Am I bpund for separation?

[detined]

My life started in Kansas City with my beloved wife as usual you could imagine. We had known each other for eight years and married for almost five years. She used to miss me a lot and hated when I travel for work. As our life progressed , we both have changed , ironically we switched our characteristics. Initially my wife felt I haven't been displaying passion in our life and she used to get upset a lot. As I got older into relationship, I realized what I was doing was not right and started showing more interest in her and her career. Her career took a U turn that nobody anticipated and she went in to a funk . She realized to get out , she needs time and space by herself , which makes sense. She started travelling a lot and there we started having problems, at this point in my life I was needing her more than before. Conflict and arguments started to arise and slowly that started degradation of our relationship.

 

 

Couple year she started spending time in Chicago with her relative , what started as time alone , space needed trip , turned into semi permanent home for her. The time we had together started becoming less and less as weeks moved on. Our quality of life together, love life took a big hit and she started feeling separated from me and withdrawn. During the same time I have built up dependency on her and starting missing her more.

 

 

She internally started feeling that since her career went south and she assumed herself that she got nothing to offer to me and started wheeling away from me. She felt I needed to have a better life with somebody which I totally disagreed with her. I always felt that you go through good and bad patches with your better half , not just good times. She kind a got into this cocoon and went further day by day , living away from me added fuel to fire. Meanwhile I got upset a lot and started loosing my patience , since I can't spend any time with her. Past two years she hasn't spend more than one week with me , I feel like she always wanted to get away, uh kind a strange , that's what I thought. This is where I become seriously concerned that our relationship might end, moreover I had struggles getting her back to Kansas City from Chicago. I always thought that she felt that like a big chore.

 

 

I still lover her lot and she indicates that she loves me also. I opened to her honestly and told my feelings that she not being around makes me upset and hurts me. Certain days she agrees with me and tells me that she will be back to Kansas City , but she changes her mind to stay in Chicago . I don't understand her mind , I asked her bluntly whether she needs a separation from me , but she is not 100% confident on that either. Meanwhile I am hurt everyday because I feel like she is ignoring me and my love. I am not sure what should I do , sometimes I feel its better for us to separate , but my heart feels otherwise. I am in this constant fight everyday .I feel if we divorce we would regret it.

 

 

 

Any help would be appreciated.

[Melovator]

Hate to ask the question but around these parts it does seem an obvious one: is there someone else?

 

You've spent one week together in two years??? That is not a marriage, its barely a relationship.

 

You write that you got more dependent on her... dependency is not attractive in a person and is not a way to live YOUR life. You have to start thinking about yourself and your needs, if your wife cannot meet those needs- and living in another city would kind of make that near to impossible- then you need to do it for yourself.

 

Why have you put up with this situation for so long? Surely YOU deserve better. Start thinking about things you've always wanted to do, the life you want to live, your relationship is only PART of your life, not the whole.

 

Quite frankly at this point your wife sounds like she has her own major self esteem issues to deal with, it may be time to leave her to deal with them, while you deal with yours, and MAYBE this might improve your relationship... but it could also lead to you seeing that its not going to work.

 

I suggest individual counselling, you cannot control your wife's actions, you cannot do anything that will MAKE her love you. What you can control though is how you react and feel about the situation. Take some control over YOUR life, its the only one you are responsible for and the only thing in your control.

 

I'd also suggest you search LS for the phrase 'manning up'... hopefully one of the blokes will come along to tell you all about it but in the meantime search and read.

[detined]

I am sorry for not being clear .When I meant one week in two years, its not literally one week in two years, its that she never stayed more than one week when she visits me every 3 or 4 weeks.

[Melovator]

That's not changing my opinion much... still don't see how you can have your relationship needs met under such circumstances. To use a bit of vulgarity its time to sh*t or get off the loo. This situation will go on as long as you let it go on. I'd strongly suggest a period of non-contact- no phone calls, no emails, no visits- nada, nothing, zilch. Relationships are addictive, our brains release lots of endorphins that keep us addicted and the constant yo-yo'ing of withdrawal (and it is a withdrawal) in your situation would not allow you to see things with any clarity. You're her love junkie and she's your dealer!

[Gunny376]

Get an attorney, have "tha' papers" drawn up and served!

 

No fore-warning, no nothing!

 

She'll do one of two things? She'll either sign them (in which case you will have the answer to your questions and the solution to your problems) or she'll get her @ss back to KC on the first thing smoking out Chi'Town!

 

And when you have them drawn up? She gets nothing. Not even petting rights /visitation to the family dog!

 

Sounds to me that she's suffering from an early MLC and depression and trying to find herself. I'd help her happy @ss out! Right out the front door! For good and permantely!