. That's what I see. What the OP needs to be careful about is that READING about keeping sex and emotional attachment separate (what JohnnyBlaze wrote) is EASIER than actually DOING IT. Secondly, be prepared for the eventuality that your friend could fall for you afterwards (a lot depends on her emotional state at that time), and your relationship would never be the same if you don't reciprocate her feelings. I would suggest you watch the movie "Boys and Girls" http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0204175/ Good Luck Link to post Share on other sites
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